Page 38 of Structure of Love
Even while I answered Logan, I marveled at being able to share the story with him. So many dates wouldn’t have been interested, or they would have politely listened before moving the topic along. I could tell Logan actively listened. I felt heard, truly heard, and it had been a hot minute since this all had happened. Something about having this man’s undivided attention felt so incredibly cathartic. It was almost empowering? It made me want to share everything with him, which was likely not the right call, as that would be overwhelming, but some part of me longed to open up to him.
His hand stole into mine, not to be romantic, but as a comfort. I latched on tight and leeched the warmth from his palm.
“Alrighty, I can see where things went wrong and why.” Logan’s tone wasn’t judgmental, just factual. “Hon, remember what I said the first night I met you?”
“I have to let Cooper hit rock bottom, otherwise he’ll never grow.”
“Ahh, so you were listening.”
“I mean, I was mostly ogling you, but yes, I did listen.”
He grinned. “We’ll come back to the ogling later. I stand by what I said. In Cooper’s world, there’s no consequences. Why would he change when there’s nothing to prompt that change? He can do what he wants, and someone cleans up the mess for him, so his life’s hunky-dory. I understand that for you, dealing with him makes things easier in the short run. You don’t have an upset mother in your ear, your brother is settled for the time being, and you can move on. In the long run, you’re just as much a poison for Cooper as your mother is, and it’ll destroy your life as much as it’s destroying his.”
“Ouch.” I winced but couldn’t argue. He was right. “I know I need to quit, that I’m part of the problem, I just don’t know how except going cold turkey.”
“That’s precisely what you have to do. I know how hard it is, and it’ll be brutal for the first month or more. But if you don’t cut them off now, they’ll just get worse. Nothing will improve. Neither your mother nor Cooper will change because life is comfortable for them. You have to make it uncomfortable. Or just take yourself out of the equation. Block your mom if you have to, go low contact until she realizes she’s screwed up. She might never realize it. I don’t know her, so I can’t guess.”
Even the suggestion made my stomach churn. I could envision the fallout without difficulty, and it would be apocalyptic there for a while but…he was right. As uncomfortable and nauseated as I felt, I needed to do it. “I don’t think she will. I don’t think Cooper will change either, to tell you the truth. But you’re right in that I’m letting them run my life, and if they keep doing so, they’ll ruin it. Like they almost ruined my date tonight with you.”
“I take it as the highest compliment that you chose me over them.” Logan leaned in and kissed me softly.
“I’m also a little afraid of missing that call. Y’know? The call telling me he’s dead or severely injured. He has no goddamn sense when he starts drinking, and he’s been injured more than once from sheer stupidity. I fear he’s going to get himself killed. Sometimes just seeing him call sets off my anxiety, because what are the odds he’s finally done something irreversible? On the other hand…I can’t stop him. I can’t do anything but pick up the pieces. It’s an uncomfortable tightrope I’ve walked.”
Logan’s voice was full of sympathy as he said, “It’s a reasonable fear. I won’t deny or downplay it. I know it’ll be hard. All I can suggest is to maintain low contact, at the very least. You are the emotional punching bag for both of them, which isn’t fair to you. You didn’t sign up for that.”
For some reason, his last line hit home like nothing else had. I didn’t want this. I had done nothing to deserve being their punching bag. It wasn’t my fault my mother had lost control of the car and had no other adult to rely on. It wasn’t my fault Cooper had been hurt. I’d been achild. So why was I carrying the burden for everyone else? Why was I choosing to carry the burden and not put it down? When framed like that, it was so obvious. I felt anger, resentment long buried, building up to the foreground. I shouldn’t have to deal with the fallout of someone else’s choices. That waswrong.
“Ah,” Logan murmured. “I can see that hit home.”
He had no idea. He’d framed my life in the perfect way for me to see I was the emotional punching bag for my family, and dammit, that shit sucked. It also wasn’t fair. And it was about time I stood up for myself.
I sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. “Logan, if you ever choose to change careers, consider being a therapist. You’d be damn good at it.”
“Ha! I doubt I ever will, but I’ll take it as a compliment. Feeling steadier?”
“Yeah. Let’s go back to throwing axes at a wall. I promise not to break the wall.”
“I mean, you can if you want to. In retrospect, that shit’s funny. If nothing else, try to work out some more frustration.”
“I’m good with that.”
He didn’t ask me to decide right away. I think he knew I needed to process, figure out how I wanted to approach setting boundaries. But I would.
I was done being their punching bag.
Zar: Coop’s home
Gage: Thank you so much
Zar: He was a handful and I was maybe rough throwing him in the house
Gage: Fine by me
Zar: Date go good?
Gage: Went great. I appreciate you covering for me. But I won’t ask again
Gage: I’m not cleaning up after Cooper again