Page 96 of Guarded Knight

She huffs a laugh, but it fades almost instantly. Her arms stay wrapped tight around herself as if she’s holding in more than just the chill.

I sit on the edge of the bed, keeping some space between us. Not because I want to. Because I have to.

“You okay?” I ask.

She gives a short nod. But her eyes don’t meet mine.

She swallows, staring toward the dark ceiling. “I thought it was Cameron. For weeks, I let myself believe it was him because… I could understand him. You know? That kind of selfish, sleazy guy, I’ve met him before. I could handle that.”

I don’t interrupt.

“But now,” she whispers, “I don’t know anything.”

Damn, I want to reach for her. “You’ve got people in your corner.”

The words hang between us, stretching the space tight.

Then there’s something new and raw behind her eyes. “Are we going to talk about it?”

I know exactly what she means, and it isn’t Cameron or Kevin or any of the storms we’ve been caught up in.

She wants to talk about us. I draw a slow breath and rest my elbows on my knees. The ache in my ribs has nothing to do with the day’s tension and everything to do with her.

“You want to?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” Her laugh is humorless. “I can’t stop thinking about it.” A beat. “Do you regret it?”

Her question is natural but somehow disgusts me at the same time. “I don’t regret anything. Do you?”

I rub a hand across the back of my neck. I didn’t feel like she was regretful…

“No. Not at all.” She takes my hand in hers and teases. “This time was a lot better than the barn.”

I palm my face. “I will never live that down.”

“Oh, Gabriel, I’ve been waiting years to have this kind of dirt on you.”

She shifts closer to me on the bed, and she grabs my hand. Her eyes are wide and waiting, but waiting for what? For me to say that we’re cool? To claim her? To tell her that being inside her was the single most spiritual experience I’ve ever had?

I settle for something that draws a line. We can’t do this again, even if I want to. “Whatever this is between us, Lara, it’s not casual. It never has been. I always thought we were supposed to end up together.”

She squeezes my hand. “Me, too.”

“But wanting you and being ready for you aren’t the same thing,” I admit. “I didn’t want to be the guy who took what he wanted without thinking about what came next.”

I can’t stop myself. I reach over, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. My fingers linger too long. I want her so badly, I think I might tear in two if I stay in this room.

“You scare the hell out of me, Firefly.” I kiss the back of her hand. “The man I once was is here in your eyes. I want to dive back into being that guy with my entire fucking soul. I don’t ever want you to think I don’t want this. Or you.”

But I’m not ready, maybe I’ll never be, and she doesn’t have time to waste on me.

She leans into my touch, eyes closing for the smallest beat.

“You don’t have to protect me from you,” she murmurs. “I know who you are.”

“No,” I’m gentle as I can be about this topic. “You know who Iwas. I’ve changed. War changes people. And it’s supposed to. It would be sick if it didn’t.”

“You don’t have to hide any of it from me. We’ve never really talked like this, but it doesn’t make me like you less to know you’re not okay.” She laughs lightly. “You know what my dad told Xander when he got married? He said if you really want to know someone, be there when things go to hell. You’ve always been there when things were hellish for me. I just… I know you think you’re different but you’re not. You’re still the same person.”