Page 30 of Going Overboard

The ship has a karaoke bar – of course it does. It has everything. What doesn’t it have? I just made the mistake of asking a bartender this question and I didn’t like the answer.

‘Did you know there’s a prison and morgue on board?’ I ask the gang as I plonk myself back down with my bay breeze cocktail – my third, or is it my fourth?

‘What?’ Kelsey shrieks.

‘Yep,’ I reply. ‘I asked him, half joking, if the ship had everything on board, and he confirmed it. I suppose it makes sense but it’s not really something you want to think about on your holidays.’

‘You asked him,’ Nikki points out, scowling, which is crazy because it’s not that deep.

‘Well, it’s like my granny used to say: fuck around, find out,’ I joke – my favourite joke.

Brody laughs.

‘Okay, well, maybe you don’t talk to people without me,’ he suggests playfully.

‘Haven’t you heard of women’s rights?’ I reply .

‘It’s women’s wrongs I’m worried about,’ he teases.

‘You don’t usually complain,’ I reply.

Almost everyone finds our flirtatious bickering adorable. The only ones who don’t? Todd and Nikki, obviously.

I know why the ship needs a morgue, of course I do, but a karaoke area seems less important. Maybe. It is a lot of fun, I suppose.

There are a few rooms, with private booths, so I’m in one with the usual suspects: Brody, Kelsey and Neil, Al and Kira, and Todd and Nikki.

It’s a cool space, with disco lights, and a big screen that shows the lyrics. Everything is so colourful and sparkly and it really is hard not to have a good time when everyone is singing.

Todd and Nikki are tucked into a corner, not quite having as much fun as the rest of us, but I guess that’s because Brody and my presence is just ruining the trip for them.

Boo-bloody-hoo. They didn’t want this? Neither did we.

They would do well to remember that they chose this, in a roundabout way.

It really is like my granny didn’t actually say: fuck around, find out.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Dump your ex, don’t be upset when they move on.

‘Put me down for basically every Elvis song they have,’ Al announces.

‘If you think you can do Elvis, sure, I’ll put you down for that,’ Kira says, sounding unconvinced, and she’s the one who hears him sing in the shower.

‘Thank you very much,’ he says – in the way you’d expect.

‘I’m thinking I might do a Lady Gaga track,’ Kelsey replies. ‘Not that I can sing.’

‘I was going to say, is that a promise or a threat,’ Neil teases her .

‘Oi!’ she replies. ‘Perhaps we could pick some songs for each other too. That could be fun?’

My mind goes into overdrive, wondering what songs I would choose for everyone.

Al, I don’t know why, but ‘YMCA’ by the Village People just feels right.

For Brody, I do know why, ‘I’m Too Sexy’ by Right Said Fred.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be allowed to pick for anyone, I’m not exactly reaching for modern masterpieces.

Neil returns from the bar with a tray full of drinks, saying that way no one has an excuse to dip out. The drinks have names like Sex on the Deck and Ship Happens. Hilarious. I don’t think I’ve eaten or drunk anything on board that wasn’t totally delicious, so I’ll try anything.

Al has a tray too, full of snacks. Popcorn, pretzels, crackers, olives and… pickles. Shit.

I look up, from glaring at them, to realise Nikki was doing the same, except she has the biggest smile on her face.

‘Jessa… pickles… your favourite,’ she points out.

‘Yay,’ I say, trying to muster up some fake enthusiasm.

‘Fill your boots,’ she prompts me.

‘I don’t like to eat, before I sing,’ I tell her, hoping that’s the end of it, but I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s not going to let this one go.

‘I’m starving,’ Brody says. ‘I could eat them all, to be honest. I’ll get Jessa some more.’

He picks up the little bowl and starts popping mini pickles into his mouth.

‘Okay, but it kind of seems to me like Jessa doesn’t want to eat one,’ Nikki says. ‘And I think that’s because she doesn’t really like them. Because you guys cheated at Mr & Mrs.’

‘Not this again,’ Neil says, laughing, but I think his patience is wearing thin.

‘It’s fine,’ I tell Neil, not wanting him to feel anything negative in the run-up to his wedding – especially not caused by me. ‘Brody – can I have one?’

‘This is the last one,’ he says, holding one between his thumb and finger.

It’s only small – how bad can it be?

‘Please?’ I say, pouting at him.

‘Okay, sure,’ he replies. ‘Just so long as you don’t love them more than you love me. Taking a man’s last pickle isn’t cool…’

‘Ah, but if you love me more than you love them, you’ll give me it,’ I reply.

He smiles. We both know I don’t want it, we both know I have no choice.

I lean forward, my mouth open, taking his hand in mine, and eat it straight from his fingertips.

