Page 5 of Going Overboard

I’m in the bath. Because of course I am.

It’s practically a post-break-up cliché at this point – a sad sack of a girl, scented candles, an inconvenient amount of bubbles, and a tub of chocolate ice cream teetering dangerously on the edge – sort of like myself, if you’ll allow me a little joke in the middle of my emotional breakdown.

I’m even listening to a playlist called ‘Sad girl songs’ which I originally made as a joke, for all the soppy ballads I love, but now that just feels like a pathetic prophecy. Like I knew I was on the chopping block when I put all those Lewis Capaldi songs within easy reach.

I scoop another spoonful of ice cream into my mouth and sink deeper into the water, bubbles creeping up over my collarbones. The steam curls around me, warm and comforting like a blanket.

You know what, I think I’m in shock, because I really, truly wasn’t expecting Todd to dump me. If you’d told me something was going to happen, as pathetic as it may sound, my money would have been on him proposing. How tragic is that .

God, it really was such a shock.

One minute I was pulling him onto the dance floor, laughing, thinking he looked handsome in his suit. The next, he was looking at me like I was a problem he needed to solve, not someone he loved.

We were together for over a year. We’d talked about moving in together.

Had actual conversations about locations, mortgages, how we’d decorate.

I’d started mentally dressing the house, even though I didn’t know what it would look like.

We’d even fantasised about building our dream house when we could.

Yikes. What if we had moved in together? We’d be scrapping over furniture and Netflix accounts – it would be much messier. I should count my blessings.

So by my count that’s one blessing. Nice.

I guess I just didn’t think we were broken. Not even close. I thought we were… normal. Happy, even. I know I was.

Some chocolate ice cream slides off my spoon and lands with a little plop in the bath. I stare at it as it floats, the water turning brown around it.

I’m not pathetic enough to scoop it up and eat it. Obviously not. But I am pathetic enough to just leave it there, bobbing among the bubbles like it belongs. Like some kind of dessert bath bomb.

I sigh and close my eyes. Out of sight, out of mind.

The worst part is, I know I’ll still have to see him.

Todd. Because we share so many friends. Everyone’s tangled together – my friends are his friends and his friends are dating my friends, we’re in the same group chats, we go to the same events – he’s going to be at Kelsey and Neil’s wedding, for God’s sake.

I’ve managed to avoid him since Kelly and Logan’s wedding.

That feels like a small win. And he’s stayed away too.

Left me alone. Well, of course he has, he doesn’t want to be with me, or have anything to do with me, so what would he say?

‘Hey, just checking in on the person I savagely dumped mid-slow dance?’

No. He’s long gone. I need to accept that. But first I need to wallow in the bath for the foreseeable future.

My phone rings, well, it vibrates on the side. I groan softly, almost in sync with it, lifting one arm from beneath the lukewarm water to grab it from the windowsill where it’s balanced precariously between a mostly drained glass of wine and a candle that’s seen better days.

I grab the phone carefully, my fingers slippery from the bathwater. One slip and it’s over – for both of us. It would be so like me to dunk it in the water. The only thing that could make today worse would be sobbing over a bag full of rice with my soggy phone somewhere in the middle.

It’s Kelsey. She’s probably the only person in the world I would answer to right now.

Well, her or maybe Tom Hardy, or Zac Efron, or pretty much anyone willing to sweep me off my feet and make Todd reconsider his life choices.

‘Hey,’ I say, my voice already softer, quieter, like the harder I try to sound okay the more I confirm that I’m not.

‘Aw, Jessa,’ she says. Her voice is like a hug. ‘How are you doing?’

‘Oh, you know,’ I say, letting my head fall back against the bath pillow. ‘As you’d expect.’

‘You’re in the bath, aren’t you?’ she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. It’s half-amused, half-concerned – 100 per cent Kelsey. She knows me so well.

‘Of course I am,’ I reply.

‘Are you at least changing the water?’ she asks. ‘You were in the bath the last time I called. Tell me you get out to pee… ’

I laugh, a real one, bubbling up from somewhere below the pain. It surprises me.

‘I’m spending time outside the bath and running fresh ones, I’ve not had a total breakdown. Not yet, anyway,’ I reassure her. ‘Although… I did just drop some chocolate ice cream in the water. I’ve made peace with it though.’

‘Chocolate ice cream? I’ll believe you,’ she replies.

I laugh again. It’s good to hear her voice.

‘So. I was calling to ask – do you want a lift to Al and Kira’s wedding this weekend?’ she says, cutting to the chase.

‘Thanks,’ I reply, ‘but I think I’m going to drive. Just in case I want to make a quick getaway.’

There’s a beat. I know what’s coming next.

‘Are you sure you’ll be okay… seeing Todd there? It’s only been two weeks.’

‘Of course,’ I reply, and I make it sound so casual, like I’m just talking about what a sunny July we’re having. ‘I’m actually handling it really well.’

There’s another pause. Then…

‘Is that… is that Lewis Capaldi I can hear?’ she asks gently.

‘Just a bit,’ I reply. She’s got me there.

‘Thought so.’ She doesn’t laugh, bless her.

Kelsey never laughs at me. ‘Look, it is going to be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

I’ll be right there. I won’t leave your side.

We’ll get you through it. Consider it a dress rehearsal for my wedding.

Survive your ex-boyfriend once, you can do it again, and each time it will get easier. ’

I smile, even though my stomach has twisted into something tight and knotted.

‘Yeah,’ I say – maybe if I say it, I’ll believe it. ‘Don’t worry about me. I promise, I’ll be fine. Nothing is going to ruin your wedding. ’

There’s a pause. One of those loaded ones, where you can feel the other person hesitating on the edge of something.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ she asks me.

‘I will be,’ I say. I’ve said it so many times now it barely feels like a lie. It’s something to say. A reflex. Like ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes. ‘Plus, I’m chief bridesmaid, so I have jobs to keep me busy.’

‘Speaking of,’ she replies, holding on each word for a little longer than normal, like she’s stalling for time.

‘I know you said you’d handle it, but are you sure you don’t want me to talk to the wedding planner?

We can sort out your new room situation.

Obviously you won’t be sharing with Todd now, and?—’

‘Kels,’ I interrupt gently. ‘I’ve got it. Really. Let me sort it, it will be therapeutic for me.’

She hesitates again. I can almost hear her thinking, biting her lip like she does when she’s trying not to fuss. I’m not sure whether she believes me or not, but what can she say?

‘If you’re sure…’

‘I’m sure,’ I lie again.

The last thing she needs is anything extra on her plate.

We say our goodbyes and I set my phone back on the windowsill, still careful not to drop it. I lean back, close my eyes and try to relax.

The bathwater is starting to feel cold now. The bubbles are gone. I glance down at the rogue chocolate chips still bobbing by my knee. At least I can pick them out now.

This sucks. This all sucks. So, so much.

I have to convince Kelsey that I’m okay though, because fuck Todd, for doing this right before her wedding.

I’m not saying he should have stayed with me, I’m saying that if supposedly he’s been feeling this way for a while, he should have spoken up much sooner.

I’m not sure I will be okay, if I’m being totally honest with you.

I need to stop telling people that I am – especially myself.

But not Kelsey, not little more than a week before we set sail for her wedding.

I’m not going to let this ruin her day. I’ll show up.

I’ll wear the dress. I’ll fix her veil and help her go to the bathroom and make jokes during the photos.

I’ll smile like my heart hasn’t been ripped out of my chest, even though it really, really has been.

I will do it… I’m just not sure how yet. That’s all.