Page 103 of Structure of Love

“Well, from what he tells me, he was worse than Cooper. He’s got multiple misdemeanors, he used to get into fights all the time, underage drinking, the works. The difference between them is that Logan had an awakening in his early twenties, and he realized he didn’t want to be that kind of person. He put in the work to become the man he is today.That’swhy Cooper is looking up to him as a role model. Logan turned his life around. He knows the pitfalls, the goal lines, all of it. He can guide Cooper through the rough patches to success better than anyone else can.”

She glanced at my house, where Cooper was, her brow still furrowed.

I let her think, since for once shewasthinking instead of emotionally reacting.

“Is he a good man? Logan?”

Finally, a normal question for a mother to ask. “He’s incredible.”

Her attention turned back to me as she studied my face. “Why do you say that?”

“Well, he’s a business owner. He runs Blackbird, the bar. No one helped him build the business, either, he didn’t even have a business loan. He saved for years, working two jobs, to open it. He’s incredibly calm under pressure, has amazing communication skills, and has a loving openness. I’m incredibly lucky to have him.”

“Why can’t you do this, though?”

“Because for too many years I was forced to be Cooper’s parent,” I said with what limited patience I could gather. “And because of that, we have a very unhealthy dynamic. If I try to guide him in any way, it’ll backfire. It always has. We need to straighten out our relationship first and foremost. Better for Logan to mentor, if Cooper wants him.”

“But you’re his brother—”

“You’ve literally forced me into a parent’s role for years, Mom. Tell me of a single time when that resulted in something good. Just one time. Because I can’t think of one.”

Her eyes fell to the ground again. Her shoulders dropped completely, like a lifeless doll with no will of its own. “You hate me for that.”

“I do. Honestly.” I couldn’t keep my neutral tone anymore. I was too heartbroken. Too much of my inner child screaming “Why?!” into the void. My voice turned accusatory and I did nothing to stop it. “I was a child. Why were you trying to make me his parent? That was your job, you and your husband’s. It never should have been mine.”

“I was struggling alone. Your father was gone, Cooper was so hurt, I just needed help. You were just so mature for your age—”

“Bullshit. I ate a crayon on a dare at thirteen. Don’t assign me maturity I didn’t have.”

She fell silent again.

Were any of my words sinking in? I thought they were. Maybe.

I studied the struggling woman before me, and realized I would never have the mother I yearned for. Even if she straightened out her life, I could never look at her without some level of resentment. I didn’t think we’d ever have a true, loving mother-son relationship. The acceptance of the loss felt like a lot like relief. “The past few days have made me realize I need therapy too. For what you and Dad did to me. So I’m going to start seeing someone along with Cooper. I think you should stop drinking and get help too.”

Her eyes were bright with unshed tears as she stared at me. “Why? If you hate me, why bother?”

“Call it a last ditch effort.” The truth of my statement rang with a depth that surprised even me. “In therapy, I hope you will come to realize that what you did to us was abuse. That’s why I’m angry with you. Why we have this unhealthy dynamic between us. I just can’t keep going on like we have been.”

She covered her mouth, choking back a sob. “You think I abused you?”

“Parentification is abuse, and that’s what you’re not getting.”

Mom wiped away tears. “If I do therapy, then what?”

“What do you mean?”

“Will you and Cooper finally be with me, like you should be?”

“I can’t speak for Cooper, but for myself? No.”

Tears were back in her eyes and she almost screamed, “Why?!”

“Because I can’t trust you.”

Her jaw dropped. “I am yourmother!”

“You did more damage to me than any other person who has wronged me.” When she spluttered, my tone hardened. Fuck, she really wasn’t getting this and I was running out of patience trying to explain. “Do you not understand how hard it was for me being your pseudohusband and a pseudofather to my little brother? I can’t do this dynamic. And frankly, I won’t trust you right now. If you put in the work, do therapy, get sober, thenmaybewe can revisit this.”