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Chapter Thirty-Four

Alex

“How’s it going with your new bestie?” Britt asks, reaching for my half-eaten cupcake. I shove it at her, knowing she needs it more than me.

Besides, I need to watch my diet better since I can’t go to the gym and work out because of my damn knee.

“It’s going,” I say.

Sarah squirms in my lap. “I thought I was bestie”

I smile at her. “You are number one bestie, but don’t tell your sister I said that.” I wink as she grins and giggles, then I give her a tight hug and kiss the top of her head.

“Eat your cupcake,” Britt says to Sarah. “Then what’s wrong?” Britt asks between chewing her cupcake. Sarah bites into hers, dropping crumbs all over my lap.

“And don’t tell me it’s nothing, because I know you, Alex. Better than you know yourself. ”

I twist my lips, wondering if I should say something, but what can I say?

Britt knows I used to have a crush on Mack, and she’s alluded to her suspicions that something happened at the wedding, but I’ve never confirmed or denied it.

I just changed the subject, and it was never mentioned again.

I’m not ashamed of what happened between Jordan and I—far from it.

But he’s made enough threats and proclamations that he doesn’t want anyone to know what happened.

I wouldn’t go against that. For better or worse, I’m used to it.

I’m used to being people’s skeleton in their closet.

I can’t stop thinking about his words from the other day. How he basically asked me what I would be willing to give him in the most non-professional, non-friendly way possible. He said it was hypothetical, but I know it wasn’t.

If it was hypothetical, he wouldn’t have been rubbing my knee or staring at my fucking mouth.

And his cock wouldn’t have been twitching beneath my ass.

But his actions are always the opposite of his words.

We can’t do this, Alex.

He was so sure then, so resistant. I’d begged him not to leave, and he hadn’t. He stayed because I was a mess. Not because he wanted to. So what’s changed?

“You know I haven’t really dated anyone since we broke up, right?” I say carefully .

Brittany gives me a soft smile. “I know. You have been with people, though.” She says the words cautiously, given present company.

“Yeah, but…”

“But what?”

“It’s not like I didn’t want to date people, I just… I don’t know. It seems like people only like me for one thing.”

“Sarah, sweetheart, can you go grab Mommy and Uncle Alex some coloring books?” she says sweetly. “Get a couple. Some markers and crayons too. Don’t come back until you have everything. ”

“Uh huh,” she says, jumping off my lap and taking off for her room.

Britt smirks.

“That’s because you think that’s all you're good at,” she says solidly.

“Maybe because it is,” I mumble. “I don’t have anything else to offer.”

She rolls her eyes. “We’ve been over this, Alex. If you want people to stop treating you like a sex object, don’t treat yourself like one.”

“It’s not that simple,” I grumble.

“Yes, it is. You’ve got plenty of redeeming qualities,” she says. “You are a way better catch than you think you are.”

“You’re biased. ”

She smiles. “Maybe I am, but it’s still the truth.”

Sarah comes barreling down the hall, dropping crayons and markers on her way. I don’t think twice about getting up and picking them up as she lunges for the couch.

“Got them!” she shouts.

I spread them out along the coffee table as she sets up her coloring books.

“All right, bestie, which one do you want?” I ask.

Sarah jumps in my lap with a jumbo coloring book.

I grab it from her and flip through the pages as she settles against me.

“This one!” she shouts, stopping me on a page with Cinderella and her pumpkin carriage.

Britt sits beside us, casting me a sly grin as she offers me a marker.

I work on the gold trim of the carriage while Sarah tries her hardest to stay in the lines of Cinderella’s dress. I cap my marker and toss it onto Britt’s lap.

“Here.” I take Sarah’s hand and slowly guide her. “Take your time. Don’t rush.”

Together we fill in the spots.

When I look up, I notice Britt’s looking at me like I hung the fucking moon. She hasn’t looked at me like that in a long time.

“You just have to let people in, Alex. ”

Her gaze drifts to her daughter, to where I’m holding her hand, guiding her to stay in the lines. It’s still messy, but a little better.

I sigh, avoiding her gaze.

I let go of Sarah’s tiny hand and watch as she continues the rhythm on her own. “Good job!”

“Mhmmm.”

Brit crosses her arms, meeting my gaze with a knowing look.

“What?”

“Like I said,” she says carefully. “Lots of redeeming qualities.”

My cheeks redden from her compliment. I can’t remember the last time anyone said something like that to me. Actually, I don’t think anyone’s ever said anything like that to me.

She squeezes my shoulder, and I can’t help but smile.

