Page 45 of Dark Souls

Pain Of The Past

W e sat on the rug in front of the fire, me cross-legged and facing him as he sat with his back against the sofa. Between us, photos of Hana, his weird, scorched stake and a much-needed bottle of vodka to help us both get through the horrific details he was about to divulge. Given his lack of humanity, I'm pretty sure it was mostly for me. I wasn’t sure why he had brought the stake out and it made me a little nervous.

He poured me a shot of vodka and then one for himself. “You look like you need this before we start.”

I had no idea what time it was because my phone was broken, but from the low-hanging sun shining through the windows and illuminating dust motes between us, I knew it was early. I don’t think I’d ever had a drink this early before, but I knew I was going to need it to get me through this. We clinked our glasses together and gulped down the bitter liquid. I hissed at the burn while Luka looked like he’d taken a shot of orange juice.

“I want to ask so much about you and Heathen, but I think I need background on the history first to understand your kind. So, can you start from the very beginning?” I licked my lips as I met his eyes. “I want to know it all. Don’t spare me any detail, no matter how horrific.” I reached for his hand, threading our fingers together. “It won’t change anything between us.”

His nostrils flared and he looked down at our fingers. He still didn’t believe it and for the first time, I suddenly felt afraid. Was I overly confident in my feelings for him? I thought him killing his mother and that he was a Demonski Upir were the things he feared me finding out about the most and the fact I was still here should have spoken volumes. But was there more?

“My grandfather was the original Demonski Upir. His name was Voldislav?. He was the product of a demon from the Underworld mating with a mortal vampire. Do you know the story of Katrina and the demon?”

I nodded, trying to let that mind-blowing fact sink in. It would be a long day if I gasped at every revelation so I tried to keep my shock at bay.

“The stories are pretty accurate. Voldislav? was savage. He could not control his bloodthirst for a long time. Being the first of our kind and with no one to show him how to live in a world he didn’t truly belong to. He didn’t understand his purpose. He followed his primal instincts alone. Which were to hunt, kill and to…”

“Breed?” I answered for him as he nodded.

“Demonski Upirs do not have seduction magic, but we can put our victims into a lustful daze, to drive their sensuality and make them want things from us. Especially humans. Voldislav? used that to impregnate many women. He most likely had hundreds of children over centuries of seducing humans. They gave birth to Demonski Upirs but their bloodlines were never as strong as Voldislav? because they were diluted with human genes. Often, they didn’t even come into their true demonic forms until they were teenagers. Which you can imagine must have been a terrifying realisation for both the mother and the child. Many went on to commit horrendous crimes driven by their demonic vampire instincts. Some were lucky enough to find soulmates, which seemed to calm them. I suppose they were able to teach them how to live in this world without judgment. How to fit in. Over centuries, human genes diluted the bloodline so much that many just became vampires with very few demonic abilities.”

“I am sensing a but here…”

“But… my bloodline is different. Voldislav? finally came across his soulmate in the form of a vampire woman named Olja in Serbia during the 15th century. He knew she was different because he didn’t just crave her body for breeding but he became obsessed with her soul. He wanted to own and cherish it and never live a day without her by his side. She accepted him and they went on to have ten children of their own. My father was their firstborn.”

My mouth fell open. “Quick question.” I raised my hand, which made him smile a little at the action. “I read in a book that your grandfather was born in 666 AD. If that’s correct, he must have been…” I quickly did the maths in my head. “…around 750 years old when he met Olja! How old do Demonksi Upirs live for?”

“The only one that has ever died naturally of old age is Voldislav?. He was 1230 years old. A few weeks later, my grandmother died too.”

He held my gaze as a deeper meaning passed between us. I lifted my fingers to my lips, making the connection. “Because she gave him her soul?”

“I believe so. My parents never told me that was why. I have wondered why for so long. But now, after finding you, I think I understand.”

“What?” I asked quietly, my heart racing.

