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Veronica

Ride a Cowboy

“C an we start boarding already? I could really use that first class mimosa right about now,” Lizzy says impatiently, as we wait for the gate agent to start calling boarding zones.

“Hold your horses. Geez. I want to get on the plane and in our seats too,” I say, trying not to think about how much flying stresses me out. Well, not flying per se, but the chaos before the flight really. It’s always made me anxious. Who am I kidding? Almost everything makes me anxious. Packing my bags, getting to the airport hours ahead of time, parking shuttles, security lines, boarding, all of it just stressing me out.

And Lizzy knows I can’t relax until the boarding door is closed and we’re finally just along for the ride. And it being the day after Christmas, all of it is even more of an absolute madhouse. My anxiety levels are through the roof.

“I know it stresses you out, Veronica,” she says, raising her eyebrows in my direction. “Even with TSA Pre-check, you still insisted we get to the airport four hours early for a domestic flight. What gives girl? It’s vacation. Just let go.”

Ah Lizzy, sarcastic and sassy as always. I wish it were that simple to just let go .

“Ugh. I’m sorry. I know it’s excessive, but that’s me.” I smile back at her, shrugging.

Sorry, not sorry, Lizzy. I’ve known Elizabeth Frank, Lizzy, since college at Miami Oxford, just over a decade ago by now, and we’ve worked together for the last two years at Fischer Industries, a manufacturer of consumer packaging. She should know what she signed up for by going on vacation with me. She read the two page itinerary I made for Collin and her after all, at least I hope so.

“It’s fine, V. I’ve been looking forward to this ski trip so much though. I can’t wait to get to Wyoming, have a couple girls nights, get a few cocktails, and find a hunky cowboy. Didn’t you say there are some cool old cowboy bars there?” she asks with a mischievous grin.

For all of my anxious, neurotic, self-conscious tendencies, Lizzy is the opposite. A classically cute bubbly and flirtatious blonde. She’s stunningly fit with a big smile and effortlessly outgoing, but recently went through a bad breakup.

“Well first, I thought you were swearing off dating for a while? And second, yes there are some cowboy bars there, but I don’t think there are any real cowboys left in Jackson, Wyoming. Pretty sure it’s just tourists and local ski bros there now.” She registers my response, but looks undeterred as usual.

“Hmm. Well, I said I didn’t want to date anyone for now. But if I can find a nice rugged cowboy, I wouldn’t mind turning him into my own playground for a night. How’s that song go again, save a horse, ride a cowboy ?” She stares at me, eyebrows raised, with that same grin as she twirls her fist in the air like she’s about to throw a lasso.

Oh boy. What did I get myself into by bringing her on this trip. I laugh out loud picturing Lizzy roaming the city, hunting the bars of downtown Jackson like a feral wolf, looking for her dream cowboy.

Looking at her, she could certainly have her pick. Even now with her casual travel day choice of black yoga pants, heathered gray crop hoodie showing a hint of her toned stomach, perfectly clean sneakers, and her hair pulled back into a ponytail, she looks like a smoke show. Like a Pinterest post about travel day looks. I’ve always been envious of how she can make even athleisure wear look that good.

“Oh what’s so funny? You can’t tell me you haven’t thought of finding yourself a mountain man on all of your ski trips out to Jackson over the years?” She asks, knowing full well I’d love nothing more than a real, caring partner in my life.

“I mean… it’s crossed my mind. But let’s just focus on your cowboy first though,” I say, my eyes drifting down to the dirty terrazzo floor of the airport terminal, a small feeling of despair creeping into my thoughts.

I’ve been hopelessly single for years, my anxiety driven, workaholic lifestyle cutting into my social and dating life, where my only recent romantic partners are the ones resting quietly in the drawer of my nightstand in black silk bags. I’ve wanted career success for so long, but I’ve started to question if it’s worth the personal sacrifice.

My mind drifts off to thinking about the sad topic that is my love life, when I feel a buzz in my pocket.

Fuck, is that Jeff?

I pull my phone out, catching a glimpse at the notification on my work messenger app. Yep, it’s my boss, Jeff. What does he want now? I look at my phone before putting it away. My momentary silence does not go unnoticed, unfortunately.

“Was that Jeff? What could he possibly want right now?” Lizzy asks cautiously, her voice nearly drowned out by the sounds of waiting passengers crowding the gate area.

