Page 59

“You like that, don’t you?” I say, my voice darker than I’ve ever heard it. “You like feeling my cock against yours, baby? ”

He doesn’t answer me right away. He catches his breath first.

“Yes,” he says, his voice a whisper.

I stare down at him as the truth hits me. I can feel his cock, hard and wet beneath me, sliding against my own. Feel his thrusts against me, heavy and erratic. I can see the glaze of lust in his honey-brown eyes.

I’ve never fucked a guy before, but I really, really want to fuck him.

Only him.

The overwhelming desire hits me that I may never know what it’s like to fuck him.

I may never know what it feels like to be buried inside of him. I may never know what it feels like to come inside of him.

His eyes stay on me and I think he’s going to say something, but he just stares at me like he can see through me, down to my fucking soul.

Maybe he can.

“Can I ask you something?” I breathe, pulling back to look at him.

His eyebrows furrow. “What?”

“Can I fuck you?” I ask.

He blinks, but I feel the twitch of his cock against mine.

“Uh— ”

I giggle, realizing I’ve rendered him speechless. I push some dark hair out of his eyes, tucking it behind his ear with a chuckle.

“Not right now,” I add as I watch his mouth open. “But maybe… some day.”

I know very well it may never happen, but it’s not about doing it. It’s about knowing he wants me to.

He smirks, sliding his hand over my hip, over my ass, and speechless Mackenzie is gone.

“Maybe,” he says carefully. “Some day.”

That wasn’t a no. I grin as I kiss him.

“I can work with a maybe,” I say. “Maybe one day I’ll be able to make you feel as good as you make me feel.”

He thrusts up against me, his breathy moans and grunts a symphony among the sound of the bed creaking.

“Some day you’ll find out just how good I can be,” I say as I kiss him hard. I find his hands with mine and place them above his head, but I don’t hold his wrists. I entwine my fingers with his and squeeze tight.

I grind myself against him.

One thrust.

Two thrust.

“Oh my God,” he groans, his eyes rolling back in his head. “Fuck.”

“Feel that, baby?” I whisper between kissing him. His cock twitches against mine, slick with his precum .

“Feel how hard you make me? How you drive me fucking crazy?”

“Alex…”

“You’re so close, aren’t you?” I kiss my way up his jaw, to his ear.

“Yes,” he sighs, squeezing my hand.

“Are you going to come?”“Yes!” He thrusts himself against me faster, causing the bed to shift and creak.

The sound of his voice, like this, is too much.

“Come on me,” I say with a grin. “Paint me like a canvas with your cum.” That does him in. His breaths come in fast and his body tenses.

“I’m coming,” he cries, louder than he ever has before. The moment I feel his cum erupt onto my skin, I lose it.

“All over me,” I say.

His hands squeeze mine tight as he screams my name and it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever fucking heard.

“Fuck,” I hiss as I still above him, tensing as the orgasm hits me. “I’m coming!”

Tears prickle the edge of my eyes and suddenly I feel like I can’t breathe.

A second later I feel his hand on my jaw, drawing me down to kiss him. His kiss is feverish. Messy.

I fucking love it. I love it when he comes undone.

“Oh my God, Jordan,” I breathe against his mouth. He chuckles, sliding his tongue across my lips. “That was so good,” I whisper.

Our chemistry is fucking wild. I’ve never felt this good with anyone else. Only him.

“So good,” he laughs, his voice soft, full of so much relief, and dare I say… love?

No, that can’t be right. You’re imagining that.

No one can really love you, Alex. You know that.

He rolls me off him, until I’m on my side. He threads his leg through mine, and pulls me close.

“Feel better?” I ask.

His fingertips draw circles on my shoulder as I rest my face in the crook of his neck.

“Mhmm,” he says, and a moment later, he’s snoring away. I chuckle, burying my face into his neck again.

I stay like that until my phone goes off.

I gently detach myself from Jordan’s tangled limbs and grab my phone.

It’s Kearstin.

Hey! I just wanted to touch base and mention I talked to Maggie, and she suggested we should all get together for another double date if you’re up for it.

I stare at her words, my heart breaking at the sight.

I’m caught between screaming, crying, and all out shutting down .

Of course, he’s still with her. Why would I think he would have broken up with her?