“Heathen wants your soul. He won’t ever feel whole without it. Even without my connection to him, and although we are bonded in vampire form, I still crave more of you. There is a pull towards you that drives me insane. An aching in my chest that knows I don’t have you the way I truly desire. The way I am supposed to. And if my parents had told me what would happen to my soulmate when they gave me their soul, I would never have wanted to find you. I remember my father telling Zoran and me about the bond of soulmates when we were teenagers. He said it was the greatest blessing to own their souls but a curse to tie your fates. I never truly understood what that meant until I watched my mother slowly starve herself. I saw the pain she endured in her final days.”

A single tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away with the back of my sleeve as the memories of his mother resurfaced. “That is why you don’t want me to give my soul to Heathen?”

He sighed, pouring himself another shot and then me one. “Giving us your soul means many things, Ilaria.” He took his shot, but I wasn’t interested in mine. Not yet. “Firstly, you will rely solely on me for blood. Mine will be the only blood you will crave. The only blood you will stomach. Other people’s blood will make you sick. Even animal blood. I will become your only food source and your only lifeline. When I die, you won’t be able to survive.”

I blew out a breath and attempted to make light of the situation. “Good job you’ll live for over a thousand years, then.”

He fixed me with a no-nonsense stare. “I’m a Demonski Upir, Ilaria. It’s a miracle I am even still alive today. People will always fear me. I will always be hunted. And I will eventually be killed. I will not take you with me.”

“But surely that is my choice, not yours.”

“Ilaria, don’t be stupid. Giving me your soul is suicidal. I am not free. The Devil could kill me whenever he chooses. And even if I were free. I would always have a target on my back, which would mean so would you.”

“Luka.” I grabbed his face in my hands. “You will be free. Things will change. I believe that. Times are different now. My family is in power and things will be different for you.”

“I used to believe the world would change. It has only ever proved me wrong.”

“Then ask yourself this: why would I want to live a day in a world without you?” He stared into my eyes and I knew he could see how much I truly meant that. Now I’d found him, I couldn’t imagine living without him and Heathen. My life would be empty. I would be empty.

“Because you are young, Ilaria. You have a family that loves you. A whole life to live. I may not make it out of this alive but you can. And with The Devil having complete control over Heathen’s soul, I don’t know what that would mean for yours if you gave it to him. The Devil might then control you too. Who knows?”

I dropped my hands from his face, seeing my stubbornness reflected in his. This would only become an argument neither of us would win and there was so much more I needed to know. So, I took my shot instead.

“Shall I continue?” he asked and I nodded, inhaling deeply. “Because Olja was a vampire and Voldislav?’s soulmate, my family’s bloodline was stronger than the others. We had more of his gifts, more of his powers. My father, being the firstborn, also was the most powerful of his siblings, especially after he drank Voldislav? blood the day he died.”

“Your dad drank Voldislav?’s blood out of choice?” I couldn’t contain the gasp this time.

“Yes. It is the primal calling of the firstborn to maintain the strength of the original ancient demon bloodline. He gained more of Voldislav?’s powers after that. He became faster and stronger and gained the ability to take on others’ appearances and perform telekinesis. It literally would take an entire coven’s magic to take him down.

By the 18th century, my father had found my mother, his soulmate. She was a vampire. They soon had my older brother Zoran, their firstborn. Around this time, rumours started circulating about Demonski Upirs being the cause of human hysteria in the Middle Ages. By the time I was born in 1805, Demonski Upirs were being hunted throughout Europe by other supernaturals. Fear-mongering is a powerful thing. It wasn’t long before Demonski Upirs, especially the weaker ones with human genes, became an endangered species. And then they came for us. They’d had enough practice to find out how to kill our kind, had banded together enough slayers and they were powerful enough to take on Voldislav?’s ancient bloodline. Many of my father’s siblings and their families tried to fight but that only seemed to fuel the hysteria around us, seeing us as monsters that gained more and more supernaturals to join the cause to eradicate us. Soon it felt like the universe was against us and nowhere was safe. So we went into hiding. We separated into smaller groups, moved around constantly and never socialised with anyone outside the family.”

“That must have been really lonely.”

