Page 49 of Surviving Slater

I wanted him to leave me alone. And as far as I was concerned, I didn't want to see him again. Not after this. Not after what he'd witnessed.

"I can't," he said, and my back stiffened. I looked over my shoulder at him.

"I need you to go," I said as calmly as I could, trying to keep the desperation from dripping out in my voice.

He studied me for a moment before he got up and walked into the bathroom. Hastily I turned back and clamped my hand over my mouth to keep him from hearing my sobs. A few minutes later the bathroom door opened and I squeezed my eyes closed as I listened to him get dressed, with me still fixed to the same spot he'd left me in.

I waited to hear the sound of my door opening but there was nothing. After a minute I turned to look at him again. There it was. The sympathy in his eyes.

"You sure you want me to leave?" he asked, his eyes searching mine.

I nodded, unable to speak as emotion tightened my throat. This time when I looked back to the window I heard his footsteps and the door opened. There was a moment of hesitation and I held my breath. Then the door closed.

Finally. Sobs broke from me and I felt like I was being torn from the inside out. I lay on the bed and curled up into a ball as I rode the wave of anguish and disgust.

The sheet covered my nakedness and caught my tears as I stared out the window. I didn't know how to handle my issues; ignoring them and sweeping them under the carpet had been my only way to make it this far. But not anymore.

Each time I closed my eyes an image of Slater appeared in my mind.Hedid this. It was because of him I was trying to pick up the pieces again and put myself back together. But each time I broke, the pieces were harder to fit back into place. Sometimes they didn't, leaving me more fractured than before.

You can't keep going like this, my mind told me but I ignored it. Feeling anxious, I stood up and pulled on a shirt and a pair of sleep shorts before I began to pace while wringing my hands.

Maybe it's time to tell someone.But I pushed the thought out of my mind. I put a hand to my forehead and took a deep breath.

I couldn't tell anyone. Revealing it would make people see how dirty and disgusted I was with myself. It didn't matter whose fault it was, it didn't matter that it wasn't my actions that had led to this. No, none of that mattered. All that mattered was how it had left me unable to cope with the self-hate.

I felt a wave of tiredness so I got back into my bed and pulled up the covers. I could still smell him on my sheets but I pushed him out of my mind. Feeling hurt and angry that he'd lifted the lid on my secret and allowed it to escape kept me awake for the rest of the night.

The next morningI lay in bed, eyes still staring off into the distance and not really focusing on anything. Emotionally and physically I felt exhausted. When my alarm sounded, I switched it off.

I didn't get up and get ready for class like I should have. Instead I remained in my bed with my covers clutched in my hands up to my chin. Feeling unable to cope, there was no way I could go in to school in the state I was in.

Tearing up, I struggled with how to deal with the renewed emotions of my childhood incident that had scarred my soul.

My phone started to ring but I didn't want to talk to anyone. It didn't matter who it was, no one could help me. After a few more rings the call ended.

I heard distinctive noise as Matthew got up. It was a little later when he knocked on the door. I held my breath, not ready to face anyone.

"Aren't you going to classes today?" he asked, his voice upbeat and chirpy.

Keeping silent would just make him worry, and I needed space to try and put myself back together.

"Jordan?" he asked. I wanted to tell him I was not feeling well but when I opened my mouth, no words came out.

Closing my eyes tightly, I tried to block out what was happening on the outside. All I could concentrate on was the throbbing pain coming from my chest. Images I had suppressed for so long began to play through my mind. There was no escaping them and the feelings they evoked.

Shame and anger overwhelmed me. Tears began to escape from my eyes as I quietly cried.

"Jordan?" Matthew's voice penetrated my emotional breakdown. "I'm worried about you."

I swallowed hard, trying to get a grip, but I couldn't stop the tears from breaking free.

"I'm okay," I said softly, hoping it would be enough for him to back off and give me the space I needed.

Trying to keep as quiet as possible so he would leave me, I pressed my hand over my mouth. Several seconds of silence passed as I waited, hoping it would be enough.

"If you're okay, open the door and let me see."

I squeezed my eyes closed and tilted my head up to the ceiling, trying to rein in the frustration that was amplified by my raw emotions.