Page 16 of Going Overboard

It’s almost impossible to compute the size of the ship. The closer I get to it, the bigger it gets, and as I cross the bridge to the doorway, it seems almost endlessly, impossibly huge. Like a Tardis or Mary Poppins’s bag.

I know, cruise ships are big, but it’s bigger than I was expecting it to be.

It’s like a hotel – no, a resort on the water.

I suppose Kelsey did say it had everything, and everything takes up a lot of space, but damn.

It’s funny because when she was listing the things it had on board I started to wonder if she was joking or if it really had them.

A gym didn’t feel beyond the realms of possibility but an outdoor cinema and a laser tag arena – come on! Is that true?

After check-in, which is somehow both high-tech and extremely chaotic (passport control in a tent outside the terminal is not as glam as I was expecting – nor did I think I would have to have my photo taken for my ID card, and the photographer has done me so, so dirty), I’m finally on board, in and around the actual glam, and now it’s delivering.

The first thing that hits me is the scale of it all.

There’s a huge open atrium – a multistorey bad boy – with glass lifts zipping up and down and a massive staircase that puts the Titanic to shame…

not that the Titanic should be the benchmark for anything boaty ever.

There’s a chandelier too, because of course there is, one so big it looks like it could sink us – although I’m sure you’re not allowed to joke about sinking when you’re actually at sea, so enough of that.

Everything feels so shiny and new. I don’t think it is, but it has definitely been polished ahead of its new guests. We’re not going to need a bigger boat, put it that way. I am going to need a map though, because this definitely feels like somewhere you could get lost quite easily.

I’m directed toward the lifts, to head up to my room – yes, up, something I’m very pleased to learn because I hate the idea of being under the water.

I feel a little ropey about being at sea generally, I’m not sure why.

There’s just something about the ocean that makes it feel so full and yet so empty at the same time.

Like there’s so, so much to be scared of, it’s the closest thing to finding yourself in a void…

ugh, somehow that feels even scarier, and there are plenty of things to be scared of already, so my imagination needs to take a day off.

Looking at the map on the wall, I can see things like the spa, the pool – oh, there it is, laser tag, so Kelsey wasn’t making things up.

I’m looking forward to exploring the place.

The dark, deep, merciless ocean aside, I do like the idea of having so much stuff under one roof – including a cabin of my own.

I’m a little worried, seeing as though Emma messaged me and said this was the last cabin available, but I’ve gone upstairs to it, so how bad can it be?

Of all the things I expected to find when I open my cabin door – and there are a lot of things, given everything Kelsey’s been saying about this boat – I might be looking at not only the one thing I didn’t expect to find but my worst fucking nightmare too .

A bath in the middle of the room – amazing. A tiny window – not great, but I could live with it. Poseidon himself – you know what, I’d take it, he might actually be quite nice if he wasn’t dicking with the weather.

Instead, sitting on the sofa, there’s Todd and Nikki.

Nikki screams when she sees me. Actually screams. Like I just popped out of a coffin instead of walking through the door – a door I opened with my key card.

I just freeze in the doorway for a moment, keeping the door open behind me just in case I need to dash. Todd – ever the hero – jumps to his feet and sort of half-steps in front of her.

I look down at the key card in my hand, then at them, then at my key card again. What the hell is going on?

‘She’s stalking us,’ Nikki cries out, grabbing on to Todd’s arm for dramatic effect. ‘She’s crazy. Didn’t I tell you that she was crazy? She’s out to get me!’

‘I… what?’ is all I manage to say.

Todd holds up his hands as he approaches me slowly. I really resent being treated like a crazy lady because all I have done is walk into my own cabin.

‘What are you doing here?’ he asks me.

‘This is my cabin,’ I tell him, slowly and clearly. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘We had a message from Emma,’ Todd explains. ‘She said she had sorted us a suite, the last one available that could accommodate our situation.’

Our situation. Ha.

‘I had the same message,’ I tell him, frowning.

‘Oh, God,’ Nikki cries. ‘Oh, God, no. Is that why there are two bedrooms?’

‘There are two bedrooms?’ I repeat in disbelief. Surely not …

‘That’s what I just said!’ Nikki snaps, gesturing wildly like I’m a pigeon she’s trying to frighten away from her chips.

