Page 26 of Going Overboard

If there’s one thing no one talks about enough, when it comes to weddings, it’s just how wild it is that the happy couple expect you to do so much stuff, just because they’re getting married.

Has it always been like this? I swear, when my parents got married, it was just one day, people turned up, ate food, gave them some kitchenware, ate cake and then went home. A wedding day.

Now though, it’s so different – weddings shouldn’t require annual leave, surely? And, destination weddings, come on. It’s not a day, it’s a whole thing.

I remember going to a wedding where the groom had roped all of his friends into dressing up like famous singers and doing a surprise choreographed dance – probably just some cringe attempt to go viral, which I think it did.

But that’s not about the wedding, is it?

Although I don’t suppose they’ll ever forget it (and they are divorced now, so take from that what you will).

There was another girl we know, a friend of Kelsey’s, who made all of her bridesmaids do juice cleanses in the run-up to the big day – and they did it!

Can we normalise telling people to fuck off, please?

Then again, I say that, but I am here, about to do something for Kelsey and Neil. I like to think I’d say no to her forcing me to go on a diet (not that she ever would, that’s why I love her) but this… as much as I hate it, I want to make her happy.

I cringe as I catch sight of myself in the mirrored wall.

I’m in – wait for it – the ship’s dance studio.

Yep, dance studio. Generally I think it’s reserved for the cruise performers to practise their routines but, when Kelsey said she was looking for somewhere for a group dance class, they said she could use this space. Joy.

‘This was definitely Kelsey’s idea,’ I whisper to Brody. ‘I saw Neil do the Cha Cha Slide once – the song literally has the instructions as lyrics – and he still fluffed it.’

‘I heard that,’ Neil calls out – amused, thankfully.

‘We both thought it would be so cute if all our favourite people joined in on the first dance,’ Kelsey says, sounding like a woman who has just discovered coffee and had six. ‘We thought it might make Neil feel a bit more relaxed.’

‘Like a flash mob, but classy?’ Nikki asks. ‘I’m in. I used to be a dancer, you know…’

She stretches like she’s about to perform Swan Lake .

‘No offence to my husband, but dancing isn’t really his strong suit,’ Kira says. ‘Nor mine…’

Al throws an arm around Kira.

‘I lift fridges for a living, Kira. I can lift you,’ he tells her.

Kira raises her brows.

‘Where to begin with that?’ she replies with a laugh.

‘Neil and I have already been practising and we’re basically experts now,’ Kelsey tells us. ‘So you can all just follow our lead.’

Easy as that, eh? Somehow I doubt it, because I have two left feet, and while Brody might be a professional athlete, he’s a sportsman, and they aren’t exactly known for their ballroom dancing, are they?

‘Have you ever danced before?’ I ask Brody.

He purses his lips. Yeah, okay, this is going to go terribly.

Kelsey and Neil show us their routine. I don’t know nearly enough about dancing to tell you what kind it is – the music is sort of salsa style and the dancing has a lot of stepping and hip wiggling.

Kelsey and Neil are killing it, honestly, they don’t need us up there as a buffer (unless the plan is for us to look bad to make them look good) but what are friends for?

They start by showing us the basic steps, very slowly, on our own.

Without the music, doing it bit by bit, it’s not so bad, but when it’s time to do it all at once, to the music, I panic.

It’s going to be a disaster, so embarrassing, because whether Nikki really did used to be a dancer or not, she’s clearly better at this than I am.

At least I’m braced for it being awful, I’m at one with it, and no matter how I’m feeling on the inside, on the outside I will act like I don’t care.

I’m practically wincing, as the music starts, but the second Brody places his hands on my waist I feel better and not only that but…

I don’t know, it’s like we’re good? Well, no, I’m not good, I stepped on my own foot twice while I was practising, but Brody is great.

He moves so confidently, not only nailing the steps, but guiding me too.

I feel like I’m dancing, although I don’t feel like it’s me who is doing it.

‘Brody, what the hell?’ I say, delighted but low-key suspicious. ‘You’re, like, really good at this. How are you so good at this? Are you secretly training for Strictly Come Dancing ?’

‘Not exactly,’ he says with a smile as he walks me through the steps. ‘My grandma’s always loved dancing. When my grandad passed away, I promised I’d go with her. So I’ve been doing it ever since. She’ll be pleased to hear you think I’m good – she doesn’t think I’m up to scratch.’

I can’t help but laugh because that’s as funny as it is adorable. The bad boy of cricket has a soft side, huh? I didn’t read about any of that when I was Google-stalking him.

‘She’s in her nineties now,’ he says. ‘Not as mobile as she used to be, but still much better on her feet than me – obviously. She doesn’t go out much, so I go to her house, put a record on, have a bit of a dance in the living room with her.’

Amazing really, that he’s still finding dancing with me so effortless, when I’m in a puddle on the floor.

‘That’s so nice,’ I tell him. ‘She’s so lucky to have you.’

‘I’m lucky to have her,’ he replies. ‘I’ve lost my grandad, my other grandparents, my dad… Hopefully I have my grandma’s genes.’

His usually sunny outlook dips behind a cloud, just for a moment, before that optimistic smile returns.

‘Hopefully,’ I reply.

I’m only just realising it but we’re getting closer, our bodies moving in perfect sync. It’s the first time I’ve ever danced and not felt like a six-year-old in a school play. It’s just so easy to lean into him and let him take the lead.

‘Oh, wow,’ I hear Kira say.

Looking around, I can see that we’ve got an audience. Everyone has stopped to watch us – even Nikki, not that she’ll be giving us a round of applause.

‘Shall we give them something to look at?’ he asks me.

‘Are we not doing that right now?’ I reply.

‘Ready?’ he asks.

‘For wha?—’

Brody locks his hands around my waist and lifts me high into the air, Dirty Dancing style, and all I have to do is keep my body straight, and my gosh, he makes it seem easy, holding me up like I’m nothing – who knew bowlers were so strong?

I can see myself in the mirrored wall. The smile on my face is something else, one that I’ve not seen for some time – I swear, the muscles in my face are aching from using ones I don’t usually (which is why, when I go to the gym with Brody, I just chill out – no one wants or needs achy muscles on a cruise).

I dare to throw my arms out, squealing with glee, because I know I’m not actually flying, but this might be as close as I can get.

‘All right, all right, we get it, you’re perfect,’ Kelsey jokes. ‘Do not do that at my wedding – you’ll make us look rubbish.’

‘We won’t, we promise,’ Brody says as he lowers me down. He keeps his hand on my waist and pulls me close.

As he slow dances me on the spot I can look over his shoulder and see that both Todd and Nikki are furious. Honestly, had I not sworn off crying on men, I could weep with joy.

‘That was amazing,’ I whisper into Brody’s ear.

‘Not so bad yourself,’ he replies.

‘Have you seen their faces?’

‘What?’

‘Have you seen Todd and Nikki’s faces?’ I say again.

‘Oh, right, yeah, they look pretty jealous,’ he replies.

‘This plan is working so, so much better than I thought it was going to,’ I tell him.

He just laughs.

This, right here, ladies and gents, is how you handle a break-up. Not like an adult, like a boss.