Page 27 of Going Overboard

There is definitely a vibe in the suite tonight, and it’s not a good one.

Well, after our little performance at the dance lesson, both Todd and Nikki seem really put out, but they’re not just taking it out on me and Brody, they’re taking it out on each other too.

Sort of in their defence – not that I would ever tell them this, or defend them in any way generally – they are trying to compete with my and Brody’s relationship when in reality they can’t, because ours isn’t real, it’s made-up.

It seems like a perfect dream, because it is just that, a dream, a work of fiction – sort of like I do at work, I’m telling a story, presenting a version of reality that looks great.

Everything I do is supposed to make the people on the outside look in and want it, have to have it, that’s how you get the sale.

I’m selling something to Todd and Nikki that they can’t actually buy and, do you know what, it couldn’t really happen to a nicer couple, could it?

Still, it’s awkward in here, sort of like when your parents argue in front of you and you don’t know where to look .

Maybe it’s karma, maybe it’s because I had two desserts or maybe it’s both, but the ocean is being especially rough this evening and I’m feeling kind of sick.

‘I’m just going to get some air,’ I tell Brody, who is currently making himself a cup of tea – he’s making Nikki one too, because she asked, and Todd didn’t look happy about that one bit.

In fact, he’s sitting in an armchair, staring at them, keeping a close eye just in case – I don’t know – Brody leaves a hidden message in the tea leaves for Nikki.

‘No worries,’ he replies.

I’ve looked it up and, as far as I can tell, the best cure for seasickness is to get some fresh air, so I’m heading out onto the balcony for a breather.

You know what, I feel better already, just for taking a big gulp of sea air – or perhaps the air is thicker in there, harder to breathe, from all the tension.

You just can’t beat that smell, can you? If I were born 100 years earlier, I’d be the kinda woman they called hysterical and threw in the ocean to try and cure me. Or to see if I floated.

Yeah, it’s much nicer out here, alone, chilling with my thoughts – so long as I don’t look at the chop below, that is.

It’s all well and good on board the ship until you think about it too much and you start questioning how it works, how it stays afloat, how it moves, how deep the water is, if there’s a storm coming – I can do this all day.

Instead I focus on the beauty. The stars in the sky – more than I’ve ever seen in my life – the brightness of the moon, the way it reflects on the water, and the cool feeling of the metal railing underneath my bare arms.

Just as I’m starting to feel more grounded – ironically – I hear the door open and close behind me. I’m expecting Brody, obviously, but it’s Todd who leans on the railing next to me, resting his arms next to mine.

For a moment he looks out to sea, not saying a word. Then…

‘Hi,’ he says simply, gently even, like he doesn’t quite remember how to talk to me now.

He sounds deflated. Not that he’s usually a happy-go-lucky-sounding kind of guy but he’s never had any trouble being moody. When his heart is heavy it somehow tugs on his vocal cords, apparently, because his voice changes.

‘Hi,’ I reply, matching his tone.

He seems like he’s fidgeting a little, like he’s trying to say something, but it’s not coming out.

We never used to have any trouble talking to each other, he’s always been the kind of guy to say exactly what he thinks, but I guess we’re not the same people we used to be – not together anyway.

‘You doing all right?’ he asks after a moment or two, a weird mix of casual and concerned.

I let his question hang in the sea air for a moment because, honestly, what the fuck does he want me to say?

‘Fine,’ I tell him. We’ll leave it at that.

‘Are you sure about that?’ he asks, turning to face me.

I match his pose, looking him in the eye.

God, it’s like I don’t even recognise him.

How is it possible that a person’s face changes when you stop loving them (or start hating them, anyway)?

The features that once warmed your heart suddenly give you the ick.

The deep blue eyes I used to love looking in suddenly seem so empty and pathetic.

The way his mouth turns downwards like he’s always frowning, like he permanently looks sorry for himself.

‘Todd, I’m fine,’ I say again.

‘Okay, but are you happy?’ he asks, catching me off guard .

I puff air from my cheeks. Am I happy? A month ago I thought I had my life all figured out.

