Page 8 of Going Overboard

Okay, so I didn’t have one drink, I had two, from the bar inside the hotel, and lucky for me I did my make-up before I ordered them, so no adverse effects from drinking and eye-lining thankfully.

The crisps and biscuits I ate in the car have done little to line my stomach because I feel tipsy as hell, slightly unsteady on my heels, a little lighter in two ways.

First of all, being tipsy makes me feel emotionally lighter, like it might all be okay, but physically lighter too, like maybe I’m floating slightly.

Bottom line, the drinks are strong, so I might have to see if they have a free room I can check into, or spend a similar amount on a taxi back to Leeds.

Either way, unless the valet is also a taxi driver, or I eat enough cake to sober up in time, I don’t think I’ll be making the early exit I thought.

Still, better to do this with a little liquid courage than without. I just want today to go well, to be here for my friends, to not make a scene. A gentle cocktail buzz might be my ticket to letting it all wash over me. Here’s hoping.

It’s nice, out here in the marquee, because even though it’s sunny outside there’s a nice breeze dancing through the tent, just enough to take the edge off the heat.

I’ve been to marquee weddings that were basically like sitting inside a plastic oven, being slowly cooked – my friend Josie’s dad actually passed out doing his speech at her wedding, and we all thought it was the heat.

No one so much as looked at the dance floor until the sun had gone down that day.

They’ve done a great job with the summer flowers and the elegant table settings.

Round tables are dotted around, forming a sort of circle around the dance floor in the centre.

Not many people have taken their seats yet, they’re all congregating in the middle of the room, everyone chatting, kids running around the place excitably.

I like to see kids at a wedding, it always makes me feel a little sad, when they’re not included.

Or maybe I just don’t want to be the only one throwing a tantrum later.

I’m more than relieved to have been moved to sit with Kelsey and Neil at the table they’re on, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like their third wheel, the child they couldn’t find a babysitter for – not that they’re making me feel like I’m crashing or anything, but poor Kelsey is mummy-ing me, just a little, checking on me, making sure I’m okay.

I do appreciate it though. This would be a lot harder without her by my side.

The happy couple are here – and they really do look happy.

Kira looks stunning in her dress. I don’t know how she’s managed to make a white bridal gown look gothic but she’s nailed it somehow.

Then there is Al, a genuine mountain of a man, who has already ditched the jacket that was most likely preventing his muscles from flexing.

While Kira floats around effortlessly, meeting and greeting, Al breaks out his usual party tricks like lifting people up on chairs and miraculously managing not to get any of his fake tan on his white shirt collar.

I don’t know which one impresses me more.

I can get foundation on my collar by simply picking out what I’m wearing, never mind letting it rub against my skin as I go about my day.

I haven’t seen Todd since I spotted him in reception, not that I’m looking for him (I’m absolutely looking for him, I can’t help myself), but that suits me just fine.

If he were to vanish, would I even care?

I mean from the wedding but, to be honest, it would be much easier for me if he ceased to be a part of my world.

I’ve never dated so close to home before, it’s always been a case of breaking up, parting ways, and healing and moving on in my own space.

Bloody Todd though. He’s integrated in my life in a way that is inescapable.

Although I was friends with Al and Kira first, so really the decent thing for him to do would be to give me custody of this wedding, and space from him – and then the same for Kelsey and Neil’s wedding too.

Kelsey is my best friend, I’ve got more right to be there than him, he should just let me enjoy it, allow my friend to have a stress-free day – I wouldn’t say he had to disappear forever, but it’s only been two weeks.

‘I hope he has left,’ I mutter to Kelsey, having just told her all about how I spotted him earlier. ‘Wouldn’t that be nice.’

‘I kind of hope he has too,’ Kelsey replies. ‘I hate seeing you so stressed.’

Neil nods.

‘Yeah, if it were me who had broken up with Kels, I don’t think I’d have the balls to come here,’ Neil adds.

‘Erm, can we not talk about breaking up when we’re less than two weeks away from our wedding, please,’ Kelsey practically ticks him off. ‘Your cousin has already been freaking me out with her musings on what she would do if she was jilted at the altar.’

‘Well, I guess if I were to jilt you, you would either know before we set off, or I’d be trapped on a ship or an island with you so… ’

‘So you’re talking about it again – stop,’ Kelsey claps back, laughing a little this time.

‘That’s cousin Caroline?’ I check. ‘She keeps staring at me. I wasn’t expecting to see her here.’

‘Well, she’s here with her new boyfriend – Owen,’ Kelsey says, raising her eyebrows for effect.

Owen is one of Neil’s friends. Now that is dating too close to home – letting a member of your family date one of your friends. Imagine trying to consciously uncouple that one.

‘She’s very proud to be “no longer single”,’ Kelsey tells me with a look that says it all. ‘I’m sure she wants to tell you alllll about it.’

Caroline is one of those people who always finds the wrong thing to say in every scenario.

She’s sure that she’s right – even if she changes her mind, which is a spectacular skill when you think about it.

She’s also one of those people who makes herself feel better by making other people feel worse, because apparently the best way to detract from your own insecurities is to highlight someone else’s – and if they don’t have any, don’t worry, they will by the time Caroline is done.

Finally everyone starts shuffling towards their tables, finding their seats, and as the crowd clears I’m finally able to pick Todd out again – but he’s not alone.

He’s got a woman with him – a petite brunette bombshell.

The kind of girl they whip out on Love Island to make all of the female islanders sweat.

I know what you’re thinking, maybe she just happens to be walking in next to him, maybe they’re just friends – no, no, no.

