Page 115 of Surviving Slater

"I know you think this is fixable but it's not. I don't trust you."

"I would never cheat on you," he assured me fiercely.

I shook my head.

"That's not what I mean. I can't trust that you won't hurt me again. If I let you in I'll just be waiting for you to walk out on me again."

It was the truth. Every time we had a disagreement I would be scared he would walk away like he had done so many times before. I couldn't live like that, on edge, waiting for him to leave.

"I won't." He said it with such conviction that I wanted to believe him. I really did. "Give me a chance. I can't change what happened, I can only change what happens from here on out."

The risk was too great.

"You have no idea how much I have suffered for the past five weeks. You ended what we had and I've been trying to pick up the pieces. Now you suddenly appear in my life again and want to work things out?" I exhaled sharply. "Do you know how much you hurt me?"

"I'm sorry," he said softly. He reached out but I stepped back.

"It doesn't erase what you've put me through." I was still so angry and so very hurt.

"Give me a chance to make it right. Let me show you I'm serious this time."

My throat thickened and I swallowed hard. Would giving him that hope hurt us both in the long run? I didn't know. I had no idea what was the right thing to do.

My mind said no while my heart screamed yes. I was torn, not sure what to say. If I held on to the pain of the last five weeks I could tell him to leave, but I remembered what it felt like to be with him.

"You don't have to make a decision right now," he said, retrieving his shirt from the floor. "Think about it."

I stood watching while he looked back at me one last time before he left. When the door closed, I sat down on my bed.

A few minutes later there was a knock at my door.

"Can I come in?" It was Matthew.

"Yes."

He opened the door and peered inside.

"How did it go?" he asked as he entered my room, closing the door behind him.

He sat down beside me and I looked down at my hands folded on my lap.

"I don't know," I said, looking up at him. "He says he wants me but I don't think I can give him another chance."

He put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed me while he gave me a sympathetic look. I leaned my head against his shoulder, trying to figure out what I was going to do next.

"Want some ice cream for breakfast?" he asked. I smiled.

"Yes. I think I might need the double-chocolate one."

I knew no amount of ice cream was going to help, though. I needed time to sort my head out and deal with the anger I still felt for Slater.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Iwas determinedto be strong and to move on. I refused to stay at home any longer, moping around and eating tons of ice cream. Instead I went to classes, pushing through the numbing pain, and I smiled even though I was hurting inside despite all my attempts to get over the bad boy who'd broken my heart.

There was no escaping Slater. He seemed to be everywhere when I went to school, or maybe it was my aching heart that sought him out subconsciously. I tried to make as if I didn't see him but I watched him like a hawk. It didn't help when I saw him talking to some girls who hung on his every word.

I smothered the feeling of jealously. I had let him go, he wasn't mine anymore, and the sooner I made peace with that the better for me. But I couldn't help my feelings, or the way I subconsciously looked for him in places he might be, like on campus.