Now I’m untethered, with no idea where I’m headed.

Sort of like if this ship didn’t have a captain, steering it towards our destination.

I’m an unmanned vessel on the path to fucking nowhere.

Not that I literally need a man, to know where I’m headed, but you take my point.

‘I think so,’ I say.

Why did I say that? Why didn’t I just lie?

‘You think so?’ he repeats back to me, his eyebrows knitting together for a second or two.

‘Well, you know, my boyfriend did break up with me fairly recently, on the dance floor at a wedding if you can believe anyone could be so cruel, and it took me by surprise.’

He winces. Good. It was a horrible thing to do, he deserves to feel guilty about it. It’s sort of vindicating, to see even a flicker of remorse, because up until now he’s been all about himself, about his happiness, whether I was collateral damage or not.

‘You made your decision and I’m just living with it,’ I tell him. ‘Just like you are.’

‘What if…’ he starts, looking back inside through the glass.

Brody and Nikki are on the sofa, facing each other, talking – not that we can hear them.

I watch as Nikki reaches out, her hand finding Brody’s, their fingers entwining.

He doesn’t pull away. In fact, it looks like he’s smiling, a genuine curve of his lips that feels like a knife twisting in my chest for some reason.

Todd must see it too because he puffs air from his cheeks. Then he turns back to me.

‘I know it’s complicated, that we’ve let things get a bit… messy,’ he says. ‘But we had a plan, Jessa. A real one. We were going to build our dream house, the one we’ve always talked about. Get married. Start a family. It wasn’t just talk, it was our future. What happened? ’

‘I mean, not to be a cow about it, but you fucking dumped me, Todd,’ I say plainly. ‘I didn’t abandon the plan, you did.’

‘Then perhaps I shouldn’t have,’ he replies, his tone much more confident now. ‘Perhaps I made a mistake. People panic, don’t they, when they think they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with one person?’

‘I mean, look at our friends, Kelsey and Neil, Al and Kira – they’re tying the knot, willingly, without so much as a panic attack to make them rethink their life choices,’ I tell him.

‘Perhaps it takes a mistake to realise you’ve made one,’ he says.

I pull a face, as if to say: give over.

‘I just mean that, if everything happens for a reason, maybe I need this… this blip, to get into a good place, to be able to go for what I really want,’ he says. ‘You.’

The silence that follows is almost suffocating, like we’re in a vacuum all of a sudden.

I mean, come on, what does he want me to say?

Does he think Celine Dion’s ‘It’s All Coming Back to Me Now’ is going to start playing and I’m going to throw myself at him?

Because I’d sooner chuck him overboard, ‘My Heart Will Go On’ style, like there’s only enough room on this balcony for one of us to survive.

Because that’s how I feel, right? I don’t want him back…

It’s hard not to compare him to Brody, to his good points anyway, but that’s dumb, because Brody and I are not a real couple, and even if we were, it’s starting to look like Nikki might be trying to get him back too.

Are they allowed to do that? To make a mistake, to blow everything up, have their cake and eat it and then get their old life back? Only if we let them, I guess.

‘Just… think about it,’ he says, clearing his throat. ‘Please. Just promise me you’ll think about it, because we can get it back, we ca n get the dream back on track. Seeing you here, with Brody, it’s given me a clarity I didn’t have before.’

I chew my lip, unsure how to reply to that.

‘I think I need to go to bed,’ I say. ‘Get some sleep. I can’t think straight with this seasickness.’

‘Right, okay, good thinking,’ he replies. ‘Sleep on it, see how you feel tomorrow.’

As I head back inside, I notice that Nikki and Brody are still chatting, his hand still in hers. As I walk through the door, he quickly snatches it back – whatever that means.

‘I’m going to bed,’ I say, my voice steady, cold even, as I head for the bedroom.

I don’t give either of them the chance to reply, and it’s my turn in the bed tonight so my plan is to get in it as quickly as possible and go straight to sleep – or pretend to be at least, because I don’t think I want to speak to anyone else tonight.

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.