Page 24

Chapter Nineteen

Jordan

Alex stumbles into the room, pure devastation on his face.

I have no idea what is wrong with him, but something inside of me wants it.

It’s so fucked up and makes no sense, but I’ve had too much alcohol to care.

That’s a whole other problem. I keep doing all these stupid things when I’m drinking.

I should lay off the alcohol before I do something really fucking stupid.

Although, as I realize where I am and what’s going on, I think I already have.

I’m not sure what is going to happen here tonight, in his room, but whatever it is, neither of us are going to come out the same on the other side.

That doesn’t stop me, though .

I stalk toward him. Though he isn’t much smaller than me, there is something about him that is so small and fragile. Broken, maybe.

On the outside, Alex is all laughs and fun and not giving a shit. On the inside? I’m pretty sure he’s more fucked up than me.

I step closer to him, and though he looks confident, standing there with his chin held high, I see how weak he really is.

Not in the sense that he’s incapable, but in the sense that he’s hurting.

I don’t plan on fixing him. I can’t even fix myself; there’s no way I can do that for him, but maybe if we have just this one night, it’ll be a starting point for him.

Maybe for me, too. Because if this shit with Alex has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I need help, too.

I can’t keep going on warring with myself like I have.

This realization is new, but thoughts of Vegas haven’t left me alone since I’ve gotten back.

I don’t want to live my life questioning everything about myself.

Growing up, my life was shit. My sister wasn’t around.

My father left when I was ten. My mother has a laundry list of mental illnesses that she’d rather medicate with street drugs and vodka.

I knew that well before my father left, which meant when he left, I knew I was fucked. All I could do was survive.

I carefully bring my hand up to cup Alex’s cheek. He whimpers as his eyes fall shut, and he leans into my hand, desperate for something. I don’t know if it’s me, or someone , but I’m the one who’s here right now and seemingly the one who needs to take control.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I say in a raspy whisper.

Alex’s eyes pop open, the green dark like a forest on a moonless night.

“Welcome to the club,” he manages to say, giving me a fake smile.

“Don’t do that.” I shake my head, and his eyes narrow. “Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Don’t put on a happy face when you’re not happy, Alex.”

“Then I’d be grumpy all the time. Like you.”

I shrug. “I’m not so bad.”

“So I’ve noticed.”

He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. My thumb brushes along his cheek and it’s softer than I thought it would be.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

“That’s a loaded question,” he says.

“If I walked out right now. Would you be okay?”

I hold his gaze as I wait for him to answer. His eyes flick back and forth from mine.

“No.”

I’m grateful for his honesty, even if it scares the shit out of me.

Because when I say my father left when I was ten, I mean he left by killing himself.

He didn’t walk out the door, giving me a chance to find him again and make peace with the fact he left me with her.

No, he made sure I was stuck with her for good.

Made sure I was the one who had to take care of her.

He ended his life because he wasn’t okay, and so I’ve had to make sure I’m okay my entire life.

Even when I’m not, I am. Because that’s how you survive.

It’s how you get by. Being weak gets you nowhere but six feet in the ground.

My hands go to Alex’s hips, and I guide him a few steps toward the wall until his back hits it.

“I don’t think sex is the answer,” I say carefully, licking my lips. “It’s not an answer to anything, but I hear it makes you feel better sometimes.”

“You hear?”

I shrug, giving a slight nod. I’m not going to get into it tonight.

I’m not going to explain to him that every time I’ve tried to lose myself in sex, it never happened.

That once I got out of my teen years, when my dick started acting normal and wasn’t hard for ninety percent of the day, sex was impossible.

I couldn’t get hard when I wanted to, and when I did, I couldn’t come.

That’s a conversation for another time. Or maybe never because once I’m sober, these thoughts are difficult.

“Don’t ask.”

His eyes narrow even more, but he nods, for once, doing as I ask without putting up an argument .

I go for the button on his slacks, popping it open. A quick breath leaves him.

“Jordan…”

“Shut up, Alex.”

I unzip his pants to shove my hand inside, finding him hard and needy.

