Page 44

Tanner

Your Move

M y morning plow runs are a blur of anger and fear. After rushing through them and trying to calm myself down, I finally get back to the cabin. I can feel myself unraveling and I can’t sit or stand still. I don’t even bother going inside and I just start to walk down my driveway towards the road. I can feel the snow crunching under my boots with each step. I look around and my eyes strain, the bright white snow reflecting the light from the rising sun.

Before I realize it, my muscle memory has taken me to the dive bar off Moose Wilson Road, around the corner from the cabin. It’s later in the morning, but they have a kitchen and serve food for the locals trying to get a bite to eat before hitting the slopes.

I grab my usual stool, finally calm enough to sit down at least. Benjamin stands at the far end of the bar cleaning while Alexis, the other bartender, brings me a beer. I typically come here on days I’m not skiing for lunch and a beer after my morning plow runs. I nod to her before she walks off, looking at the sweating bottle in front of me without touching it.

I thought about ordering breakfast, but my stomach is in knots and the thought of food makes me nauseous right now. I can feel my legs trembling, my foot tapping away at the bottom rung of the barstool. My mind is racing.

My heart feels like its trying to claw it’s way out of my chest, tearing apart everything inside me on its way out. I feel like I’m either going to throw up or stroke out.

I think I just fucked up everything I’ve worked so hard for. I finally had everything I’ve ever wanted and I just needed to keep working for it.

Why did I have to say that to her? Why couldn’t I have just helped her stay calm and say we’ll see each other when you’re back again soon, let’s get you ready for your presentation? She trusted me and I let her down, not knowing what she needed. I should have just kept my feelings fucking buried.

That’s what happens.

When I share too much, shit just fucking blows up.

Fuck.

I watch the veins in my forearm straining as my hand grips the bottle. The fingers on my other hand are buried in my hair and I can feel my scalp burn as they clench into a fist.

I’m sitting here fighting the urge to scream. If I fucked everything up… if I hurt her…

“Tanner,” a voice from the entrance calls, stopping my thoughts in their tracks.

Shit. It’s Collin. My heart flips hearing him call me that. He never calls me Tanner .

This is the thing I feared the most. The thought of hurting her and him. Losing both of them is what always kept me from ever trying to pursue Ronni until these last couple of weeks.

I never fucking deserved her and now I deserve whatever is coming next. I’m the one that crossed the line with my friends.

I raise a hand, gesturing for him to come over. To my surprise, he calmly sits down on the stool next to me.

“How’d you find me?” I ask, almost afraid to look at him.

“Well, your truck is at your cabin and you weren’t there and there’s like, only one place you walk to from your cabin,” he says, raising a finger to Alexis, asking for a beer. “Also, you know you’re a dumbass, right?” he says, the corner of his mouth lifting before taking a sip of his beer before punching me in the shoulder. A small laugh escapes my closed mouth.

Thank god. At least he’s not that angry. But still, I wish he would have just left me alone.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” I say, finally taking a swig of my own beer.

“So, bro,” he says, taking another sip. “Are you alright?”

That is not what I expected him to say. I expected a what the hell is wrong with you . I expected a lecture about upsetting his sister. But not that. Not asking if I’m alright.

“I’m fine.” I grunt the words, not really thrilled about talking.

Collin exhales an exhausted, irritated sigh. “You’re fine? Really? I swear to god dude. You can’t keep doing this.”

I set my beer down on the bar and turn to face him as I grind my teeth together. “Doing what, Collin?”

He exhales slowly, his jaw tight. “Veronica told me about your mom…” He pauses and his throat bobs as he swallows. “I can’t even imagine. I’m sorry you felt like you had to carry that alone.”

Jesus. This is not how I thought my day would go. I thought I’d be waking up in bed next to the naked woman of my dreams. I did not think I’d be in a bar breaking down and talking about my dead mom.

He looks back at me, his jaw loosening and eyes softening. “But still. You know I love you dude, but you can’t just constantly put up this wall all the time and bottle shit up. You need to talk things out. You need to accept help and not be such a stubborn ass. Don’t be like your shithead, grumpy ass brother.”

I muster a laugh and turn away, looking back down at my hands on the bar. “She said the same thing.” My voice is practically a whisper. Damnit. That’s exactly what she told me.

“No shit, Tanner. She said that because she’s right. You need to let people help you and actually talk out whatever you’re going through. It’s not healthy or good to go through life like you are man. We love you too much to let you do that. I can’t believe you’ve been carrying that around for so long.” His expression is still unusually soft and concerned, one I can barely remember seeing him have over the years. “That’s why I fucking call you in the middle of the night when you’re out driving the plow. But we can only do so much. We can’t force you to talk things out. You need to try too. We care about you. So please, try.”

Damnit. Have I been fucking up this bad for that long that everyone knows I’ve been unhappy and lonely? Just last week, Collin tried to get me to open up on the chairlift but I deflected and said I was fine. He was worried and he did try. And my grandparents. Apparently they’ve been able to read me forever. Maybe the walls I was putting up weren’t as good as I thought and more people than I realized could see through. A knot grows in my stomach at the thought that people might have been trying to help me and were there for me and I was just too stubborn or oblivious to see it.

