Page 18 of My Broken Mate (Healing Bonds #1)

Chapter eleven

Pitch-Black

*REMY*

M y outing with Lyle distracted me for a while, but once back home, I feel even emptier now than I did before, leading to yet another restless night.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why can’t I fucking sleep for one fucking night?

Just let me sleep, for once. Please, Goddess, let me sleep!

I just want to sleep for one night, just let my mind rest once.

I press my hands against my eyes in an attempt to make it even darker around me.

I try every advice I have dug up during the last couple of months when I researched insomnia.

All the tricks, from sleep noise—sounds that are supposed to be relaxing—to distracting my mind by trying to find random fruits with each letter of the alphabet.

I have envisioned my thoughts as a trail of a river, I have tried meditation, I have drunk milk, and I even tried getting up and walking around to tire myself out again.

But nothing helps. I just wish someone would knock me out for real.

Just hit me unconscious and make me fucking sleep!

My growing frustration just makes it even more difficult to find rest.

For a split second, I can see Kata’s face in front of me. She is smiling, and I faintly remember her scent. She smelled nice. It’s not something I notice usually, but she—

What am I even thinking about?

I kick my blanket away and get up. Why did Kata slip into my mind now?

Well, I bet she never has problems sleeping.

She probably doesn’t have many problems at all with her loving family and her outgoing personality.

She is kind. People like her. Fun. That’s how Lyle said it.

Who even cares? People like her are fake anyway.

Why should I even mind what she is doing or who she is? It’s better not to get to know her.

Since I am now very much awake, there is no way to return to bed.

My mind still feels drowsy, so instead I decide to go to the kitchen and grab some water.

Maybe walking around will tire me out, as the last podcast concerning insomnia suggested.

I doubt it, but I have no better ideas. All my studying and good grades, and I can't even find a way to sleep better. That’s pathetic!

I sneak to the kitchen not to wake up either of my brothers. The last thing I need is to alert them. If only the weeks of restless sleep or no sleep at all wouldn’t start showing in the way my reflexes are getting slower, and I sometimes feel like I’m walking on cotton.

Or that everything around me is dimmed.

All my concentration goes to not slurring my words and to staying focused when I am in my college classes. It’s exhausting.

A loud noise right next to me startles me.

I almost hit my head against the open cupboard door.

It takes minutes for me to realize what just happened.

Right in front of me are the shards of the glass I was about to take from the cupboard.

I was so lost in my thoughts, so dizzy, that I didn’t even notice what I was doing.

Was that me? Did I just drop the glass? Why did I not notice? Seriously, I know I am tired, but it’s almost like I wasn’t even there the last couple of minutes. I glance at the kitchen clock, noticing it’s not been minutes but probably half an hour.

Goddess, I am going insane.

Kneeling down, I gather the shards, startled by a sharp pain against my palm.

It takes me a while to process what just happened.

Only when I see the scarlet drips falling onto the floor do I realize I accidentally cut myself.

Instead of freaking out, however, I feel a weird sense of calm.

I am not going insane. This feels real. I am real.

I tighten my grip on the shard in my hand, trying to feel the pain for a little longer. I want to keep my mind focused. It just seems to help.

“Remy?”

I startle, basically jumping up and hitting my elbow against the counter.

“Goddess,” Gabe blurts out. “Sorry for startling you! Are you okay?” He gazes at me. “Oh, damn! You are hurt! What happened?”

“I wanted to grab a glass of water, and dropped it,” I admit, deciding for as much of the truth as possible. Gabriel isn’t stupid and he would look through a lie now. “I guess I was still sleepy,” I add.

“So that’s the noise I heard,” Gabe says, grabbing a towel to help me clean up.

“You were still up?”

“Yes, I was working.”

Awkward silence engulfs us like always when it’s just the two of us.

“I will get the doctor immediately,” he says.

It takes a moment for me to understand what he is talking about. Cold dread fills me. “That’s not necessary. It’s just a small cut!”

“It doesn’t look small.” Gabriel stands up and takes a step towards me. “Let me see.”

I flinch back before I can even check my own reaction. Gabriel stops instantly.

“I didn’t mean… I won’t hurt you,” he says quietly.

“I know,” I say, trying to finally get the whirlwind of my thoughts and emotions in check. “I am just jumpy.”

“Didn’t sleep well?” Gabe inquires.

“The upcoming exams are on my mind,” I tell him.

“As usual.” If there is one thing I know that will always get Gabriel off my case, it is mentioning anything school or work-related.

He lives for both of these things. I know he was an ace at college, and loved it, and he is the same at work.

Beta Levi claims he is a workaholic, and maybe he is, but he also seems to have fun with it.

Unlike me.

“Oh, right, I almost forgot about that! You are prepared well, aren’t you?”

“I studied as much as I could,” I mutter.

