Page 70

I chuckle because he takes another sip immediately after.

“Yeah, about the appointment,” I say, taking a large gulp of my wine.

My palms are sweaty but I have to do this. I have to tell him. And then I have to say the thing that terrifies me the most. Because what I’m about to ask him could completely backfire and ruin everything.

I don’t think it will, but… it could.

His eyebrows furrow and he looks concerned. “Shit, was it bad?”

I shake my head, licking my lips.

Take a breath, Alex. You got this.

“No, it was, uh… it was—” I clear my throat, glancing up at him. “It was good,” I say carefully. “Like, really good.”

He sets his wine glass down, his expression serious.

“How good?”

I fight to keep my gaze trained on him. I let out a heavy breath.

“All clear,” I say shakily.

“All clear?” he asks, his voice kicking up a notch.

“All clear,” I whisper, my anxiety kicking in.

“All clear!” he shouts, the excitement lighting up his face, and I feel the tears prickling my eyes.

I nod, feeling more than overwhelmed.

“All clear,” I say through choked sobs as he grabs me and hugs me.

“Alex, that’s so fucking amazing!” he says as he holds me tight.

I wrap my arms around him, closing my eyes as I breathe him in. His body is warm against mine, and I feel like there’s no place I’d rather be.

I need to tell him the truth. I need to ask…

I nod, wiping my tears from my eyes, but he stops me to do it instead.

“Congratulations,” he says, and then I see the reality hit him.

His smile falters for a moment and then he utters, “So this means…”

“I have to go home,” I say, my voice full of apprehension. Of fear. Because what I say next is going to make or break everything.

His hand on my arm is warm and I settle mine over top of his. I squeeze, seeking the friction.

It’s now or never, Alex.

“I want you to come with me,” I say carefully. The words are as delicate as the ice I live on.

It takes him a moment to process my words.

He looks at me with uncertainty in his eyes .

“You want me —” He clears his throat. “To… come with you.”

There’s a tense silence.

“To Pennsylvania?” he then asks.

I nod. “Well, that’s where I live, so… yes.”

“But I live here…”

“I know,” I say, biting my lip. I don’t think he understands what I’m asking.

“I want you to move with me, Jordan. To Pennsylvania.”

I feel like I might pass out from the silence that forms between us.

It feels like forever before he speaks.

“I can’t move to Pennsylvania,” he says firmly, but sounds slightly unsure. “I can’t upend my life here, Alex. I have a job. I—”

I close my eyes as my breath catches in my throat and my heart stops beating. The vicious voice returns, rearing his ugly tone.

No. No… no… no…

“Why not?” I ask, anxiety swelling within me. I force my eyes shut as I try to push back the storm I know is coming.

Hope has been driving me for too long that I’ve forgotten what the wicked voice sounds like .

It’s sharp. Brutal.

“Alex…” He breathes my name like a prayer, and I hear the pain in it.

“Why can’t you come with me?” I lean into his space, settling my hands on his hips, pulling him towards me.

“I just can’t.” His voice is heavy.

“If you’re worried about your job, I can take care of you,” I say. “Until you find something, or—”

He shakes his head and looks away from me.

“Or, what? You want me to be your Puck Bunny and travel to all your games, too? Follow you around like a dog?” The bitterness in his voice cuts me to my core.

“It’s not like that,” I say defensively. “Of course, I’d want you there, I’d want you everywhere. Everywhere I am, I want you to be.”

I want you, Jordan Mackenzie. I want to be yours forever because you’re my forever.

“No,” he grits out.

“No?” I repeat the word, its vile taste in my mouth poisoning my heart.

“I can’t,” he says firmly, pulling away from me.

And that’s the moment my heart shatters.

No. He doesn’t want to come with me. He doesn’t want me.

I close my eyes, feeling numb as my walls come back up.

Walls I forgot existed because I took them down for him. I let him in .

And now…

“Can’t… or won't?” I ask, opening my eyes.

“Don’t be like that, Alex. Don’t put this all on me.”

I stand abruptly, needing to move. If I sit here, I’ll only want to touch him. I’ll only want to throw myself into his arms. I walk into the kitchen just as the timer goes off for the pasta.

“Alex!” he calls out, standing up so fast the sofa scoots across the floor.

I don’t answer him. I casually take out the pasta, fighting back tears.

“Alex, look at me,” he demands.

I carefully plate up one bowl of pasta.

Just one.

I say nothing as I set it on the counter and push it towards him.

“Stop fucking ignoring me, Alex!” The anger in his voice is unmistakable now.

Every part of me feels like it’s crumbling. My body is hot, my heart is loud, and all I want to do is scream, “I love you, I want this life with you! Why is it so hard for you to accept that?”

But that’s not what I say. Not by a long shot. No, instead, I hide behind my wall, behind my armor, trying to protect what’s left of my breaking heart .

“I’m not going to beg you to come with me,” I say solidly. “I know I’m worth it.” I grab my keys and head out the door.

“Alex!” he calls my name, but I can’t turn around. The sob that threatens to escape is too much. If I look at him, I will lose it. I will crumble.

“Alex!” he shouts again, this time so loud the windows rattle.

I shake my head as I head towards my car. Dark clouds move over, and it begins to rain. I open my car door as he runs down the steps, but he doesn’t make it further than the bottom step. I look at him through the window, catching his pained expression. I hate it, but I don’t go to him.

I guess I really am the asshole everyone thinks I am.

I hold his gaze for one second, wishing, hoping that he’ll step forward off that ledge and run up to my car.

That he’ll realize I’m worth it, too.

That this life, what we have together, is worth it. That together we can do anything.

But he doesn’t move from that ledge, and I guess I have my answer.

I start the car and head down the road. The last thing I see in my rearview mirror is Jordan Mackenzie still standing on that last step.

I force myself to look away.

So this is how it ends .

I think somewhere, I always knew this was how it would end. I can never be truly happy. I know that now. Because my happiness will always be in Ashbourne.

Always.

My phone goes off ten minutes later. “Everywhere.”

I silence it and continue to drive. It goes off again. And again.

The wistful, charming chimes and upbeat oooh ahhs are the most brutal sound I’ve ever heard.

Hearing those sharp words cuts me to my soul.

I shut my phone off after an hour of hearing it. I can’t pick it up, I can’t hear his pained voice telling me he’s sorry. Telling me he can’t .

I head home to pack my things. There’s no use in staying here, when he’s everywhere.

I need to rip this band aid off. I need to run.

This is what I was always afraid of. Letting someone in. Falling in love for real.

Giving up my heart to someone only for them to break it.

I cry like a baby as I pack my duffel. I sob until my ribs hurt, and then I cry some more.

He doesn’t want me.

He doesn’t want the things I want.

This hurts worse than when Vance broke my knee.

I rip open my dresser drawer to grab my clothes and realize I opened the wrong drawer .

His sweats and flannel shirts stare at me and I grab them. I tear them, throwing them across the room as I fall to the floor, one flannel in my hand, gripping it as I cry. I cry into his shirt like a damn idiot.

I’m so fucking stupid.

I throw his flannel into my duffel because I’m a glutton for punishment, apparently.

I lock the house up, toss my duffel in the car and don’t think twice about heading straight to Pennsylvania.

I drive all night, blasting the angriest music I can play. It doesn’t help, but it’s better than silence.

When I get home to my condo, I collapse on the couch. The cushions aren’t as soft as his and I hate that. The air here is cold, stale. Everything is wrong, but it’s all I have.

I close my eyes and let sleep take me under.

Welcome home, Alex.