Page 40 of Heartbreak Honey

Now

They’ve been back in L.A. for a week and Trevor hasn’t spent a single night in his own home. It was a relief coming back and seeing proof that the house is still standing, of course. But then after the first evening of unpacking and laundry, he realized there was somewhere else he’d rather be. So he packed up again, got Stella in the car, and drove over to Skyler’s. And he hasn’t left since.

Skyler offered to go stay at Trevor’s place with him. He said they spent all that time in New York in his apartment, and it wasn’t fair to expect Trevor to keep bringing his stuff over to Skyler’s. Said he only needed his guitar and a yoga mat, and he’d be fine anywhere.

But Trevor refused to make him do that. Skyler worked so hard to build this beautiful life for himself. He deserves to have his music room and his yoga room and his infinity pool with the gorgeous view. Plus, more importantly, he has the privacy gate and his security here. It’s not fair to ask Mike or Hal to uproot themselves again to stay in Santa Monica.

So Trevor’s been here in Malibu, and it’s been great. Except now as he’s doing laps in the pool while Skyler works on some music inside, the full extent of what they’re doing is hitting him. They had to share the apartment in New York, but now that they’re back in L.A., things are starting to feel a lot more real.

Have they essentially moved in together?

The thought doesn’t worry him as much as it potentially could. This thing is new between them, but not really. Didn’t they agree they aren’t starting over; they’re just going from here? It’s not like they haven’t lived together before. But they were so young then. It feels bigger somehow, to be fully grown adults with their own lives now and still choosing to spend every day together.

Not wanting to stress about it, he does a few more laps until his legs get tired. Then he dries himself off, secures the towel around his waist, and heads inside to find his man.

As expected, Skyler’s still in the music room, but the door’s wide open so Trevor’s not worried about disturbing him. It occurs to him, as he strolls in while Skyler’s playing and pulls over a stool, that he’s fully comfortable here. He fits easily into Skyler’s home, into his life. And that makes him so fucking happy.

Which, in turn, does scare him a tiny bit.

Because being happy means he has something to lose.

He learned that five years ago.

He waits until Skyler finishes the song and then gives him a smile. “That sounded great.”

“Thanks.” Skyler smiles back at him, dimples peeking out. “Did you have a good swim?”

“Mm-hmm. My arms are like jelly though.”

Skyler steps over to his audio mixer and starts playing with a few sounds. “I’ll give you a massage later. I have some oils.”

“Of course you do.” Trevor’s surprised he doesn’t have a private masseuse coming here once a week. Skyler’s always been a sucker for getting rubbed down.

“Don’t sass me, or no happy ending for you,” Skyler teases, green eyes sparkling playfully.

Trevor holds on to his towel and shifts in his seat while Skyler jots something in a notebook. He takes it with him when he sits back down with his guitar. Getting to watch him work feels like a privilege. Trevor has a front row seat to the creation process for the music that will soon be listened to and loved by millions of people all over the world.

His heart swells with pride, and when Skyler shoots him a shy smile, Trevor’s compelled to get up and kiss him.

Skyler doesn’t let him go right away, running his fingers lightly through Trevor’s damp hair. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He returns to perch on his stool as Skyler strums the opening chords of a song. And everything is sweet and perfect and right. Until, out of nowhere, Trevor’s anxiety gets the best of him, and he blurts out, “It’s okay that I’m here, right?”

Skyler stops playing and gives him a confused look. “You know I don’t mind you listening to me play. If I wanted to keep something private, I would have shut the door.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “I mean here in your house. Staying here. Is it weird I haven’t gone home all week?”

“I don’t think so. As long as you want to be here. I know Stella loves her evening walks with Mike.”

That’s true. Stella’s already so used to the new routine that last night she waited at the door at five minutes before six, and then started to whine a few minutes later until Mike knocked on the door to take her for a long walk around the property. Trevor’s not sure which one of them enjoys the walks more.

“I want to be here,” he assures Skyler. “It’s just a little scary how comfortable I’ve gotten, that’s all.”

