Page 44 of My Broken Mate (Healing Bonds #1)

Chapter thirty-two

Temper

*SEAN*

The vein on my neck has been throbbing ever since we stepped into Joel’s apartment. I am good at keeping the pretense, but years under my father’s cruel mentorship have also made me very perceptive to what’s happening around me.

I have spent the last two years controlling each of my steps. Even when I just reach out to grab something from a cupboard, I make sure my movement is controlled. I don’t raise my voice, and I make sure to keep any negative emotion out of my tone or expression.

Yet it doesn’t change anything.

It’s a fact that both my brothers live a second life, a second personality that they keep far away from me. Maybe I am doing that, too. Am I? I don’t know. Aside from occasionally meeting with Joel, I am the same as always. Smile, nod, talk, walk in control.

9…8…7…

I steady my breath, willing the annoyance down, not to lash out at the first person to cross my way. Levi is driving us back to the pack, none of us saying a word.

“Did you—” Levi clears his throat. “Well, did you have a nice evening?” he says cheerfully.

Remy is looking out of the window, his eyes tracing something in the distance. I am not even sure he is listening. As for Gabriel, he just shifts around nervously. When the silence gets too suffocating and Levi grips the wheel tighter, I decide to give him an answer. “It was good,” I say shortly.

Levi nods, pearls of sweat on his forehead.

More silence.

“How was your evening?” I ask him in return. The poor guy has not done anything wrong to suffer through this whole drive back.

Levi looks a little relieved and starts telling me that he met some of the warriors.

I let him talk, barely responding, but it doesn’t seem like he expects me to.

Levi knows me well, and he is one of my very few friends and has always had my back.

I lean back in my seat and let his words wash over me, hoping it will help me will my turmoil of emotions down.

It doesn’t help.

When Levi parks the car, Gabriel and Remy exit it first. Levi turns to look at me. “Sean, is—”

“No, it isn’t,” I say. “Thank you for trying to keep us sane during the drive back. See you tomorrow.”

Approaching the packhouse makes the usual squeezy feeling settle in my stomach, cold dread filling me like it always does.

Some of my worst memories have roots in this place.

I will the feelings down, and walk upstairs on foot.

Remy is a bit ahead of me, while Gabriel takes the elevator.

He arrives shortly after Remy and I enter the Alpha Suite.

Once inside, Remy immediately targets his room, while I plan on going to my office, ready to shut myself in there to calm down. I have my hand on the doorknob when Gabriel throws the entrance door shut loudly, making me startle and turn to look at him.

“Can we just for once,” he blurts out. “Not fucking run away from each other?”

Remy halts in his step, turning to look at Gabriel as well. “What…”

“All of us live next to each other,” he argues. “This sucks! Fuck, we are family!”

8…7…6…

I let go of the doorknob and walk back. “And what are we supposed to talk about now?”

“Well,” Gabriel mutters, looking at Remy. “It’s good news, isn’t it?”

“Oh, it’s fantastic news!” I exclaim. “It would have been even better news had I known, instead of finding out like this.”

“I didn’t want to bother anyone,” Remy says evasively.

I don’t need to be the alpha of the pack to know it isn’t the full truth, and annoyance starts to push my eyebrow into slightly ticking again.

“It means you have a connection with your wolf,” Gabriel says. “That’s good.”

“It’s amazing, but I wouldn’t have talked to our experts daily to see what solutions we have to help with your connection to your wolf.”

“That’s how often you talk to them?” Remy gapes. He looks at Gabriel, who shrugs and nods. “Fuck, why didn’t you tell me? Obviously, I am not the only one here keeping secrets!”

7…6…5…

“Well…” Gabriel mutters.

“Damn it,” I groan. “It’s not always all our fault. The way we are right now is not just on me and Gabriel!”

Remy stays silent while Gabriel rubs his head. “It’s… yeah… but…” he mutters, scrambling for words.

I narrow my eyes, staring at him. Gabe tenses up immediately. I fucking knew it. It’s always the same.

7…6… The fuck with it! “What do you even want me to do?” I yell, slamming my hands down on the table in front of me.

The effect is as expected, which is the reason I did it.

Remy flinches while Gabriel takes a hurried step back.

“No matter what I do, it doesn’t matter.

I have two brothers, one terrified of me and the other barely able to look me in the eye. ”

Gabriel pales, realization settling in him. He probably knows I just tested them now. “It’s a—”

“A trauma response, I know,” I huff. “I only have his face. I wish I could change it for something else. But I can’t. I look like him, but I am not him.”

“I know… fuck, I know,” Gabriel exclaims.

I rub my eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. “Forget it,” I say. “It’s fine. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

I have no idea what my brothers are up to, but my ears take in a door being opened and closed nearby. It’s probably Remy, hiding in his room like he always does. As for Gabriel, I have no idea.

Grabbing the bottle of scotch from the cabinet, I pour a drink and sit down on my chair. Oh, fuck it! I still feel something hammering against my head, but I am not sure if it’s just anger right now. Burying my head in my hands, I try to listen to the feeling, but I am not able to fully grasp it.

My phone lights up with an incoming message, pulling me out of my misery. It’s Joel.

Who thought our baby-sister and baby-brother would be mates? How cool is that?!

Sorry, I type swiftly. Dealing with a crisis here. Talk later.

Not even half a minute later, my phone rings. “Joel,” I pick up. “I said later.”

“It is later,” he emphasizes. “What happened?

“Nothing.”

“It doesn’t sound like nothing,” he says.

