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Tanner

Toy Barn

“S o, what’s it like having a real coworker for a change?” Ronni looks at me from the passenger side of my truck. She’s scratching Rex’s head as he sits between us on the bench seat. He’s clearly chosen her over me, that little traitor. Can’t blame him though. He’s always liked her.

“Is that a question for me or him? He’s gotten way too used to spending these nights alone with me. So either way, he’s probably just as excited about having the extra company as I am.” I wink, scratching Rex’s head between his ears, our fingers brushing against each other’s.

I hear a little giggle, her lips barely parted in a smile, before she answers.

“Well, I still don’t speak Rex like you yet. So thanks for answering for both of you,” she says, smiling as she looks back at me. “So who’s crazy mansions do we get to see tonight? Come on, you spoiled me already by showing me Tommy freaking Jacob’s place the other night. You’re going to have to tell me about them all.”

“Hmm, alright. We’ll save the best for last,” I say, flicking my eyebrows up at her. “You’ll just have to wait.”

We stop at the Cowgirl Coffee drive thru for some caffeine, part of my usual routine before we make my rounds. She takes her usual large iced honey badger, still ordering an extra shot of espresso even at 8:00 PM.

“That’s… a lot ,” I say, laughing at her as she takes the first big gulp of her drink. “I’m like twice the size of you and even I don’t know if I could handle that much caffeine this late at night. I only got a medium and no extra shot.”

She smirks back at me, shrugging her shoulders, eyebrows raised. “I don’t think you’ll be complaining if I’m up all night with you.”

I feel myself holding my breath for just a second, my thighs clenching together. “Fair enough. I can’t argue with that logic.”

I lean over Rex, curled up between us, kissing her before we start making my rounds. I can taste her sweet, spicy coffee on her lips.

◆◆◆

It’s funny, as long as she’s been coming here to visit her grandparents, there are still places all over town she’s never seen. I love giving her an even more behind the scenes tour of a place she already knows so well.

Our first stop is a condo complex behind Target. I’ve always thought this place was weird, but I’m dying to see if I’m the only one that picks up on it.

“Wait, how many units are in this complex?” she asks, looking around the parking lot, eyes wide.

“There are twenty units, ten in that building and ten in the other,” I say, already knowing she’s seeing what I’ve always thought was bizarre.

“Ok. So twenty units. And there are like, nine or ten Honda Elements in this parking lot?” Her jaw is still hanging down as she looks around counting the old toaster shaped SUVs, pointing a finger at each one as she goes.

“Yep. Exactly. It’s weird as fuck, right? Like, are they all friends? Did one of them own one and the others were like oh hey that’s dope ?” I look at her, so glad she appreciates the weirdness of this parking lot as much as I do.

Next, we head to a small secluded neighborhood running along Flat Creek, with charming old cabins near the base of Snow Queen resort, Jackson’s other ski area. Her face is glued to the window. She looks like an excited kid watching all the little cabins go by, nestled carefully back in the trees. Since it’s still about a week or so after New Year’s, their lights are still up and they look like gingerbread houses. I love her reaction, showing her a place that she wouldn’t have had a reason to visit before.

“I had no idea this little neighborhood was here. It’s so cute!” she says, still looking out the passenger window.

“Roll down the window and listen,” I say, pulling into my turn around spot at the end of the road.

She turns her head so her ear is now facing the open window outside into the dark. I see the edges of her lips curl up into a smile.

“Is that… Flat Creek? Are those rapids?” Her voice is excited, almost giddy.

“Yep, sure are. This spot doesn’t freeze up in the winter, so the river still runs hard.”

She closes her eyes and keeps her ear turned outside to listen. “It’s so peaceful, so relaxing. A real life, natural white noise machine.”

If her eyes were open, she could see me nodding. I love these spots where nature collides with civilization and nature still wins out.

We head back towards Teton Village and Moose Wilson Road to tackle some of the bigger private drives and access roads, before finally getting to my favorite ones, usually my last stops.

“Oh my god, what’s that up there?” She points ahead excitedly, her voice almost squealing. In front of us is a gated street, with ornate stone columns supporting a wrought iron gate with an elk pattern formed into the metal. Behind the gate is a long evergreen lined road, showing no signs of what lies beyond.

“This is my second favorite,” I say. “It’s a large ranch. Super private and backs up to the river.”

There’s a stunned look on her face. “This is one house? One property?”

I laugh a little, my head nodding. “Well, sort of. It’s one property, one owner. But he’s got his main house, a guesthouse, a caretaker’s house, a horse barn, and a toy barn.”

The look on her face only shows more dismay. “How is this only your second favorite?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see,” I say, pressing the code to open the gate for the private drive.

We head down the road, passing their toy barn first.

“So what’s a toy barn exactly ?” She asks, her eyes glued to the fancy barn as we continue down the road.

“That’s where they keep their ATV’s, side by sides, snowmobiles, dirt bikes, you name it.”

She shakes her head in disbelief. “This place had to be tens of millions, right?”

