Page 29 of Going Overboard

Okay, either the sea air is getting to me, sleeping in a bath causes me to sleepwalk, or… someone is messing with me.

I suppose it’s to be expected, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes – but I’m not doing anything to sabotage the wedding plans. If what I think has happened is correct then Nikki is messing with the wedding, and that’s not cool at all.

Kelsey and Neil decided pretty early on that they were going to have a joint stag and hen party and, do you know what?

I’m here for it. Call me old-fashioned – or the opposite, I suppose – but I hate the idea of a couple starting married life after he gets a lap dance while chained naked to a lamp post, and she gets hit in the face with a stripper’s monster dong.

They knew we would be here with them so they thought it might be swanky for us all to spend an evening in the ship’s casino.

We were all instructed to bring evening wear, with a James Bond kind of vibe, so I bought myself a floor-length gold dress for the occasion.

I took it out of my bag, and it was a little creased, so I left it hung up in the living room .

Well, would you believe it, it’s gone. Vanished into thin air. Or found a life of its own and waltzed out. Or… Nikki stole it.

I’ll tell you why I’m suspicious of her (other than her just being a generally shady man-stealing chick), because I asked the boys if they had seen it and they said no.

I asked Nikki and she said: maybe the cleaner stole it, then again, maybe she thought it was rubbish and threw it away.

To say something so mean, come on, it had to be her.

I could’ve kicked off, accused her, thrown all of her clothes off the balcony – instead I have decided to show her that she can’t get to me (even if she actually can, quite easily).

I’m looking at the glass and it’s half full.

I get to go dress shopping for something even nicer – and, to add insult to injury for her, I’m going shopping with her ex-boyfriend.

Then again, she is sleeping with mine, so maybe she still wins that one.

I’m just trying to focus on the positives: like I said, I get to buy a new dress, and Brody is here and he’s got big strong arms for carrying loads of things.

‘Thanks for coming with me,’ I tell my emotional support sportsman.

‘It’s something to do,’ he says with a shrug. ‘I like exploring the ship, seeing what it has to offer.’

‘And yet we still haven’t been to the spa…’

‘Now, now, darling, we’ll get to it,’ he teases.

‘I am going to the gym every morning…’

‘I know, I know…’

As we arrive at the ship shop, it stops us both in our tracks.

‘Wow,’ I blurt.

Calling it a shop seems sort of silly now – I was imagining a gift shop but what I’m standing in is pretty much a department store.

There are so many spaces on this ship where you could easily forget you were at sea.

I overheard someone saying these waters were pretty calm, compared to others, so I’m counting my blessings that I can’t feel the water beneath my feet.

I’m like a kid in a sweet shop – there are rails and rails of clothes, shoes, cosmetics, perfume, jewellery… I’d be in so, so much trouble if I was rich. I could do the kind of spending in here that would make my credit card company call me and check if I’m okay.

‘It’s so easy, being a man,’ Brody announces.

‘I mean, I already knew that,’ I reply. ‘But why specifically today?’

‘Well, it’s easy for us to find a James Bond-style outfit – it’s just a suit,’ he replies. ‘I can see a billion dresses right now.’

‘And you get to help me pick one, you lucky man!’

He yawns theatrically.

‘I’m tired just thinking about it,’ he jokes.

‘I’m doing this for Kelsey,’ I point out. ‘And because your crazy ex clearly stole my dress.’

‘We’re all someone’s crazy ex,’ he reminds me. ‘Let’s not be judgemental.’

I just roll my eyes. He’s only saying that because his crazy ex is crazier than mine.

I grab a few things to try on – well, I might as well find the perfect dress, seeing as though I’m having to buy one. Brody picks up a few bits too, saying there’s nothing else to do while he’s waiting for me.

The fitting rooms are unisex, so we pop in ones that are side by side, so we can keep chatting.

‘Of all the travelling I’ve done, I have to say, I kind of like having all of this stuff on my doorstep,’ he tells me through the thin wall.

‘Do you travel a lot for work?’ I ask curiously .

‘Yeah, quite a bit,’ he replies. ‘All around England, obviously, because we play the other counties, but we play abroad too.’

‘God, I bet you break hearts wherever you go,’ I reply. ‘I bet you have girls eating out of the palm of your hand.’

‘You’re not wrong,’ he replies – and it takes me aback, because I know it’s true, but he doesn’t usually say as much. ‘Wait a sec, I’ll show you.’

Ew. No thank you.

‘That’s okay…’

‘Trust me, you want to see this girl,’ he replies. ‘Look…’

I notice his hand appear at the top of the cubicle – he’s handing me his phone and, unsure what else to do, I take it.

‘Flick through those,’ he says.

I reluctantly do as I’m told and the second I see the first picture I just laugh.

‘What’s her name?’ I ask him.

‘Kaya,’ he replies. ‘She lived at this sanctuary we visited. Gave me love bites, followed me around all day. Totally obsessed with me – but it was love at first bite for me too.’

Safe in the knowledge Brody can’t see me, I smile widely at the photos of him and the adorable lion cub. Photos of them playing together, cuddling, him feeding her – okay, now I get why the ‘palm of your hand’ comment was so funny.

‘She’s beautiful,’ I tell him.

‘Yeah, but I wouldn’t fancy play-fighting her in a few years,’ he replies. ‘So it never would have worked out.’

I laugh, handing him his phone back over the wall.

I’m still smiling when I try on the final dress I brought through. It’s ruby-red silk, backless, with a thigh slit that makes me feel like I need some kind of tit tape for my downstairs. It clings in the right places, floats casually in the others, and it’s perfect for the casino .

I step out of the fitting room, mostly just to prove to myself that I can walk in it, and admire myself in one of the big mirrors.

Brody steps out too and I wouldn’t go as far as to say his jaw drops, but it looks like it bounces maybe, just a little…

‘Wow… Jessa…’ he says.

‘Is it okay?’ I check.

‘It’s more than okay,’ he replies. ‘You look unreal.’

I blush, making my cheeks match my dress.

‘I feel a bit self-conscious in it, if I’m being honest, it’s not me, it’s?—’

‘Nah, don’t do that,’ he interrupts me. ‘Don’t look for reasons not to wear it. Don’t think it’s not you. It’s just a dress and you look hot in it.’

My jaw does drop.

I look in the mirror, trying to see what he sees, or what he says he sees anyway. Do I look good? I feel good, and it’s a really nice dress…

‘Screw it,’ I say firmly. ‘I’m going to get it.’

‘Yeah, you are,’ he replies. ‘Come on, let’s go…’

‘Wait a second,’ I say, eyeballing him suspiciously. ‘Are you just saying all of this, to hurry me up, so that I don’t try on more dresses?’

‘Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,’ he replies cryptically. ‘But maybe you should just buy it, and see what happens.’

Again, I have no idea what he means by that, but I can’t resist giving it a go. I’ll buy it, I’ll see what happens – who knows? I might even like it…