Page 74 of Surviving Slater

"We all have. Some mistakes you can walk away from and some you can't."

It was like he felt the same pain I did. The intensity of his gaze made me swallow nervously. For so long my only connection with guys had been on a physical level but with this tattooed bad boy it was more.

The way my heart skipped a beat when his eye connected with mine… The feel of my skin tingling beneath his gaze… The way my pulse quickened and my mouth suddenly dried, making it harder to talk...

When he spoke of his scars my soul felt his sadness. When I saw his pain I wanted to carry it for him. It was the moment I realized I was hopelessly in love with him. Now I understood what my mom meant by "the one."

But the reality was my "one" was so badly scarred he wasn't capable of returning my feelings. At the slightest connection he'd run to the first available girl. He had replaced me without a second thought even though, to me, he was irreplaceable.

He stood closer and I felt the pull to him. It would be so easy to allow it to happen. I could give myself enough reasons to kiss him, to love him. But I had a reason to resist. He didn't love me and he never could.

Before I had realized how I felt, just having the physical side of him had been enough—but now I craved and needed more.

"I'm a mistake you can walk away from." His words cut right through me like a hot knife through butter.Hehad been the one to walk away.

"You're the one who left," I said, feeling the need to remind him. "And do I need to remind you about Cathy?"

I hated how I felt like a jealous girlfriend when I had no right to feel that way.

"It may hurt now but one day you will thank me." He shrugged his broad shoulders. He looked resigned with his decision.

"I doubt that," I shot back, feeling the anger through my heartbreak. My first and possibly only chance at real love had already decided to end us before we had even had a chance to begin.

Matthew's words echoed in my mind:"Find someone who can love you."I felt the sting of tears but bravely ignored them, refusing to allow him to see me cry over him.

"Look after yourself. Get the help you need," he said. Then he gave me one last look that stripped me bare, but I couldn't just leave it at that.

"I can take care of myself. All I need from you is to stay out of my life." He held my gaze before he walked away. I felt him brush past me as he left.

I tilted my head up to the ceiling as my first tears escaped just as I heard the door close behind him. Putting my head to my chest to ease the pain, I inhaled and my tears began to break free.

Feeling weak, I sat down on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest. I replayed his words in my mind while wiping my tears.

He was worried about me but he didn't want to be the person to help me. Our connection and my true feelings for him had allowed him to break through my walls I'd built to protect myself.

I was alone with a broken heart and broken walls with no protection. I reached for the bottle, despite his warning, and swallowed one. Just today I would use them to mask the pain. Tomorrow I would stop using them and try to find another way to deal with it.

Maybe it was better this way. Instead of spending more time with Slater and increasing the intensity of what I felt for him, I knew exactly where I stood with him. There was no wondering or second-guessing. I wasn't enough for him to even try.

My thoughts drifted to Connor. I knew I should probably call him and tell him Shannon was Slater's dead sister, but something made me stop. Maybe knowing what had happened would help me understand the boy I loved and it would help me get over him.

It was something, and I needed that hope. Slater would still be a part of my life because of my friendship with Taylor. Finding a way to see him with someone else without falling to pieces was what I had to figure out.

Feeling tired, I got ready for bed. That night, though, sleep didn't come easily. My mind was too busy with the events from my visit with Slater. When I finally fell asleep, I hoped I could at least hold on to him in my dreams.

But my dreams turned to nightmares.

I smelled stale cigarettes as I huddled in my bed. My hands were tightly gripping my covers, using them to protect me.

The sound of my door creaking open made me turn my head, and I saw the shadowed man step into my room.

I closed my eyes briefly, hoping and praying he was just a part of my imagination, but when I finally found the courage to reopen them he was still there.

No,my mind said.I don't want to.

But I didn't make a sound as he got closer.

"Baby?" he whispered. I closed my eyes, trying to pretend I was sleeping.