Why would I think he would pick me ?

He said he didn’t know what this was—that he needed my help to figure out his feelings.

I look at him next to me, sleeping so soundly.

But he’s with me and not her. I’m the one sleeping in his bed at night. Not her.

If I say no, it’ll look suspicious. After how much fun we had last time—despite our definition of having fun being very different—if I say no, I’ll look like an asshole.

I don’t want to be the asshole, but can I handle watching Jordan and his girlfriend be all lovey dovey and do dumb boyfriend-girlfriend shit while knowing what he tastes like?

What he sounds like when he comes? What he feels like in my arms?

While knowing he will never do that lovey dovey boyfriend shit with me ?

Maybe this is what needs to happen. Maybe it’s what I need to distance myself.

Time for the lifeboats, Alex.

Hey! Yeah, I’m totally down for a double! Tell Maggie we’re in!

I click send, and let out a breath. I wipe my tears, crawl next to Jordan, and close my eyes .

He reaches for me, sliding his hand over my hip and pulling me close against his chest.

His breath against my back is even, steady as his hand falls over my chest, over my heart. I bring my hand up, twisting my fingers between his, stroking his palm with my thumb. I gently bring it to my lips and kiss the back of his hand.

“I love you,” I whisper, even though he can’t hear me.

There. I said it.

But it’s a cop out, because he can’t hear me. Maybe it’s better that way.

I keep my hand in his as I settle against him, closing my eyes and focusing on the rhythm of his breathing and his heartbeat. And that’s what I count until I fall asleep.

I don’t know how I’m going to get through this double date.

Mack presses his fingers into my calf and rubs. “Relax, Alex.”

“I’m trying,” I mutter. If only he understood why I’m so stressed.

I can’t help but shake the feeling that this is it. This is where it all falls apart.

The vicious voice in my head that used to tell me I was no good, that I wasn’t worth it has changed to something more sinister. Now it tells me that maybe it will work out. Maybe he’ll make the right choice.

I’d rather have self loathing than hope. Hope is a cruel bitch.

He presses into the muscle hard, and I hiss.

“Pressure okay?”

No. It’s not.

But my leg feels fine.

“Yeah, you’re good,” I say as he runs his hands up my leg. I close my eyes, hanging my head as he bends my leg.

“You’re healing really well. At this rate, you’ll be tearing up the ice in no time,” he says with pride.

That’s the goal, right? That’s always been the goal…

So why do I feel like I’m losing all over again?

When I told him this morning about the double date, I thought he was going to pass out.

But he agreed it was probably a good idea. I had hoped he’d refuse and tell me it was a terrible idea, he doesn’t want to see Maggie, and he doesn’t want her at all.

But of course, that’s wishful thinking.

I need to remember he’s not mine. He’s never been mine.

But what if…

What if he picks me?

He won’t. Don’t kid yourself.

“Alright,” he says, tapping me on my back. “Time’ s up, Alex.”

I get up, noticing how close he is. I freeze, noticing the way he’s looking at me.

“What?” I ask as I slide off the table.

“You sure you’re okay?” He narrows his eyes.

I force a smile. “Peachy, baby.”

He stiffens at my words, and it’s like a knife in my chest.

“I’ll see you tonight. At the carnival,” I say.

He nods, but he’s still quite close.

Close enough I could kiss him. My gaze drifts to his lips, knowing how badly I want to.

I haven’t kissed him anywhere except at home. On his property.

Because it’s a line he can’t cross.

Can’t or won’t?

At home, he can be himself. Out here, in the real world he has to be someone else. I know what that’s like, so it shouldn’t hurt as much as it does.

But God, does it fucking hurt.

There’s still a part of me that wishes I could kiss him here. That I could take him out for ice cream and kiss him in the parking lot. That we could go on a single date. Together. That I could hold his hand where everyone could see. That we could just… be together. For real.

Don’t go there, Alex. You won’t like the outcome.

“Sounds good,” he says .

He walks me to the door, and just as I leave, he grabs my wrist.

“You sure you’re okay with this?” he asks. His palm against my skin is warm, but before I can process the touch, it’s gone.

He steps back.

“Of course,” I say with a smile. “It’s going to be great!”

This is going to be absolute hell.