Page 61 of Endure the Pain
“You’re worried about me,” he said. “If you really think that having Jameson’s baby would ruin what we have, you haven’t been paying attention.”
“I don’t want kids. I don’t want to condemn a baby to this life,” I said, anger seeping in.
“You’re not your father,” he argued.
I shook my head. “We’re still criminals. What if it wants to be a doctor or cop?”
Louie shrugged. “What if it wants to take after its mother? We don’t know what the future holds. Times are always changing. You’re an example of that. You’re a woman and the heir to this family’s empire. You’ve given all our traditions the middle finger, done things yourown way, and everyone at Stefan’s table respects you for it. So whatever this baby wants to be, you’re going to help make that happen and if anyone protests, do what you do best—scare the shit out of them.”
He was trying to make me laugh.
It didn’t work. “I don’t want kids.”
“Why?”
Rage burned inside me. I was tempted to lash out at him. I knew it showed on my face because I didn’t even try to hide it.
He stood his ground. “I deserve to know what I’m committing to.”
“You want kids,” I mumbled, sullenly. My anger was extinguished by a tight sensation in my chest. “You want kids and you're going to leave me because I don’t.”
“I didn’t say that. I’m not going to leave you,” he snarled. “But I could throttle you right now for trying to hide this from us. You took it upon yourself to decide what Jameson and I can and cannot handle. That’s not how this works. And yes, I might have wanted kids. I’ve never really thought about it, but don’t you think that’s a discussion we should have? All I was asking was that you explain why you are so against it—to fucking talk to me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, sounding tired. I rubbed my hands down my face exhaustedly. “Where is Jamie? He should be home by now.”
“You’re changing the subject.”
“I’m tired and don’t want to talk about the jellybean-looking alien growing inside me. Especially if I don’t even know if I’m going to keep it.”
“You’re considering it—keeping it?” he asked cautiously.
I didn’t want to get his hopes up by admitting that a small part of me was at odds about what to do. That I couldn’t get the jellybean’s stupid heartbeat out of my head. “I don’t know.”
He nodded, his shoulders sagging a little. “We got a lead on Gavin. Jameson is looking into it and probably won’t be back until really late.”
“What lead?” I asked, grabbing on to the much-needed distraction like a lifeline.
“Gavin was found in West Haven. His body washed up on Prospect Beach. I don’t know all the details. Jameson will fill you in on everything in the morning.”
Shit.
I sighed and met Louie’s blue eyes. “I’ll tell him tomorrow.”
He walked away, heading toward the bathroom. “I love you,” he said tightly over his shoulder.
“I love you, too,” I shot back in the same manner and flopped backward onto the bed.
CHAPTER 19
The next day I overslept and if anyone had a problem with it, they could kiss my ass. I had been up most of the night, mind racing and plagued with my certain predicament. I told Dean and Asher to fuck off repeatedly every time they tried to wake me. It was like hitting the snooze button on a very annoying alarm clock.
When I was able to drag myself out of bed, I had to run straight to the bathroom to throw up. Morning sickness was starting to be a pain in my ass. I was adding it to my list. I'd decided last night, while I'd tossed and turned, to create a pros and cons list to help me decide if I wanted to keep Jellybean. Was it the best way to handle a life altering decision?Hell, no.But I didn’t know what else to do. Before I'd gone to the doctor’s yesterday, I'd had my mind set that I didn’t want to be a mother. After the appointment, I wasn’t one hundred percent about anything anymore.
I told Dean and Asher to go home. I wanted to be alone. I thought it best to stay in my room for the day and talk to Jamie that night about everything. I still needed to find out what had happened to Gavin and maybe tell him that hehad knocked me up. I just hoped I'd have my mind made up as to what I was going to do when I did tell him.
Throughout the day, I kept sneaking peeks at Jellybean’s sonogram picture in my closet, where I had it and the positive pregnancy tests hidden. On my fifth trip to my closet, I broke down.
My list was overflowing with cons—legitimate ones and selfish ones. Such as, I'd never wanted to be a mother. I didn’t want to condemn a child to a life of crime. This was a dangerous life. I was gaining respect within the family—what if a baby set me back or ruined my momentum? What if I was a terrible mother? A baby was a huge responsibility. It would ruin my vagina, not to mention my body. Morning sickness. Morning sickness. Morning sickness. I wouldn’t be able to have sex whenever I wanted.