Page 28

Veronica

Little Bitch Bear

T oday was surprisingly uneventful on the slopes. After calling it an early day and taking a much needed afternoon nap, we head to downtown Jackson to meet up with Tanner. I borrow Lizzy’s black sweater dress since I didn’t pack anything particularly exciting for the trip. I mean come on, I wasn’t planning on any of this to happen. No where on my itinerary was there a line for finding an impossibly handsome and sexy friend with benefits that wants to make me come every chance he gets. A man that I’m pretty sure gets off on just watching me smile. But now, part of me just wants to look good for a night on the town, another part of me wants to look good for Tanner. Even now, his confidence is oozing into me and I feel amazing tonight.

Tonight should be fun. A night out for drinks with Collin, Lizzy, and Tanner. But there’s a sinking feeling in my gut. It’s New Year’s Eve, and downtown Jackson is so romantic, and I have a man here that I think I might be starting to have feelings for.

No. One that I definitely have feelings for.

I can’t stop thinking about him every second. The way he makes my body feel is unreal. But the way my mind is clear when I’m with him is frighteningly welcome. But I can’t act on it, and have to settle for these little stolen moments with him.

Lizzy and Collin unsurprisingly both look fantastic. Lizzy is wearing a silver sequined nineteen-twenties styled cocktail dress with white cowboy boots. Collin is wearing slimming blue jeans, a nice white shirt, and a well tailored blue plaid blazer.

When we get to the bar, I’m flooded with nostalgia. Much like the Frisky Fox, it would be easy to come into this place and think it’s a cheesy tourist trap. But it’s been here since the thirties and remains authentic.

The first thing that jumps out is the size of the place. Running down the right hand side is an obscenely long bar. The counter is lined with thousands of old silver dollar coins covered in epoxy, like they’re floating in a sea of black. They were originally put there as a way to lure in visitors wanting to see them, and the trick still works today.

Behind the bar is a collection of old timey mirrors with bull horns above them. In front of the bar are some of the coolest bar stools I’ve ever seen, made out of old saddles that tourists pretend to live out there cowboy dreams on. The theme continues through the rest of the bar with wood paneled walls on all sides, wooden log support beams running down the middle of the room, and a collection of Old West artifacts throughout.

As I look down the long bar, I see Tanner. Even with his back to us, it’s easy to pick out his tall, broad frame while he talks to two bartenders. Seeing him now, I’m reminded of the sinking feeling in my stomach this morning when we got to the Tram Center and Tanner wasn’t there waiting for us with coffees in hand. It’s startling how much I have already gotten used to Tanner being there in the morning, a grounding presence to start my day.

We head his way and he turns around to greet us. As he looks at me, I stop in my tracks, looking at him from the ground up. He’s wearing a pair of clean brown Chelsea boots, a pair of perfectly faded jeans, a brown leather belt with a large western belt buckle, and a white and blue western shirt with pearl snap buttons. But his face, I can’t stop staring at it.

“Damn, Chap!” Collin shouts as he brushes past me and bear hugs Tanner. “You clean up well. I can’t remember the last time I saw you without a beard. What’s the occasion, bro?”

“New year, new me I guess,” he says looking at Lizzy before landing on me. “Gotta start the new year off right.”

“Looking fine , Chap,” Lizzy says, with a whistle as she eyes him.

“It’s a good look for you, Tanner,” I say, giving him a forearm to the ribs. “Didn’t realize you could clean up like that when you’re not in ski gear.”

I think I played that subtly enough. But he’s right. Definitely a new Tanner. I didn’t think he could look any better but fuck me, he sure can. His once scruffy beard is now shaved down to a near perfect five o’clock shadow, but his mustache is still full, just a bit more neatly trimmed. His chiseled jaw now that much more visible and it’s practically criminal how easy it is for him to flash his dimples without his beard. I can already feel sensations deep inside me rearing their head again.

As my eyes meet his, I realize he was doing the same to me, his eyes starting on my legs. I can feel my face start to go pink, blushing at his gaze. I’m a fair bit taller than Lizzy, so the dress shows more of my legs than I’m used to and he definitely took notice.

A man clearing his throat interrupts our moment. “Ladies and gents, what are you having tonight?”

We all turn to the two bartenders Tanner was talking with before we arrived, now eyeing us with exhausted looks.

“Guys. This is Benjamin and Alexis. They work here, but also over at another dive I’m at most of the time. So please, be nice to them. I have to see them even when you’re not in town,” Tanner says, looking down his nose at us as if to say behave please .

“We’ll make it easy on you,” Collin says, “four yellow jackets, please.”

As Collin waits for our beers, I look back to Lizzy and Tanner. “So Tanner, get all of your work in this morning?” I ask.

“Yeah, started at the crack of dawn as usual,” he says, “but I finished plowing early and dropped off some knives with Rex downtown before lunch with my grandparents. Even got a little work in on the other knife project. Starting to go well I think. How ‘bout you guys, good day so far?”

