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Chapter Forty-Five

Jordan

I figured this double date would be better with us being around a ton of people.

Seems I was wrong. The crowd is stressing me out.

There are people everywhere, yelling and screaming, and it’s doing nothing to distract me from the anxiety I have over being with my girlfriend and my… whatever the fuck Alex is.

At any point he could rat me out. He could tell Maggie everything. Though that would result in what needs to happen—her and I breaking up—I don’t want there to be a scene. Not here with all these people. I don’t want to hurt her either.

“Oh, look! The Ferris wheel!” Maggie says, tugging on my arm. “Will you come with me?”

The excitement in her eyes is too much to say no to.

“Sure. ”

Maggie squeals, leans up on her tiptoes to kiss my jaw, and then hurries us along toward the ride. I feel Alex’s gaze burning holes in the side of my head the entire way there.

Thankfully, it’s a small ride, and there are only two people to a cart. I hate these rides. They’re all death traps, but I’ll risk it to get a break from Alex. I swear I can feel the heat of his anger even from here, with him below me in the other cart.

Though I know he’s not happy, he’s putting on a good show.

His date is perfectly happy and can’t tell that there’s a single thing wrong with him.

He’s still smiling, goofing off, and being charming as hell.

I don’t know how he does it, which pisses me off and makes me feel guilty.

I asked him if he was okay with this and he said yes.

I warned him about all of this. I told him I couldn’t just upend my life to be with him. He knows that. He fucking knows. Yet, he’s upset, and I hate that, too. I don’t like seeing him upset, knowing I’m the cause, but I fucking warned him. He agreed, so this is on him.

When the ride is done, we get off and wait to the side for Alex and Kearstin to meet us.

The small break from him did nothing to fix this problem, and when he meets my gaze, I nearly die.

How does no one else see how sad his eyes actually are?

How am I the only one in the world who can see past his facade ?

We hold each other’s gaze for a long moment, everything around us ceasing to exist. The crowd, the noise, the rides… all of it just stops as I hear what he isn’t saying.

Why are you doing this?

Why do things have to be like this?

I wish I knew, Alex. I really wish I knew.

“Let’s get food,” Maggie says excitedly, pulling me from my stolen moment with Alex.

She leads us to a food truck with tacos and alcohol.

We all get a tequila drink and food, but I get the biggest drink they’ll let me and only one taco because I don’t even like them.

Though, Maggie doesn’t know that because I’ve never told her.

She loves tacos, and I wanted to see her happy, and so I ate them.

Through the thousands of people at this carnival, we manage to find a table that isn’t covered in popcorn, spilled drinks, and ketchup. I scarf down my taco in two bites, then start sipping on my drink, ready for it to kick in.

“What about you, Jordan?”

“Hm?” I look up, noting they’re all staring at me.

“Marriage,” Kearstin says. “You think you’ll pull the trigger some day?”

I catch Alex’s gaze before he ignores me for his churro that is too covered in chocolate syrup and strawberries to be considered fried anymore .

“Uh…” I clear my throat, taking another mouthful of my drink as I glance at Maggie who is smiling brightly, then at Alex who looks like he’s about to explode. “I, uh—”

“Jordan and I have talked about marriage,” Maggie says, hooking her arm around mine. “Kids too. We want it someday, just not today. Isn’t that right, honey?”

I blink a few times, my gaze on Alex when I say. “Yeah, that’s right.”

I keep waiting for him to lose his shit, and part of me wonders if this will be it.

Only he doesn’t. His body is stiffer than a statue, and I’m not sure he didn’t just have a stroke.

“Awww….” Kearstin smiles. “Kids are the best. That’s why I became a teacher. I can’t wait to have my own some day.” She smiles thoughtfully, grabbing a nacho from her bowl. “But right now, I’m just enjoying being single for a while, like Alex.”

Alex drains the rest of his drink before tearing into his churro.

“We are going to have the cutest babies,” Maggie adds. “Three boys, all like Jordan. Strong and tall and into sports.” She laughs like it’s the best idea in the world.

I don’t remember ever having that conversation with her, but she isn’t a liar, so maybe I did one day. Maybe I said it to appease her. How the fuck do I get myself in these positions ?

Maggie finishes her drink, dropping it onto the empty tray, and her arm tightens around mine as I work on my drink and stare down at the few pieces of lettuce that fell from my taco. My chest feels tight and this drink tastes bitter as hell.