“It was all I was used to. By the time both Hana and I were born, it was all we knew. We hunted together at night, mainly cattle but sometimes we’d be lucky enough to find the odd stray human no one would miss. Our vampire side can function on blood alone but our demon side needs organs to survive and be at full capacity. Animal organs can suffice but they don’t give us the same nutritional strength that humans do.” His shoulders tensed as he quickly met my eye and then looked away. “It became harder and harder to survive. We couldn’t risk entering human villages often and sometimes, we even had to resort to hanging around cemeteries in the dead of the night.”

I tried to keep my face emotionless as he said the next sentence.

“We’d dig up fresh graves and eat the organs of the recently deceased. It would keep me and Hana from starvation as we grew up but it was never enough for my father or Zoran. They needed fresh organs. They had no choice but to kill. Once I reached full growth at eighteen, I had to join them and kill innocents too. My mother’s life depended on my father’s blood. He was the rock of our family. We all depended on him. When he was around, we never felt afraid. But he felt the burden of being a Demonski Upir more than any of us. I’d overhear him and my mother speaking late at night many times about how he blamed himself for giving us all this life.”

I reached for his hand and squeezed it.

“It’s not the life I want to give you, Ilaria.”

“It won’t be. It will be different,” I repeated, having enough hope for our future for the both of us and he clicked his neck to the side. He took another shot of vodka and rolled his broad shoulders before he continued with the next part. I could tell he was leading up to some dark memories.

“We moved around so much but we always tried to come back to our home country every few years. Serbia was where we were all happiest. I had just turned twenty when we came back for the last time. It was then that I met Belladonna.”

Just hearing her name from his lips sent unrelenting rage and hatred soaring through my veins. I had never hated anyone in my life more than I hated her and I’d never even met the woman, nor ever would. It was infuriating as much as it was consuming. I held up my hand to pause him as I poured myself another shot and downed it. He watched me carefully as I gestured for him to continue. I’d been dreading this part the most but I had to know.

“I’d taken Hana into the woods with me to hunt for grey wolves and deers. I’d just taken out a wolf when I realised Hana wasn’t where I left her. My frantic search through the forest ended when I spotted her wading through a small stream, giggling and kicking at the water with a young woman. For a moment, she looked so youthful and carefree, the way a little girl of eight should be. I didn’t have the heart to tell her to get out. The woman was pointing out all the different types of flowers on the riverbank and picked one, placing it behind Hana’s ear. She told her it matched the colour of Hana’s hair and now she was a beautiful woodland fairy. Except she spoke in English, so Hana didn’t understand. I could speak a little already from our stint hiding in England a few years prior. Whenever: Whenever we visited a new place, I enjoyed immersing myself in different languages. I seemed to have a talent for it. Because I told Hana what the woman said in Serbian, they both spun around and noticed me. I remember it being Belladonna’s eyes that captured me first. They were the darkest shade of brown but with an outer ring of blue, so strange and unique. She smiled at me politely until she saw the blood smothered across my cotton top. I quickly explained I’d been hunting deer and she relaxed. That was her first act of deceit. To pretend to be unsure of me. To pretend she didn’t know what I was the moment she saw the blood on my shirt. She suspected, at least. Of course, she was in Serbia for that very reason. To find my family.”

“She weakened your judgment of her by manipulating an innocent child into thinking she was a kind girl who loved flowers? God, I really despise this bitch. I might need to break something once you finish this part.”

Luka smiled a little but it never met his eyes. “It was my fault for not seeing it. For ignoring everything my parents had ever taught me. I stayed. I sat on the riverbank and talked to her. Because she couldn’t speak Serbian and Hana couldn’t understand English, I didn’t worry that Hana might out us or say something suspicious. She told me her name was Donna. She was a beautiful girl who seemed harmless. I didn’t think having a conversation with her in an isolated forest would be a big deal. I craved connection. The need to feel normal. To be seen and to speak to another human being that wasn’t a relation to me. That day at the river, it was the happiest I had seen Hana as she played in the stream and made flower crowns with her. It was the happiest I had felt, too. Donna was pretty, charming, sweet and brimming with life. I was a twenty-year-old who was having his first interaction with a beautiful girl and I was developing my first crush. I wondered if she was my soulmate. But Heathen didn’t think so. Although he was just as excited about the prospect of some female company at last.”

