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Chapter Forty-Nine

Jordan

I’m never going to be happy until I stop holding myself back.

Things with Alex are going great. We’re basically living together again, only this time we’re at his house instead of mine.

I don’t hate it. It’s like a nice little vacation, though I do miss my couch and my TV.

His is nice, but mine is better, just saying.

Alex and I should probably talk about what we’re doing.

I think we both suck at that because it isn’t happening.

We both seem to need a beating to get any information out of us.

We don’t share for the hell of it, and that could cause a lot of problems. But things are good and talking may fuck it all up.

I don’t want to fuck it up. I like this the way it is.

Only… I’m holding myself back. Well, I’m holding us back, I guess.

It’s been a week since Alex told me loved me.

He hasn’t said it again, but I can tell he wants to.

If I’m being honest, I knew for a long time that it’s how he felt.

Some part of me always hoped he would say it because I wanted to know what it felt like.

To be loved by Alex, someone who seems to not love anyone but himself.

I guess I also wanted to know what it would be like to be loved by a guy and if it would freak me out.

It didn’t and it still doesn’t. Which is a relief.

But that’s what brings me to the next thing. Something I haven’t been able to stop thinking about since I had his dick in my mouth, which is still kind of weird for me to think about. I liked it more than I thought I would, which is why I keep wondering about more.

Sex has been great. Amazing. My mind is blown each time we fuck because I have been missing out for years. But I’m holding back with that too. I’ve thought of doing things we haven’t done yet, but I’m scared. And though I know I could tell Alex and I won’t feel weird about it, I just… don’t.

I want to try everything with him. Sexual or otherwise.

We’re an unlikely pair, but things just seem to work for us.

Which is why I’m so scared of changing anything.

What if we try more and I hate it? What if I can’t look at him the same after?

What if I tell him I love him and he doesn’t like it?

So many things could go wrong. We’re safe right now.

But I know better than most that it only lasts a short while.

Things won’t stay good forever if they stay like this.

We can’t be stagnant; we have to move forward.

After work, I stop home to grab fresh clothes. I shove as much as I can into an old duffel bag, hoping I won’t have to stop here again for another week or two. It’s not that I hate my house, I just hate time taken from being with Alex.

When I finally get to his house, I find him plating up pizza that looks homemade. I’m so hungry I don’t even care that there’s lettuce on top of it.

“Fuck yes,” I say with a chuckle, dropping my bag to the floor and meeting him at the table. “I’m starving.”

“You’re always hungry when you get home, so…” He shrugs, taking a seat.

I do the same and scarf down my pizza. We eat the entire thing. When we’re done, we get our ice cream and go to the couch. This has been our routine since I’ve been here.

“You’re going to make me fat,” I complain as we sit on the couch.

“Guess we’ll have to do some extra time in the gym.”

“Oh, so that’s how it is.” He raises a brow. “You’re giving me a reason to go so you can go, too.” Alex smirks, digging his spoon into his ice cream. “Not going to work, Brewer. You still need to take it easy.”

He rolls his eyes and grabs the remote to look for a movie. When he picks, it’s always some stupid romance movie… that I end up not hating as much as I think I will. So I don’t fight him for control of the TV tonight even though there is a game I want to watch.

For a hockey player, he sure seems to have no interest in watching sports. Though I’m wondering if maybe it has to do with the fact he’s not playing. Maybe he just doesn’t want to see that asshole’s face again.

We get through the entire movie without falling asleep, which is a first. One of us always falls asleep. For me, my nerves are going all haywire. For him? I can’t be sure.

“You tired?” he asks when the screen switches to suggestions for something else we may like.

“Yes.”

I’m not, I just want to get him to bed. Because if I don’t do this now, I may never do it at all. If I keep putting it off, we won’t go anywhere.

Everything I’ve done with Alex so far has been amazing. I warned him I would need to figure things out and take things slow, and that’s what I’m trying to do. We got over the hump of Maggie, which was so shitty on my part, but it should be smooth sailing for now.

I have a checklist of things in my head that I want to do with him.

Not because it’s what I’m supposed to do, but because there is an end goal.

I want a life with Alex. And to get there, I have to do some things that are going to be uncomfortable.

But if I can get through them all, which I think I can with Alex by my side, I think we could be a forever thing.

