Page 25 of Endure the Pain

Stefan closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead.

I drew their attention by whimpering. “I’m burning up. I don’t like it. Is Jamie home? I need Jamie.” Because I was hot for other reasons too and my body’s needs were riding me hard. “Will someone please find my boyfriend?”

“Take her up to her room and don’t leave her alone. I’ll call Jameson,” Stefan said.

Louie did as Stefan asked and carried me all the way up to my room. He laid me on my bed gently. I immediately perched up on my elbows. I watched him as he ran his fingers through his blond hair. Our eyes locked and I found myself wanting to give in to the magnetic pull pulsating between us.

“We should get you in the shower. A cold one,” he said and started for the bathroom.

I had to give him props for his restraint. I wished I could say the same for myself. “Are you going to help me? It can be quite slippery in there.”

He stopped walking and turned back to me with a scowl. “I understand the coke has crossed the wires leading from your brain to your mouth, but you’re not making this fucking easy, Maura. Do you think I’m happy about wanting my best friend’s girl? Just being near you tempts me to betray him.” Frustrated, he raked his fingers through his hair again. “You said you hate yourself for wanting me, well, I hate you for making me want you.”

I sat up slowly, until I was sitting upright on the edge of the bed. My eyes dropped to the floor as his words sank into my heart like a knife. “Thank you for finally being honest with me.”

Louie went so quiet. “You did not just fucking play me?” he questioned angrily.

I didn’t respond. It was cowardly to let him think I’d used the game to get the truth from him, but it was better than the alternative. Him knowing the truth didn’t matter anyway. He hated me regardless of what I felt for him and I still loved Jamie. I couldn’t and wouldn’t leave him for Louie. So what was the point? Why did I pick at these feelings I had for him like a scab?

Louie took a step toward me at the same time my bedroom door burst open. Jamie walked in, heading straight for me. His eyes swept the room. Reading the tension between Louie and I, he stopped before he could reach me. “What’s going on?” His eyes, once again, bounced back and forth between Louie and I.

“Nothing.” I hated that I was lying to him again.

Jamie gave me a look that said he didn’t believe me. Louie chose that moment to try and storm out of the room, but Jamie stopped him by blocking his way. “Stop being a fucking coward,” Jamie said in a low voice. “You’re hurting her with this shit.”

My eyes dropped to the floor again. With the drugs still in my system, I wasn’t confident I could hide my shame or hurt.

“Maura?” Jamie said softly.

“I love you,” I blurted to Jamie before he could ask me what I knew was coming. “I love you so much it takes my breath away sometimes. The thought of losing you…I’d rather die.” A tear falling down my cheek was what made me realize my eyes were filled to the brim. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I whispered, and more tears fell.

Jamie knelt down in front of me and cupped my face. He tilted my head gently until my blurry eyes met his. “You have feelings for him.”

All the air in my lungs rushed out and panic set my heart into overdrive. My eyes shifted to look over his head at Louie. He stared back at me with a somber expression.

Jamie’s hold on me tightened a little. “Hey, take a deep breath. I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

He nodded. “I’m not blind, baby. I know things are tense between you two and I’ve seen how you look at each other. So whatever you have to say about Louie, I won’t get upset and it won’t make me stop loving you.”

More tears fell from my eyes. “I can’t and it’s not like it fucking matters anyway. He hates me.” My words wobbled. “I hate me.”

“Stop. Just be honest, Maura,” Jamie pleaded.

“I want to grow old with you,” I sniffled. “Me and you against the world. That’s how it’s supposed to be.” I took in a deep, shaky breath. “But I feel like something’s missing or like I know there could be more. I miss him. I miss the way he makes me laugh. I miss the comfort of him being there with us. We don’t feel complete without him. I don’t mean you’re inadequate, Jamie. He…he feels different. Not more or less. Just different. I’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense, but I don’t entirely understand it myself.”

Jamie released a breath. “Okay, let me ask you this…do you want to leave me for Louie?”

“No!” I said loudly. The one word was riddled with panic. I was fucking everything up. He was going to leave me because I had feelings for his best friend. I pulled Jamie’s hands from my face and stood from the bed with the intention of retreating to my bathroom.

I made it a step before Jamie’s hand clamped onto my wrist. “You don’t get to be a coward either.” Jamie turned to face his best friend. “Your turn, man.”

Louie glared at Jamie. “What do you want me to say? You know how I feel about her and she knows, too.”

“It doesn’t sound like you were clear enough because she thinks you hate her. Not that I blame her, because you’ve been avoiding her for over a month,” Jamie said harshly.

Louie ran his hands down his face. “I said I hated her for making me want her.”