Page 20 of Going Overboard

Despite getting up early this morning for what turned out to be a sparring session in the gym, I actually feel great, and I think it might be all thanks to the bed in our suite.

Even after Brody seemingly beat the hell out of it, I think it only made it comfier, like beating pillows or tenderising meat.

I’ll never understand why people say they slept like a baby because I remember what my little brother was like when he was a baby and he screamed all night long.

Really, going off what it was like in my family home, a more appropriate way of saying I had an amazing, uninterrupted night of sleep would be to say: I slept like a dad.

The bed was great, the pillows perfectly plump, the sheets felt so good on my skin.

And, best of all, I didn’t have to share it.

I could stretch out, move to the cool side, starfish – the works.

I could almost feel sorry for poor Brody, after his night in the bath, but I doubt he’d feel sorry for me, so screw him.

‘My spine is ruined,’ he groans for the – I don’t know – eighth or ninth time, dragging his feet as we hit up the breakfast buffet. ‘ Completely destroyed. I’m an athlete, Jessa. I have to take care of my body.’

I glance down at his plate and notice that he’s got four croissants on it.

‘Then why are you eating four croissants?’ I ask, deadpan.

‘For energy,’ he replies. ‘And for morale.’

I’ve been there, I can’t say anything about that. In fact, maybe I need more croissants.

You really can’t beat a breakfast buffet, can you?

Even the bad ones struggle to be truly terrible, because there’s always something good to have for breakfast, even if it’s just a tiny box of cereal in a hotel followed by toast that you get to feed through that fun little conveyor belt toaster yourself.

Here is a double win though because it’s not just a breakfast buffet, it’s an incredible breakfast buffet, with everything you could possibly want – and the best version of it at that.

They even have a chef, behind a serving hatch, who is constantly replenishing the hot items, making sure they stay warm, and cooking the eggs to order which is great, because I love to dip my toast in my egg – like a child.

I load up my plate with enough fruit and yogurt to justify the unhealthy items I have, whereas for Brody it’s all protein – and his pile of mood-boosting pastries, of course.

Our plates piled suitably high, we look for somewhere to sit.

We’re supposed to be meeting Kelsey, Neil and the gang to make a plan for today.

I wonder what they’ll have in store for us.

Not that I don’t want to hang out with them, but I am looking forward to exploring more of the ship on my own – the fun stuff, not the gym.

‘I don’t think they’re here yet,’ Brody says. ‘But Nikki and Todd are, and they’ve seen us. ’

He nods towards their table and, yep, they’ve definitely spotted us.

‘Ugh, do we have to join them?’ I check. ‘Can’t we at least wait for Kelsey and Neil, or Al and Kira – anyone, just to not be alone with them.’

‘Nah, we should sit with them, show them how unbothered we are,’ he replies. ‘If we retreat now, they’ll realise.’

‘Or they’ll think that we just don’t like them,’ I reply.

‘Which I would define as being bothered,’ he says. ‘Whereas joining them means we’re too wrapped up in ourselves to even think of them.’

I follow his lead but, honestly, I think I’d probably sooner go back to the gym.

We make our way over, all smiles, and take our seats opposite them.

‘Morning,’ I say brightly.

‘Good morning,’ Brody adds, moaning theatrically as he sits down. I don’t even think his back is that bad, I think he’s trying to psych me out, because I’ll be sleeping in there tonight.

Nikki scowls at him.

‘Rough night,’ he tells them, just in case they were wondering – I’m sure they weren’t.

‘Yeah, well, we’re not surprised,’ Nikki replies, clearly annoyed about something.

‘Yep, we heard,’ Todd replies. ‘Loud and clear.’

‘You heard what?’ I ask, no idea what they’re on about.

Todd clears his throat awkwardly.

‘We heard you, last night, after dinner,’ he says. ‘In fact, I need to talk to you both about it, because you were being incredibly disrespectful.’

‘What?’ I reply. ‘Why? What are you on about? ’

I’m sure there is a more polite way to ask, but it’s Todd, and I’m not up for his riddles today.

‘We heard you. In your room,’ he says, leaning in, lowering his voice.

‘You… what?’

I turn to Brody and notice that he’s sniggering. What am I missing here?

‘Princess, they heard us, in our room, last night… our bed activities… y’know?’ Brody prompts me.

Oh, God, okay, I’m there. He heard us moving the bed except, from the look on his face – on both his and Nikki’s faces – they clearly think they heard us having sex, which…

yeah, fair enough, the banging, the grunting, the things we were saying.

I’m pretty sure I was saying ‘harder’ quite a lot – I even think I told Brody to ‘destroy it’ at some point.

My instinct is to set them straight, but this doesn’t exactly hurt the story we’re trying to tell, does it?

I never would have had the guts to intentionally fake having sex with Brody but, well, if I’ve done it by accident, we’ll call that a win.

And it is a win, just looking at their faces, how horrified they are…

‘So gross,’ Nikki says. ‘Honestly, you’re just showing off at this point.’

Brody just shrugs it off with a grin.

‘That was just the warm-up,’ he says.

‘Well, if you can save the main event until we’re not sharing a suite,’ Todd suggests. ‘You two certainly wouldn’t like it, if we were doing the same.’

Bold of Todd to think he could even put in a performance half as good (or half as long, to be honest with you) as Brody sounded last night.