“Joel,” I say, frustrated. “Why can’t you leave me the fuck alone?”

“Oh, that’s easy, I don’t want to,” he says. “And since I am not there to suck the tension out of you, you need to talk to me.”

He seems to be the only person who has no ounce of fear of me in him.

I wonder if I should hang up on him, but I am sure he would find another way to contact me. And he isn’t the type of person to let go either. I might as well tell him. “I just yelled at them.”

“At Gabe and Remy?” Joel verifies.

“Yes.”

“Okay, and?” he asks. When I say nothing, he chuckles slightly. “Is that all?”

“I cannot be out of control,” I grind out.

“So what?” Joel says, suddenly sounding more serious than ever. “You can’t be human?!”

“I can’t lose my cool.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” he snorts.

I frown. “Did you just call me an idiot?”

“Yeah, so what? You argued. Big deal. By the goddess, no one got hurt. It’s not like you beat one of them. Where are you now?”

“In my study.”

“Why? You have work to do at this late hour?”

I glance at my phone in disbelief. “No, I am not working. I am sitting here to calm down.”

“What for?”

“Not to lash out at anyone.”

“Goddess forbid anyone might realize how you feel,” Joel mutters. “Listen, I know your old man fucked you all over. I don’t know the details, but I know it had to be bad. But it’s okay for you to feel and to show emotions. So, tell me, how do you feel?”

“I am angry.”

“No, you are not,” he says quietly.

“Goddess, Joel,” I sigh. “You really like pushing my buttons.”

“Normally, I would say yes and then hope you would fuck me,” he says. “But right now, man, you just sound miserable. Tell me. It’s just me.”

“I am feeling guilty for lashing out at them and for not being able to protect them all those years,” I hear myself say. “And I feel disappointed because no matter how hard I try, it’s not enough.”

“That’s all very valid. Why don’t you tell them?” he asks.

“You don’t understand,” I say.

“What do I not understand?” he asks, sounding soft, almost gentle, all of a sudden. “Sean, what am I not understanding?”

That they see our father in me, and it shows in the way Gabriel retaliates when I even sound a little bit angry, by how Remy hides when he thinks I am mad. I have his face, I can’t help it, I will always look like him.

A loud crash, accompanied by glass breaking, pulls me out of the talk with Joel.

“Joel, something happened! I will get back to you later.” I hang up on him, not waiting for his answer, before dashing out of the room, my heart hammering so fast against my chest it makes my ears drum and my head dizzy. Fuck, what happened now?

*GAbrIEL*

I keep standing in the corridor, rooted to my place for a couple of more minutes.

Sean disappeared into his office, and Remy into his room, leaving me here.

The silence is deafening. It’s the first time I notice how truly painful it is, and I have no idea how to break through it.

Should I knock at Sean’s door and see if I can talk things out with him?

But he seemed angry, and I know he likes to calm down first before seeing anyone.

As for Remy, it’s even worse. I wouldn’t even know how to start a conversation with him.

Three self-help books about communication and plenty of meetings with Ayden later, and I still mess up when it’s necessary that I deliver.

With my thoughts running amok, I just stand there, staring at all those closed doors, before finally making myself move. I don’t have it in me to retreat into my own office or room, so instead I walk further upstairs to the attic.

I am not even sure what to look for there.

It’s just crammed with boxes, most of them filled with seasonal decorations, old clothes and some sets of plates and cutlery.

Stored in the furthest corner are more painful memories, mainly from Mom.

Sean’s and my mom, at least. There is barely anything left from Remy’s.

Sean and I looked everywhere after Dad died, but we weren’t able to find anything.

It has to be somewhere, but we don’t know where. Right after she died, a fire broke out and swallowed most of her possessions, but still, there has to be something.

Making my way past most of the stuff, I settle down at the windowsill right above Remy’s room while rummaging through the boxes. There are lots of things from our childhood like plush animals and sand toys, some pictures and…

I grin when I pull out an old rope ladder.

Sean and I used this all the time to climb out of our windows just so we wouldn’t meet Dad.

Sean even used it to swing to my room. He had always been athletic like that.

Wondering if the old thing still works, I tie it to the windowsill and let it fall down the wall.

Fortunately, we are at the back of the packhouse right now, or my fellow pack members would have just been completely weirded out.

The rope ladder is dusty but still seems to be fine.

I strengthen the ties before shrugging off my coat and climbing out of the window.

I blame it on my walk down memory lane that I am doing this without even having a plan for what I want to do.

It doesn’t reach to the ground fully, but I could jump the last part.

The cold air outside and physical activity actually calm my nerves a bit, and I find myself taking the first steps down when I hear a crack.

That’s not good.

Another crack and then a snapping sound.

Oh, fuck! My survival instincts kick in immediately, making me hurry back up when another loud crack echoes through the silence, the steps of the ladder splintering before breaking completely. Clinging to the edge of the ladder, I glance upwards—so fucking close to the window—when something snaps.

“Damn it!” I yell, leaping to the other side of the ladder and clinging to the rope while the second one rips more and more.

This finally alerts my wolf enough to snarl at me. Down! He growls. Try to slip down!

He is right, it will hurt like crazy and rip the skin of my hands open, but it’s better than crashing down onto the ground. I loosen my grip, slipping downwards, when another snap can be heard.

Just my luck…

The grip I have on the rope loosens, and I can feel something falling downwards. With a last attempt to save my ass, I swing towards the next best window I spot, hoping I can land on the windowsill.