For the avoidance of doubt they are holding hands.

The message they are sending is loud and clear. They’re a couple.

It’s been two fucking weeks .

‘Wow,’ Kelsey blurts, following my line of sight. ‘Talk about moving on fast.’

‘That’s Brody’s ex, Nikki,’ Neil tells me, one eyebrow raised.

‘Wait, who’s Brody again?’ I ask – not that it matters who she used to be with because she’s with Todd now, clearly.

‘My mate Brody,’ Neil replies. ‘You must have met him!’

‘Oh. Maybe.’ I pause. Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. It’s hard to care right now – I can’t even think straight. ‘Okay, so we really – as a group – need to start dating outside our friendship circle.’

I sigh, my eyes fixated on them as he gives her a playful twirl on the dance floor.

‘It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t parading her around like a trophy,’ Kelsey adds. ‘Brody’s hot. Todd is… well, yeah, no offence, but he’s just Todd. No offence to either of you.’

‘Some taken,’ I say with as much of a laugh as I can muster right now.

‘I’m not offended, Brody is my hottest friend,’ Neil jokes – maybe half jokes.

‘Anyway, it’s fine, because me and Todd are over, and so what if he moves on today or next month or next year – we’re done, and I’m fine,’ I insist.

‘Is it really fine?’ Kelsey checks, sounding like she doesn’t quite believe me, and very obviously reading my mind.

‘Absolutely, all good, he’s over me, I’m over him, he’s moving on – I’ll move on too,’ I rant.

‘I could introduce you to some of my single mates,’ Neil suggests. ‘A few of them are here today…’

‘Yes, please, I want all of them,’ I say immediately. A little too quickly, perhaps, and it does sound a little bit like I want to get it on with multiple men at this wedding, so maybe I need to watch my phrasing when I’m tipsy and hurt. ‘But first, I think I’ll go get a drink,’ I suggest .

‘Shall I come wi?—’

‘No, no, all good,’ I interrupt Kelsey. ‘Back in a sec.’

I stand up, steadying myself on my heels.

I love these shoes – big chunky white pumps with a monster heel, but as a rule I only wear them if I’m not planning on drinking, because it takes just that little bit of extra concentration to stay steady in them.

Sober, absolutely fine, tipsy like I am now is asking for trouble.

Drunk… being drunk in these shoes is like turning up to your job drunk – if your job is an acrobat at the circus.

I skulk around the edge of the marquee like a crab, walking sideways so I can keep an eye on the room, making sure Todd doesn’t spot me, because the last thing I want is to meet his new bird.

I’m not mentally prepared for that, not today, the rug has been fully pulled.

I need a minute – and a drink – to compose myself.

When I reach the bar, I grip it like it might run away if I don’t.

‘What’s the strongest drink you’ve got?’ I ask the barman.

He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t hesitate.

‘A Yorkshire Rose,’ he replies, grinning. ‘If you have two of them.’

‘Then I will have two Yorkshire Roses – thank you,’ I inform him, my voice all la-di-da.

He slides them across the bar. I immediately down one while he’s still prepping the card reader.

‘You looked like you needed that,’ he says, with a laugh. ‘Don’t you like weddings?’

‘This one, not so much,’ I reply. ‘Actually – could I get one more, please? For my friend.’

My friend being, of course, me.

‘For your friend,’ he replies. ‘Of course.’

He doesn’t even blink. My kind of guy.

Back at the table I can feel Kelsey eyeballing my two drinks .

‘Jessa… are you really okay?’ she asks.

‘Absolutely fine,’ I reply brightly – too brightly, like staring-at-the-sun bright.

‘I know you’re not great when you have multiple drinks,’ she says quietly, leaning in towards me so no one else at our table can hear now that everyone is sitting down.

‘They’re just really good drinks,’ I reply. ‘I could go get more, if you fancy one?’

‘Back to the bar already?’ Neil teases me. ‘Do I need to confiscate your car keys?’

Hilarious. Like I would ever be so stupid to drink and drive. I’m obviously going to have to book a room, or get an expensive taxi home – I’ll do whichever (ideally the cheaper of the two though).

‘Don’t worry, the valet has them, and after a few more of these I can’t imagine him giving them back to me, can you?’ I joke.

‘What?’ he replies, clearly not getting it.

‘The valet has my keys safe and sound,’ I tell him.

The part of the gardens where the marquee is looks over the fountain, and the entrance where you drive in. Neil glances that way then back to me.

‘The valet,’ I say again. ‘The guy who parks your car for you.’

‘Jessa, there is no valet here,’ Neil informs me, suddenly completely straight-faced. ‘Have you… have you given your car to a random man?’

Oh, shit.

‘Jessa, are you sure you’re okay?’ Kelsey says again.

‘Yes, of course, I was just joking,’ I say, nudging Kelsey, laughing. ‘Oh, the looks on your faces.’

I take a sip of my drink to try and hide the look on my own face.

Because I did, I absolutely did, I gave my car to a random man.

But he was standing by the sign, wearing a name badge – Ryan, that’s it!

And he took my keys. Of course he did. I practically thrust them at him.

Can you report a car as stolen if you, erm, gave it away?

Right, no, okay, let’s just… no one can find out about this.

No one here. They’ll all think I’m pathetic and that I’m having a breakdown – they might even think I’m doing it for attention, having someone ‘steal’ my car so that I can make a fuss and get sympathy.

No, no, no. I’ll park it for the moment, no pun intended, and then slink off to reception when I can do it under the radar.

Okay, I’m definitely going to need more of these drinks.

And presumably a new car.

I can’t believe I’ve done this – on today of all days.