“Yeah… but I can’t blame the guy. He actually lives here year round. He built the new main house as a place to retire and have his family come visit him. It used to be a big ranch but they’ve let nature take back over most of the land. He enjoys every second of this place though. I have no idea what it’d be like to have that much money, but if I did, this is what I’d want. Well, as long as I had someone like you to share it with.”

That last part gets me a smile. God, I love her smile.

“You know, maybe you could get a place like this one day. Take on a partner with the property management company and have more time for knives, get in some fancy restaurants. Get your name out there.”

I laugh shaking my head. “My knives are expensive but I think it’d take a couple lifetimes for me to make enough to afford a place like this.”

She playfully jabs my shoulder. “You know what I mean, Tanner . You’re good at what you do, all of it. I know you could grow both of your businesses and be great at it, if you wanted to.”

Something warm stirs in my heart and I can feel the corners of my eyes tighten. “Thank you, Ronni. No one ever takes me seriously like you do. So thank you, thank you for seeing me as someone besides that goofy, carefree kid everyone still thinks I am.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” she says as she squeezes my hand. “I’m glad I can be there for you, however you need me.”

A smirk takes over my face as we drive down the road.

“But what you said, if I wanted to , I’ve thought about that… a lot. I’d love to grow the businesses. I know I could do it, I’ve just never seen the point in it before though. The other day, though, Giselle even asked me if I would consider it. I have been thinking about it more and more. So it means a lot that you think I could too.”

The playful look on her face is gone and taken over by a more serious one. “I’m proud of you, Tanner. We’re proud of you, because I know Collin is too. You work hard, don’t think that people don’t see that. And you’re fearless when you set your mind to something. Whether it’s running your own businesses or skiing off a cliff, when you want something, you commit. Hard. Not many people can say that about themselves.”

I don’t know why her words cut through me like they do. I believe everything she’s saying. I know what I can do. I’m confident in myself. But hearing it from someone else, that someone really sees me, especially her, means so much.

We continue down the drive past the caretaker’s house, which is now just an extra guesthouse, the other barn, and finally reach the main house and the other guesthouse. Her eyes go wide when we reach them.

“Jesus, this place is nuts,” she says, taking in the massive complex in front of her.

“Well, you haven’t seen my favorite part of it,” I say, turning to drive down a path between the main house and guesthouse.

It takes us down towards the river, to the edge of a clearing in the trees. I throw the truck in park, turning off the engine but leaving the lights on.

She gives me a questioning look. There’s still a smile on her face, but I can tell she’s wondering why we’re here.

“Is this your secret make out spot?” she asks, taking a sip of her coffee, grinning at me.

A quick laugh escapes my closed lips. “Nope. Never brought anyone here besides Rex.”

“So then why are we here?” I watch her take another drink of her coffee, looking out at the clearing and then back to me.

“It’s where I like to come and think. We’re far from any of the developed parts of town or the village.” I stop to look at her, my hand running over her cheek before I point up towards the sky. “If you look up, you can still see stars on a clear night. The owner and his family don’t come down here very often, so I see a lot of wildlife too.”

I can hear myself exhale. I do love coming to this spot. But with Ronni here, it’s surreal. I can tell I’d be fine to open up more too. There’s so much I’ve thought of here, in this spot, over the years. I’ve been sad, missing Collin, my family, and her. I’ve dreamt of what it would be like to be with her right here in this clearing.

And now, I’m finally sitting here with her, wanting to tell her all of it. But I know there’s only so much time before she has to go back and we have so much to figure out.

“Hey.” She’s looking back at me, her eyes asking me to keep going. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Geez,” I snort. “You really do see right through me now.”

She nods at me and I can tell she’s hoping I’ll open up more. I watch her as she looks at Rex, scratching his head between us.

“I’ve always dreamt about sharing these nights with you. I’ve thought about you coming out with me on these runs, what life would be like if you were here all the time. And I don’t think there’s anything more in the world I could want than a life with you.”

“I sense there’s a but ?” she asks, her face still close to mine, her eyebrows raised in anticipation of what’s on my mind.

I sigh, looking down at the steering wheel and then to Rex, putting my hand on him to try and stay calm.

“I just… I don’t want you to feel like you have to give up your life in Ohio because of me. I’ve never felt like I was good enough, worthy enough, for someone like you to do something like that for me. I know it’s crazy to think that so soon, but what we have, it just feels so right and I want it to last forever. I don’t know what I need to do. I just know I’ll do anything for you.”

She puts her other hand on mine, cupping it in both of hers now, her soft fingers stroking the back of it. I can hear her inhale deeply, getting ready to say something.

“Tanner. I love you. So, so much.” Her eyes are sparkling, begging me to trust her and I do. “We will figure it out. Just please, keep fighting for it. You’re not alone, in life or in this. I can’t picture a life without you either now. It could be here, Dayton, a mix of both, whatever it looks like, we’ll figure it out. Together.”

Hearing her say that is like a weight lifted off my chest. “Thanks, Ronni. I love you too. I promise I will fight for this. Let’s make the most of the next few nights and work on everything else.”

She smiles back at me, but I can tell she’s thinking about something. “Why are you so afraid to do that, Tanner? To open up and share? You’re good at doing it with me.”

