Page 52 of Surviving Slater

I wanted to tell him but I couldn't. I remembered asking Taylor why she'd been so hesitant to tell people about her past and she'd told me once people found out they looked at her differently.

If I revealed what had happened, he would look at me differently and I didn't want that. To him I was Jordan, the happy, teasing roommate. I didn't want him to look at me with sympathy. It would make the shame harder to carry.

"I just need to eat something and have a good night's sleep," I told him, trying to lift my voice so I would sound happier than I felt. "Tomorrow I'll be better."

It was an outright lie. Tomorrow I would still walk with the wounds. There was no way to fix it, and even trying to ignore it hadn't worked. It had only been a temporary reprieve.

He studied me for a moment. "Okay," he said, nodding his head.

He turned to leave but stopped just short of the doorway before looking back at me. "If you change your mind I'm here for you."

I nodded, unable to talk without giving away my vulnerability. Even after he left, it took a few more minutes to stop myself from crying. Turning back to the task of getting the milk and pouring some into the bowl distracted me slightly.

With my supper, I returned to my room and closed the door. Back in the sanctuary of my room I sat on the floor and ate some cereal. My stomach felt too knotted to eat much so after a few mouthfuls I pushed it away.

Tomorrow I had promised to be better. I was still a mess and I had no idea how I would be able to carry on as normal when I felt like a festering, raw, open wound.

Deciding that I should get up and take a shower before getting into bed pushed me into action. My body felt tired and sore. My mind was still cluttered with thoughts that I didn't want to confront. Going through the motions of showering and getting dressed in my pajamas kept me from concentrating on what was running through my mind.

Just as I entered my room, I heard voices. I stopped. That meant Matthew had company. I went to my door and put my ear against it, hoping to recognize the other voice.

The voices were muffled, but they seemed to be getting closer. Then I heard him.

"I need to see her," Slater said. I pulled away like I had been burned by a hot surface. Backing away from the door, I contemplated why he was here.

The knock was unexpected.

"Open up, Jordan," Slater demanded.

I bit my nail, trying to figure out what to do. I couldn't pretend I wasn't here because he knew I was.

"I'm not going anywhere until you open the door," Slater warned. "I'll stay here all night if I have to."

Damn it!Feeling my anger overtake any other emotions I was feeling, I walked to the door. This hadn't been part of our agreement. Just sex. Not meddling in each other's issues. By being here, he was overstepping the line we had drawn.

"Go away, Slater," I said angrily, still refusing to allow him in.

Matthew was silent and that made me even angrier. I had explained to him I needed to be alone. Why had he allowed Slater in?

"Open the door," Slater commanded, his voice laced with growing anger. It took me by surprise. Slater didn't usually show a lot of emotion other than the happy-go-lucky guy, which was a front for the complicated guy whose issues kept him from getting too close to people.

I leaned my forehead against the door. It felt like the walls of the room were closing in on me, smothering the air I needed to breathe. I struggled to take a deep breath, feeling my lungs ache as they filled with a little air but not enough to keep my panic at bay.

"Please leave," I murmured through the door. It was my last attempt to keep him out.

"I can't." The steeliness in his voice told me all I needed to know. He wasn't going to leave until he saw me. It meant opening up the door and allowing him into my safe haven where I had been trying to work through my terrible childhood nightmare.

I squeezed my eyes closed briefly as my hand went to the handle.

I couldn't allow this to escalate. If I refused and Slater got more worked up I had no idea what it would push Matthew to do. Would he break the door down like he'd threatened to do earlier? I couldn't risk Connor finding out.

It was the last thing I needed at the moment. Connor, the over-protective brother of my best friend, wanting to know why a door in the apartment he was renting had been broken.

Slowly I turned the door handle.

Get yourself together, I told myself, refusing to allow Slater or Matthew to see how badly I had been struggling with my inner demons.Pretend everything is fine.

The door opened.