“You don’t have to be scared, but I get it,” Skyler says. He readjusts the guitar in his arms and moves the capo up. “Can I play you something? It’s a song I think I want to include on the new album. I haven’t let you hear it yet, because I wrote it about how I was feeling right before we got back together, and it’s pretty…”

Skyler doesn’t finish that thought, and something tells Trevor this one is going to hurt, but he nods and stays quiet, waiting.

And he’s not wrong. From the first two lines, his heart aches. But he keeps listening, eyes glued on Skyler, whose head is bent slightly over the guitar.

We used to think we had it all

Used to think that we knew everything, everything

Had no idea how far we could fall

Didn’t know we’d be left with nothing, nothing

We used to spend our days just having fun

Nights tangled up between the sheets

Used to say whatever was on our minds

We used to be so unafraid

So if I told you now that I’m terrified

What would you think of me?

If I told you I still want you by my side

Would you think I’d lost my mind?

Or would you maybe say you want to try?

Would you admit you’re just as terrified?

Trevor’s not sure how he makes it through the entire song without breaking down, but he does. And when Skyler glances up at him, uncertainty in his eyes, it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. It’s almost a relief to know Trevor wasn’t the only one who’d felt that way. To know that despite how confident he appeared, Skyler was equally as nervous about taking the leap from friends to something more again.

Not that it was a very big leap. Even in the times they were supposed to be just friends, the lines between them have always been blurry.

“Well?” Skyler asks softly.

Trevor shakes himself out of his own head. “It’s…” Heartbreaking. Beautiful. Everything. “It’s so good. You should definitely put it on the album.”

He knows he should say more, wants to tell him that he was terrified, but also that he isn’t so much anymore. That he’s willing to let himself be a little scared, let himself be vulnerable, in order to keep trying with Skyler. But with all the emotions thrumming inside him, it’s hard to get the words out.

After Skyler puts the guitar away, he comes back over and gives him an almost disappointed look. Like he was expecting something deeper too. So Trevor carefully pulls him in by the bottom of his T-shirt and kisses him. Slow, purposeful. Hoping the kiss tells Skyler everything he needs to know.

Then he announces he’s going to get dressed, and leaves Skyler there in the music room.

He’s not running away. Really, he’s not. He’s simply walking away because he’s still only wearing damp swim trunks and a towel, and it’s chilly in here. And fine, maybe he also needs a minute alone. Sometimes Skyler amazes him so much he doesn’t know how to handle it.

Up in their bedroom—not sure when he started thinking of it as their bedroom—Trevor drops the towel and his trunks to the floor and searches for a pair of boxers in Skyler’s underwear drawer. He laid his stuff on top originally, but with Skyler digging for his own underneath, everything’s gotten mixed up together. Maybe they should rearrange things so he can have his own drawer. The room’s big enough that they could put in another dresser if they had to (hell, they could put in five), but for now, a drawer would be nice.

As he’s pulling out his boxers, his knuckles knock against something hard. Curious, he feels for the object, until his fingers wrap around a tiny velvet box.

He’s holding it in his hand.

He shouldn’t open it, but he does.

And really, he doesn’t know what else he was expecting to find, but when he sees the silver engagement band with the thin row of diamond inlays, Trevor’s brain short circuits.

He drops the box and fumbles to catch it before it hits the floor.

What the hell?

Scratch everything he thought this afternoon. Even if their relationship isn’t starting from scratch, they just got back together. They were apart for five years, for fuck’s sake. How can Skyler expect him to be ready for marriage so soon?

Marriage.

Trevor’s already been married. And it was like a bad joke.

Sure, it’d be different with Skyler, because it would be so much more real. But that’s the scary part.

Marriage.

It’s crazy, right?

He’s still standing there, stunned, underwear in one hand, jewelry box in the other, when a distressed squeak alerts him to Skyler’s presence.

“That’s not what it looks like.”

“Um.” Trevor glances down at the box and back up at Skyler. “It looks like an engagement ring.”

“Right. Well. It is. But it’s not for you.”

Trevor’s eyebrows shoot up.