What the fuck am I doing?

Maggie sneaks under my arm, practically sitting on my lap. I feel Alex staring daggers at me, but I can’t look at him anymore.

This is wrong. I should put a stop to it. It’s not even that I like it. I just… I don’t know. I can’t think straight.

Maggie throws her arms around my neck and kisses my check, then leans in to kiss my lips.

“How about we go play some games?” Alex says, his voice an octave too high. He sounds cheerful enough, but I detect the disdain.

I know Alex better than either of the girls.

I know Alex better than a lot of people.

“Great idea,” I blurt and get to my feet, holding Maggie steady because I almost knock her over as I do.

She giggles as I help her to her feet. Her cheeks are red, and that drink is definitely hitting her. If only mine would work on me.

We toss the trash on the way over to the games. Maggie’s hands are all over me, while Alex’s eyes are burning everywhere else. I can’t catch a break, and I think I’m going to have a panic attack any second .

The girls decide they want to do the water gun race, so I pay for them to do that and stand to the side.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Alex growls, his voice low and full of pain. Pain I’m the cause of.

I’m not sure what to say, so I just stare forward. This is all wrong. It’s fucked up. I don’t want any of this. I shouldn’t have agreed to do this date in the first place.

There’s nothing wrong with Maggie. She’s pretty, she’s sweet, she would make a perfect wife for someone.

Just… not me. I don’t know how I ended up in this seventh circle of hell.

Everything feels wrong. It’s always felt wrong, but with Alex beside me, it feels worse.

So much worse. I used to be able to tolerate all of this, but now every time she touches me my skin crawls, and every word, every kiss, feels like another nail in my coffin. Another reminder that she isn’t him.

I can’t say I want the same things I have with Maggie with Alex, because the thought of him touching me in front of all these people has my throat itchy, but Maggie isn’t making me feel any better.

“Jordan,” he hisses, and I finally bring myself to look at him.

“I don’t fucking know,” I answer back quietly.

“Oh, you don’t know?” He huffs out a humorless laugh. “Maybe you should ask your girlfriend to help you figure it out.” The venom in his voice is unmistakable .

I should argue with him. I should tell him this is all his fault. He’s the one who made the plans in the first place. I warned him, and he said it was fine. This is his doing.

Clenching my jaw, I turn my attention back to the girls.

The game is done, and neither of them won.

Maggie whines as she gets up and comes back over to me, putting her arms around my waist and her head on my chest. Alex scoffs and walks away, his entire demeanor shifting.

I watch as he pouts and tells Kearstin he’ll play the game and get her the little teddy bear she had her sights on.

I watch as he straddles the stool, his shoulders arching as he sets his gaze on the target. When the bell rings, he hits it spot on. Without any wavering, he keeps the stream steady until the race horse marker hits the finish and the bell sounds.

He smiles as he hands her the bear, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

How would I feel if the tables were turned? If I saw Alex and Kearstin with their hands all over each other? I’d be furious. I know that. I’m not saying Alex is in the wrong, I just… can’t do anything about it.

There’s a picnic table not too far from the games, so I take a seat over there while the girls keep playing games and Alex mopes around, not staying too far away from them.

I’m not sure how long this goes on for, but it feels like seconds before Maggie comes over and sits on my lap, resting her head on my shoulder.

“You should come over tonight,” she says as she leans in to kiss my jaw.

It feels so much better when Alex does it.

“Jordan,” Alex snaps, and I glance up to meet his gaze. “Your girlfriend asked you something.”

My brow furrows, and I look at Maggie.

“I’m sorry. What?”

“I asked if you’d rather me go to your place. It’s been a while since I’ve been there.”

It has been a while. Months, I think. She has no idea Alex is still living with me or that he’s remodeled half the house.

“Answer your girlfriend, Jordan,” Alex says harshly, but it seems I’m the only one who’s noticing. Maggie is rubbing against me like a cat in heat and Kearstin is frowning at her phone.

“Oh. I, uh…”

“Come on, Jordan,” Maggie coos.

What the hell has gotten into her? She doesn’t act like this. She’s never all over me like this. Sex is not a big part of our relationship, and not once has she ever acted like this to get it.

“Fuck this,” Alex growls, and then he takes off.

Kearstin notices, looks up and calls after him. “Alex, where are you going? ”

She looks at me and I shrug, as if I don’t know what he’s pissed about. I do, and I should go after him but I can’t.