Page 16 of The Reality of Wanting Him (Love Without Labels #1)

BLAKE

Producer: So you’ve previously told producers that you identify as straight, what made you want to sign up for a show where you could end up dating men without knowing it?

Blake: I guess that I assumed I would know if I was talking to a man or a woman, but after actually being a part of this experience, it’s clear that my initial confidence might have been a little misplaced.

Things certainly aren’t as cut and dry as I had pictured.

But, to answer your question, I’ve struggled with finding my person.

After seeing the ad for the show’s sign ups, I really liked the idea of getting to know someone for who they are before physical appearances came into play.

I’d like to think looks aren’t important to me, but when you’re dating in the real world, it’s hard not to take appearance into consideration.

T he television in the date room suddenly lights up and Andy appears on the screen. “Congratulations to the happy couple! You’ve agreed to advance your relationship to the next step in our experiment—living together!” He’s jumping up and down and clapping like we’ve already won something .

Except, if I’m being honest, L agreeing to be exclusive and move in with me feels like the real prize, so I can’t blame him for being excited.

I might not be actually jumping, but the excitement is there.

Even though I went into the final round with two choices, I think a part of me has always known it would be LM.

As much as RR seemed like a good option on paper—obviously from money, living in the city, liking all the fashion trends that my mother is into—we just never clicked the way I did with LM.

Maybe if we’d met on an app before this show I would have wanted to date them, but now, after everything that I’ve experienced with LM as our connection has grown, I know RR and I would have ended up with yet another shallow relationship. We wouldn’t have been happy.

But LM? This feels like it could be the real deal. This is the most mature, yet also the most fun relationship I think I’ve ever been in. I can’t wait to meet them, and I can’t wait to see what they look like, even though at this point, I truly don’t care.

Andy continues talking. “It’s time to grab your packed bags and a producer will escort you to your new shared home!

Whoever gets there first, please wait to unpack until after you’ve met your partner in the main living space.

” His expression falls dramatically and he leans in to whisper to the camera.

“If, for whatever reason, you decide upon meeting that you no longer want to continue with the show, please be respectful and excuse yourself from the apartment. A producer will help you from there.”

Then he steps back and his whole face lights up again.

“I’m sure that won’t be the case for you, though!

This is Love Without Labels and you wanted to find someone who would love you despite those pesky first impressions.

And you have! I am so excited for you to continue on this journey!

Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… it’s time to go meet your partner!”

The screen goes black again, and I’m out of my seat, practically sprinting to grab my bags. They had us pack up this morning, knowing we’d either be moving in with our partner or heading home, and now it’s finally happening.

I’m about to meet L!

And I’m so fucking excited, I can barely think straight.

Remi is escorting me to L’s and my apartment, and they’re on the phone coordinating so we don’t get there at the same time.

It sounds like I’ll be getting there first. We take the elevator up a few floors and they open the door for me.

It’s a more traditionally styled apartment this time.

There are still rainbow touches, but the whole kitchen screams boring model showroom.

After living in the rainbow explosion that was my studio apartment for the last week, this is kind of a letdown.

Not important. Don’t give a shit about the apartment .

L is almost here! What the fuck should I do while I wait?

Should I be sitting? Standing so we can hug?

Will we kiss right away or will we need to build up to that?

I’m standing in the middle of the room, undecided on how I should play this, when I hear the door open.

My heart jumps into my throat as I spin around, a huge grin already plastered on my face?—

And then it falls.

Because it’s not her.

There’s a large, rugged-looking man standing in the doorway. He’s got dark hair, a flannel, and bright blue eyes. What is he doing here?

“Sorry, I think you’ve got the wrong apartment,” I say with a nervous laugh, hoping this guy will hurry up and leave before L gets here.

“B?” he asks, sounding kind of breathless. His brows are furrowed as he checks me out, like he isn’t sure if I’m who he’s looking for either.

“Oh, are you a producer or something? Should I be standing in a different spot for the big reveal?” I check, looking around and positioning myself so that I’m facing the door .

“A producer? What are you talking about?” he asks, stepping fully into the apartment.

And that’s when I see the suitcase he’s wheeling in behind him.

Into the apartment.

The apartment I’m going to share with L.

Because we just agreed to move in together.

To advance our relationship .

L, who I’ve been picturing this entire time as a woman… why the fuck did I do that?

This is L, who I decided I want to be exclusive with.

L, who I shared parts of my life with that I’ve never shared with anyone else.

L, the person I’ve decided I want to build something real with for the first time in my life.

I’m completely frozen in place, like I don’t even have control of my body right now as I try to mentally catch up to what’s happening.

I knew it was a possibility. When I first got to the show, I thought about how much easier this would be if I was attracted to men.

Chad had even suggested this exact scenario when we first talked about the show, and I shrugged it off, assuming that I would know if I was talking to a man.

Except I didn’t .

I didn’t know.

I chose him.

A man.

And now he’s standing in front of me, looking exactly as confused as I feel.

“Wait, you’re L? LM?” I finally question.

“Uh, yeah?”

I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience, like this isn’t actually happening to me right now.

Everything I pictured during our dates—the way I imagined her laughing, the way I thought she’d look at me when we finally met—it’s all unraveling in real time.

Every late-night conversation, every inside joke, every stupid little thing we shared—it was all him . LM was always a man.

He’s the one who’s been teaching me to cook.

He’s the one who I’ve lost sleep over, staying up late because I didn’t want to say goodbye.

He’s the one I imagined taking me to his farm, showing me his world, maybe even letting me be part of his dream.

My head is spinning as all the details from the last week are suddenly merging with the man in front of me.

“Is something wrong?” he asks, clearly thrown off by the reaction I’m having. I take a deep breath, shaking my head before I finally seem to remember how to speak.

“You’re a man,” I finally point out.

“And that’s a problem?” He looks somewhere between confused and mad now, so whatever vibe I’m giving off is clearly not the excited meeting he was probably hoping for.

I focus on my breathing so I can answer him.

The thoughts are flying through my head way faster than I can process them.

I take a moment to try to sort through the emotions.

I’m surprised more than anything. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t more seriously consider this as a possibility.

I’m not angry, though. At the end of the day, I wouldn’t have wanted to pick anyone else.

L is the only one I had any true connection with, and I don’t regret my decision.

That has to mean something, right? Is there a chance that we could still have a real relationship, even if I’ve never seriously considered one with another man?

I’m sure everyone watching this will love this set up after how confidently I labeled myself as the straight contestant on a queer dating show.

“I’ve never dated a man before,” I admit.

The words are out of my mouth before I can even really consider stopping them.

I don’t have anything against men dating other men, it’s just something that I’d never considered for myself before this show.

Even when I thought about it in the abstract early on after getting here, the hypothetical felt very different from the man I have a real connection with, who is standing here across from me.

“Is that a problem? Did you not know what show you signed up for?” he asks as he turns for the door, and I race forward, grabbing his arm to stop him.

“Wait, don’t go!” Even though this isn’t what I was picturing, I’m not ready for him to walk away.

“What do you expect me to do? You saw me and were obviously disappointed. Then you pointed out that you don’t date men,” he says, emphasizing each word like I need help understanding.

“I’m a man. You look absolutely terrified right now, not like some closeted baby bi who’s excited for his first gay experience.

This whole interaction didn’t exactly scream ‘I’m so excited to be in a relationship with you,’” he huffs, glaring at where my hand is still on his arm.

“I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t excited to be with me.

So I think I should just save us both the embarrassment and go. ”