“It’s nothing. Just something for Earth SnaX and their new packaging line we’re proposing. I’ll get to it when we’re on the plane.” My answer is short. I’m ready to move on.

I dread thinking about work and Lizzy knows that, but sometimes it’s hard to not talk about it, seeing as we work together and know so many of the same people. Lizzy has only been working at Fischer in Dayton, Ohio for a couple years, but I started thirteen years ago as a starry eyed intern with big dreams of a hot shot marketing career. And while I should consider myself lucky and successful, I don’t know that I’ll ever be happy with my job anymore.

I still remember when I picked marketing as my major over a decade ago. I had grand illusions of working as a successful professional in New York City for a big name company. Somewhere with exciting products that was far away from the doldrums of the Midwest, where I grew up. But all these years laters and I’m still here.

Ok. Stop it V. That’s enough dwelling in the past.

It’s vacation time.

◆◆◆

The boarding door has now closed. Plea….

“About time,” I mutter, an audible sigh escaping me as I tune out the flight attendants announcement that’s still droning on in the background of the first class cabin. Lizzy silently nods in agreement. It’s Thursday afternoon, New Year’s Eve is in six days, and we’re finally in our seats and off on our way for a much needed getaway.

“Well, we’re in our seats and the door is closed. You know what that means. Vacation has officially started, Lizzy.” I can feel myself finally exhale and relax.

I mean at this point everything is literally out of my control, I’m not the pilot after all. With all of our work travel, we have become spoiled with free drinks on our flights, even short ones like this connecting flight from Salt Lake City, Utah to Jackson, Wyoming, where we got upgraded to first class thanks to our frequent flyer status.

I know the door is closed and it’s phones off time, but I still need to get this one last message out to Jeff, so he hopefully has enough for our presentation the week after next. Seriously does this guy ever take a break?! It’s the day after Christmas dude!

Monday he told me I was being turned down for a promotion I’ve been gunning at for years, again. Now he’s bugging me about Earth SnaX when I’ve had this trip planned all year? For fucks sake man.

Message sent. Ok, take a deep breath Veronica. Hopefully that’s enough to buy a few days of peace and quiet.

Lizzy eyes me as I put my phone into airplane mode at last.

“So what’d he want for Earth SnaX anyways? Aren’t they the snack bar company out in Oregon?” she asks. Although Lizzy and I both work at Fischer, she works in finance and only vaguely knows what I do on a day to day basis.

“Yeah… they’re the healthy snack bar maker that we just picked up as a client. So that’s his new pet topic that he can’t stop bugging me about right now,” I say, sighing as I slump into the comfortable first class seat. “We’re pitching them some cool ideas for sustainable packaging. It’s actually a fun project. I’m even starting to feel a bit invested in it.”

“So when’s the presentation again? Week after next?” Lizzy asks, sensing the slight change in my voice, knowing that I get excited about this project and working with them.

“Yep, while we’re still in Wyoming. I’m a little anxious about the meeting happening while we’re gone honestly,” I say, my eyes dropping to my hands as I nervously fiddle with my headphones, trying to plug them in to the seat back in front of me.

A quick laugh escapes Lizzy’s mouth. “Anxious? I love you, but you’re always high strung. So what is it now? You put together a killer set of marketing collateral for their new wrappers and bulk boxes. So what’s to worry about?”

I frown. “I don’t know. I just have a feeling that Jeff’s going to screw up the presentation and blame me or something. I wish it could have waited until I was back so I could just do it myself.”

Lizzy seems to sense my apprehension as we continue to talk about work, trying to shift the conversation a bit.

“Well, I guess if we have to make all those work trips, frequent flyer status is a decent perk after all, V. I could get used to more first class upgrades,” Lizzy says with her trademark eye roll.

I shrug, my heart not really in it.

“I guess you’re right.. but that is enough talk about work. Come on, let’s talk more about Jackson Hole. I’m dying to get back there finally.” The words coming out more forcefully this time.

Lizzy drops her eyes, face a little pink, and a brief hint of guilt flashes across her face. I think she got the message.

Less work. More fun. Come on, let’s go girl.

I have always been addicted to work, like my parents. My mom is a nurse, who worked mostly night shifts, while my dad is a regional sales manager for an industrial maintenance services provider. He is constantly traveling across the Midwest and Rust Belt visiting customers. While they were content to languish away in suburban Ohio, I wanted desperately to get away from home.

