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Full Send

I drive home while the radio in my Sprinter van is on in the background, not even registering what’s playing. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. Did I really do that? Years of wanting Ronni and now… now is when I finally decide to go after her?

I palm my face, shaking my head. I can feel the shit eating grin plastered on my face. I definitely did it. I sent it. I really did kiss her.

That kiss though. The way she stared me down, grinding herself into me. The feeling of her tongue in my mouth. And she didn’t slap me or pull away. She leaned back in for more.

Yep, totally worth it.

I still feel a sense of panic as it dawns on me that I guess it’s all or nothing now. My cards are on the table. I find Ronni first thing tomorrow morning and either go for it all or apologize and hope I didn’t fuck up everything else. I’m already bringing her coffee. It’ll either be a peace offering or a promise now.

Ugh, can I just get home already. It’s only a fifteen minute drive but feels like an eternity now. I want to be back at the cabin, sit down on my couch, grab a beer, and take a breath. I really just kissed the girl I’ve been in love with for years. My best friend’s twin sister. A family friend. Fuckin’ hell.

What if Collin finds out? Doubt she’s gonna tell him tonight, he’s still blacked out on their couch. But tomorrow? I don’t know what I’d do if I ruined my friendship with him, much less both of them. I’d really be alone then.

As I pull into my driveway, the feeling of dread is partly replaced with something else. Something foreign. A sense of hope, optimism, a spark that’s been missing. Maybe I really can land the woman of my dreams?

The feelings I’ve hidden for years all come rushing back like an avalanche and I can feel myself getting swept up in it. I’ve tried so hard for years to hide how much I’ve wanted her. My immature behavior, the jokes, the attitude, the shenanigans with Collin. All of it a crudely built, but surprisingly effective, shield meant to hide my feelings for her and my depression from everyone around me. That’s all out the window now. She’s seen through a crack in that decades old wall I’ve kept up and I can’t hide it any more.

Shit. I don’t want to hide it now.

She’s the one that could see through it finally. I keep going back to her words.

You sure you’re alright, Tanner?

Ok, sure. She was the source of what was on my mind all night. Yeah. But she still saw through me, saw me . And she cared enough to ask if I was ok and then to ask again, not just drop it. Not like everyone else. Oh it’s just Chap being Chap. Nothing’s ever wrong with him.

God damn I feel alive again, my steady and calm heart now pounding like crazy in my chest. I want this so bad. I can feel it throughout my body. Literally, my whole body.

I’ve been replaying that kiss over and over in my head. The fire burning in me thinking about the feeling of her finger tip creeping into my jeans, her grinding up on me in those yoga pants, the thoughts getting louder and louder in my head the entire way home.

Great. It was hot as fuck but now my dick is fucking hard , throbbing and pushing against the button fly of my jeans so much it’s starting to hurt. I can practically hear my molars grinding.

Calm the fuck down. You’ve got work to do here bud.

As I park and shut the door behind me, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I open them before letting out a long exhale, watching my breath ripple away from me in the cold dark air.

Damn. It’s good to feel alive again. I could get used to this feeling.

As I walk in the cabin, I’m greeted by Rex, excited as always. Maybe even a bit more pep in his step, like he can read my mind. Or maybe I’ve just been talking to him for way too long now. Who cares? Even for an old boy, he still has that Aussie Cattle Dog burst of excitement every time I come home.

“Hey buddy. Good to see you too.” I can hardly contain my laughter, getting a puzzled head tilt from Rex. Yeah, that really happened. She really said that. I think about how flush she got after I caught her eyeing me. The girl I’ve wanted for years really undressed me with her eyes. Well, I was already half undressed but still. Maybe I do have a chance after all.

Alright, I need to get shit done if I’m going to hit first chair tomorrow with them and make the best of this spot I put myself in.

A beer sounds great right about now. I grab a yellow jacket from the fridge then I drop onto the couch and open my laptop, sitting a bit awkwardly with the situation in my pants.

Ugh. I need to focus and my dick is not helping.

I’m quickly joined by Rex who curls up in his usual spot by my side, quietly judging me for withholding attention.

