Page 220 of Dark Souls

“What you feel is enough, Luka. I know you think you aren’t giving enough of yourself to me, but you are wrong. You give me more than I ever expected you to under the circumstances. You have already opened up so much since I first met you at that lake. You may not have noticed it, but you have. You let me in and learned to trust me.”

I scratched the back of my head and then clicked my neck to the side. “I tried to push you away. To stop you from dragging yourself down into my darkness. So many times. Even at the end when I killed Ronnie. You wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

She scoffed. “But… you knew I wouldn’t.”

My lips tugged into a sideways smirk. “I knew you wouldn’t.”

She chewed at her bottom lip and looked away, deep in thought.

“What is it?”

“Do you want to turn your humanity back on?”

I ran my hand down my face. “The answer to that is complicated.” She waited patiently but kept her gaze on me. “Yes, because I want to be more of a real person for you. I want Hana to have her brother back. I want to sit in the sun and feel even a small taste of the happiness it should bring to me. But also, no. Because what if it doesn’t make me happy? What if turning it back on makes me miserable, depressed and so fucking dark that I can’t even feel the joy of you anymore? Because grief, pain, and guilt are things that really change a person, love. And I’ve had a lifetime of it. I don’t know who I’ll be.”

Ilaria nodded. I could feel her fighting her own emotions. Sad emotions. I stared at her face, hating that I caused them. That familiar anger roiled up inside me.

“Belladonna said something last night that I knew was bullshit, but it still hit a nerve.”

I inhaled deeply, grinding my jaw. “I shouldn’t have let you go alone. What did she say?”

“No, it was right that you weren’t there. It would have only made her worse and more psychotic if you had been. Her obsession with hurting you needs to be starved and the only way to do that is to cut off all contact with you.”

“What the fuck did she say, Ilaria?” I growled.

Sighing deeply, she lifted her head. “She said that even me giving you my soul wasn’t enough. That you will never turn your humanity back on because you will never feel safe.”

A cold, dead look cast over my eyes. I knew it because Ilaria immediately placed her hands on me to calm me somewhat. She was right to, because I was seconds away from zooming down into that cellar and killing the fucking bitch myself.

“Don’t worry, I cut out her tongue.”

That gave me pause. I turned to look at my mate, who gave me a small smile of malice.

“She can’t say shit now.”

“Good,” I huffed, still feeling pissed as hell, but at least knowing she couldn’t manipulate Ilaria with her poisonous words anymore was a slight consolation. “Love, don’t ever fucking doubt that giving us your soul wasn’t enough. You saved my fucking life by just being you. Turning my humanity on isn’t as black and white as it might seem. There’s a trigger, but I don’t know what it is.”

“Is it linked to your mum?” she asked softly. “Isn’t that the moment you turned it off? When you had to–”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Do you know who might help you find some answers? Only if you want to find them, of course.”

“Who?”

“My grandma, Alina.” I licked my lips and pulled out the key from my jeans pocket. The key she had given me to one of her meeting rooms. “The key is enchanted. All you have to do is rub it, and you’ll be transported to the room she’s saved for you. It’s a way for her clients to find solitude or help when they need it most without having to physically ask for it.”

I bobbed my head. “That’s pretty cool.”

Lifting my gaze to meet hers, I saw a flicker of my future in her eyes. But that future was tainted with a big fucking question mark. I knew what I wanted, but I wasn’t sure if I would ever get to a place where I could have it. But I had to try.

I leaned forwards and gave her a kiss on the lips. When I pulled back, I held the key up between us before I could change my mind and rubbed it between my fingers.

“No time like the present.”

“How are you doing, Luka?” Alina asked as she sat opposite me in a cream armchair.

I’d let myself into the ‘meeting room’ with the key and found myself alone in what was supposed to be an oasis of tranquillity but felt more like a form of hell. The walls were painted in earthy tones, complemented by the ridiculous amount of leafy plants hanging from crocheted pots to match the greenery of the forest outside the windows. A waterfall feature in the corner produced what I guessed was supposed to be a soothing sound. Plush armchairs draped with fleece blankets and oversized pillows were the room’s centrepieces, with a large oval sheepskin rug between them. The room smelt of lavender or some shit. I took one look around and was about to bolt, when the door clicked open and Alina appeared with a kind smile on her face.