“Ok, Collin. I’ll try,” I mange to say, sincerely meaning it. Maybe if I had been better about opening up all along, things would be different.

“Good,” he says. “It’s about time. Just don’t share too much mushy shit with me all the time .”

A smile creeps on to my face, but I’m still a mess right now. “But what’s the point, Collin? I already fucked up and she’s going back to Ohio. This won’t change anything now. I wasted my shot.”

“Damn, ok. You really are a dumbass. You’ve clearly never been in a real relationship.” he says, smiling at me as if he knows something I don’t.

“Umm, ok? Then fill me in, Mr. Know It All.” Now I’m dying to know what he has to say.

“Look, Chap. You did fuck up. But neither of you were wrong, you’re just idiots that got upset and didn’t communicate. That’s not the end of the world.”

A sense of hope starts to creep back in my head. Can I actually fix this?

“And this isn’t your fault dude. The only ones to blame are that shit hole of a company and shit bag of a boss she works for. You two make each other better. I’ve never seen either of you this happy and that’s saying a lot. So. I think you can still fix this. I’ll help, but what’s your move?”

“I want to go see her. I want to hold her. I just want to go to the condo and stop her. I don’t want her to go,” I say, desperate to erase the last three hours.

His eyes fall to the ground. “Yeah, that’s probably not where I would start. She’s in full blown panic mode now. She’s got a one track mind and that’s all about this fucking presentation back at the office. She’s flying to SLC this afternoon and getting the first flight out tomorrow so she can make this client meeting.”

“Fuck. What the hell am I going to do?” I feel like I’m losing her, like she’s slipping through my fingers.

“Look, I know what she’s like when this happens. Remember, I’m her twin after all,” he says, peeling at the label on his beer, letting out a laugh. “We can do everything in the world to try and tell her to stop, relax, it’ll be fine. But when her anxiety is that bad and gets to this point, there’s only so much we can do. We’re just along for the ride. We can do everything to help avoid stressors and prevent it, but when it happens, we just gotta help her get through it.”

“So what, I should just do nothing ?” I look at Collin, trying to hide my irritation.

“Um, yeah. Exactly, sort of. For now, at least. If you try to convince her to stay right now, she’s just going to get frustrated and feel like you’re in her way, like you’re not listening to her.” I watch him as he takes a deep breath, like he’s remembering something from their past.

“I know it sucks, but sometimes that’s how it is dude. She’s called me or come to my place absolutely panicking so many times over the years. Back in college it would be about exams. Then when she graduated it would be big work projects, interviews for promotions, you name it.” Collin looks at me, taking another sip of his beer now. “It’s hard to reason with her sometimes. In her mind the only thing that matters is crossing this thing off her list so the stress and anxiety go away with it. And I know all I want to do, all I’m sure you wanted to do, is try to fix it for her or rationalize with her. But really, she just needs you to listen and you need to ask her what she needs to get through this. It may not make sense to you, but that’s sort of just how it is. And once she gets through this, she’ll be ready to listen.”

I take a minute to think about what he’s saying, spinning my beer bottle in my hand. I didn’t handle this great. I should have listened more. I should have just been there for her, however she needed me. Not try and talk her out of what she felt she needed to do, but just be there and support her decision.

While I replay the argument in my head, wishing I could get a chance to go back and get a do-over. I feel Collin’s hand rest on my shoulder.

“Seriously, stop beating yourself up.” He pauses again, shaking his head now as he mumbles under his breath. “I can’t believe I’m gonna fucking compare my sister to skiing, but here we are I guess… Dude, remember the first time we skied Corbett’s as kids? The conditions were perfect and we were feeling it. There was no way we weren’t gonna do it.”

He looks at me, expecting a response. I’m not sure if it’s the one he wants though. What I do remember about that day is Collin was being a little bitch and was afraid to go down the steep rocky chute. Ronni didn’t miss the chance to show up her brother and took the shot into the couloir while I was still egging Collin on to finally go.

My fucking Ronni. God I can’t believe I fucked this up.

“Ok. So what?” I look at him, still not sure what he’s getting at.

“Geez. I’m really going to have to spell it out for you then. My point is, this is your chance. Everything is lined up for you. You just have to let go, get out of your damn head, and send it Chap.”

Fuck me. He’s right. I need to stop moping around and make things happen.

“You know, you’re actually pretty good at this motivational shit, Collin,” I say, feeling the tension in my jaw slowly fade away.

“Yeah, no shit. Right? That’s half my job. So really, what are you thinking about doing?” He looks at me with a curious smile.

“I think I’ve only got one choice then really. But I’m also gonna need a favor. Or two.” I look at Collin, his eyebrow now raised, as he spins in his barstool to face me.

“Well now I’m the curious one,” he says. The smile on his face is the one I’ve known since we were boys, the one we both make when we’re about to do something dumb as hell, but fun.

“You ever driven a plow?” I ask, my expression matching his. Yep. This is gonna be crazy and dumb, that’s for sure.

“Are you serious? You know I haven’t but I’ve always wanted to!” He’s practically jumping out of his stool, grabbing both of my shoulders.

“So, you’re in?” I laugh at his reaction. “Just please don’t crash it or hit one of my clients’ houses, ok?”

“I’ll do my best.” He shrugs. “But what’s the other favor?”