Page 38 of My Broken Mate (Healing Bonds #1)

Chapter twenty-six

Baby Steps

*GAbrIEL*

I t’s my third meeting with Ayden this week, and the brat made me go through all my talks with Remy over the last two weeks, even having me act them out!

Unfortunately for me, I have a very good memory and sadly, remember everything I said.

I have no idea what Ayden is getting at, but he promised to help, and he instantly saw through me. He isn’t scared of me either.

Beggars can’t be choosers.

“No surprise he avoids you like the plague,” he says at our third meeting before biting into his burger. I just told him in detail about my last talk with my younger brother.

“Excuse me?”

“I thought you, at the coffee shop, were being a bit too much, but now—” He takes another bite. “It’s like you are a teacher, warden and parent at the same time.”

“But I am his brother!”

“Exactly,” Ayden says.

I sink back into my chair, rethinking every word exchanged with Remy. “I guess, I can come off as a bit too much sometimes,” I mutter. “That’s why I’ve tried not to talk to him at all during the last few days.”

Ayden stares at me. “Can you only go from one extreme to another? That’s a serious question. What’s wrong with you? And how is your older brother handling this?”

“Sean?” I frown. “Remy admires Sean. He doesn’t ever question him.”

“And Sean?”

“Sean loves Remy,” I say.

“And does Remy know that?” Ayden pushes.

“Of course, we are brothers. He knows we love him.”

In a dramatic gesture, Ayden lets his forehead drop against the table. “Goddess, give me strength.” He looks up at me again. “So, you are telling me Remy is a mind reader? I didn’t know that. That’s actually pretty cool!”

“What do you mean?” I blink. “No one can read anyone’s mind.”

Ayden smirks before swallowing the last piece of his burger and moving to his fries. “Now you are slowly getting it.”

“This is ridiculous. We don’t need to say it for it to be known.”

“That might be true in some cases,” Ayden says. “I know that Joel and Evander don’t constantly tell Kat that they love her to bits. Yet she knows it. But they are them, and you and your brothers are you.”

I stare at him, my heart sinking. “And you think Remy doesn’t?”

“I don’t know your whole dynamic,” Ayden says.

“And I don’t know your history, how you grew up, but I have heard some things about your late father.

So, I am just going to guess now. He is the youngest brother of two powerful men, coming from a lineage of equally powerful men.

He is not like any of you, as much is obvious by even looking at him. ”

“But nothing about that is wrong,” I say.

“I know, you know, but does he know?” I ask.

I think about how hard Remy tries to please Sean, and my heart sinks further. Does that kid have a point? Goddess, he does.

“Sean is the way he is because of how he was raised. And I am the way I am…” My voice trails off, then I straighten my back.

“Because it was beaten into me as the hated middle child.” When Ayden stares at me, I shrug.

“There is no use beating around the bush. It’s the truth.

I had the brains, so I made sure to rely on them when everything else went crazy.

My father hated me for how weak I was compared to Sean. ”

Ayden leans back, tilting his head. “I… I don’t want to pry, really, I don’t. I know I am pushy, but you don’t need to answer the next question: How was your father with Remy?”

“You know Remy is our half-brother?” When he nods, I continue.

“Dad really liked Remy’s mom,” I say. “He hated Sean’s and mine, but Remy’s, he really was head over heels for her.

I do think that Sean was the son he found the most promising.

He is an alpha through and through. But Remy might have been the only one of us three he actually liked – maybe. ”

“Your father sounds like a psycho,” Ayden mutters in his refreshing honesty.

“That’s because he was.”

“Do you three ever talk about this with each other? Do you know if one of you is worried about something or has problems?”

“No,” I admit.

“Do you want to know?”

“Of course!”

Ayden scratches his head. “My advice?”

“Please, that’s what I am here for.”

“Your whole dynamic is off because of your upbringing, and this goes for all three of you. And because you try so hard, you have no idea what the other truly needs or wants. Remy doesn’t need a teacher, he just needs a brother to rely on.

In a way, you are all trying way too hard to keep the status quo.

But what is the status quo? It’s still the fight or flight response all three of you have from your abusive upbringing. It just shows differently.”

I stare at him. Sean is controlled to the extent that he barely shows his emotions, because he is scared of reminding us of Dad.

I am an overachiever and try to push Remy because I know how smart he is, and I don’t want him to think he is a failure.

And Remy doesn’t talk at all, as if he feels he takes too much space when he does.

I get this uncomfortable, queasy feeling in my stomach whenever I think about how our past shaped us. “It’s as if our father is still with us,” I say.

Ayden looks seriously sad. “I am so sorry,” he mutters. “I never meant to make this so upsetting for you.”

“No,” I say. “That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

Dad died but never went away. His presence still lingers with us, his shadow follows every step we take, and all we have done since he passed is try to survive, instead of trying to heal.

“How can I turn this around?” I ask. “Sean is one issue. His position makes him hold onto his sanity, but at the same time, he is awfully stoic. As for Remy, I have the feeling he is slipping away.”

