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Chapter Forty-Four

Alex

All through dinner, I can tell something’s off with Jordan. When I’d left after visiting him for lunch, he seemed good. Happy, even. Not that the man ever really exudes joy or excitement like I do, but I could tell he was okay. Comfortable.

The man currently watching Sports Center in a complete daze is not the same person.

I stare at him from behind the brand new black countertop. I don’t think he’s noticed it yet. Sometimes it takes him a day or two to realize everything around has changed, like he’s in his head too much.

I take in the sight of him, his dark hair and perfect jawline. Broad shoulders and solid form.

I have a feeling I know what’s wrong, but I don’t want to be right .

So I don’t ask.

Instead, I put the leftover homemade chicken pasta in the fridge and grab two half-pints of ice cream and two spoons.

When I sit next to him, he looks up, as if he finally remembers where he is and that he isn’t alone. I offer him his pint and a spoon.

“Thanks,” he says, his voice far away.

I tap my spoon against his.

“Cheers,” I say with a grin before digging in.

And because I’m a glutton for punishment, I do what I said I wouldn’t do.

I ask.

“You okay?” I shovel a spoonful of sweet cherries and chocolate into my mouth.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” He leans back against the couch, and scoots closer to me.

I wonder if he’s aware of all the little things he does, the way I am.

If he notices every time his fingers drift to my thigh or if he notices how he goes to bed every night on his side and wakes up with his limbs tangled around me.

Probably not. But I do. Those little things are what I look forward to the most.

“You’re quiet,” I say carefully. “Quieter than usual.”

I watch as he takes a big bite of his cookies and cream.

“Just tired, I guess. ”

I let it go because I’m too scared to press him further. I don’t want to know.

Because somewhere deep inside, I do know. I always know the ship is going to sink, but I board the boat anyway.

There’s nothing more I’d like to do right now than shove him into my car, take him somewhere, and buy him whatever he wants until he feels better.

Until I feel better.

But I can’t. I mean, technically I can. Guys hang out with each other all the time in public and no one assumes they’re together.

Would he want to be seen with me like that? Even if no one would know, would he risk it?

No. Probably not.

Because he doesn’t want you like that, Alex. You know that.

I shove another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth and sigh.

“Want to cuddle and watch stupid rom-coms with me?” I ask, wiggling my eyebrows. “There’s a marathon of Kate Hudson ones on.”

He laughs, and it’s genuine.

“Sure.” He hands me the remote. “Have at it.”

I flip through the channels and he settles against me, eyes glued to the screen .

I like this. Him, here with me like this.

Our mornings of coffee and kisses before he leaves.

My days full of projects I can’t wait for him to notice.

When he comes home and wraps his arms around me after work.

Our evenings on the couch, soaking up each other’s body heat.

Watching games and making out on the couch so I don’t have to listen to the dumb announcers.

Our weekends spent getting sweaty between the sheets and discovering new ways to make each other come.

I never knew that my life could be like this. But now that I know… fuck.

How do I let this go? I can’t.

We sit here, watching My Best Friend’s Girl and eat our ice cream. I laugh, even though a part of me feels the sting of the situation. A fake relationship where he falls in love with his mark? The universe fucking hates me.

Jordan’s body shifts and he leans his head on my shoulder as he licks his spoon clean.

I gaze at him, wondering if he notices the way his body presses against mine. I look down at him from where he’s settled, committing to memory the way his thick lashes frame his honey eyes. He has the prettiest eyes.

The words are lodged in my throat again, choking me.

I’ve never wanted to say them so badly, but I have to keep them to myself. I don’t think it would do either of us any good if I said them .

So instead, I wrap my arm around Jordan and pull him closer.

He lets me, and that’s no small feat. I’ve never held him in my arms before.

He feels good there. My fingers graze over his flannel shirt on his shoulder.

His crisp vetiver and alpine scent is like a fog around me as my heart beats like a damn drum.

“Thanks,” he says as he leans his head back and looks up at me. “For the ice cream.”

His voice is soft, his honey eyes catching the light of the chandelier. I give him a soft smile.

“Of course.”

I love you.

I lean down and kiss him if only to distract myself from the words that want to fall out of my mouth. The words I can not fucking say because they will destroy everything.

He chuckles lightly, his hand coming up to squeeze my throat just a little bit as he kisses me, as he slides his cold tongue into my mouth.

