Page 112 of Endure the Pain

“I didn’t ask.”

“Right after you disappeared, we gave every hotel in the city your picture. Someone recognized you and they called me the day you shot up Hartford.”

“I only shot two people in Hartford,” I corrected.

“Regardless, cleaning up your carnage this past week has aged me.” He sighed and I could hear his exhaustion. “Decorating those Aryans with shamrocks has put a lot of eyes on us. It’s as if you wanted to get caught.”

“I wish I felt sorry.”But I don’t.My fingers clenched around the phone. “Why did you shut me out?”

“I never shut you out,” he said. “I…I didn’t want to make the same mistakes twice and lose you for another six years.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

He hesitated. Without being able to see him, I couldn’t tell if he was pondering his words or thinking up a way to evade answering altogether. “I banned others from coming to the house and canceled our weekly family meetings. For one, because I don’t know who to trust. And two, I didn’t want you to feel like you couldn’t grieve—that anyone was judging you for it. I purposely didn’t update you on business and the family because that was the last thing you needed to be dealing with.”

I rubbed a hand down the side of my face.We really need to work on our communication.I stared up at the night sky.The stars were so visible. The cabin was about a four-hour drive from New Haven, but I felt like I was a million miles away from home. “I don’t know what’s going to happen when this is all over and I have nothing left to focus on.”

“Come home and we’ll figure it out together,” he said.

CHAPTER 37

Three days passed without any luck in finding Buck and the remaining Aryans. It was really pissing Vincent off and he barely left his cave/bedroom. We had to practically drag him from it and his computers to eat.

My goons occupied a lot of their time continuing Brenna’seducationin self-defense and weaponry. Even Jamie and Louie got involved and showed her a few things.

I spent a lot of my time working on myself. The day after we'd killed Alex, I'd stayed in bed. The hollowness had lessened as each hour passed, my pain and rage returning. The day after that, I'd felt like I could take a deep breath. I was back to what I’d considered normal these past three months, but the weight of my grief wasn’t as crushing.

It was hard to be cooped up with Jamie and Louie around. So I went on a lot of walks to get some space. Dean and Asher alternated in following me. They at least gave me a wide berth when they did. This morning Jamie asked if he could join me on my walk as I was heading for the door. I was ready to say no. The kicked puppy look heheld made my teeth grind and I reluctantly said yes. The whole point of my walks was to get away and feel a tiny bit of peace. With Jamie walking with me, it was awkward and silent.

My walk was usually a mile and a half through woods toward the lake. I’d admire the view from the lake’s shore for a while. It was easy to just stare at vast beautiful blue water and the backdrop of mountains covered in lush green trees. We both made it to the lake, and he stood next to me, taking in the view.

“I hate that you’re standing next to me, yet feel so far away,” he blurted, breaking his silence. “I hate that every time you look at me, I see hurt in your eyes. I hate being the one who put it there.” The anguish woven into his words stabbed me in the heart. “Everything has fallen apart and I don’t know where to begin to fix things, but I can’t accept that this is the end for us.”

I folded my arms over my chest, hugging myself. “I want to tell you not to accept it, but even if we were to forgive each other, I doubt it would fix things. A huge part of who you loved died that day. I’m not the same person anymore. Maybe what’s best for you and Louie is to move on.”

“Isn’t that for us to decide?”

“I’m a shell of myself—”

“You feel that way right now,” he interrupted. Nicoli had said the same thing.

I shook my head. “Things won’t get better.”

“Yes, they will.”

I tore my eyes from the lake to look at him, finding that he was already staring at me. “I can’t have children.”

His brow furrowed and I could see the questions forming in his eyes.

“The doctor in the hospital told me that there was a chance that I might not be able to carry children. I had it verified last month. The scarring on my uterus is too extensive. If by some miracle an embryo were able to implant itself in a spot that’s not scarred, the likelihood of miscarriage is very high. I can’t give you or Louie children and I saw how happy you two were at the idea of becoming fathers.”

“There are other ways—”

“No!” I snapped. I didn’t want to humor the idea of other avenues. I wouldn’t survive it if something were to happen again. “It’s just me, Jamie. That’s it. If who you see in front of you is enough for you, then don’t give up on us. But if I’m not, let me go.”

I left him by the lake and began the walk back to the cabin.

After dinner, Brenna and I were relaxing on the couchwhen we heard Vincent yell, “Maura!” He came running down the hall into the living room. “We have a lead.” He beamed.