Page 67 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

Marley

IT’D PROBABLY BE easier for me to focus on this assignment if I were at the library, but I’m waiting for Bria to get home from practice.

I rub my eyes, exhausted and beyond ready to be done with this. Leaning back in the chair, my gaze wandering to the stack of unopened letters I still have to read through. The first few days JJ was in rehab, I read through a chunk of them until I was crying so hard that I could barely breathe.

I started from the beginning, and quickly realized the letters started right after I left him in France, providing a roadmap to the answers to all the questions I hadn’t asked yet.

It details how he regretted not asking for my last name, but he didn’t want to pressure me by insisting on it, and why he came up to me in the first place.

It was easy to get sucked in, reading how he was worried about his brother, and the guilt he felt for not being home to help.

JJ wrote about the first time he met Asher and the way Asher made him feel less homesick by inviting him to his aunt and uncle’s house for dinner on Sunday nights, introducing him to Charlie.

I was crying by the third letter, but it was the one where JJ described finally telling Asher about me that caused me to melt like sugar in rain, and I’ve been limiting myself to one every night since, trying to make them last.

Each letter is a gift engrained with a piece of JJ’s soul.

The one I stopped on is sitting open, taunting me to read more, and I can’t resist.

My Marley,

Some days it feels like the only thing getting me through the day is writing these letters to you.

Things with Bailey are bad, and I don’t know how to make any of it better.

He answers the phone when I call, but he doesn’t say anything while I talk to him.

Sometimes it feels like that’s all I do.

I write to you without knowing where to send the letters, and I talk to my brother who might as well be a wall.

Mirabelle finally figured out her shit with Henry, but it hasn’t stopped Asher from hitting on her every time I have her on the line.

I’m not sure what to do with him, but he’s a good friend.

I think he’s finally understanding I mean it when I say I’m not interested in anyone if they’re not you.

Maybe that makes me crazy, but I’m still holding out to see what the next chapter in our story looks like.

Always yours,

JJ

I miss him so much it feels like losing a part of me, but I couldn’t be more proud of JJ, especially after seeing how well he’s doing. I fold up the letter, setting it on my nightstand because I know I’ll read it later tonight as well.

He’s working through the steps, coming to terms with everything, but a part of me is worried for when he leaves rehab. Rehab is a bubble where he doesn’t have any of the outside factors affecting his recovery, which is exactly what I think he needs to get his feet back under him.

It’s going to be fine, but I’m worried. That’s all.

My dad isn’t helping matters either. We got into an argument a few days before I was supposed to visit JJ, and I know he likes JJ, but he doesn’t want to see me hurting.

~

“Dad, I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not going to leave him,” I insist, hoping he can understand where I’m coming from. He’s lived through it enough times.

“You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Is one boy really worth it?”

I try not to let his words hurt me, but they do. JJ is worth it. “We don’t choose who we love. I love him, and I can’t imagine my life without JJ. I refuse to.”

I see Dad’s eyes soften through the screen of the video call because he does understand. Except, while I’m trying to listen to him, he isn’t listening to me.

“I want better than this for you, Marley. This hurt you’re feeling now will be tenfold when he relapses eventually. They all do. It’s why they’re called addicts.”

It’s like a pot calling kettle.

“But Mom—”

Dad doesn’t fall for it. “Your mom has had her struggles, and it’s hard, knowing every single day I could lose her to her addiction. That’s why I know this isn’t something I wish for you, even if you think you love him.”

“Even if I think I love him? I do love him, Dad. It’s never been a choice for me to make.

It’s something that just happened and I can’t explain it—just like you can’t explain your love for Mom.

You’re a hypocrite telling me to leave him when you’ve never left her.

If it’s such a terrible thing to go through, then why are you still with her?

” My voice cracks, and I inhale sharply trying to compose myself again.

I can deal with the fact I haven’t seen JJ in two and a half weeks.

I’m dealing with the fact that Bria’s shutting down and she needs me to be there.

I’m dealing with the fact my friend died.

What might send me over the brink is my dad not supporting my relationship.

“Because it’s a disease. One I would give all my money to if it meant curing it forever.

I love your mother more than anything in the entire world, but I’ve had to learn that this disease is a part of her.

I’ve tried to shelter you and your brother from the worst of it when she relapsed, but I couldn’t shelter you from all of it.

” He runs his hand over his jaw, shaking his head.

“I can’t protect you from this, and it scares the fucking shit out of me when I know this road leads to pain. ”

“But it can also lead to happiness. Anything important worth having takes work, and you’re the one who taught me love isn’t meant to be perfect,” I continue, trying to keep my tears at bay.

“JJ is the one thing I have chosen for myself. The one thing! I am fine with taking over the company, I’m fine with my major being chemistry, and I am fine with everything else that comes along with it.

But I am not fine with you asking me to leave him when he needs me most. I choose him.

He is the one thing, Dad. I will do anything you ask of me, just please let me have him,” I plead, wearing my heart on my sleeve for once in my life.

~

I blink quickly, tearing myself from the memory. My fingernails are chewed to stubs on the verge of bleeding. Thinking about our conversation stresses me out.

Dad didn’t press me any further on leaving JJ, but he also said nothing about how I feel about the company. So I’ve just kept my head down and tried to get through everything the best I can.

