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Déjà Vu

“M aybe another warm up run would have been a good idea.” Lizzy looks back at Ronni, Collin, and me, standing above the narrow Tower Three Chute. Why do I always feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff with Ronni?

All of us are tired after staying up too late at the condo last night after pizza. Ronni was right though. Lizzy is a good skier, but maybe a double black diamond experts only run like Tower Three Chute wasn’t the best idea to dive into after an easy warm up run.

“Relax, Lizzy. You got this.” The way Ronni’s coaching Lizzy, smiling and laughing, trying to put her friend at ease, it’s so endearing.

“What’s wrong, Lizzy? Little bit steeper than Aspen Valley, eh?” Collin on the other hand. Well, he’s an ass as usual. “Probably should have had an extra coffee to get ready for this.”

“Oh fuck off, Collin.” Ronni snarls, sticking her tongue out at her brother with Lizzy quickly matching her. I snort a laugh, shaking my head watching the three of them. “It’s really not that bad, Lizzy. A few quick turns and you just need to watch it when you get down to that choke point by the big rock. Once you squeeze through there, you’re home free. Just watch me.”

I watch as Ronni jumps down into the run, calm, confident, and carefree. I could watch her like this all day. The way she glides down the run, the ends of her braids flowing behind her in the wind. I feel the heat creeping up my neck and a wide grin forming on my face.

“Damn, a little déjà vu. Right, Chap?” Fuck. I snap myself out of my trance, looking back over to Collin. I swear, I don’t know how he hasn’t picked up on my feelings for Ronni over the years.

I let out a short laugh. “Yeah, she’s something man. Always making us look like little bitches.”

I look back to Lizzy. “See. It’s not that bad. You good? If you want, you can go ahead and we’ll wait back to make sure you get down ok.”

Lizzy eyes me a bit cautiously before looking down the run, finding Ronni a hundred yards down or so waving at her. “Sure, Chap. Thanks.”

She takes the run a bit more slowly and less gracefully than Ronni, but she still nails it. When she reaches Ronni, they give each other fist bumps before turning back to us.

“You’re turn, bro. Gonna outdo your sister?” I ask as Collin looks up at me, letting out a long sigh.

“That’s a tall order man. See you down there.” He chuckles before I pat him on the back, still giving him shit right before he goes down the run.

“Saving the best for last as always, I see,” I yell at him as he skis away.

After Collin gets down the run, I size up my line. The big VW Bug sized rock right at the choke point has a nice packed down mound of snow on it and the landing zone looks soft after watching the other three hit the run.

Maybe I could…

Yep.

The entrance to the run goes smooth. My first few turns barely take any effort. I line up to go to the choke point of the chute, heading straight for the big snow covered rock. I look up just briefly and catch Collin and Ronni giving me a puzzled look before their eyes go wide. I even catch Ronni start to shake her head.

I gauge my speed perfectly. The snow on top of the big rock is just firm enough for me to pop off of as I leave the ground, turning into a 360 degree rotation, watching the world spin around me.

I come down hard, but still in control. The snow in the landing wasn’t quite as soft as I expected, but good enough. I ski over to Collin, my heart pounding and pushing adrenaline through my veins. Nailing a landing like that always makes me feel so good, so alive.

“Nice, Chap. You still got your moves,” Collin says, reaching towards me to bump my gloved fist.

I pull up my neck warmer to help wipe the snow off my goggles. “If you say so. I was starting to feel like I’m getting too old for this shit.”

“Well, if that’s you feeling old, I’d take that any day. Now, come on. Let’s get back to the chairlift and get another run in.” He turns to Ronni, who is still just shaking her head, her goggles resting on the brim of her helmet.

“What? I told Collin we were saving the best for last.” I shrug, raising my gloves hands towards them. Lizzy meanwhile is back to giving me the same death glare from last night.

Fuck me. I do not envy the guy that ever tries to date her. “Was that a sick enough line for you, Lizzy?”

Lizzy rolls her eyes before looking down to fiddle with her gloves.

Ronni looks back to me though, a sheepish grin on her face. “It was pretty good, Tanner . But maybe next time work on your landing a bit. Looks like you hit it a little hard there and got sloppy.” She dips her chin and smiles at me and winks before pulling her goggles back down.

I feel butterflies in my stomach as she turns away, my breath hitching. The way she gets to me so easily always startles me. It’s like she’s always been able to see me, the real me, and she can poke and prod around in my head to push my buttons.

Hitting a big ski run? Sure, no problem.

But her just smiling at me or batting her eyes? Still all these years later, it’s enough to make me feel like a silly teenage boy again.

◆◆◆

Collin turns and starts skiing back down the mountain towards the lift. We end up in line for the old two person chairlift. Looks like I’ll be riding with Collin.

After hopping on, Collin grabs a snack bar from his backpack. “Want one? I have extras.” He looks to me, holding a bar out.

“Sure. Thanks bud.” I say, taking my gloves off before grabbing it from him.

“No problem. Glad I’m back out here on the slopes with you though. I missed this.” Collin looks forward, chewing as we ride the lift up the mountain.

“Same man. I wish you guys were out here more often like the old days. It’s pretty boring without you guys here,” I reply, sighing and hanging my head. I find myself looking down at the slopes below us, thinking about all the fun times I’ve had here with him, Ronni, even Clay and Grace. I do miss those days.