Oh, God, it’s so nasty. So salty and sharp and…

and what does it even taste like? It’s vile.

But I keep my game face on, I eat it like a champ, and then – partly to upset Nikki, because she’s backed me into this corner, and partly to take the taste away with literally anything – seeing as though I’m still holding Brody’s hand in front of my face, I take his index finger in my mouth and suck it.

I notice his eyes widen for a split second, but his game face is as good as mine.

‘You really can’t get enough, can you,’ he says.

‘I really can’t,’ I reply with a wink.

‘Ew,’ Nikki blurts.

‘Okay, well, now we all know Jessa likes pickles, can we have fun?’ Kelsey asks. ‘Jessa, come look at the music catalogue with me.’

I do as I’m told, following her to the screen where you choose the songs, just away from everyone else’s ears – and drowned out by Al, who has just started singing ‘Suspicious Minds’ .

‘This is actually so much fun,’ Kelsey says, swiping on the screen. ‘I’m going to pick a song for Brody.’

‘What song?’ I ask.

‘You’ll see,’ she replies. ‘It’s mad, I’ve never seen you so flirty, so into PDA, so loved-up…’

I freeze for a second. Kelsey is my best friend. Did I really think I could pull the wool over her eyes? She must know it’s all an act.

‘You must really like him,’ she says with a smile.

‘Yeah, I do,’ I reply.

‘And watching Todd and Nikki watching you both so happy, and seeming so bothered, well, that’s a lovely bonus,’ she adds.

‘Are they bothered? I hadn’t noticed,’ I reply, feigning ignorance.

One by one, people start taking the mic.

Neil and Kelsey do ‘I Got You Babe’, which is more adorable than it is on-key.

Kira chickens out of doing her song, not wanting to sing one on her own, so Al does one with her – but of course it’s an Elvis song.

‘Viva Las Vegas’ is always a crowd-pleaser though.

Even Todd gets up and sings a Coldplay song, an old one, not a fun new one. There’s nothing wrong with Coldplay, but ‘Yellow’ doesn’t really get anyone lit, and I could swear he was spitting a few of the bars in my direction.

Then it’s Brody’s turn. Now this I’m excited to hear.

He grabs the mic and takes to the front of the crowd – facing us, instead of the screen, so he must know the lyrics.

He’s got all the performance of a rock star.

I guess he’s used to standing in front of large groups of people and performing, although singing and bowling are really different skills.

As the opening bars of the Bee Gees’ ‘Love You Inside and Out’ start playing, I can’t help but smile.

It’s our dumb little in-joke. The song we bonded over in front of the others. And it really is my favourite Bee Gees song, that wasn’t part of the act.

There may not be any crossover between being good at bowling and being good at singing but a performer is a performer and he’s killing it, every note. He’s strutting around, shaking his hips, leaving everyone a mixture of amused and impressed.

And then he turns his attention to me, extends a hand, pulling me up next to him, serenading me.

I cackle as he pulls me up. He places his free hand on my waist, my palm finds his shoulder, and suddenly we’re swaying under the disco lights and it’s so cheesy but so perfect.

He dips me. He twirls me. And then he finishes by doing a seriously extra – but absolutely spectacular – slide across the floor on his knees, finishing the song at my feet.

Everyone goes nuts – well, almost everyone. The usual two refuse to enjoy the moment.

‘Jessa, it says you’re next,’ Kelsey announces.

‘I haven’t chosen a song,’ I reply.

‘Someone has chosen a song for you then, I guess,’ Kelsey replies with a shrug. ‘You got this.’

I feel empowered and emboldened by Brody’s performance, like his confidence is contagious. There’s no way I can be as good as him but his happy vibes make me not care all that much. I just want to have fun.

I grab the mic and take a deep breath.

The screen lights up, the music starts, and a song starts that I’m not all that familiar with. It’s a country song – not my favourite genre. I look out at the crowd, to see if anyone can shed any light.

‘I don’t know this one,’ I say as the intro plays.

‘It’s Carrie Underwood,’ Kira announces. ‘Country is my guilty pleasure. ’

Did Kira choose this for me? Just because she wanted to hear it? Surely not.

I try my best to follow the lyrics, singing along, but as I do I realise what I’m saying. It’s a woman singing very uncomplimentary things about a blonde woman who – I’m assuming – is with her man.

I only need to glance at Nikki for a second to realise that she’s chosen this song for me, because she’s actually smiling, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable I look. Presumably I’m the blonde tramp in the song and Brody is the cheater. Rich, so rich. And as subtle as a nuclear bomb.

‘What song is this?’ Kelsey asks.

‘It’s “Before He Cheats”,’ Nikki says. ‘I’ll sing it, if you can’t…’

Do you know what? She can have it. I hand her the mic just in time for her to belt the chorus.