Page 84 of Endure the Pain

“I’ll leave you to it.” I pushed off the frame and went into my room across from his. Once inside, I shut my door and lay down on my bed. My gaze immediately went to the ceiling. Pinned to it, directly over my bed, were pictures of every Aryan in Buck’s gang. It was strange, yes. But each night as I lay there and my pain threatened to consume me, I’d stare up. Seeing their faces added fuel to my rage and strengthened my resolve. I was going to make them all pay.

There was a knock on my door before Dean let himself in and closed the door behind him. He sat on the bed next to me with his back resting against the headboard. I watched as he reached into his jacket, pulled out a joint, and lit it. He took one puff, then a second, and leaned his head back as if in rapture and exhaled slowly.

Without saying a word, he held the joint out to me and I took it. “Aren’t cops supposed to be against drug use?” I asked and brought the joint to my lips. The smoke filled my lungs and, like Dean, I released it slowly.

“I used to smoke this shit all the time in high school. I had to give it up when I signed up for the military and I felt like a hypocrite every time I’d bust someone for possession after I became a cop,” he said. “Being undercover gave me an excuse to start smoking it again.”

I handed the joint back to him. “What changed your mind?”

Understanding what I was really asking, he went quiet and took another hit. “I was fucking bored and disappointed with my life—my career. When I heard Brooks was looking for someone with weapons and narcotics knowledge for an undercover assignment, I threw my hat in the ring, hoping a change of scenery would help fix what I was feeling. I think Brooks picked me because we knew each other from high school. He was the golden boy back then, always talking about saving the whales or some shit like that. It was a total surprise to learn he’d become a dick. I have a feeling the personality change had to do with his little brother being murdered while Brooks was away at college. It’s why he dropped out to become a cop.”

I kind of felt bad for Brooks.

“After I learned that my assignment was to infiltrate the Quinn mob in order to obtain evidence to bring your entire criminal empire down, I was actually excited by the idea of getting away with all the illegal shit I was about to do. Everything went according to plan. I got vetted, then interviewed by Louie, and assigned guard duty at the manor. Unfortunately, the thing about going undercover for long periods of time is that it gets harder not to form attachments. I tried really hard to keep everyone at arm's length, but Josh and Blake kept wanting to go out for beers after our shifts. They would share things about their families and their dreams. I’d find myselffeeling guilty because I was working to ruin everything for them.

“Then you showed up and you stared at me as if you could see past my lies. It made me nervous. I tried to scare you off by being a prick, but that seemed to have the opposite effect on you.” He smiled, remembering it.

“I told Brooks you promoted me to your personal security, hoping he’d pull me out because I assumed there was nothing to be gained from watching Stefan’s daughter. Brooks didn’t agree and practically drooled at my new opportunity. He wanted me to learn everything I could about you, and I mean really personal shit. Past relationships, who you’ve had sex with, your shoe size, the type of underwear you like to wear. It was creepy as fuck,” he said and handed over the joint.

I took a puff right away because he was right, it was creepy as fuck.

“I told him very little,” he assured, guilt showing in his eyes. “The more time I spent around you, getting to know you, the more I started ignoring his calls. Without me realizing it, everything quickly changed. You made me care. You became someone to me.”

“Well, let me be the first to welcome you to the dark side,” I said with a small smile.

He snorted. “Thanks.” I watched as his mood changed from light to somber in an instant. “Are you sure you’re ready for tomorrow? Because if you need more time—”

“It’s been three months.”

“Grief doesn’t have an expiration date,” he shot back. “You lost a baby and…themall within the same week. No one would blame you if you needed more time.”

Everyone was very careful not to mentionthemaround me. Dean, Asher, and Brenna had been there. They had witnessed the betrayal. And with the help of Finn and Vincent, they had helped me escape—escape Quinn Manor, Stefan,them. “I didn’t lose Jamie and Louie. They lost me.” Just talking about them filled my veins with fire.

“I know,” he said gently. “I’m just trying to say that we’re your friends—your family, and that we’re here for whatever you need.”

It took a moment, but I eventually nodded, and Dean left me alone. Mentioning Jamie and Louie had opened the door I’d tried very hard to keep locked up. Now that it was open, I couldn’t stop myself from looking inside.

Waking up in the hospital and finding out that I had survived, and that my Jellybean hadn’t…I loved her. I loved her so much and she had been taken from me.What was worse was that it had been my fault. It had been stupid and arrogant to goad Buck like I had.

Had I known…

Regret. It was a black mark on my heart that I’d carry for the rest of my life.

The days I'd spent in the hospital had been the hardest and longest days of my life because all I could do was lie there, drowning in pain. Stefan had insisted that I stay admitted for longer than medically necessary because he'd been worried that I’d kill myself the moment someone wasn’t looking. I’d considered it. The thought of escaping the pain had been tempting. But I didn’t deserve an escape. I deserved to suffer. So I had lain there in silence, barely acknowledging anyone, and felt it all.

The day I had been due to be discharged and return home, Jamie, Louie, and Stefan had sat around me talking. They hadn’t left my side and it had showed in their haggard appearances. Jamie and Louie had struggled every minute to stay strong, but their agony and worry had always been apparent. Stefan had fared better at holding it together. I didn’t know how. Maybe it was because he was the boss and he was used to it. Or maybe he'd felt he had no choice.

One of them had mentioned the Aryans and it had pulled me from the fog long enough to listen to what they’d been talking about.

“We can’t let this go,” Jamie had said, his hand squeezing mine.

“We won’t,” Stefan had assured. “But let’s not worry about that right now. Maura takes priority.”

“It’s a priority that she’s safe and she’s not safe here in New Haven,” Louie had said, his voice straining to stay calm. “Someone in the family is feeding the Aryans information. We all assumed it when her and Rourke were attacked the first time, but now it’s obvious. There’s no way that Aryan would have been able to get into her room without being seen on a single camera.”

“As much as I want to whisk her away to somewhere safe myself, she won’t want to be excluded. Not from this,” Stefan had told them.

Jamie had scoffed. “I don’t want her to have any part in this. She’s been through enough. This is something we need to take care of.”