“Then there is nothing to worry about. And about your hand—”

“It really looks worse than it is,” I say, smiling and wrapping a towel around it. “Don’t worry.”

The last thing I need is for the ruckus here to be loud enough to startle Sean. I can lie to Gabe easily, but Sean can look through everyone, it seems.

My strategy works because it looks like I just got Gabe off my ass. “Make sure to go to bed and get some sleep,” he tells me. “You have a long day tomorrow, don’t you? I remember something about a group project and a presentation.”

How? How can he remember my schedule so well? It just feels like every step I take is always being controlled and watched. It feels as if I don’t have one moment of peace.

“And Katalina,” I hear myself say, not sure why I suddenly think of her. “I am tutoring her tomorrow.”

“Ah, is that so? That’s good.”

When I walk back to my room, I am surprised at myself.

Usually, the last part of my conversation with Gabe would have ticked me off.

He has some serious control issues and has always inserted himself way too much in my studies, even back in high school.

Normally, I would have spoken or reacted in a way that showed how annoyed I was.

But instead of getting frustrated, my mind went to Kata and the smiley-faced cookies she had prepared for me the last time. I wish I could have eaten them.

Despite her whole attitude and actions being such an enigma to me, mentioning her now gave me a moment of calm. It bought me enough time to get out of the conversation skillfully and retreat to my room without any further discussion with Gabriel.

In the early morning hours, I feel safe enough to leave my room again without it attracting too many questions. 5 a.m. is early, but not too early to have anyone on my case. Not surprisingly, I find Sean in the kitchen.

“You are up already?” He looks at me, his lips curling into the hint of a smile. He barely smiles, and I can’t remember him ever laughing, but Gabe and I know the difference between his straight business face and when he is in a good mood.

“Yes, I wanted to get some schoolwork done before heading out for my group project,” I say. “What about you?”

“I have an early business meeting with Alpha Joel and his beta,” he says.

I could be wrong, but it almost sounds like he is looking forward to the meeting.

Business meetings usually don’t make him sound that motivated.

Sean pours us both a cup of coffee before sitting down at the huge mahogany table, the centerpiece of our dining room.

I want nothing but to get out of here, but at the same time, it feels so impolite to just leave after he has handed me the cup of coffee, indicating he wants to have breakfast with me.

“Should I make us some scrambled eggs?” I ask, hoping he will say yes. Cooking just puts my mind at ease.

“That would be lovely.”

Relieved, I start to put something together for us, using the leftover salmon from yesterday to make scrambled eggs with, plus baking up the fresh bread we got yesterday. “It's nothing special,” I say, when I bring him a plate and sit down at the other side of the table.

“You say that, but it looks amazing,” Sean says. He looks at me thoughtfully. “What happened to your hand?”

“Oh.” I take a look at my hand as if I forgot about it.

I wrapped it up neatly because now that Gabe knows, I can’t hide it anymore.

So, I decided to play cool and just act as if it was that silly accident and nothing major happened.

“Cut my hand yesterday. I wanted something to drink at night, and the glass slipped. Guess I was too tired.”

“Do you need it to get checked?”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just a small cut,” I say. “Just enough to draw a bit of blood.”

There is a thoughtful expression on Sean’s face, and I almost fear he will look through me, but to my surprise, there is a sudden somber look in his eyes. “Glass shards will do that to you,” he says quietly.

When I look at him, confused, he shakes his head. “Just a distant memory,” he says, evasively enough for me not to enquire deeper.

We spend the remainder of our breakfast mostly in silence, just with a little small talk, until Sean gets up. “I apologize. I have to leave for work.”

I nod. “Take care.”

“Oh, before I forget.” He hands me a folder. “I had a meeting with Gabriel and Alexander yesterday. These are the funds for donations we are considering, both within the pack and also state-wide. Take a look at it and tell me what you think. Oh, and we left some spots empty for you to decide.”

“Wait a moment!” I can’t help but stare at him. “You want to hear my opinion on this?”

“Yes, of course, or I wouldn’t have asked.”

“And I can add my own projects?”

“The last time Gabriel and I discussed this, our fath—his death just happened, and everything was a mess. We are much more organized now. You are of age, and I would like you to get involved more, if that’s what you want, too.”

“It’s what I want,” I say with emphasis.

For the first time in ages, I actually feel a spur of motivation.

I am certainly not useful as a wolf, but this here…

I can do the research. I am good at that.

And Sean even allows me to add my own creativity to it and come up with my own ideas.

“I will make sure to read it properly and add my own ideas,” I promise.

Sean shows me one of his rare smiles. “Good,” he says.

I watch him leave before grabbing the folder again. I don’t want to look too desperate in front of him, but he truly just made my day. I will give this a proper look tonight when I am back home. For now, I have to head to my group project, and then later meet Kata.