I poured another shot.

“She asked if she could see me again and meet by the river the next morning. She fed me a story that I was gullible enough to believe. Or maybe I just wanted to believe it too badly to look for the lies. She said she was born in England but was now living with her aunt in the local village. That she didn’t speak the language well and was lonely. I was the first person kind enough to take the time to talk with her. I didn’t even realise she was a witch, having never come across one before. She asked to meet by the river the next day as I walked her to the outskirts of the village, and I agreed. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was risky to start up something with her but I couldn’t stop. We started to meet nearly every day. I would tell my parents I was hunting in the nearby woods and I would sit with her on the bank and we’d just talk. The fourth day I met with her, she said she had a secret to tell me. Something that she feared I would judge her for and that I could never tell a soul. She told me she was a white witch who made simple potions from herbs and flowers, which was why she knew so many of the names of them. She’d been sent to live with her aunt because her parents feared for her safety in England after the witch hunts in the past. Apparently, they had barely made it out undetected themselves. I didn’t tell her who I was but it made me connect with her on a deeper level. I felt like we had something in common, both not truly accepted for who we were. She gained my trust that day by confiding in me. Of course, it was all lies. But I was in too deep to realise. Every time I was in her company, I felt lighter. Happier. Freer. It was an addictive feeling. And then one day by the river, after about a week of meeting in secret, she kissed me. And I believed it. I believed she wanted me. She had the gift of seduction and she was such a master in her craft that I hadn’t even noticed the subtle fog of lust that took hold every time I was in her company. I thought I was just a young man experiencing his first love. We continued to see each other for nearly a month, the relationship growing more… physical.”

I held up my hand. Took another shot. Exhaled and nodded.

“She told me she had fallen in love with me. That she wanted to be with me and marry me. Of course, I agreed to it all. I was young and na?ve. I thought I felt the same. Her magic had worn me down to where I no longer cared about finding my soulmate. I couldn’t see a future without her. Even Heathen was contemplating it. But none of it was real. It was all an illusion she had orchestrated to get close to me. To finally get me to reveal who I was.” He ran his hand through his hair as anguish flickered through his red eyes before they returned to anger. “Finally, I believed she would accept me like I’d accepted her. I thought she truly loved me and I could trust her with my life. First, I told her I was a vampire to see her reaction. She smiled. Seemed excited by the confession, which only gave me the confidence to tell her the whole truth the very next day. I shifted into Heathen and let him meet her. She didn’t run away screaming. She didn’t try to kill me or tell the whole village about me like my parents had always warned me would happen if I trusted an outsider. Instead, she kissed him. She made him believe she wanted him, too. That night, I decided I would tell my family about us. I planned to invite her to the cottage to meet my family so they could see that she could be trusted with our secret.”

My eyes watered as I tried to hold it together in front of him. Of course, he was talking about all of this without an ounce of emotion but I could still feel it. He buried the pain deep within himself. And it hurt me to know that he blamed everything on himself.

“My family were sitting at the dinner table, the five of us, when I told them. I’ll never forget their faces. Pure panic and disappointment. There were about four seconds of heavy silence after I told them she would be here soon to meet them and they could see for themselves that we were in love. My father asked the only question they needed to know. Was she my soulmate? As soon as I hesitated, chaos ensued. They wouldn’t listen. Immediately, my mother told Hana to go to her room and start packing up her things. Zoran grabbed me by the collar and slammed me against the wall, demanding to know why I was so stupid. My father tore him off me, only to yell at me himself. My mother started crying as she raced around the house, throwing possessions into a bag. I remember feeling so angry with them. I said I wouldn’t be leaving again. That I was staying behind to be with Donna. Zoran told me I’d be digging my own grave.

