Page 30

Tanner

Captain

C ollin’s expression is blank. Between kissing Ronni, and the way Collin and Lizzy arestaring at us now, I can feel my heart trying to jump out of my fucking chest. He’s practically a brother to me, but I can’t read his face right now. I swallow, but can’t make the knot in my throat go away.

“Celebrating the New Year a bit early, aren’t we?” Collin asks, finally breaking the silence.

“Collin. I swear. We wanted to-,” I start to talk before he bursts out laughing. I look to Ronni, the terrified expression on her face is gone. She’s now eyeing Collin with suspicion, one eye squinting and an eyebrow raised.

Collin finally manages to stop laughing long enough to talk.

“Oh man, I had you guys. You should have seen your faces,” he says, still bent over at the waist, hands on knees as he starts laughing again. Lizzy now joins him, cackling maniacally.

“Um. What?” I ask, still not sure what the fuck is happening. Is he mad? Does he think this is a joke? Ronni looks at me, clearly wondering the same thing.

“Dude. You’re my best friend, practically my brother. V, you’re my literal twin sister. You guys think you could sneak around sharing little grins and winks for days without me figuring it out? That’s fucking cute.” He takes a deep breath before exhaling. I think he finally got the laughing out of his system.

“Well, I didn’t know,” Lizzy says, interrupting Collin while he revels in scaring the shit out of us for what felt like forever.

“You little fucking shit, Collin,” Ronni says. “That’s not cool.”

“Oh I beg to differ,” he snorts. “The look on your faces was totally worth it.”

“So, to be clear, you’re not mad?” I ask, finally able to exhale.

Collin straightens up, walking towards Ronni and me, putting a hand on both of our shoulders.

“Not at all guys,” he says, bringing both of us in for a hug, “not at all.”

He pulls back, looking at us both now.

“But I swear to god, don’t fucking hurt each other.” His face is serious, pointing a finger at me, then Ronni. We both nod.

“Alright, I’m all for this. But can we carry on now? I still want to see the rest of town and stop for ice cream.” The three of us turn towards Lizzy, clearly unashamed at interrupting the moment.

“What? I’m cold and about to get hangry. Let’s go. We got all week for touchy feely shit guys.” She waves for us to follow.

“You really want ice cream in this cold ass weather?” Collin looks back to Lizzy, waiting for an answer.

She huffs. “I guess I’m sort of like V with her iced coffee obsession. Maybe she’s not that crazy after all.”

“Alright, alright,” I say, holding Ronni’s hand walking past Collin and out in front of Lizzy, “if you guys want ice cream, let us lead the way.”

Well, that went better than I expected.

We walk through town, Ronni and I hand in hand, her head on my shoulder. I have to admit, it does feel better not hiding from Collin and Lizzy. I’m just glad I don’t have to worry about him now. It’s such an incredible relief.

After getting cones, we sit outside the ice cream parlor on a pair of benches. We’re on one of the boardwalks, opposite the town square.

“Jeez, this ice cream is great but I’m exhausted now. Roll me away and throw me in bed please,” Lizzy says, trying not to nod off on the bench with Collin.

“Yeah, it’s been a long night and I didn’t even have any tequila shots at the bar. I’m ready to sleep,” he says.

“We are so lame guys, we’re all getting old. You realize that, right?” Lizzy looks at all of us, still enjoying her ice cream in a waffle cone.

Everyone looks at each other, sighing in acknowledgement.

Ugh, she’s spot on. Even I’m tired. I’ve been up since the crack of dawn working and the nerves from worrying about Collin’s reaction are taking a toll on me tonight.

“Alright, let’s call an Uber to get back to the condo. I’m ready to get a solid night’s sleep,” Collin says, getting up from the bench.

Ronni and I stand up. I grab her hands, pulling her in for a hug.

“See you tomorrow, horny badger,” I say smirking. She’s still not amused by my nickname, but I fucking love it. She blushes even more now that Collin and Lizzy know about us. I want her to come home with me so bad tonight. I want to spend the night with her, waking up to her by my side in the morning, starting a bright new year together.

“Seriously, I’m right here guys,” Collin says, his brow furrowed as he looks at us.

“Sorry, Collin.” I look down at the ground.

“Gotcha again,” he says, now smiling. “Seriously, stop trying to hide. I’ll admit though, it was adorable for a bit. If you guys want to stay up and ring in the new year together at Tanner’s place, go for it. It doesn’t bother me.”

I look at Ronni, a bit surprised but also totally happy about it. She nods, a smile growing on her face before she rests her head back on my chest.

“Thanks, Collin,” I say nodding. “How about instead of 8:30 Tram Center, we’ll see y’all at the condo around 7:30? I’ll bring coffees and pastries.”

“Sounds perfect to me,” Lizzy says, yawning and shuffling her feet. She’s clearly ready for bed.