“Boring?” Collin asks, turning towards me with a surprised look on his face. “You can’t tell me this place is ever boring, especially for you. You got everything you want man. The slopes, river to kayak, mountain biking. Even your workshop is awesome. How could you ever get bored?”

I muster a halfhearted laugh. I never know how to explain to anyone, much less to Collin, that I feel so alone most of the time.

And he’s right. I love this place. It’s amazing. But it’s not the same without someone to share it with. And everywhere I go, something always brings back memories of all the people that aren’t here with me any more. Everyone that’s moved away or stopped coming to town.

“I guess you’re right. It’s still pretty great here,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

My eyes drift out over the scenery around us, settling on where the granite peaks of the mountains meet the horizon. As the silence lingers between us, I can feel Collin’s gaze on me.

“You good bud?” he finally asks, nudging my shoulder with a fist.

I stay quiet, dwelling on that question. I know he’s my best friend. I should feel like I can open up to him. But it just feels selfish to complain. Everyone’s got their own shit to deal with, why should I be any different? It never helps. I remember the last time I truly vented a decade ago. It didn’t change anything though. It hurt so much to open myself up for once and be so let down.

I let out a long sigh. “Yeah. Yeah, man. I’m good. Just a little tired. Still catching my breath from that last run. Come on. Let’s find another good run!” I put on my best smile, hiding my feelings again before punching Collin back on his thigh. “You might beat me in the gym, but I’m still going to kick your ass out here.”

Collin snorts a puff of air before giving me a sidelong glance and dropping the topic, seemingly satisfied with my answer. And why wouldn’t he be? He doesn’t have any reason to think I’m anything but fine.

Leaning into the padded backrest of the chair lift, I look down at the snack in my hand and see the tattoo on my wrist. It’s the one I got right after I turned 18, right after I skied Jackson Hole’s toughest run for the first time nearly fifteen years ago. The corner of my mouth ticks up into a genuine, warm smile at the thought of that day.

◆◆◆

Fifteen Years Earlier

Some things never get old. Waiting here at the top of the mountain in the cold winter air, the wind is whipping flurries around the three of us like we’re in a snow globe. We’re standing at the top of a slope , ok maybe more of a cliff, with our ski tips dangling precariously over the edge. Nope, this feeling definitely never gets old.

I look over at Collin and Ronni. He’s still griping with her about how steep this run is.

“Come on, lil sis.” He points down into Corbett’s with both hands, raising his palms up as if we can’t see just how steep and gnarly the chute is, bound by imposing granite cliffs on either side. “This shit is crazy. There’s a reason we’ve never skied it, Veronica. Even my bro here hasn’t hit it yet!”

I’ll give him that. Corbett’s Couloir is Jackson Hole’s iconic run, always on the list of the scariest ski runs in the country. Plus being right in front of the aerial tram’s path, there’s an audience if you end up falling and biting it. They’re in town for President’s Day Weekend before they head back to their parents in Ohio. We’ve talked about doing this for years and we finally get a chance to do it with perfect weather and conditions while they’re here on a break.

I soak in the moment with them. Collin’s still arguing, trying to back out. But Ronni . She’s palming her face, shaking her head while strands of her long brown hair are blowing in the wind. They’re always so competitive and egging each other on. She’s trying not to laugh at her brother and it’s fucking adorable.

She turns in my direction, sending me a heart melting smile before glancing back to her brother.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad. We’ve definitely skied worse.” She elbows him before glancing back at me, flashing a soft but confident grin as she tilts her chin up. “Tell him, Tanner.”

I’m glad most of my face is covered by my neck warmer and goggles, because I can’t hide the shade of red my cheeks turn whenever she says my name or smiles at me.

“Ronni’s right, bro. We’re all gonna do it eventually. So quit being a little bitch and just send it.” I say, shrugging. He hems and haws, still unconvinced.

I start to gather myself, lining up to hit the tricky line. It’s a near vertical drop for about fifteen feet, bound by granite cliff walls on either side requiring two pinpoint turns, before it opens up into a more manageable, but still super steep, pitch. I haven’t hit it before, but the three of us always said we’d do it together before we graduated high school. It’s our senior year and they might only make it out one more time before the end of the season. So yeah, today’s the day. Let’s fucking send it.

I look back over at the twins to check in with them one last time before heading down the chute. Collin is still shaking his head. I’ve always been able to read his body language. Right now I can tell he’s not entirely sold on this run, even if he’s more than skilled enough for it. “Come on, bro. You got this. You’ll be fine. Let’s hit it!”

“Ugh. Yeah. You’re right. I’ll be ok. You want to go first though?” He looks at me, hoping I’ll show him the way and give him a confidence boost.

His sister groans and lets out a huff.

“Seriously, quit being so lame. Do you need a girl to show you how it’s done?” I watch as one side of her lips pulls up into what I think is a sly mischievous grin, her way of saying watch me . And I’m pretty sure she’s shooting me a wink under her tinted goggles. “Later bros !”

She clicks her ski poles together twice and before I can respond or even laugh, she drops down into the chute and I feel my heart skip a beat. She nails each of the tight turns effortlessly and confidently. I watch as she descends further down the steep pitch, her long hair flowing beautifully behind her in the wind. She skis off, taking my heart with her and I don’t even care.

It’s hers. She can keep it.

Forever.