A second later, Hana screamed from her room. We all raced in to see her standing by her window, pointing down. I remember looking at the perimeter that circled our small cottage and shaking my head in confusion. We were encircled by a raging fire that was climbing taller than the roof. But the flames weren’t orange or red. They were black. Hellfire. Only powerful witches and warlocks could create hellfire with the blood of a sacrifice and onyx crystals thought to be blessed by Veles himself. Witches. The betrayal still hadn’t sunk in. It didn’t even enter my mind that Donna had done this. But she was the only one who knew where we lived. Because I had told her that day. My father swore and my mother grabbed Hana away from the window. I could hear my father shouting at Zoran but not really listening to what was being said. He grabbed me by the shirt and dragged me after him. I was frozen in a state of shock and denial. My father, forcing Hana into my arms, spun the world back into focus, and a tsunami of sensations hit me. Hana’s screaming was ringing in my ears as she buried her face in my neck. My mother was clinging to my father’s shirt, crying hysterically as he ran his hands over her hair, trying to soothe her with soft words. Zoran had shifted into his demon form and was breaking a window to let out the smoke that was blanketing the ceiling and creeping closer to us. I felt the heat of flames licking at my skin. The thatched roof was on fire. They were forcing us out. Or burning us alive.

My mother was screaming for my father not to stay and fight, her hands ripping his top as he pushed her towards the window. He told her, “Zoran and Luka will shift and fly you and Hana out the back while I distract them. There are too many of them to not notice us all try to leave at the same time. I’ll join you as soon as I can. I won’t take them all on, I promise. Just enough for you to get to safety.” I remember the fear in her eyes. Her telling him it was an entire coven. Maybe wolves and vampires, too. “Nearly a hundred, Maksim,” she kept saying, begging him.

Zoran told him he was staying. My brother was his father’s son and would never have let him fight alone. He told me I had to get Mama and Hana to safety. That it was the most important thing. Hana was too young and hadn’t come into her true powers yet and Mama was a vampire so couldn’t fly.

A loud noise ripped us apart as the roof fell through, separating my father and Zoran from me, Hana and my mama. My father ordered me to get them out. His authoritative tone, laced with so much fear for their lives, jolted me into action. I wrapped my arm around my mama’s waist and hauled both her and Hana out the window. The sight of the black fire was terrifying—a pulsating, chaotic wall of flames. I shifted into Heathen and launched myself skyward, only to be met by the unrelenting, scorching flames growing taller with each of my desperate attempts to pass. I tried so many times. And then four men walked through them. Figures that were magically protected just stepped right through the flames that would burn my family to ash. I shoved Mama and Hana behind an old, broken wagon in the garden and killed them quickly. I heard my brother’s roar from the front of the house just as I reached Mama and Hana again. It was a cry of agony. I felt so conflicted, wanting to help him but needing to get Hana and Mama to safety and keep my father’s word. My mother begged me to help them. That she would get Hana to safety herself but I saw two more figures step through the flames. They’d just keep coming for us. I ripped out their hearts before they’d finished their spell and the flames suddenly went out. I grabbed the girls and flew up into the air, staring down to see my brother on the floor, with a circle of witches around him, chanting as his body thrashed and bent unnaturally in all directions. My father was a short distance away, trying to both get to Zoran but also defend himself against around forty coven members. The magic that was pulsing from them was suffocating, causing visible ripples through the atmosphere as they chanted in unison. Everything happened so quickly after that. I was always planning on going back to help them but just as I’d reached a tree in the distance, my father fell to his knees in his demon form seeming to be paralysed by magic and a harrowing scream left my mama as a man stood behind him. With one precise strike, he cut his head off with that sword.”

Luka’s gaze raised above my head and I peered over my shoulder to see a huge silver sword with magical inscriptions engraved into the blade on display. A broken sob left my lips and I realised silent tears were streaming down my face as I turned back to Luka. He stared at me blankly.

“Alatar Knowlton hung it there as his trophy. Now I hang it there as mine.”