I take his top lip between my teeth and nip it before I drive my tongue against his. I love kissing him. Every time I do, I don’t want to stop.

My phone rings, breaking the spell with its haunting melody. “Daddy Issues.”

Fuck.

I break away with a heavy sigh. I finish my pint and set it down on the table and he shifts next to me, allowing me to move. It keeps ringing, the lyrics about taking someone like a drug and tasting them on your tongue are loud.

My body stiffens and the words cut me deep.

Once, I waited for his call. Vance’s. I waited to hear those words or read that text that would say “Be ready for me,” and I’d jump. I’d speed over to his house, get naked, and be on my knees in a matter of fucking minutes.

Sometimes he’d come. Sometimes I’d wait all night and end up sleeping on the damn floor.

Now I’m terrified to hear his fucking voice.

I push away the thoughts threatening to pull me under. Instead, I focus my gaze on Jordan. On those pretty eyes that I could easily get lost in.

I love you.

“You gonna get that?” he asks.

I grab the phone, silence it, and put it in my back pocket.

“It’s not important.”

He looks as if he wants to press me, but he says nothing.

“What?” I ask as I realize he’s staring at me.

“Nothing,” he says, smiling at me. “I’m going to call it a night.”

“Okay,” I say, those three words taunting me.

He pulls me to him, kissing me softly before he breaks away, undressing himself as he goes.

I watch the way he removes his shirt, watch the way his muscles move together as he does so.

I let my gaze fall over his ass in his tight boxer briefs.

He stops in his doorway, turning to look at me over his shoulder.

“Counter looks great,” he says, giving me the sexiest smile I’ve ever fucking seen, before sliding his briefs clean off and dropping them to the floor. Then he turns around and heads for bed.

I can’t help but grin. He noticed. And it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours.

I take one look at the empty pints on the coffee table, and the crumpled blanket on the couch. The mess can wait.

I saunter into the bedroom, removing my clothes before I get there. I settle my phone on the nightstand by my side of the bed.

My side of the bed. The truth hits me hard. I’ve never had a “side” of the bed before.

When I get in beside him, he shifts closer to me.

I feel his fingertips on my thigh, and he looks at me through those dark eyelashes.

“Still here,” I say with a soft smile.

I love you.

I lean in to kiss him. Softly at first, but it doesn’t stay that way long. It never does .

Jordan kisses me like no one else. My cock jumps, coming to life. It’s crazy how much he turns me on. How just a kiss can make me feel like this.

He lets out a contented moan, and I fall into his arms with ease.

His hands slide over my body, eliciting trails of fire wherever they go.

He digs his nails into my skin and I love it.

His hand slides over my ass and his tongue caresses mine as he thrusts himself against me.

We roll around in the sheets, tasting, grinding against one another in a flurry of mouths and hands we can’t keep to ourselves. But why would we want to?

Why would I ever want him to stop touching me?

I’ve spent so many years seeking out pain that I never knew pleasure could feel like this . I never knew I could feel like this.

I write the words I can’t say across his chest with my tongue and around his cock as he grasps my hair tight. I write the letters across his skin with my fingertips everywhere I touch him.

Do you know? Do you know how much I fucking love you? How much I’ve always loved you?

I roll over top of him, straddling him as he pants. I watch his kiss-swollen lips part, his chest rise and fall.

“You are so fucking hot,” I tell him.

I’m reminded of that night so long ago, the first time I saw him naked. Vegas.

We were drunk, but I was still fucking obsessed. Now I’m addicted.

I crawl down his body, biting and kissing every inch of him until I get to his cock. I take him into my mouth without haste, my tongue gliding up his shaft.

“Fuck, Alex,” he groans as I grip him, squeezing his cock as I swirl my tongue around his head.

He thrusts into my mouth until he hits the back of my throat, and I choke. I groan around him. God, he tastes so fucking good.

I glance up at him, seeing that look of ecstasy on his face and the way his fingers fist the sheets. I pop off his dick and crawl back up his body to straddle him until my cock slides against his.

“So fucking hot,” I say as I settle my arms on the side of him, finding his mouth with mine as I swallow his moans.

I thrust against him, rubbing our cocks together, which elicits a deep moan from him.

“Alex…”

“I love it when you scream my name,” I whisper against his lips. I love you.

His breaths come in fast and hard. One thrust. Two thrust.