Page 15 of Going Overboard

Every now and then I’ll just be going about my business and my disastrous date with Paul will pop into my head. Now that I’m a few steps away from it, fair enough, crying all over the man was incredibly embarrassing. Any time I have a minute to myself, I cringe about it.

I have a moment now, because dragging my suitcase through the packed train station isn’t much brainwork, so I’m stuck with my thoughts, wondering how I got here.

Not literally, I got an Uber, I mean here in this mess.

I should be excited, getting a taxi to a train to a ship to a hot and sunny island.

Getting dumped and then still having to take the trip with my ex – and his new girlfriend – doesn’t exactly scream: nice, relaxing summer holiday.

I kind of can’t believe I’m using my time off for this.

What I thought would fly suddenly feels like it’s going to drag.

Multiple days at sea, a long weekend in Sicily, doing wedding-based activities that surely involve Todd and Nikki.

Ugh. They’ve taken something I love and turned it into something shit – which I suppose applies to my life, as well as this holiday.

What sounded like a dream feels like an annoyance. Why do Kelsey and Neil have to have such an elaborate wedding? It’s the wedding equivalent of ‘this call could have been an email’. Most people manage to get it done in a day.

I’m just being spiky, because the situation isn’t ideal for me, but I do want Kelsey to have an amazing time, she deserves it.

This cruise is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing, a dream – it’s just my situation that’s making it feel more like a nightmare for me.

I just need to suck it up. It’s a cruise – cruise ships are huge. I’m sure I can avoid Todd and Nikki.

I’m just going to get on the train, sit back, relax and try to clear my head. Well, try to clear it while drinking the cute little cans of Cosmopolitans I picked up in the station. I just need to relax, to take it a day at a time, and enjoy the peace and quiet while I can.

I drag my suitcase on to the train, find my seat, and practically collapse into it.

Bliss. Nothing but the hum of the train, the sunlight pouring in through the window and – I take my first sip of my cocktail – ahh, glorious, you’d never know it came from a can instead of a mixologist. I’m going to chill, maybe read a book, and mentally prepare myself for what’s to come.

I take my phone from my bag, to tap a message to Kelsey telling her I made the train the planner booked for me (I’m not usually the most punctual girlie) and I’m almost smiling to myself until a familiar voice wipes the vague happiness from my face.

It’s two voices, actually. Talking, flirting, laughing. My heart drops – I think it’s down on the tracks somewhere, waiting to be mullered by a train. It feels like it has been already.

Of course it’s Todd and Nikki. Of course the wedding planner booked us on to the same train. Of fucking course we’re sitting in the same carriage.

Yeah, I know, it makes sense, she probably booked the tickets all at once – but even so, this is just my luck, isn’t it? My nice, peaceful, relaxing trip – my calm before the storm – being ruined by their presence.

I slump down further in my seat, hoping it makes me invisible. Maybe they won’t see me. Maybe they’re too wrapped up in themselves to even notice anyone else? They certainly weren’t thinking about me when they got together.

They haven’t noticed me thankfully, so I think I’ll just stay slumped, carefully pour my drinks into my mouth, pop in my AirPods and mess around on my phone for a bit. Anything to block the sound of them being happy out.

There’s an email from Emma, the wedding whatever, confirming that the cabin situation is sorted, so that’s something at least. I’ll have a space of my own to retreat to, so maybe that will be my new peaceful space, seeing as though my train carriage is now full of people I don’t like.

Gosh, it’s going to be a long trip, if I sit like this the whole time. What if they spot me and call me over to join them? What if I need a wee and they realise I’ve been hiding from them? Can I skulk off to a different seat? Probably not – not without them seeing me anyway.

Once we’ve set off, I rest my head against the window, allowing the train to gently rock me, hoping it shakes out some of my stress.

Oh, here we go again, alone with my thoughts I can only think about one thing: Paul.

Poor, sweet, terrified Paul. I still can’t believe I cried on him.

I’m not really one for crying in front of people, in a general way, but I’ve never broken down in a bar before, over a man, and over a man literally.

This is just… a new low within a new low.

And after one drink too, so I can’t even blame being drunk.

The cringe just keeps creeping up on me – can you give yourself the ick? Because that’s what it feels like .

Paul won’t want to go on another date with me, no way, and I don’t blame him, but you know what? I don’t want to go on another date with me either.

I suppose I’m just not ready – but why should I be?

I think because Todd has moved on, I feel like I should be able to too, but every now and then I think about what Brody said to Nikki, when she called him out for not moving on.

When she said it was embarrassing that he wasn’t over her – what did he say?

Something about it being more embarrassing that she was over him so quickly?

I hate to say it, but he’s right. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, this break-up is so fresh, and Todd obviously had more time to get used to it than I did, given that he was the dumper.

It isn’t ideal, to cry on a random man, but it’s okay to be sad about this. It’s normal to be sad about this. It takes time to get over someone, if you really cared about them, and that’s the bottom line. I cared, he didn’t.

It also isn’t ideal to be going on a cruise with the wanker, but we move… It’s just a week or so, the wedding will be over, and then I can get back to getting my life back on track, and I won’t have to see Todd or Nikki while I do it.

I just need to get through this week without accident or incident or hijacking a lifeboat to row myself back to the UK.

I can do this. I can survive this.

Probably.

Maybe.

I just can’t imagine it being plain sailing…