I wiped my eyes and inhaled a shaky breath. I saw Luka behead the coven leader with a sword in one of my dreams before he burned his body outside on a wooden stake like he had done to the rest of the coven after he’d tortured them. But I hadn’t even noticed it hanging there on the wall.

“And your brother?” I asked, even though I had already read the answer in that damned diary. Hellfire killed him.

“They bound him to the cottage by magic and watched him burn beneath the flames. I was halfway back to him when I could no longer see his body; the flames had consumed him and his screaming had stopped. I fell to my knees in the grass, tears streaming down my face, wanting to die too. They were dead because of me. It was the least I deserved. That’s when I saw her. Belladonna was hanging back, standing with another woman that I later knew to be her mother. She was watching my home and my brother burn with a wickedness in her eyes. Eyes that I thought I had once loved. I stood to my feet, ready to kill her with my bare hands and not caring if I died doing it as long as I took her with me. But then Hana screamed my name from the trees. It was a beg. A cry for me to come back to her and to protect her. I was all they had left. Belladonna turned at that moment and locked eyes with me across the field. And she fucking smiled. It took everything in me to not kill her but fly back to Hana and my mama, who had long stopped crying and was now just a hollow shell of the woman she once was.”

I stood up and started pacing the room, unable to sit still and listen anymore. Rue was reeling, wanting blood. My heart was breaking into so many shards for the man I loved, for the family that was torn apart and I was so fucking livid. So furious that I couldn’t contain it. I stormed from the room and heard Luka calling my name but I was possessed by the red mist of fury. I grabbed the portrait of Belladonna in the corridor and smashed the frame against the wall, against the floor, stepped on it, screamed at it at the top of my lungs. Then I did the same with the others, ripping all the portraits with my unsheathed nails, trashing the last images of who they were and what they represented. I could feel Luka’s eyes on me, watching from the shadows as I got lost in my rage, destroying everything within reach. When there was nothing left within my vicinity, I hunched over, grabbing my knees and panting out breaths.

The sound of Luka’s bare feet padded towards me, stepping over the shards of glass that littered the floor until they were in my eyeline. His huge hands grabbed my shoulders and pulled me upright. Then his arms wrapped around me and I closed my eyes, burying my face in his chest.

“Why is it that you are always the one comforting me?”

“Having no humanity has its advantages. Trust me, I wouldn’t have been able to relive any of that with it.”

I pulled away from his chest and stared up at his face, stroking my hand, which was covered in my blood, down his cheek. He pressed his face into my palm before turning and licking the blood off me. “Do you ever think you’ll turn it back on?”

He stilled, closing his eyes. “I don’t think I can. I’m sorry. I know that makes you sad.”

“It makes me angry. But not at you, Luka. You need to stop blaming yourself. Belladonna did this. The Knowltons did this. They were the ones that killed your family. Not you. Of course, I want you to turn your humanity back on so you can start to heal. So you can start to live the life you deserve and I can love all sides of you. But if you can’t. I don’t care. I fell in love with you like this and it’s enough for me. You and Heathen are enough for me.”

He started shaking his head. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards the library. “I feel more level-headed now. Let’s continue. There is so much more to cover and I have to go to dinner at the castle tonight but I don’t want to leave until I know everything.”

“I think we should stop. That was already a lot for you to process.” He argued, but I shook my head, sitting down again on the rug and taking another shot. “You are going to be wasted by the time you make it to dinner.”

“Ah well,” I shrugged, tugging him back down. “I’m fine. I apologise for my outburst. I feel calmer now. You may continue.”

His lips curved up into that sexy smirk and his eyes twinkled. “You are my favourite person.”

Those unexpected words knocked the air from my lungs. It wasn’t ‘I love you’ but it was his version. I leaned forward and kissed him deeply. Our tongues danced a slow waltz of everything we felt for each other but were unable to express in words. When I pulled back, he held my gaze and smiled sadly. “I’d do it for you. I’d turn my humanity back on if you asked me to.”

I traced his lips with my finger as I shook my head.

“No. It has to be for you. I’m sticking around, regardless.”