Kelsey arrives just in time to save us from our awkward moment, setting her bowl of fruit and granola down on the table .

‘I left Neil over by the pancakes,’ she says, sitting down beside me. ‘Frankly, it was embarrassing, the number of pancakes he was trying to fit on one plate. If he looked at me with as much love and adoration as he does pancakes, we might actually stay married forever.’

I laugh.

‘A man after my own heart,’ Brody says. ‘Also, I didn’t notice there were pancakes, so that’s my breakfast dessert sorted.’

‘How do you eat so much and stay in such good shape?’ Kelsey asks him.

‘Ah, I work up a sweat, don’t I, Jessa?’ he says, pulling the end off a croissant and popping it in his mouth.

Kelsey looks at me and smiles.

‘We went to the gym this morning,’ I tell her.

‘Then, truly, marry the man,’ Kelsey replies. ‘I can’t even get you to walk past a gym.’

‘Because I’ll probably sign up out of guilt and then never go,’ I reply.

‘That was always your problem, committing to things,’ Todd chimes in.

‘Yes, that was my problem, Todd, of course, I couldn’t commit to things,’ I say sarcastically.

‘Did you all sleep well?’ Kelsey asks.

‘Not really,’ Todd says.

‘No, we have noisy neighbours,’ Nikki adds.

Thankfully they don’t tell Kelsey that their noisy neighbours are me and Brody.

‘What about you, Brody, you look a little uncomfortable,’ Kelsey says.

‘Yeah, no, I’m okay, just… an awkward position, I think,’ he tells her .

‘Oh, aye, I’ve heard that one before,’ Kelsey jokes. ‘Jessa, you need to lay off the awkward positions, you’ll wear him out.’

I practically choke on my orange juice.

‘Or at the very least, don’t break him until after the wedding,’ she adds.

‘I’ll protect myself at all costs,’ Brody tells her playfully. ‘No harm will come to me.’

‘Says the man on his third croissant,’ I tease.

‘It sounds like he’s earned them,’ Kelsey replies.

‘Can we please stop talking about… such things at the breakfast table,’ Nikki insists. ‘You’re putting me off my banana.’

There is such an easy joke to make there but thankfully I’m above it.

‘So, what’s on the agenda today?’ Brody asks, changing the subject. ‘Have you got loads of fun wedding party activities for us?’

‘The wedding-related fun starts in a couple of days,’ Kelsey replies. ‘And it’s a surprise but I’m pretty sure you’ll all love it.’

God, I hope it’s a good one, I can’t take any more bad ones.

The thing is, Kelsey is definitely a wedding person, she loves everything about them, all of the traditions and the formalities.

If I get married – and yeah, it feels like something that will never happen now, thanks for reminding me – I can’t imagine wanting all of these things.

I’m not really into… the pomp, shall we say.

The flowers, the detailed dress codes, the frankly archaic tradition of tossing the bouquet into a pile of single girls – although maybe I only hate that one after I was (a) the only single girl at Al and Kira’s wedding and (b) that whole mess with Nikki, where she is adamant I rugby-tackled her. Ha, as if I could ever be so sporty.

I don’t know, for me, when it comes to weddings I just like the idea of having a party, a celebration with the people I love the most. I’d probably wear trainers, because as much as I love a heel I would want to enjoy running around talking to everyone, dancing, not falling over or into fountains – and doing so without bright red, achy, blistered feet.

For the food, do you know what, if I could get one of those pizza trucks – or five even, all churning out pizzas – and an ice cream van for dessert, how cool would that be?

Of course, not only would I need a man who shared my vision for a party that sort of sounds like a kid’s eleventh birthday party, but I would also need to find a man who would, y’know, marry me generally, and that sounds equally as hard.

For now I’ll have to settle for attending my friends’ weddings – and at least it will give me time to get more ideas of what I like, or what I really, really don’t like. The day my wedding has a fruit cake will be a cold day in hell, that’s for sure.

‘What did you have in mind for today?’ I ask, tearing myself away from my deluded daydreams.

‘We thought a day by the pool might be nice,’ she replies. ‘They’ve got games, sports stuff – that kind of thing. But you can just sit and chill if you don’t want to do anything sportsy.’

I open my mouth, to say she knows me so well, only for Brody to get in there first.

‘We love sports, don’t we, princess,’ he says as he gives my shoulder a squeeze.

‘Oh my God, can’t get enough,’ I reply.

‘Wow, you really are a changed woman,’ Kelsey replies.

‘Hmm, are you?’ Todd adds almost suspiciously.

‘Well, it will be fun, no matter who does what,’ Kelsey says. ‘And there’s no pressure.’

‘I don’t usually like games,’ Nikki pipes up. ‘But when I do play, I don’t mess around. I’m actually really good at playing games.’

Maybe it’s me, perhaps I’m paranoid, but that statement really felt like it was aimed at me, and I don’t think she was talking about pool games.

Well, two can play at that game (or should that be four?). I’m pretty good at playing games too, and so is Brody, if the internet is anything to go by.

I just smile sweetly before carrying on with my breakfast.

Brody reaches under the table and gives my leg a reassuring squeeze. At first I assume he’s doing it for our audience, but no one can actually see under the table, so I guess he really is just doing it to reassure me.

I tell you what, I’ll feel a lot better playing games knowing he’s on my team. How can we lose?