Page 17 of Going Overboard

I know that the ship has multiple dining rooms but this one that we’re walking through now is exactly what I think of when I imagine a cruise ship dining room.

Elegant as hell, high ceilings, chandeliers, white tablecloths with polished cutlery.

I thought it sounded silly, when I heard you had to dress for dinner here, but now that I’m in it I would feel so out of place in anything but my finery – well, my fine-ish-ery.

Brody has scrubbed up really well, in his black suit, his unruly hair slicked into something neat for the occasion.

All of the men in here are wearing dinner jackets – even the waitstaff.

There’s a bloody string quartet in the corner, which is waaaay too Titanic for my liking, but oh-so fancy at the same time.

The air smells like wine and food and money – not literally like coins, just, like, expense. Expensive booze, expensive food, expensive perfumes and aftershaves. God, I hope the food is as nice as everything else is leading me to believe.

We’re meeting Kelsey and Neil, Al and Kira, and Todd and Nikki.

I suppose it was always going to be the eight of us at the table, before we went all wife-swap.

Kira is a friend of mine and Kelsey’s – she’s Kelsey’s other bridesmaid – and Al and Neil are friends.

Brody is friends with them both, and I guess Todd knows him, but Nikki has never been a part of our group.

I guess she was in the mix, as Brody’s girlfriend, and now as Todd’s – otherwise she wouldn’t even be here.

I’m not even sure Todd would have a seat at the table, had he not been with me for the last year or so.

At least I have friends here, real friends, unlike Nikki.

I might not have a boyfriend but I do feel secretly glad that I have Brody here by my side, my bodyguard – I’m literally wearing him like armour right now.

I just feel like while we’re pretending to be together he’s like a shield for me, someone who – just by standing next to me – shows people that I’m over it, and I’m doing well, and I’m moving on.

I’m unflappable – even if I am flapping on the inside.

It’s just such a mess, and I suppose it’s only going to get messier before it gets better – sort of like when you empty the contents of your wardrobe, to tidy it, only to make your room look like a bomb has hit it.

Take tonight, for example. Not only do we have to navigate convincing our friends that we’re the hot new couple on the scene (hopefully stealing Todd and Nikki’s thunder) but we still need to have a conversation about sleeping arrangements.

There’s only one bed in our room, because of course there is, so I’m not sure what we’re going to do about that one.

A problem for future Jessa, let’s leave it at that.

I glance at Brody as we walk arm in arm.

He looks so chilled out, like he was born to be here, and super composed.

Whereas I am bricking it about putting on a show for my best friends, because surely they can see right through me, especially Kelsey.

You would think there was no way I could convince her I was in love when I wasn’t.

‘You look… smug,’ I mutter as we approach the table.

He just laughs .

‘You look… terrified,’ he replies. ‘And like you’re punching.’

‘That’s because I am,’ I tell him. ‘Terrified, I mean. Not punching.’

I know he’s just saying it to wind me up, because exchanging insults is apparently our thing now, but I will be punching if he doesn’t knock it off.

‘Just try to relax,’ he says, giving my arm a bit of a squeeze. ‘It’ll be easy. We’ll just ad-lib some bullshit, they’ll lap it up.’

I whip my head around to face him.

‘Oh my God, no, that’s an awful plan,’ I tell him. ‘Some bullshit isn’t going to cut it. just leave the talking to me, yeah?’

‘But I’m so good at it,’ he says with a playful pout.

‘You’re really not,’ I reply. ‘Quality, not quantity.’

Brody just shakes his head.

We’re nearly at the table. Kelsey has spotted us, she’s waving us over, and Neil is smiling beside her.

Al’s already got his jacket off, so no surprises there, and Kira’s on the wine already.

And then there’s them. Todd and Nikki. Ugh.

I still can’t believe they’re here, together, and I’m having to put up with them.

Nikki is wearing a red silky dress that is hugging her like it loves her.

Her body is probably as close to perfect as a person can get, so it’s no surprise she has men falling at her feet.

Brody is perfectly chiselled too, they make sense together.

Not me though. Nikki looks like she could model for Versace. I look like the lass from the logo.

We all exchange hellos as Brody and I reach our table. He steps forward to pull my chair out for me, tucking it in as I sit down. Okay, so maybe he’s not so bad at this stuff after all.

‘Look at you two!’ Kelsey says, smiling widely. ‘I can’t believe it.’

‘None of us can,’ Nikki chimes in.

I ignore her .

Todd isn’t saying much. He’s staring down at his whisky, swirling it like the instructions for how to deal with this situation might be lurking in the bottom of the glass.

I notice Kelsey grinning at me from across the table.

It makes me happy and sad to see that she looks so, so happy for me.

I’ll bet she has a lot of questions, like why didn’t I tell her that Brody and I were a thing, and while the answer is quite obviously that the reason I didn’t tell her is because it’s not true, I need to make her believe it, just for now, just until the wedding of her dreams is over.

Then Brody and I can break up, I’ll say he cheated on me, or had super gonorrhoea, or got super gonorrhoea while he was cheating on me – bottom line, it will be his fault, because while he might look like more of a catch on paper, he also looks like the one more likely to cheat.

As far as I’m concerned, he’s got ‘dump me’ written all over him.

I’m not surprised Nikki ditched him for Todd – I was going to say sweet, dependable Todd, but he wasn’t fucking sweet or dependable for me in the end. Perhaps he’ll do better with her.