Unfortunately, life hasn’t exactly played out the way I thought it would. Eighteen year old Veronica would ask present day, burnt out Veronica, What the actual fuck are you doing? And she’s right, I ask myself this more and more these days and struggle to come up with a good answer most of the time. I’m thirty four, and what do I have to show for it besides living in my hometown, working at a job that doesn’t appreciate me, a job that I might actually be starting to hate?

While the work and the company wasn’t exciting during my intern days, I got great experience and there was room to advance, or so I thought at the time. I also lived at home, close to campus, and saved money. It was the smart, sensible thing to do. By the book, according to the plan.

Practical Veronica always winning out over Fun Veronica.

After graduating, I stayed on as a full time Marketing Specialist, and things were going well the first few years. I got some small promotions early on, I was making good money, there really wasn’t much to complain about. I kept busting my ass and putting in long hours. Just before my thirtieth birthday, I finally got to manage my own marketing team specializing in health and snack foods. It was all going according to plan at that point.

Fast forward five years, I’ve been passed over several times for a promotion to Marketing Director of North America, despite my outstanding performance reviews.

My path is seemingly blocked by out of touch old men, who probably should have retired years ago. What does a girl have to do to get past the good old boys club?

My boss, Jeff Flaherty, certainly isn’t doing me any favors. He’s a squirrel brained micromanager, who needles me about random, different topics out of the blue throughout the day on chat and by text.

Hello.

Hey.

Veronica.

What are you doing right now?

Where are you?

A constant barrage of single word messages or vague questions with zero context and no hint of what’s next. I mean who does that?

Each erratic, unpredictable ping on my laptop or text message on my phone prompts a new rush of crippling anxiety and a mini panic attack. Sometimes I freeze and shut down, waiting for what’s next. Other times I think I should cut him slack for being an old borderline Boomer that clearly didn’t grow up with texting or DMs to learn modern day communication etiquette. Then I remember the near constant anxiety spiral he causes and think hell no, do fucking better.

Each year that goes by like this, my self doubt grows. I’ve given up so much while focusing on work, with practically no social life outside of my brother Collin, and Lizzy.

I look over to Lizzy. Shit. I’ve been zoned out too long. As if she’s been reading my mind, she’s eyeing me, a finger resting on her lips.

“So… a cowboy for me. But what about you V, what have you been craving? ” she asks, raising her eyebrows as a grin takes shape.

The question is perfectly timed, but I’m still caught off guard and nearly choke on my water.

“Ughhhh. What?” I ask, still not sure what she’s getting at.

“What do you want, V? It’s vacation, we can have some fun out there, find some fuckboys or fuck cow boys. Is that a thing?” she says, looking up, holding her chin between her thumb and finger, pondering her own question. I notice the man in the row next to us shift awkwardly in his seat and cover his mouth, trying not to laugh at Lizzy’s question.

“Lizzy. No, not happening. You know I don’t have time for a dating life, and even if I did, have you seen the options out there? The dating pool is practically empty.” I wipe my lips with the back of my hand, cleaning off the water I spit out.

“Oh come on. I know you want to find that special someone.” She pushes, clearly enjoying how uncomfortable she’s making me, as I try to sink further into the seat to hide.

“Nope, not doing this right now,” I say, putting my hand up trying to move her off of this topic.”Let’s stay focused on finding your cowboy.”

She’s not wrong though. It’s certainly not that I don’t want to find someone, to find love . I would kill to find… my person .

A partner to come home to and enjoy dinner with after a long hard day. A companion to tell me everything is going be ok when I’m doom spiraling. A lover to hold me before bed, feeling their breath against the back of my neck as I drift off to sleep, and ok fine, do other things with. A man that looks at me like I’m the only person in their entire world. One that lights a fire deep inside me and makes the hair on my skin stand just by being near me.

I want that. I want all of it.

But dating is hard.

The apps, waiting for a text back, getting stood up, all of it just adds a layer of uncertainty to my life, one I’m not sure I can handle right now. It just doesn’t feel worth it. Thinking about this now as I sit on the plane, I feel the tension growing in my face, the harbinger of possible tears in my near future.

No V, we are absolutely not doing this now. No crying on vacation.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for two weeks off work and on the slopes. You sure you’re ready for a real mountain?” I say with a wink. The question was rhetorical of course.

Lizzy is a great skier who’s spent countless winters with her family in Aspen Valley, Utah. Is that the same as the steep chutes and powder at Jackson Hole, where Collin and I have been skiing since we could barely walk? No, but she can handle herself on the slopes.

