Page 46 of Guarded Knight

“Sometimes.” He exhales through his nose. “I didn’t want to drag you into the mess I became. Trust me, I would have come for you if I thought I deserved you.”

He looks up. Eyes dark. Haunted.

“But the thing is, the only way I was able to cope with the nightmares and grief was to keep moving. The Canyon only reminded me of things I lost, you, my mom… hell, my former self. And if I kept busy, my mind was occupied. Much of the workI did meant I didn’t sleep full nights, so the nightmares were limited. It was my coping mechanism, and I was terrified to stop because the couple of times I changed it up, it all returned with a vengeance.”

“I wish you would have let me help you.”

He shrugs. “I didn’t want to bring baggage into your life.” He glances around the stark room. “For obvious reasons.”

That’s ironic. “Well, you did anyway. Not going to lie. I was heartbroken.”

His whole body stills. The words hit him like I just cut the air out of his lungs. He drops his gaze, then shakes his head slowly. “Christ, Lara…” His voice is low, rough. “That’s the last thing I ever wanted, for you to carry that kind of hurt because of me.”

He swallows thickly, like he’s not sure whether to touch me or push me away from the wreckage he made. “I thought I was protecting you. I didn’t know what was in store for you, but whatever it was, I wanted it to be better than what I had on offer.”

His head drops as he braces on his knees, looking defeated.

It’s true, for as much as was going on with Gabriel, I had my demons, too. I was away at college and wondering if it was even worth it, staring down the barrel of my twenties. I still wasn’t on this medicine, and somehow always had my thirtieth birthday written on my tombstone.

I reach out and stroke his hair, and when he glances up. I want to soak up every ounce of sincerity in those hooded brown eyes.

I hope he sees mine, too. “So much of what happened, G, went without saying. I didn’t want to pressure you because you had alot on and vice versa. I guess I didn’t know it was your coping mechanism to be away. That was the part that hurt. Especially where I didn’t know how much longer we could have had. I would have at least wanted you as a friend.”

His gaze nearly eats me alive. “After that kiss, I didn’t know how to be your friend.”

The words steal the air straight out of my lungs. My heart lurches, wild and unsteady, and for one dizzy second, I see it all—the truth behind his silence, the reason for the distance, the possibility that it was never indifference but too much.

That kiss didn’t end us. It changed us.

The thought is almost too much to carry. And then the door clicks open.

“Sorry for the wait,” the doctor chirps. “I’m Dr. Lee…”

Gabriel rises and steps back, jaw tight, gaze on the floor.

It’s quietly devastating, the way he disappears… It’s cruel, how someone can sit three feet away and still feel galaxies out of reach.

12

The ride homewas nearly as quiet as the one to the hospital, save a long phone call from my sister, Shay, that ate up a huge portion of the ride.

After speaking to her, my talkative nephew and equally chatty brother-in-law, there wasn’t enough road left to get back to the truth I just told.

I never forgot about Lara. I never stopped wanting her but I never told her that because it seemed like it would have been controlling. Clutching that sweet Firefly in my hands until her light burned out in my dark, dark world. I had to let her go. Be cruel to be kind. I knew if I told her anything, she’d drop everything.

But now we’re in a new place. With a new problem. And I still can’t have her because she’s chasing her life and I’m finding mine by standing still.

At least the journey home wasn’t full of dread over the state of her health, like the one here was.

Dr. Lee was not only positive about the present but also about the future. The new medication for CF is nothing short of a miracle, and the thought of her with gray hair and wrinkles is even more breathtaking than the thought of her without.

We turn onto Main Street, stopping at Grenvista Trail, and I throw the truck into park.

Lara has her head against the passenger window, one leg curled beneath her, her fingers tracing the edge of her coat. I can’t help but imagine she’s been chewing on my confession.

She makes a move to open the door, and I stop her.

“I got it.”