‘So… this is new,’ Kira says, eyeing the two of us over the top of her wine glass.

‘So is that,’ Al adds, jerking his head towards Todd and Nikki as he smirks to himself.

Kira jabs him in the ribs with her elbow, hard. He doesn’t look like he even feels it.

Brody smiles like he’s enjoying this far too much.

‘Well, we just hit it off,’ he says casually. ‘At your wedding, actually. We’ve been inseparable ever since, haven’t we, princess?’

Ugh, I wish he wouldn’t call me princess. I know, it sounds sweet, and it’s probably good for the act, but I know it’s him teasing me over the stupid valet parking thing. What can I call him that he’ll hate just as much?

‘Yep, inseparable,’ I reply .

‘In all ways,’ he announces.

‘Okay, boo, they don’t need to hear about that,’ I say, placing a hand on his arm, squeezing it just hard enough to tell him to cool it on that front for now.

‘I find that hard to believe,’ Nikki chimes in.

‘Do you though?’ Brody replies, his dimples deepening as he tries to stifle his smile.

‘That you’re so serious, so quickly,’ she adds.

I tilt my head and smile.

‘Well, it’s only a week less than you and Todd have been together,’ I point out, saying it like I really do believe that true love can take hold in a week or two.

Except I don’t. Not at all. There is just no way that Todd and Nikki got together after they broke up with me and Brody. That would be wild, to figure it out in a couple of weeks, fresh out of their perfectly synchronised break-ups. Come on!

‘Go on then, what could you two possibly have in common?’ Todd asks, folding his arms as he leans back in his chair. ‘You hate sport.’

‘So what?’ I reply, shrugging it off.

‘So I didn’t think you’d ever date a professional sportsman,’ Todd says.

I can’t help but turn to look at Brody because I obviously didn’t know that about him. He gives me a wink.

‘I mean, who wouldn’t want to date a professional sportsman?’ I say, turning back to Todd, keeping my game face on.

‘I’m sure Brody won’t mind me saying this,’ Nikki pipes up, ‘given how we’ve all moved on… but he’s the self-proclaimed bad boy of cricket.’

‘No, the press call me that,’ Brody corrects her.

Can that even be a thing? I thought cricketers were sensible and posh. I definitely didn’t think it had bad boys .

‘The point is…’ Nikki continues, looking me in the eye now. ‘…he’ll never settle down. That’s why we broke up.’

‘Okay, come on,’ Kelsey says quickly, nipping it in the bud. ‘It doesn’t matter, does it? We’re all adults here. We can do what we want.’

I need to say something, to speak up for myself, to defend my man, to take control of the situation. And I know just the thing.

‘Maybe he was just waiting for the right girl,’ I suggest as I straighten up my cutlery.

I daren’t even look at Nikki. I’ll bet she’s furious. Serves her right though – both of them – because supposedly they’ve moved on, so why is it me and Brody who are the main topic of conversation?

‘And the right girl is right here,’ Brody adds, reaching out to take my hand. ‘And we have loads in common. Like, the fact that you come to the gym with me every morning without fail. The couple that trains together stays together, don’t they?’

He smiles at me. I can see the mischief behind his eyes. We’re in the thick of it, thinking on our feet, barely keeping it together and he’s using it as an opportunity to mess with me. Well, two can play at that game.

‘I love working up a sweat with you,’ I reply to him. ‘And I love how in touch with your feminine side you are with me. We love a spa treatment, don’t we? We’re pretty much going to live in the ship spa, aren’t we? Getting all kinds of treatments together.’

‘Brody… in a spa…’ Nikki says in disbelief.

‘All right, all right, their relationship is their business, let’s just get back to dinner,’ Neil says. ‘Shouldn’t we be talking about us, if we’re talking about anyone?’

He laughs to let us know he’s sort of joking. He’s not wrong though.

‘Well, just to let you all know, our plan while we’re aboard is to split our time between our family and our friends,’ Kelsey informs us. ‘That way, when we get to Sicily, we don’t feel guilty about not spending enough time with either group.’

There aren’t many people who will be at the wedding actually on the cruise, this is just for their family, their close friends… and Todd and Nikki, I guess.

‘Well, I know me and this little firecracker can keep ourselves entertained the rest of the time,’ Brody says, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek.

‘Oh, you bet, big boy,’ I reply as I ruffle his hair.

Brody smiles as he straightens his hair up again. He won’t have liked that.

It’s a strange game we’re playing: trying so desperately to pretend we’re in love to everyone but each other. At the same time, desperately trying to make clear that we don’t even like each other really.

And then there is everyone at the table, every last one of them sitting in silence, staring at us, like they can’t quite figure us out. Perhaps we’ll have to try harder, to lean more into to the love side of our love/hate relationship, but only for our audience, of course.

So long as people believe we’re in love, I don’t care if they think it’s weird.

We’re doing it, the show is on the road, and it’s working.

Kelsey seems happy, which is what I care about more than anything, and Todd and Nikki seem miserable.

I know, petty of me, but a little bit of bitterness keeps you young.

And I would be lying if I said it wasn’t fun, because it really is, even pretending with a himbo like Brody, it feels dangerous, kind of bonkers, but so, so much fun.

I just need to get through the next week, and I’ll deal with the fallout later when I’m back on dry land.

I just need to keep up the act… and probably never call anyone ‘big boy’ again.