“Take tiny steps,” Ayden suggests. “I would just work on your communication with him.”

“But how?”

“Say what you want to say,” he suggests.

“Not what you think Sean or Remy want to hear, and not what you would have said if your father was looming over your shoulder. You are always striving for perfection, but sometimes it’s enough just to try.

” He pauses. “When you spotted us in the coffee shop, what was it you honestly wanted to say? What did you feel?”

“I was happy to see Remy,” I say promptly. “Even happier that he had spent the whole night out with his friends.”

“Why did you bombard him with irrelevant questions then?” Ayden asks.

“Sometimes,” I admit. “I try to fill the silence, and don’t know how else to do it.”

“You could have just said how happy you were to stumble across him, and then asked us if we had fun. Instead, you made it sound like you were questioning his choices. Also, you never make yourself vulnerable that way. If Remy sees that you are an actual person with sorrows and dreams, and realizes you are genuinely curious about his life, he will react much differently. He isn’t vulnerable with you, because neither of you is with him. ”

“I feel like if I do that, he will know I am just boring and silly.” And utterly broken, but I don’t say that last part out loud.

“So what? Is that bad? You get along with Eve of all people, and Eve is extremely picky with his friends. This should tell you that people do like you, if you let your walls down.”

I frown before taking my notebook and writing down his advice. “This is actually good advice,” I mutter thoughtfully before gesturing at the waitress. “Please, bring that man a second burger.”

Ayden blinks. “How do you think I am going to eat that?”

“You need it, you are young and need energy.”

“What for?”

“Studying, training,” I offer. “Or maybe sex.”

Ayden blinks again, then he snorts. “See, you can actually be funny?”

A couple of hours later, after wrapping up a business meeting and then meeting Eve, after having ditched him on Monday, I make my way back to the pack.

I wonder when it will feel lighter to return to it.

The whole place is still clouded by dark memories that don’t seem to go away.

It’s even worse with the packhouse. With every step, I can feel my chest getting squeezed, almost as if all the air leaves my lungs.

I use the side entrance as usual to avoid the many pack members who are buzzing around the packhouse. It seems like they were able to move on from the terrible reign of my father. I am glad about that. At least it shows a bit of change.

To my surprise, I almost stumble into Remy, who is standing right behind the door, eyeing the side entrance. “Remy,” I say.

Remy turns to look at me, and I can almost see the walls around him moving up again.

This time, however, I don’t try to rattle them like I usually do; I don’t try to make conversation and fill the silence.

Ayden told me that Remy will only open up if I do, too.

He will only see me as a person if I show him I am one.

I just stand next to him for a while, staring at the same staircase and wondering if Remy feels the same dread of it as I do.

“Isn’t weird,” I hear myself say. “It’s been two years, but it’s still the same feeling.”

Remy flashes me a look I don’t quite understand, but nods. “Yes,” he says quietly.

“As if he's still around,” I mutter.

Again he looks at me, this time, clearly surprised. “I’m hungry,” I say. “Sucks that I missed dinner here, but maybe the kitchen still has something for us. You want to join me?”

That way, we don’t need to go upstairs yet.

Remy nods his agreement and follows me, and I hope he does it of his own free will, not because I asked him.

Of course, the kitchen has something for us, as they always do for the alpha family.

I make sure to tell them that we are happy with the leftovers, and soon Remy and I sit all alone in an empty dining hall with chicken, rice and some salad.

The silence feels pressuring, making me battle against the urge to fill it by asking questions.

About his classes, college, his friends, schedules, everything.

But this time I fight against it and hold back.

I don’t give a shit about his college classes or schedule, I don’t care.

He has proven he can handle these things on his own, and he is an adult.

“The Wagner family,” he finally breaks the silence himself, “Katalina and her brothers are truly special.”

“They are,” I say. “People easily judge them and underestimate them, but they are in for a surprise. Eve is the best example of it.”

“How did you get to know him?”

Evander and I actually met during college.

Well, I was visiting classes, and he was jobbing there as part of the cleaning staff.

Since I was never particularly good with my peers, I used to hang out in the tiny garden area at the back of campus, where no one ever went.

I studied there and just enjoyed my peace.

Well, no one used to be there aside from Eve, who used his breaks to draw.

I battle the uncomfortable feeling creeping up in my throat, at having to admit that I was quite the loner growing up, and remember Ayden’s advice again. So, instead of giving a wishy-washy answer, I just tell Remy how Eve and I met.

Remy seems to be intrigued. “Isn’t it funny,” he says. “How they are with people? And that Eve kind of picked you up, Kata did it with me, and—”

“—and Alpha Joel with Sean.” I snort. “The last one is the funniest. No idea how those two became friends. The most unlikely combination in history.”

“Right?” Remy chuckles.

When we finally have the courage to return to the Alpha Suite, I wish him a good night and go to my office, deciding to get some work done.

Before I do that, it strikes me that for the first time in years, I had an actual conversation with my younger brother.

Maybe it was awkward, but it felt much better than any talk we’d had before.

Baby steps, at last.