That is not the question I was expecting. Not at all. One I’ve avoided thinking about for a decade. I can feel my body go rigid just thinking about the answer. But for her, I want to do this. I lower my head, closing my eyes, almost afraid to look back at her. The silence lingers for what feels like ages before I finally speak.

“It’s not that I’m afraid to open up and share my feelings, Ronni. That’s not it.” I start, taking comfort in how she’s holding my hand. “Well maybe at first it was. It’s easier to share the fun stuff, the happy things though. I’ve gotten so much better about that. It’s the unpleasant stuff, sharing the things that are upsetting me, my burdens.”

Her voice is soft and soothing. “Why don’t you want to share those? I get you don’t want to tell just anyone, but you have people who care about you and love you. You can talk to them.”

I feel her hand gripping mine tighter. “That’s exactly what I am afraid of. Back when my parents first moved to Salt Lake with Grace and Clay, it was supposed to be temporary while they were in school. But after Grace graduated and got a job and stayed there, they had all built a life there.”

I open my eyes and look at her. Her eyes are locked on to me, watching me. “What’s that have to do with sharing the bad stuff, telling people how you feel?”

I close my eyes again, taking in a deep breath. “Because that’s the last conversation I had with my mom. She called to tell me that they were going to stay there, move there permanently. I had always hoped that they were going to come back. I was so upset, it already felt so lonely here. I didn’t hold back. I told her I was upset about it. She was so excited to tell me and I took that away from her. We were both mad at each other.”

I look back at her, rubbing the bit of moisture from the corner of my eye with the back of my forearm. “Neither of us wanted to give in. Dad finally got me to agree to call her after work a few weeks later. But before I was even done with work that night, I got a call from dad. It was the night of the accident. She… she was gone and there was nothing I could do to take it back.”

A few stray tears runs down from her beautiful hazel eyes. Her voice is almost a whisper. “Tanner. I… I had no idea. Does anyone know this? I’m so sorry.”

“Dad does. But that’s it.” My heart is pounding. I’ve never shared this with anyone else and it feels good to get it off my chest, even if the pain of reliving those feelings is almost unbearable. “But since then, I’ve just wanted to keep my own problems, my own shit, to myself. I don’t want to burden anyone else. I don’t want my problems to be something that comes between me and the people I love and care about.”

I take in her face, her eyes, the way she’s looking at me. There’s no judgement, no pity. Just compassion. “Tanner. I’m so sorry you felt like that was your fault, like you had to carry that around alone. I can’t imagine it. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep punishing yourself either. You were both adults. People make mistakes.”

“That doesn’t change how it feels. I’m terrified of that happening again, of driving someone else I love away,” I say through clenched teeth.

She grabs my chin, tilting it up, forcing me to look into her eyes. “You need to forgive yourself and let yourself feel safe enough to tell people how you really feel, the good and the bad. It’s not going to end badly every time. Sure it might be unpleasant when you tell someone something they don’t want to hear, but you keep coming back to them. You come back to each other when you love someone. If you’re worried about us, I’m not naive enough to think we won’t have bad days. But trust that I’m going to keep loving you. Just keep fighting for it, keep coming back to each other. Promise me that.”

Her words put my mind at ease. She’s right. And for her, I’ll do whatever it takes. “I will always come back to you, Ronni. Always."

I lean over Rex, hugging her, savoring the way she rests her head on my shoulders and the smell of her hair. It feels like I can exhale finally after holding in a breath for ages.

We sit here for a few more minutes watching the snow fall around us. I finally notice some movement on the edges of the clearing, the reason I came down here in the first place.

“Ronni, look,” I whisper, pointing to the river’s edge.

“What? I don’t see anything,” she says, her eyes scanning the area I pointed out.

Before I say anything else, she notices the brush rustling, snow falling off some low pines. A cow moose comes out of the brush, shaking the snow off her back, walking into the clearing.

“Oh my god,” she whispers, clutching my hand. “I always forget how big they are.”

“Just wait.” I put my finger to my lips, gesturing to be quiet before pointing back to the edge of the clearing.

The moose scans the clearing, seeing us. Finally, she looks back to the pines, letting out a low grunt. An older calf pokes its way out of the brush, catching up with its mother.

I look to Ronni, she’s fixated on the mother and calf making their way across the clearing, before stopping in front of a bush to graze.

“I forgot how this place really is on the edge of wilderness,” she says, breaking the silence. “I can see why this is your favorite of the places you help take care of. It’s beautiful.”

I run my fingers through her hair. She’s right about one thing.

“Well, it’s definitely beautiful. But it’s still not my favorite place here.”

She gives me a curious look. “Shit. I forgot you said it’s your second favorite. What could be better than this?”

I shrug, my eyebrows raised. “Honestly, it’s a no brainer. I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out already. I guess you’ll just have to wait and see. Only one more stop tonight.”

“Ugh. You just love surprises,” she says, her voice pretending to be annoyed as she presses her lips together into a line, trying to hide a smile and failing. She’s so cute when she does that.