“Pretty good, Chap,” Lizzy chimes in. “Easy ski day and a nice afternoon nap. Got plenty of beauty sleep in too.”

Lizzy has hopped onto one of the barstools next to Collin, her bare legs on display as she looks at Tanner. Collin turns away from the bar, beers in hand now.

“Alright guys, I just wanted to say there’s no one else I’d rather be celebrating the new year with than you guys,” he says, raising his stubby beer bottle as we all bring ours in. “Now, cheers to us and whatever fortune the new year brings!”

After taking a sip of our drinks, Tanner looks at me with a smirk.

“Hey, Ronni,” Tanner says, “want to go check out the jukebox? I could use your musical taste.”

“Sure, I bet we can find something worthwhile. See you guys in a sec,” I say, looking back at Collin and Lizzy.

As we reach the jukebox, I look back toward the bar. I see Collin and Lizzy, now talking to a very handsome cowboy, sandwiched between them. He looks younger than her, but that’s her type. Tall, muscular, dark hair, a five o’clock shadow covering his square jaw as he smiles wildly. She’s never been shy about finding herself a boy toy. Lizzy is running her finger down his chest over his shirt while Collin talks to him, playing wingman for her.

Hah! Maybe Lizzy will find a cowboy to ride after all.

“Looks like they’re a bit distracted finally,” Tanner says, looking down at me before tilting my chin towards him, giving me a soft kiss. His touch sends shivers through me, bringing back all the memories my body has of him.

“I missed you this morning. I was getting used to my lift line coffees,” I say, smirking up at him.

He laughs, his sparkling eyes looking down at me. “You know if you lived here, I would gladly make that into an everyday thing for you.”

“I wish. But some of us have to live in the real world.” As I say this, a small frown crosses his face and he looks toward the ground.

“The real world… You know, it’s not all fun and games here, Ronni. It’s not always the fairy tale you think it is,” he says, the frown still trying to take over his face.

“What do you mean, Tanner? It’s me, you don’t have to bottle it up,” I ask, holding his hand tightly, lacing my fingers through his.

“It gets lonely here. Most of my old friends are gone, my parents left, and you guys aren’t here very often any more. It’s just… I feel alone most of the time. Sometimes I just feel…,” he says, hanging his head, looking at our hands now.

I feel a knot growing in my stomach. I’ve always thought of Tanner as this invincible, brash, happy go lucky person. But seeing him this vulnerable now, like how he was that first night in the mudroom, thinking of him being alone, feeling isolated here… it guts me.

“Tanner.” I squeeze his hand tighter. “I don’t know what’s happening with us yet or where it will go, but I can tell you one thing. Collin and I will always be here for you. Call us, text us, but please, just talk to us. Open up. You’re never alone.”

“Hey. I’m opening up now, aren’t I?” he says this with his characteristically smug look back after I let go of his hand.

“True. That’s a start. But talk to someone else too. Like your grandparents. They’re in town a decent amount,” I say, noting the surprised and then almost guilty expression.

“It’s funny you mention that. I might have opened up to them today,” he says, still wearing the same expression.

“Why do I get the sense I’m not going to be thrilled about this?” I furrow my brows looking at him sternly.

“Well we were talking about you guys being in town and one thing lead to another and yeah. I might have let it slip that something is going on between us.” He shrugs, his hands raised and palms out turned.

I stand in silence. On one hand, I’m thrilled he opened up to them. On the other hand, I’m terrified about what they know.

“I know. I’m sorry. I should have asked you. It just felt like I needed to get that off my chest and it was such a relief.” As he says this, I can see his body visibly relax. “Please don’t be mad?”

I rest my head back on his chest, hugging him tightly again. “I’m not mad, Tanner. But if we tell anyone else, can I be the one to do it?”

“Deal,” he says, planting a kiss on top of my head.

I wriggle out of his hug and peak toward the bar, seeing Collin and Lizzy still with the cowboy. With the coast clear, I lean forward, holding him closely, feeling his chest on my cheek, listening to his heart pound. Until that moment is interrupted by a buzz in my pocket.

I slide my phone out, checking the notifications. Lizzy texted me saying she’s got news. I assume that’s about the cowboy I just saw her with. But something else catches my eye. There are three new notifications on my office messenger app, all from Jeff. I just checked it this morning. It’s a holiday. Really, can he be serious? I open the first two, both questions about Earth SnaX I’ve already told him the answer to a dozen times at least. I just can’t catch a break from work, even on vacation.

I sigh and feel that familiar sense of dread come back over me. As if he could sense it too, I feel Tanner pull away from me, the warmth of his chest gone.

“Hey. It’s my turn to ask what’s wrong?” He looks down at me, a look of caution in those green eyes.