Skyler shakes his head frantically. “No, wait! I mean. It’s, er, it’s not for you now.”

“Uh.” Even though he was shocked by the ring in the first place, Trevor’s heart pangs, wondering what he could have done to make Skyler change his mind already.

“Hold on, I can explain,” Skyler says, looking distressed as he steps closer. “Could you put that down?” He juts his head toward the ring box, and Trevor reluctantly sets it on the dresser. “And can you please, um, not be naked? It’s distracting.”

Trevor forces a wry smile before slipping into his boxers. He gives Skyler an is this better look, but Skyler gives a tiny shake of his head. So he opens one of the bottom dresser drawers, a little weary of what else he might find, and takes out a pair of joggers to put on. Then for good measure—or possibly to stall a bit longer because he’s afraid of what he’s about to hear—he goes into the closet and grabs the first shirt he can reach, one of Skyler’s old music tees. Tugging it over his head, he steps back into the bedroom and then crosses his arms.

Skyler shifts his weight from foot to foot. “So I’ve had the ring for years.”

“Years?”

“Yeah.” Skyler tugs on the end of one of his curls. “I bought it back then, when we were together the first time.”

Trevor tightens his arms across his chest as if he can prevent his wild heart from beating right out of it. Because that’s…

That is not what he expected to hear.

Their conversation in New York about the photoshopped wedding picture comes back to him. I wanted it to be true as much as they did.

Apparently, Skyler really meant that.

“But—uh,” he stammers, trying to make sense of this. “But we were so young.”

“So?” Skyler shrugs as if he didn’t just fundamentally alter Trevor’s view of the past. “I didn’t need to be any older to know it was you. It’s always been you.”

His heart flutters gently at those words. But he needs to sit down. He moves past Skyler and sinks onto the edge of the bed.

Years ago, Skyler had gone out and bought him an engagement ring. Skyler had wanted to marry him. Maybe it shouldn’t be as shocking as it is. They used to talk about their future together as if it was a done deal. But still.

Back then, before things got really bad, Trevor knew Skyler was the one. Believed they’d last forever. And he always assumed he’d be the one to propose when the time came. But he hadn’t bought a ring. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that the time could be then.

But Skyler had.

And now Skyler’s watching him with concerned eyes, waiting for his reaction. Wondering, maybe, if Trevor’s going to freak out about this.

He has to say something.

He reaches out a hand and waits for Skyler to come forward and take it. Skyler’s touch grounds him, gives him the courage to say, “Just so you know. It’s always been you for me too.”

A smile spreads rapidly across Skyler’s face, but then it falls. “But you… you stopped fighting for us.”

Ouch.

“I know,” Trevor admits, squeezing Skyler’s hand. “Because I was a coward. But breaking up was never what I wanted. Never. All I ever wanted was you.”

“You wanted a family,” Skyler points out.

“Yeah. But I could have had that with you.”

It doesn’t hurt anymore, thinking about the child he might have had with Sierra. The only hurt he feels is over what he and Skyler were supposed to have. Everything they could have had if they’d never given up. A pile of kids and all the simple trappings of suburbia.

Maybe it’s not too late.

They lost years together, but they can still have a future. He wants that.

“Yeah,” Skyler says, his free hand falling to Trevor’s knee. “You and me and our kids in Iowa. Or Minnesota. Wherever it was. Target runs and soccer practice and backyard barbeques. Remember?”

Trevor’s heart swells at knowing Skyler remembers their plan, and all he can do is nod, trying in vain to prevent the tears from welling up in his eyes.

He wants to apologize for letting everything get so messed up. But they’ve been through this already, and he knows neither one of them should fully take the blame. Still. “I guess I was young and foolish.”

Skyler tightens his grip on Trevor’s knee. “It’s okay. We both were.” He lets out a half-hearted laugh. “Who buys an engagement ring when they’re twenty-one, right?”

Trevor leans forward and buries his face in Skyler’s stomach. He’s not sure Skyler understood him. Because he didn’t mean it was foolish to think their love was something special that could last through everything.

No.

It was only foolish to let other people convince him that it wasn’t.