“I know bud, dad’s got to work for a bit so I can spend time with Ronni tomorrow. We’ll go play before bed.” He doesn’t look convinced, but lowers his head onto the couch anyways.

Fortunately being a property manager is pretty easy when you’re handy and have free time. I need to check my schedule tomorrow for any check ins or check outs coming up that I need to handle on top of plowing at dawn. Tomorrow is Sunday and those are normally pretty easy, with most people checking in earlier in the week.

I take a quick look at my schedule portal. Ok, schedule’s clear. Lucky me, I guess.

Maybe the cards are going to fall my way after all.

As I finally start to calm down from the excitement of the last hour, I close my laptop and look for the tv remote on the coffee table.

God, the coffee table is a mess. Shit, my whole cabin is a mess. I look around the place… yep. A single guy definitely lives here. Thank god no one is coming over.

The coffee table is littered with dirty ski base layers, random topographic backcountry maps, a set of touring bindings I need to clean, fix, and remount and other bullshit. Let’s not even get started with my kitchen counter and dining room table. When was the last time I even used that to eat at?

I need to clean this place up. I can’t imagine what a girl would think if I actually brought someone home. As I start cleaning, I find my nail clipper and file on the coffee table buried under my wool long johns. Huh that’s where that was. I could use a nail trim. Put that on my shit to get done list tonight, I guess. Ah, there’s the remote. How’d that even get under my throw pillow?

I look over at Rex. “Was that you?” No reaction from him. “Sure bud… play it cool like that. I’m watching you,” I say as I look down my nose towards him, pointing a finger at him like I know he’s responsible.

It’s a moment like this where I would normally head out to my workshop with Rex and toil away on a knife. Most nights, it would be exactly what I need to clear my head. But tonight, I’m just tired and my head won’t be in it. The ones I’m working on now are a bit crazy, a ten inch k-tip chef’s knife with a Damascus steel blade and matching petty knife.

I haven’t tried this particular combo of metals before though. I’m using the same typical high carbon steel I’ve been using lately, but trying some salvaged milder steel I found around the barn as the second part of the Damascus mix. My first attempt at forging this into something good enough for a blade went nowhere, but I think I have an idea on how to make it work now. Either way, I’ll get back to it soon enough.

While I try to wind down, I grab another beer from the fridge and turn on the TV for a bit to check the weather forecast. Looking like snow again.

Hell yes. I could use a powder day.

The thought of being knee deep in pow, bobbing along through the turns down a steep bowl, chasing Ronni. Ok, well maybe she’s chasing me but that’s not the point. The thought of a ski day like that after tonight sends fire through my skin, my heart racing.

Fuck it feels good to… feel this again.

I click off the TV and head towards the door with my beer.

“Ok, Rex. Let’s go bud.” I grab Rex’s ball and crack the door. Rex leaps off the couch, eager to start our nightly routine.

For the last few years, waiting for the times Collin comes to town, Rex has practically been my best friend. Sure I know people in town and see my grandparents, but it just gets lonely here. Rex is the best sidekick I could ask for. Always there. Always happy to see me. You just have to love dogs.

“Alright boy. Go!” I toss the ball towards the barn. Fucking dogs I think as I laugh out loud into the cold night air. I could watch Rex sprint across the path in the snow covered ground he’s worn out forever.

Playing toss with Rex, beer in hand, watching my breath in the frosty night, is exactly what I need to refocus on what went down tonight and what’s ahead for me.

I’ve buried this hope, this dream, in me for so long. The idea of making a plan to make it come true is a startling, but oddly grounding feeling. Something that, for years, was just a dream is now a real, actionable thing. I just can’t believe I’m here right now. These feelings deep inside me are scary as fuck.

Hope, happiness, optimism, but also the fear of losing all of it.

But still, there’s a chance I can do this and get to have what I’ve wanted for so many years. My skin tingles at the thought, goosebumps up and down my arms, hair standing.

I take a deep breath. Ok. Girl of your dreams, Chap.

Let’s make it fucking happen.

Full send.