JJ’s supposed to be leaving rehab in a few days, and he’ll be moving in with Henry and Mirabelle.

I’ve been going over there a little bit to help them get settled, but I really admire the way they’ve dropped everything to be here for JJ.

Living with them will certainly be better than going back to the house he lived in with Trent, Luka, and Asher.

I hear the distant sounds of our front door opening and closing, telling me Bria’s back.

A lot of the time, we sit together in silence because I don’t know what to say.

What do you say to your best friend when your boyfriends were in a car accident together, except hers died while mine lived?

It’s better than being alone and miserable.

I know Bria has questions, but I can only hope I have the answers for her when she decides to ask them.

She’s in the kitchen mixing a protein drink with her back to me when I find her.

“Hey,” I say, taking a seat at one of the barstools. “How was practice?”

Her long, dark hair tied up in a ponytail swishes as she turns to look at me. “It was good,” she says, giving a little shrug with her shoulders. I wait for her to elaborate, but she doesn’t.

“I was thinking about hitting up the library later, and I didn’t know if you wanted to join? Might be good for us to get out of the house a bit,” I suggest, treading lightly.

“Maybe,” Bria says, pulling herself up on the counter to sit, and my gaze falls to her sweatshirt. It’s one of Asher’s, and I swallow the lump forming in my throat. “So JJ’s supposed to be back in a few days, right?” she asks, taking a sip of her drink.

“Yeah. I’ll go with Henry and Mira to get him Saturday morning.”

Her mouth flattens, and she looks away. “How’s he doing?”

“He’s focusing on his recovery, but he seems okay,” I say, and Bria nods.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me?” Bria finally asks.

She sniffles, turning back to me as she sets her drink down.

“It wouldn’t have changed the way I saw him.

I know I might not act like it all the time, but I love JJ too.

Not the same way you do, but I thought we were close enough that he would have known he could tell me? ”

I told Bria the truth when her head had cleared enough after the accident to ask where JJ and Asher had gone so abruptly.

I also told her JJ was going to rehab instead of the lie we fed everyone else about him going home for a few weeks to clear his head.

His professors were lenient with his assignments given the circumstances, and worked out some kind of deal with the university to where JJ would be able to continue his coursework while in rehab.

A lot of non-disclosure agreements were signed to try to keep his addiction under wraps, and so far it’s worked.

“It wasn’t my secret to share, any more than it was Asher’s, B. It doesn’t mean JJ didn’t trust you, but from what I’ve witnessed, I think he carries a lot of guilt and shame surrounding his addiction. He didn’t want anyone to know.”

Bria tucks her hands into the sleeves of the sweatshirt, her eyes shining.

“I just . . . I can’t help wondering if maybe things would have turned out differently if JJ had told me.

I know it’s beyond selfish to even think it, but I wonder if Asher might still be here?

” Bria quickly wipes at her cheeks, huffing.

“Sorry, I know it probably wouldn’t change anything still, but I don’t know. ”

“You could talk to JJ about it,” I suggest, not wanting to speak for him anymore than I already have.

“Do you think he’d be okay with that?” she asks, and I think he would for Bria.

“You won’t know until you try.”

Bria smiles back, hopping off the counter. “Thanks,” she says, and I nod, smiling back at her.

“Of course.”

She moves toward her door, before hovering. “Hey, Mar?”

“Yeah?”

“I know he needs you right now, and I do too, but make sure you’re still taking time for yourself. You can’t be everything for everyone, and I noticed you haven’t been writing or playing the last couple of weeks.”

I’m honestly a little surprised she’s noticed. If it weren’t for my guitar propped up in the corner of my room, I think I would have forgotten I haven’t touched it.

“I’ve just been busy.” It’s a weak attempt to defend myself, and while it might be true, it’s an excuse. I’m avoiding how I’m feeling about everything because putting it into a song makes it real. I’m not ready to deal with real yet.

“Okay,” she says, not pushing me before disappearing into her room. I suppose that’s my cue to go back to mine and finish my dreadful homework.

I settle down in my chair, taking a quick glance at my guitar before turning back toward my computer. Turning my brain off, I come up with the simplest idea I can for a company because it’s better not to let my mind wander about what might be.

Words fill the document and if I’m being honest, I don’t think I remember a single word I typed before turning it in. It’s mindless for me.

I rub my temples to get rid of the headache I can feel coming when my phone dings with a notification, and I’m more than a little confused to see a text with a link from my uncle.

Dean: In case you haven’t heard, you have choices.

What on earth is he talking about?

I click the link and it brings me to an article published ten minutes ago.

Billionaire mogul and CEO of Benson Pharmaceuticals, Hayes Benson, stepped down from his position in the company moments ago at a press conference.

It has long been rumored the daughter of Hayes and Sephine Benson was being groomed to take over the company much like Mr. Benson took over for his father, but in this shocking turn of events, the company has been left to the now former CFO, Maddox Benson.

Hayes Benson stated he will maintain a role in the company by staying on as a board member through this transition and remain a majority shareholder.

My jaw drops as tears fill my eyes. I don’t have to run the company. I can do what I want. I’ve never actually let myself consider what I really wanted to do with my life, because I thought it would be harder to take over if I had something to dream for, but now the possibilities are endless.

I don’t know how or why this happened, but it feels like the first breath of fresh air I’ve taken in weeks.

I have choices.