“Ha. Very funny V. You know I’m always ready for a challenge. Besides, you’ll be out in Aspen Valley with me in February, so you’ll get to see for yourself if you think it’s that easy of a mountain.” Even after years of living with her in college, I still forget how she makes everything seem so easy and effortless.

If you could sum Lizzy up in two words, it would be Always. On. All smiles, ready for a night out, a spin class, dessert, an impromptu girls trip, you name it. She’s always ready with a snarky come back prepared, like a grown version of a character from Mean Girls.

While I toiled away back home in Midwestern mid-level corporate purgatory, Lizzy did in fact get an internship at an exciting start-up on the west coast. She spent her first 4 years after college working there before moving home to Dayton. That shiny, exciting tech startup internship and early work on her résumé, combined with her firecracker personality, seemed to open up doors for her to climb the ladder faster. By the time she joined me at Fischer, she came in as a Director, albeit in our finance department.

It sucks, but it is what it is and I’m proud of her. She’s an amazing friend and works hard for what she has.

I look over at Lizzy. Even on the short flight, she has a book out she started on the first connecting flight this morning. This one is called Scorned and Spurred. The bright orange and blue cover has clipart of a cowboy with his arms crossed watching a cute girl walk by.

I clear my throat, getting her attention. “Did you really bring cowboy smut for this trip, Lizzy?”

She looks up at me startled, then rolls her eyes at me exhaling. “Don’t be such a prude, V. Just doing my homework, you know? I gotta get in the zone if I’m going to go cowboy hunting. You should take notes. You could use a little more excitement in your life.”

I let out a little chuckle.“Yeah, I’m down for some excitement on the mountain too. The fresh crisp cool air, the beauty of the Tetons, a few nights out for drinks, maybe I’ll even be your wing- woman while you hunt down that cowboy.”

That last line gets a laugh out of her.

“I’m telling you, V. I’m gonna find a cowboy. Just watch me work,” she says.

I can’t help but shake my head and laugh. I’m starting to believe she’ll pull it off when she’s this serious.

“Geez. I didn’t realize how ready I am for this trip. All of it, even catching up with Collin too,” I say, winking at her.

Saying it out loud now, I’m starting to believe myself and actually looking forward to unplugging on this trip. I rarely take much time off, so this trip is a rare treat to get more than two weeks off at once. Thankfully, I was able to combine the week long holiday office closure, a little of this year’s vacation time, and a week of next year’s vacation time for the first week in January.

“Of course you are ready, V. You’ve practically planned the next two weeks down to the hour!” Lizzy scoffs.

Ok. She’s pretty on point with that. I’m a fanatical planner. I get a sense of relief, of control over my life. It doesn’t always work out, case in my point my life right now, but at least I feel prepared.

“And speaking of your brother, remind me again why Collin is going to be there with us?” Lizzy asks head recoiled back, raising her perfectly sculpted eyebrows.

I know she wanted this to be a girls trip, but it’s Collin’s condo too. I mean I get her hesitation still. Despite her being my best friend for over a decade, Collin and her have only met in passing a couple of times over the years. When we were in college, Collin was an hour away at the University of Cincinnati. Then when we graduated, she was on west coast while he stayed in Cincinnati. It just always seemed like they were ships passing in the night at the edges of my life.

I laugh, reminding her that Collin being at the condo will have its perks. “Just think of him as our house boy? Lighting the fireplace for us, taking out the trash, picking up carryout. You know, all the stuff we don’t want to deal with on vacation.”

We cackle together at the thought of it.

“Ok,V. I guess that’ll be fine,” she says with a smile and an eye roll as we’re interrupted by the flight attendant with our mimosas.

“Just what I needed. Nothing gets the vacation started like a mimosa. Am I right?” I say, still smirking about Collin.

“Duh, girl. We’re gonna need more of these on the trip for sure! I hope Collin has the condo stocked with OJ and Prosecco. Or is that off limits for him to buy too, and a liquor store run is already planned?” she asks, eyebrows raised looking down her nose at me.

“Lizzy Lizzy Lizzy…” I shake my head, a wide smirk on my face. “You’re damn right I planned for that. There’s a liquor store attached to the grocery store. One stop shopping.”

“Fine by me. More time for drinks at this condo I’ve heard so much about,” she says as she raises her glass in my direction.

“Vacation mode?” I raise my glass to hers.

“Vacation mode.” She looks at me gleefully as we clink our glasses.