Page 52

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Jordan

My brain is constantly going. I feel like it never shuts off. It’s always thinking about this and worrying about that. But as Alex walks away from me, all casual but cocky, my mind is quiet.

My heart is pounding, my skin covered in sweat.

That was by far the best orgasm I’ve ever had.

And I’m pretty sure I’ve said that every damn time my dick has been in his mouth.

How is it possible?

Sex and orgasms have always been a weird thing for me. Sometimes I do it because my body is just going through the motions. Sometimes I really want to do it but the result is less than exciting. People rant and rave about how amazing sex is, but I’ve never felt that .

Not unless it’s with Alex. And I’m still confused as hell about whether it’s him or the fact he’s a guy.

I haven’t done anything with another guy—ever. And there are only a handful of girls I’ve had sex with. I can count on two hands how many times I’ve actually had sex in my life.

The guys think I’ve slept around, and I let them think it. It’s easier than trying to explain what I’m actually feeling.

If this can feel so good with Alex, I can only imagine what more feels like. I’m not sure what more means, but I want to figure it out. It terrifies me, I just can’t quite pinpoint why.

The echo of the screen door reaches the back yard, snapping me from my thoughts and my feet start moving.

The only way I’m going to figure anything out is if I do it. I have to try. And if I don’t like it, then I don’t like it. Alex said he’d be willing to try this with me, to help me figure it out. Hopefully he understands what that fully means.

I make my way into the house and find Alex in the kitchen. The door closing has him turning to look at me, paintbrush in hand.

The light from the window is that golden sort of bright light that makes everything in its path hazy and faded.

It shines across the room, slivers and slats lighting up the smudges of bright red paint on his arms and chest. His dark hair is still mussed from where I’d grabbed him.

Alex has always been attractive in and out of his uniform, but seeing him like this…

Paint-splattered jeans that hug his ass perfectly, paint smears all over him with those big, wide green eyes…

“You okay?” he asks, breaking my staring spell.

I shake my head, walking toward him. I grab the paintbrush and drop it into the bucket, causing it to splash. He’s going to be pissed about that later, but I couldn’t care less.

“Jordan—”

I grip his face and smash my lips to his, walking him backwards until he hits the counter. He lets out a groan, kissing me back. He’s hard against my thigh, and I’m not sure if he’s been like this since he walked away from me outside.

Was he just going to wait for it to go away? Go take care of it in the bathroom? Why didn’t he ask me to do it for him?

“I want to know what it’s like,” I whisper against his lips.

“What what’s like?” he asks, eyes wide.

I drop a hand from his face and grab his dick, squeezing it before I can think too much about it.

I’m touching another man’s dick. No, not just another man’s dick. I’m touching Alex’s dick. Again .

I don’t hate it, and It doesn’t feel weird. When it throbs against my palm, my stomach does a flip.

I know that feeling. I like that feeling. And to know that I make Alex feel that…

His lips part, and I’m not sure he’s breathing. Obviously, he wasn’t expecting this to happen.

“I may hate this,” I tell him.

The last time I did this, we were drinking and he was having some sort of meltdown.

There is no alcohol involved this time, no one’s freaking out, and so I feel like it’s the first time all over again.

I have a clear head, and I know exactly what I’m doing, making this much different from the other time.

“I’m willing to take the chance,” he adds quickly.

“I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“I will gladly fucking teach you.”

I drop my hand and unbutton his jeans, shove them down with his briefs, and grip his dick. He’s hard and warm.

A choked sound leaves his perfect lips and I lean in again, kissing the side of his mouth, then his jaw. I make my way to his neck, trying to distract myself, but also him, in case I completely suck at this.

I stroke his dick, getting used to the feel of him.

I don’t know if I’m doing this right because I can’t feel it.

I don’t know what he feels, but I guess it’s the same with girls, right?

I’ve eaten pussy a couple of times. Fingered girls.

You listen to and watch for the cues and go from there.

So I try my best to study Alex and his expression, his body language. His cues.

I’m going to assume Alex’s moans and him thrusting into my hand is a good thing.

“Jordan,” he breathes out. “Fuck, that feels good.”

I grunt out a sound of approval, moving to the other side of his neck and stepping impossibly closer to him, while still managing room to jerk him off. I swipe my finger along the head of his dick, gathering the precum and spreading it along his length to use for lube.

I am not ready to put his dick in my mouth, but this… I like this.

I like the way his body trembles, I like the sounds he’s making, and I really like the way his dick feels. Hard, yet soft and smooth. Wet and sticky against my palm.

It’s only now I realize I’m hard again too, and I groan.

That has never happened to me before. Nothing has ever turned me on that much…

“Is this okay?” I ask.

I know it is, in my head, I just want to hear him say it.

“So fucking okay,” he says breathlessly.

I bite his neck, causing him to yelp, which quickly turns into a groan.