Todd sighs.

‘I think… given that we were all making so many changes, the only thing Emma could do was move us into the same room. A two-bedroom suite,’ he says.

This is information I will absolutely keep to myself, but I do wonder if Emma had to put us all in here together, or if she thought it might be a fun way to get back at me for – let me check my notes – asking her to do her job.

It is nice in here. There’s a big open-plan living space with big, squishy-looking sofas, a little kitchenette, and a balcony with a few chairs out there.

There are two doors leading off either side of the suite, so presumably they are the two bedrooms. Thank God they’re on opposite sides.

The idea of sharing a wall with those two? I’d rather jump overboard.

‘I guess we’re just going to have to make this work,’ I say, sighing as I finally close the door behind me. ‘For Kelsey and Neil. We’re all adults.’

‘Ha!’ Nikki snaps, flopping back down onto the sofa like a stroppy toddler. ‘We’re adults. You tackled me the last time you saw me.’

‘I didn’t tackle you,’ I say through gritted teeth. ‘I fell.’

‘Fell into me,’ she says, folding her arms.

‘Enough. Jessa’s right,’ Todd snaps, causing Nikki to visibly recoil with horror. ‘We just have to learn to share the space. We’re all here for the same reason, our friends.’

‘That’s easy for you to say,’ Nikki huffs. ‘It’s your bloody ex who’s here, not mine.’

Right on cue, the door swings open again… and in walks Brody.

And then there were four .

He’s wearing one of his trademark tight t-shirts (or maybe they’re just t-shirts, but his muscles stretch them out) and he’s got what looks like a beer, something he’s carrying like a prop, to show just how cool he is.

When he sees the three of us all together, staring back at him, he bursts into a fit of laughs.

‘Oh, mate, what is going on here?’ he asks through a grin.

‘What are you doing here?’ Todd snaps, puffing up his chest in a way that is frankly embarrassing.

‘This is my room,’ Brody says. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘This is our room,’ I tell him – meaning mine, Todd’s and Nikki’s too, but Nikki misunderstands me and flies off the handle.

‘Oh my God. Are you two sharing a room together?’ she says, gesturing between me and Brody, her jaw briefly hanging in disbelief. ‘Seriously? I know you spent the night together at the wedding but are you, like, a proper couple now?’

I glance at Brody. I know, I misled people into thinking we had slept together, and I probably shouldn’t have done so without telling Brody, but this is different. This is a much bigger lie.

He glances at me and I can see the mischief in his eyes. Oh, God…

‘Yes,’ Brody says smoothly, without missing a beat.

I try not to react in any way but I feel like steam might be about to shoot out of my ears.

‘So you’re in that bedroom,’ Nikki says, pointing. ‘And we’re in that one. And we all have to share this suite?’

‘Erm, yeah, I guess so,’ I reply as casually as I can.

‘I can’t believe you’re together,’ Todd mutters, clearly deeply unhappy about it.

‘Well, you pushed us together,’ I tell him sweetly. ‘At the wedding. So thank you. Both of you.’

Brody glances at me again, one eyebrow raised like he’s trying to decide whether he’s impressed or bemused or what. I can’t tell if I’m enjoying this or freaking out. Maybe it’s a bit of both.

I jump as a voice booms through the room – presumably from a speaker somewhere – interrupting our epically awkward moment for us.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, please report to your designated muster stations for the mandatory safety drill.’

‘Come on, Nikki, let’s go,’ Todd says as he offers her his hand.

‘This is literally horrendous,’ she tells him – not at all in hushed tones.

Brody and I hang back a second, until it’s just the two of us.

‘Erm, right… so what exactly is happening?’ Brody asks me, still oh-so cool about it.

‘It would seem that, given our situation, the wedding planner has had to shove us all in here, to figure out sleeping arrangements for ourselves,’ I inform him.

‘How thoughtful of her,’ he replies. ‘I had to speak to her – she didn’t seem like a happy person.’

‘No, she didn’t, did she?’ I reply. ‘I wasn’t expecting to see you here. Not just in this suite – at the wedding. I didn’t connect the dots.’

‘I’m the best man,’ he says, holding his hands out, ta-da style.