“Thanks,” I say, even though I don’t take compliments well. She knows this.

I catch Sarah’s gaze from the side. “One more before Uncle Alex has to go to therapy?”

She nods with enthusiasm, her ponytail bobbing, and I ruminate on Britt’s advice.

If you don’t want others to treat you like a sex object, don’t treat yourself like one. Let people in.

I can do that, right?

I enter Jordan’s office five minutes early, with two iced coffees and a small box of donuts.

“Hey,” I say as I hand him his coffee.

“You’re a lifesaver,” he says as he grabs it, sounding tired.

I raise an eyebrow at him.

“I mean, I know that, but why do you think that?” I tease.

“The coffee machine in the break room is busted,” he says before putting away half his drink so fast I think he’s going to get a brain freeze. I swallow hard as I watch his cheeks hollow as he sucks the liquid through the straw.

Fuck me.

I force myself to look away to avoid popping a full blown erection in his office. Because watching him drink his iced coffee is far dirtier than it should be.

“Oh,” is all I’m able to choke out before he sets it down. He saunters over to the table and smacks it with his hand, making both me and my cock stand at attention.

“Lay down.”

I have to suck down some of my coffee to placate my nerves. I know this is part of my treatment. He checks me before every appointment to make sure everything’s okay before we start working my exercises, but still I have to remind myself that his touching me is professional, not personal.

But today, all I can think about is the other day. When I fell into his lap and he was rubbing my knee—in a not professional way. Very not-professional.

“On your stomach,” he adds as I approach the table. He grabs my drink and sets it down on the desk. He nods to the bed. “I’m not going to tell you again.”

My shoulders loosen and my brain glitches.

I’m not going to tell you twice, Alex,” Vance hisses.

“Sorry,” I say as I blink through watery eyes.

His hand wraps around my throat, and I can smell the alcohol on his breath.

I blink, trying to push the thoughts away.

Vance isn’t here. He’s not in Ashbourne, not in Mack’s office.

He’s in my head and only in my head now because I left.

I notice Mack’s a lot closer to me than he was a minute ago.

“You good?” he asks, his voice steady, calm.

My gaze dips to his mouth.

A part of me wonders what he’d do if I kissed him here, in his office.

Would he kiss me back? Would his mouth make me forget about the things that haunt me? Would it take away the pain?

I think it would, but I guess I’ll never know because I don’t kiss him. Instead, I do as I’m told.

I get on my stomach and lean forward. He runs his fingers along my knee, underneath it. The touch is gentle yet firm as he taps and squeezes. I only wince a little.

“Feels good,” he says and I move to get up, but his palm on the small of my back pushes me down. He applies pressure, and I can’t move.

My cock twitches, and I curse under my breath because now is not the time.

“Stay there,” he says, his voice commanding.

“Okay,” I say breathlessly. My dick is hard, and this is not a great position to be in, but I’ll be damned if he knows that.

I don’t know how to take Jordan sometimes.

I see the way he looks at me when we’re alone.

Catch him checking me out in the morning after I shower, or peeking at my ass in my paint-splattered jeans when I paint the cabinets.

Or the way his gaze flashes to my mouth when we’re just talking.

How it stays there a minute longer than what’s polite.

But then, just when I think we’re comfortable, he gets stand-offish. Moves to the other end of the couch. Closes his bedroom door and locks himself in there for hours .

Then he goes and pulls me onto his fucking lap and asks what I’d be willing to give him.

Doesn’t he know I’d give him everything if he only asked?

Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m too giving.

But what do I have left to give anyone? Britt thinks I’ve got redeeming qualities, but I’m not sure what they are.

“Relax.” Jordan’s voice pulls me from my thoughts.

“O-okay.” I suck in a breath, not sure what he’s getting at.

“You’ve been doing good,” he says as he bends my leg back. I wince as he brings it back down.

“I’m trying,” I say honestly. He lays my leg back down and I hear a wet slapping sound.

My cock twitches, and I look over my shoulder to see Mack rubbing lotion into his hands.

I watch the way his long, thick fingers move before he settles them at my ankle and slowly applies pressure up my calf.

I hiss because the muscle is tight, and when he gets to my knee, I groan.

“Pressure okay?” he asks.

I nod, unable to speak.

It hurts, but it feels good. Relieving, even.

“Yeah, it’s good. A little pain won’t kill me,” I say sarcastically. “My threshold’s pretty damn high.”

He presses harder, and I gasp as he digs his finger right into my muscle. The pain is sharp and he pushes his thumbnail upwards .

“How about now?” he asks, his voice professional, but his touch bordering brutal.