I’ve never touched another man’s dick before. I hardly touch mine nowadays. Yet, something about Alex Brewer makes me want to do these things.

Sliding my hand along his length, I squeeze and release pressure. His head falls back against the wall as he starts to pant.

“Jordan…”

This time when he says my name, it’s out of desperation. Whiney. Needy. It’s no longer a question of what I’m doing, but a plea to keep going.

“This is all I can give you right now,” I say. “But maybe…”

I remove my hand and he whimpers, thumping his head against the wall.

I slip my hand into the waistband of his briefs to shove them down to release his dick.

He stays perfectly still, the only motion is his chest rising and falling as his rapid breaths come and go.

Bringing my hand to my mouth, I lick my fingers, then take his dick in my hand, stroking him better. Faster.

“Oh, fucking hell,” he mutters, eyes falling closed again .

“Look at me,” I growl, pressing my other hand against the wall by his head. His eyes pop open. “Watch me,” I tell him.

I need to see in his eyes that I’m doing this right.

He blinks a few times, but his eyes stay on me, glossed over from a mix of pleasure and alcohol.

Alex isn’t going to regret this tomorrow and I hope like hell I don’t either.

I wish it was so simple. To just say it’s okay and go with it.

Because this? Nothing has ever felt like this before.

If only I were a stronger man, I could choose to not care what people think and just be me, but that’s not who I am.

I’m not that strong, despite what people think about me.

I came from a weak man and so I was destined to be a weak man. I just put on a better show.

“Maybe one day things can be different,” I finally say.

“Jordan, fuck—”

I squeeze him, my thumb sliding over his leaking slit. I like the way he feels in my hand. Familiar but different. His dick pulses, and I jerk him faster, knowing he’s close. It has my dick hard all over again.

Flashes of him on his knees for me in the bathroom go through my head and my dick aches, needing his mouth on me again. I will have that before the night is over.

“Am I going to make you come, Alex?” I taunt.

“Yes,” he whimpers. “Fuck yes, I’m so close.” His voice is desperate, and I can’t deny that I like the way it sounds.

“I want to come,” he whines. His eyes screw shut and his entire body tenses. “I want—”

“Come for me, Alex,” I growl as I lean in, dragging my nose along his neck. He tilts his head, giving me more space and I latch onto his skin, sucking it into my mouth before biting down.

“Fuck!” he cries out, his dick throbbing as he explodes.

I step back, staring down at my hand, then looking at him.

“Please don’t run,” he pants out. “I can’t take that right now.”

I blink a few times, then bring my gaze back to him. “I won’t.” I shake my head, gaze still on my hand. “I was wondering what you taste like.”

“Fuck,” he whines.

I step to him again, gripping his chin with my clean hand. His eyes fall open. “Tell me.”

Bringing my hand to his mouth, his gaze moves from mine to my hand. He leans forward, sticking his tongue out to drag along my palm. He hums a satisfied sound when his lips close, and I watch him swallow.

“It’s good. A little sweet, a little salty.”

I growl, my dick so fucking hard it hurts.

“You should try it,” he adds.

Looking back at my hand, I step away.

“Another time. ”

My phone rings in my pocket, startling me and breaking the moment we were having.

It’s back to reality now.

Before things get weird, I head to the bathroom to wash my hands. My phone is ringing again by the time I’m drying them. I already know it has to be one of the guys, because no one else would be calling me at this time.

“What?” I bark into the phone.

“Where the fuck are you?” Trey shouts. “I thought the party was in your room, asshole.”

Fuck. It was.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”

I walk out of the bathroom and find Alex sitting on the bed, all put back together. If I hadn’t just witnessed what happened, I’d never know. He looks just as sexy as he did earlier, his dark hair messy from dancing, tie undone and hanging around his neck. Two buttons popped on his dress shirt.

“You coming?” I ask, gesturing toward the door. He looks up, a slight frown on his face. “Party in my room, I guess.”

“Oh, right.” He smiles, but it’s tired. I think of telling him not to do that shit, again. But that moment is long gone, and I’m not sure we’ll ever get that back. So I guess all we can do is go on with the night and hope tomorrow will be better.