‘Yeah, in hindsight, I remember Kelsey saying Neil’s best man was one of his old friends,’ I reply. ‘Because I was surprised it wasn’t…’

‘Todd?’ he replies. ‘Not surprised now, are you? He’s a tool, I’m a delight.’

I can’t help but laugh, just a little.

‘So we’re sharing a room?’ he checks.

‘Unless we get off the ship,’ I reply.

‘There’s no getting off now,’ he replies. ‘I was one of the last to board. They’ve shut the door or whatever. No turning back now. ’

‘Then yep, we’re sharing a room,’ I tell him.

‘Unless we go boys in one, girls in another,’ he suggests – presumably joking.

‘I’d sooner swim back to shore,’ I reply. ‘So, you’re just down for this? This whole weird situation, telling people we’re a couple, sharing a room – and sharing a living space with our exes. You’re the kind of guy who just puts his name down for shit like that?’

‘Well, I didn’t want to embarrass my girlfriend in front of her ex,’ he jokes. ‘And you didn’t seem like you weren’t up for it – for pretending, I mean.’

‘Yeah, obviously, because I don’t want to look like a loser in front of them,’ I reply. ‘Not because I’m so keen to share a room with you again.’

‘You could have fooled me,’ he replies.

God, he’s infuriating. He strolls to the kitchenette like he owns the place, running his hand over the sleek worktops.

‘You started this,’ he tells me.

‘Erm, how do you reckon?’ I reply.

‘Showing up for breakfast in my clothes was always going to get tongues wagging,’ he says.

‘You gave me the clothes,’ I snap back.

‘Because you didn’t have any,’ he replies. ‘It’s not my fault people think we slept together.’

I guess I didn’t help put that rumour to bed.

‘No one is going to believe I’d date someone like you,’ I tell him, not meaning it to come out as offensively as it does.

‘Ouch,’ he replies with a chuckle. ‘Why not? I’m a catch.’

‘Crabs are a catch,’ I reply. ‘I just mean… you’re very… I’m more… I don’t know.’

Brody leans against the counter, his arms folded, looking way too entertained by all of this. At least he’s decided not to take any offence .

‘I mean, it would be sort of fun, right?’ he says. ‘Our exes are here, they’re together, that sucks. Don’t you want to mess with them? Us just being in that room is going to ruin their whole trip.’

I laugh.

‘That does sound nice,’ I reply.

‘It sounds really nice,’ he agrees. ‘And I’m sure we can be believable. We can pretend to love each other. Nikki was really good at it, with me, so I’m just going to channel her.’

I laugh, just a little. It’s interesting to see Brody’s vulnerable side for a second. And I suppose we are in the same boat.

‘So we’re madly in love?’ I check.

‘Deeply,’ he replies. ‘And if they don’t buy that, well, we’ll just say it’s a sex thing.’

‘Will they really believe that?’

‘They will if they see me,’ he jokes – at least I think he’s joking.

‘How far are we willing to take this?’ I ask.

‘How far are you willing to go?’ he replies as he approaches me.

The door beeps – a telltale sign that someone is about to open it – so Brody pushes me back on the sofa and throws himself on top of me.

‘Oh my God,’ Todd blurts. ‘I forgot my ID card. If you’re going to do that can you at least do it in your room? We all have to sit on those sofas.’

He grabs his card from the coffee table and leaves again.

‘See, easy-peasy,’ Brody says with a laugh.

He’s still lying on top of me, his face inches from mine, the weight of his body pressing down on me like a seriously sexy weighted blanket.

And then he jumps to his feet, switching it off, just like that.

Wow, maybe we can do this .

‘You are possibly enjoying this way too much,’ I say, standing up, smoothing out the creases in my outfit.

‘Maybe,’ he replies. ‘We’ll see.’

‘We’re not seriously doing this, are we?’ I say again, giving him one last out.

‘We have to,’ he says with a shrug. ‘Just like we have to go do this safety bullshit.’

‘Remind me not to rely on you in an emergency,’ I tell him as we head for the door.

Okay, so this feels like going completely overboard – no pun intended, I promise – but what else can I do? We’re just going to have to give it a go.

Sadly there’s no safety drill for emergencies like this one though.