“Awesome,” Ronni says. “Happy New Year guys. We’ll see you in the morning.”

“Happy New Year to you too, lovebirds,” Collin says. “Love you both.”

After Collin and Lizzy catch an Uber back home, Ronni and I head back to the truck to go back to my place. The whole ride back, I can’t take my eyes off her, holding her hand for the entire fifteen minute drive.

“That went surprisingly well,” she says, exhaling a much needed sigh of relief.

I chuckle. “You have no idea how terrified I was, Ronni. I’ve played that moment out in my head hundreds of times over the years and never once did it go that way.”

“Are you telling me you were afraid of Collin?” she asks, sitting up straight now, eyebrows raised. “You can’t tell me the unflappable Tanner Chapman is afraid of my brother? The same Collin that bitched out on Corbett’s and wouldn’t go down until both of us did? The same Collin that would obviously lose to Little Bitch Bear?”

I can feel myself frowning. I hate talking about my feelings. I try to bury this so much and hide it, but with her it’s like she can just tell what’s going on in my head. I keep thinking about the mudroom, and she knew something was off with me that night. It’s like… I actually want to tell her everything that’s going on in my head now, to stop hiding my fears and problems.

“I wasn’t afraid of Collin, that’s not it. I’ve been afraid of losing him for years.” Ugh it feels surprisingly good to say that out loud.

“Why would you lose him, Tanner? Because of me?” She’s looking at me with a surprised expression on her face. She grabs my hand again and the warmth from her touch makes me want to keep sharing everything.

“Because Ronni, I’ve had feelings for you as long as I can remember. But Collin’s my best friend. And every time I think about you and wanting to try and tell you how I feel, to make something happen, my mind immediately goes to what happens if it goes wrong, if Collin ends up hating me, if I lose both of you. I’ve been so afraid of that for years. And every time I think of that, of feeling even more alone, I just... I just shut down and want to turn off my thoughts, to drown out the pain somehow.”

Fuck me. I’ve never said that out loud to anyone.

Today is a day for firsts apparently. First, opening up to my grandparents about this. Now, opening up to her even more.

I look over at her in the passenger seat. There’s a look of sadness in her sparkling hazel eyes, but also one of understanding and compassion.

“Tanner,” she says softly, still holding my hand, “thank you for telling me that. It’s ok to talk. It’s ok to let it out. Please. Keep doing this. You can always talk to me, to Collin. You know that, right? Maybe you should start taking your own advice more, just send it and tell people what’s bothering you. Also, I’m pretty sure it would take more than trying to be serious and date me to make Collin hate you.”

She laughs after the last bit.

“Are you saying… we’re dating then?” I ask, as we pull into the driveway, eyeing her carefully.

She laughs before leaning forward to give me a kiss.

“Fuck it,” she says, “yes, we’re dating.”

I can feel myself grinning ear to ear as I lean towards her to kiss her. Her mouth opens to greet mine. God it feels so good, to feel her tongue slide along mine, hearing her breathe so close to me.

But maybe she’s also right. Maybe I do need to start opening up and talking more about what’s bothering me. It was ok today with my grandparents. Nothing bad happened. If anything it felt like a relief to be vulnerable. I’ve always been so willing to take physical risks on the mountain, on the river, in the backcountry, and with other dumb stunts. I’ve always been ok with those risks, accepting them and thinking the best case will still play out. But when it comes to emotional risks, being vulnerable, I’ve always just shut down and been unwilling to take them, fearing the worst case.

Maybe it won’t always be like it was a decade ago with mom.

And with Ronni now, I was so wrapped up in my head about Collin getting mad or upset about me being into Ronni that I was absolutely unwilling to risk it. I assumed the worst was always going to happen, that I’d end up with neither of them in my life. I never once let myself think that everything would be ok. I never once thought that Collin wouldn’t care or maybe even be happy that we were interested in each other. And after tonight, the way he reacted so well, I can’t help but think I should have done this years ago. Maybe if I had taken the risk then, I could have had so much more time with her.

I look back over at her in the passenger seat, still smiling at me, her hand on my thigh. If opening up means more times like these with her, then I will fucking try to keep doing it.

“Come on, let’s get inside. Someone wants to see you.” I gesture towards the cabin with my head.

As we walk in, Rex is there and practically jumps into Ronni’s arms.

“Well hey there, Captain! It’s been a while. Are you still the bestest boy?!”

She gets down on her knees, scratching him behind both ears giggling the whole time.

“Captain? You remembered his full name, Captain Rex?” My jaw drops. I can’t fucking believe she remembered that.

I actually might be a bit jealous at how much of her attention he’s getting.

“You seriously think I forgot his name was Captain Rex? Did you forget how many times I watched those movies and cartoons with you and Collin, even when you guys were in your twenties?” She looks at me, rolling her eyes.

Yep. She’s perfect.