“It’s just work. I don’t get it. It just seems like I can never do enough for this guy, no matter how much I prepare and how hard I work.” I lean back against his chest, loving the feeling of being in his arms.

“I don’t know why you let it bother you so much. You should find something you actually enjoy. You could do anything you set your mind to. I mean it,” he says, resting his head on mine.

I laugh into his chest. “Remember, Tanner. Real world. Some of us have careers we want to keep building. What was it you said again? It’s not all fun and games here anyways?”

I note how his body tenses at my response. “Sorry. I just… don’t like seeing how it upsets you.”

I pull back from his embrace. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” I say, hand gesturing back towards the jukebox. “Now, how about something a bit more uplifting?”

“Ok. We can have some more fun, but you have to promise me to stop looking at your work email and messages so much while you’re here. Deal?”

I groan in exasperation. “Fine. If it keeps that smile on your face and I can keep seeing those dimples, sure. I will try to ignore my phone more. You’re right. It’s my vacation after all.”

“Good,” he says, now looking back up, his beautiful ear to ear smile returning, “Now how about we play some tunes?”

I move past him to the jukebox. It’s an old fashioned one that still has the hand placed paper labels for each song. I spot a familiar one, pointing it out to Tanner.

“That one.”

He looks down and smiles.

“Why did I even ask… I should have already known,” he says shaking his head, as he puts a quarter in and keys in the song.

“It’s too bad they haven’t released anything new in years. Since you’re such good friends with TJ, tell him to write a new song.” I nudge him playfully with my elbow.

“I’ll be sure to pass that along,” he says with a laugh.

I smile as the Teal Tigers’ song starts in the background, thinking about how many times I’ve listened to this song and now thinking about the night I shared with Tanner at TJ’s guesthouse. But there’s a small part of me that’s sad hearing it, thinking about how much I’d love to dance out on the floor with Tanner, in the open, not afraid to be seen.

I glance back over to the bar, now only seeing Lizzy talking to the cowboy. Shit. Where’s Collin? Did he see anything? Tanner senses my anxiety, seemingly reading my mind.

“Relax. I’ll find Collin. I’m pretty sure I know where he is,” he says. “Go have fun with Lizzy for a bit. We’ll catch up with you.”

I walk over to the bar, right as Lizzy waves to the cowboy walking away from her.

“Damn girl,” I say nodding my head at her in approval. “When you put your mind to it, you get shit done. I didn’t think you’d find a real cowboy in this town, but looks like you did.”

She looks at me, a sly grin on her face. “Well… he’s cute. That’s for sure. I did get his number, so we’ll see.”

I’m startled when I hear a familiar voice all the way across the bar over the noise of the crowd.

“Bull shit dude, I totally could.” Ugh. It’s Collin.

“Come on, Lizzy. Let’s go check on them. They found their old friend .”

Sure enough, as we walk to the other side of the main room by the stairs going down to the bathroom, we find Collin and Tanner in front of a large glass display case.

Since we’ve been old enough to drink and first came here, Tanner and Collin have mocked this taxidermied bear standing on its hind legs in the display case. The legend, well actually verified truth, is that a hunting guide came across this bear unexpectedly and was attacked. In the ensuing struggle, he managed to kill the bear with his bare hands.

So every time we’ve been in this bar over the last decade, Collin and Tanner inevitably insist that they could have killed it with their bare hands, like the story goes. It’s not the biggest Grizzly bear, standing just a bit taller than me, but for fucks sake, it’s a god damn Grizzly bear.

Now Collin, I have my doubts. Sorry, big bro. But, Tanner? Woof, I’ve seen that man’s body and the strength within it. I’m not putting anything out of his abilities.

“Um, is this your old friend ?” Lizzy asks with a confused look, bringing my attention back to the spectacle in front of me.

“Well, more like frenemy,” Collin says. “I still think I could take it.”

“No way, dude,” Tanner says, punching Collin in the shoulder, “you’re too small. I bet I could though. I could totally take down Little Bitch Bear.”

“See, Lizzy,” I interrupt, “they’ve been arguing for years, insisting that they could kill this bear with their bare hands.”

“Really?” she asks, eyeing Tanner now. “I’d watch that fight.”

“Whatever, V. I still think I could take it,” Collin says. “It’s still just Little Bitch Bear.”

As I stand here, watching Tanner and Collin continue to carry out this insane argument, I can’t help but smile and feel a familiar sense of joy watching this scene.

Collin is happy, enjoying the night out with his best friend. Lizzy manifested herself a cowboy, wherever that ends up going. And Tanner…

Tanner continues to surprise me. One second he’s his old boyish, confident self with Collin, convinced he could kill Little Bitch Bear. The same Tanner that gave me an unexpected earth shattering orgasm on a gondola. The Tanner that has shown little glimpses of vulnerability. The same Tanner that puts me at ease, letting me feel like the best version of myself I’ve been in ages.

Oh. Fuck.

Am I… falling in love with Tanner?