Maybe I should tell him this. Let him know how serious I’m taking things, but that conversation isn’t so easy. Yes, he’s told me he loves me, but that doesn’t mean he wants all the same shit I do. One step at a time.

“Let’s go to bed then,” he says with a smile.

Yes, let’s.

It’s been hard not to blurt out that I love him, too. I see it in his eyes, and I want him to know I feel the same way. Tonight, it’s what I’m going to do. Along with something else that I am absolutely terrified of. Maybe it’s the scariest thing on my list.

Okay, maybe coming out to everyone else is the scariest thing, but this is next for sure.

“Okay.”

I get up and move toward the bedroom. Once inside, I pull my shirt off and drop it into the empty hamper he keeps in the corner. It wasn’t empty this morning, meaning he did laundry today.

“I freed up a drawer for you,” he says from behind me.

I turn to face him. “You did?”

“Yeah.” he smiles. “Two, actually, because your clothes are bigger than mine and take up a lot of space. ”

I chuckle as he walks over to his dresser and points to the middle two drawers.

“Thanks,” I say as I walk to him, putting my hand on his hip and leaning down to kiss him.

“Welcome,” he hums.

I finish getting undressed, and all the while Alex stands there watching me. When my pants are tossed away, I find his gaze on my dick. It’s hard and I can’t even help it when I’m around him. It used to be a problem to get hard, now it’s a problem to not be hard.

He unashamedly checks me out, slowly bringing his eyes up my body until he stops on my mouth.

I swallow hard, feeling vulnerable. No one has ever looked at me this way, and though it’s slightly uncomfortable, I love being under his gaze.

I love catching his attention. I love knowing that all this time, I’ve meant more to him than I’ve known.

After all these years… after everything he’s done and gone through, it’s just been me?

That’s a crazy thought, but if I’m being honest, it’s been the same with him.

He’s the one I’ve always thought about. The one person who’s never left my mind.

Even all those years he was gone, as hurt and miserable as I was, he was still on my mind.

He’s never left my thoughts, and to know it’s been the same for him… it’s relieving in the best sort of way.

“Are you going to keep your clothes on?” I ask with a smirk .

A smile slowly creeps along his lips, and his eyes dart to mine. “Just enjoying the view.”

I hold my arms out wide. “Enjoy as much as you want, but get naked, too.”

“Your wish is my command.”

I sit on the edge of the bed as I watch him take his clothes off.

When he’s done, I hold my arm out for him to come to me. He leans down, kissing me, and I pull him to straddle my lap. His dick is hard against mine, and he slowly thrusts against me as his tongue slides against mine, kissing me with purpose and meaning.

I grab his ass, squeezing and pulling him against me, loving everything about him. His warm, solid body. The way he touches me. The sounds he makes. His mouth moves to my throat, kissing and sucking the side of my neck. I moan, gripping his ass harder.

“Fuck, Alex…”

He smiles against my neck, licking along to the other side.

“Love when you say my name.”

“You know what I love?” The words come out raspy. I didn’t intend to say them, but now that I’m here...

“What?” I hear the smile in his voice.

“Alex,” I say again, this time more seriously.

“Hm?” He keeps sucking on my neck, and I lean back a little, gripping his face to make him look at me .

“You,” I say firmly. His brow furrows, as if he’s confused. “I love you , Alex.”

His eyes widen and he sucks in a sharp breath. “Fuck, you’re serious?”

I nod. “Extremely.”

We stare at each other for a moment before he grins, his green eyes lighting up and he lunges for me, kissing me harder than he’s ever kissed me before. I lie back on the bed, and he comes down with me, still thrusting against me, kissing me everywhere his mouth can reach.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” Alex whispers. “I love you so much, Jordan. Fuck, so goddamn much.”

I huff out a laugh, sliding my hands around his back so I can kiss his neck. “I love you, too.”

He groans, shaking his head. “This is a dream.”

I smack his ass and it makes a loud cracking sound. He yelps. “Not a dream.”

We go back to kissing for a while, until I’m so hard that I’m dizzy.

“There’s something else,” I say.

His weight on top of me feels so good, and he looks sexy as hell right now. Dark hair all messed up with that charming grin.

“I don’t think I can take anything else.” His voice is tinged with humor, but still carries that cockiness I’ve grown to love .