“Fuck, Jordan!”

“You like that?”

“Yes,” he cries out.

So I do it again.

His moan is the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard, and I jerk him off faster, going along with the motion of his hips.

“You’re going to make me come,” he says.

“I was hoping for that,” I say, bringing my lips back to his.

His hands move over my chest, sliding up until they find my shoulders and he sinks his fingernails into me like he never wants to let go.

I don’t want this to stop, I love seeing him like this, love knowing I make him like this, but I’m afraid if I stop, I’ll fuck it all up.

His hands slide down my chest and come to my side, digging into my hips. He grits his teeth, head falling back as he lets out a raspy moan. “I’m coming.”

I lean back just a little and look between us, watching as his dick erupts. I can’t pull my eyes away, watching my hand bring him to orgasm. Watching his cum splatter all over my jeans and stomach. It’s warm and hot… and so fucking sexy because it’s his and not mine.

I’m sober, not a single bit of alcohol in my system, and I really fucking liked that.

I step away from him, and his face goes from euphoria to devastation. It takes only a second for me to realize why.

“I’m not running,” I say.

The relief that floods his face makes me feel awful.

What has he been through in his life? Fuck.

I move toward him again, using my clean hand to cup his cheek. He stares into my eyes and I see the slightest bit of panic.

“I am not running,” I say again. “I don’t know what’s going to happen here, but I am trying really fucking hard to be honest and open with you.”

“You’re doing good,” he chokes out.

I smile. “Thanks.”

I kiss him again, and not a single part of me feels like it’s weird. Not kissing him. Not having just made him come. Not having his cum all over me. This all feels… good.

When I step away from him this time, I keep my gaze on his.

“I need to shower.”

He nods as he fixes himself, then looks down at the paint all over the floor and frowns. I hurry into the bathroom before he can yell at me about it.

By the time I’m done with my shower, I’m still feeling okay with what happened. Actually, I’m feeling better than okay with what happened. So when I get back to the kitchen, finding Alex painting my kitchen cabinets like he’s a fucking pro, I lean against the wall and watch him.

I’m not sure if he knows I’m here, but if he does, he’s doing a good job of hiding it. I take the time to look him over, watch the way the muscles in his back shift as he swipes the brush up and down. Take in his lean waist and the curve of his ass.

I can imagine him bent over my counter, right there, naked.

Imagining that has my dick twitching, and I think that’s a good sign.

If thinking about fucking Alex makes my dick happy, then that means I can fuck him.

Too many times in my life I’ve tried having sex with people and it just didn’t work.

My body didn’t want any part of it. Am I willing to risk that again?

The embarrassment of it all? I guess I could.

This is Alex. I trust him. And if anyone can help me figure this shit out, it’s him.

But I also need to remember Maggie.

I’ve been waiting all this time for her to end things with me because it’s what I deserve.

And now… I really fucking deserve it because I’m cheating on her.

Which is so fucking shitty because she’s given me so many chances.

I need to let her go. She needs to move on and find better things.

Someone who is going to treat her right.

If I’m being honest with myself, which I am really trying to do right now, the sex thing is one of the reasons I’ve stayed with Maggie.

She’s fine that we just don’t. We had sex twice, at the very beginning of our relationship.

Then we had a conversation about slowing things down, and then things fell into how they are now.

I know it’s not typical, from what I hear from other people, but it’s how things are for us.

But I don’t want things to be that way. I want to have sex and enjoy it because orgasms are fucking awesome.

“Alex,” I say softly.

The way he pauses and slowly turns his head to look at me over his shoulder, I know he’s known I’ve been here.

“I think I want to fuck you,” I add. His eyebrows shoot up and the clatter of the paintbrush falling to the floor makes me smirk because I’ve finally found the words that render Alex Brewer speechless. “I mean, I think I’m ready to try that. Like… taking the next step?”

It takes him a moment to clear his throat as he slowly bends down to grab the brush and toss it in the tray. More red paint on the floor… he’s going to be so mad at me over this.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that, but…” He shakes his head in disbelief, but his gaze meets mine and he smirks.

“I’m not going to say no to that.” He laughs, but then his voice gets serious.

“I mean, it’s not like I haven’t thought about it.

” His gaze catches mine and he smirks. ”Plenty of times.

” Then he blurts out, “No red flags you need to worry about, by the way. If you want, I can show you my test results and shit, but, uh—” He runs a hand through his hair.

“We’re good. It’s good,” I say, holding up my hand. “I’ve, uh… never had sex with someone without protection, so we don’t have to worry ab out that.” His brows shoot up again, but he quickly schools his face. “And I trust you,” I add.

Alex holds my gaze, not saying a word and I’m starting to feel a little awkward.

“Great chat,” I say quickly and hurry toward the door. I swear I hear him laughing as I step onto the porch, the door slamming shut behind me.