Page 44 of Structure of Love
He wasn’t wrong, either, which was kind of unsettling. How did I not understand this about myself? But it felt true. I was still learning how to trust Logan. Trust was hard won with me, mostly because people seemed intent on screwing me over. But I wanted to believe in Logan. I think that was the difference here. I just needed more time.
“It took you a while to open up to me and Riggs, and I can see you going through the same process with Logan. I think it’s going faster with him because you’re spending more time with him, and you want to trust him, so you’re letting yourself open up.”
“I mean…yeah, fair point.”
“Plus he’s cuter than me.”
I snickered. “You’re sexy, Cohen, I promise.”
He rolled his eyes. “Not my point. My point is, it seems to me you’re hesitating more because you’re still in that learning-to-trust-him phase. I want to emphasize, there’s absolutelynothingwrong about that. We all take relationships at our own pace.”
He made a really good point. I grunted, nodding, but also felt like this whole dilemma was giving me a headache. I hated my trust issues, but I had them for good reason. Well, bad reasons, really. It was to Logan’s credit he’d already disarmed me this much when normally my walls were a goddamn fortress.
We both understood the problem, but I wrestled with my own emotions. On the one hand, I still felt a little wary. On the other, I felt like my wariness was rude to Logan, when he’d not done anything to warrant my distrust. All of that was mixed in with this growing need for the man. I walked a tight rope with my emotions and I didn’t enjoy it whatsoever. I was sometimes incredibly frustrated with myself. “It’s not helping that I like sex, always have, but I’ve neverwantedsomeone like I want Logan. And emotionally, I’m not sure where I’m at, because I’ve never had a relationship get to this level. He’s definitely a friend, and Ican see him becoming a true friend. He’s the type of person I can depend on and want to keep in my life, and I like being with him. And, of course, I want to eat him up—anyone with eyes would want that—but is that the sum of a relationship?”
“At this stage, yes.” Cohen regarded me thoughtfully. “Gage, you don’t have to beeverythingto this man to move the relationship to the next stage. The fact you like him, want him, is enough to keep going. Don’t overthink it.”
“I guess I’m not sure where the line is, when things have gotten serious enough to ask for exclusivity.”
“Well, do you want him dating other people?”
I thought about his question. “I think I’d end up in an orange jumper if he did.”
“Ha! Then there’s your answer. Make your wants clear to him. If he’s not on the same page, better to know.”
“Truly. But exclusivity is all right to ask for, even though we’re not lovers yet?”
“Sure. So long as he agrees.”
Cohen’s answer made me feel better. I didn’t want to rush things, but I also didn’t want to drag anything out. It was hard to get a feel for the timing of my growing relationship, and Cohen was the only one in our group—prior to Asher and Zar getting together—who had been in a long-term, committed relationship. He’d know how relationships were supposed to progress. Someday, I wanted to be as wise as Cohen.
Shooting him a grateful smile, I switched mental tracks. If I started daydreaming about Logan, I wouldn’t get any work done today.
“We have DnD tonight, so let’s focus.”
Cohen gestured toward the house with a clearby-your-leavebow. “Then let’s get started. We can focus on the back of the house first, namely the kitchen of despair.”
“I don’t like the way you said that.”
“Just wait until you see it. You’ll like it less.”
Grumbling to myself, I followed him to the back of the house, then stepped up cautiously, as someone had put in some temporary steps. There had been actual steps to the back of this house, so the fact those were gone and now we had temporary ones? Not a great sign.
Then Cohen turned and warned, “Only step where there’s tape on the floor.”
“I beg your finest pardon? Is this a dungeon and there’s booby traps or something?”
“Just pretend you’re in one of Riggs’s dungeons, there’s booby traps, and you rolled a nat one.”
“Shit. Okay.”
I stepped only where there was blue painter tape, taking a good look around. The counters, appliances, and outdated cabinets had all been removed, so demolition had gone fast on this back end. The awful, hideous linoleum had also been ripped out. That was where the problems started. This entire floor had so many holes, it was a minefield to navigate. The walls, too, had been stripped bare of Sheetrock, and I could see water-damaged plywood. That didn’t look good at all. It looked quite black and moldy, in fact.
In theory, I should be able to see framing right now, and I was confused about why I didn’t. “Uh, Cohen? How’d you manage to stress out a building?”
He gave me quite the look. “Hardy har har.”
“I’m serious, this kitchen wasn’t this bad last time I looked at it. Any reason why there’s plywood all over the walls? Why didn’t you take it down to framing?”