Page 48 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

JJ

MY EYES FLASH open as my shoulder is shaken, pulling me from sleep. “JJ, your phone,” Marley says, and the tightrope I’ve been teetering on to stay clean the past few weeks snaps, sending me headfirst into the chasm below. There’s only one person who would call me in the middle of the night.

I note the blocked caller ID on the screen as she hands it to me, answering it before it disappears. “Bailey?” I ask, while Marley flips her lamp on, casting the room in a soft glow.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Bailey says, followed by a quiet sigh. “I’m sorry for calling so late.”

“No,” I blurt out. “Don’t ever apologize for calling. I’m here anytime you need me.” Please don’t hang up, Bailey. Give me something— anything .

“Thanks for answering.”

“Always, B,” I say, the nickname rolling off my tongue, feeling tears prick my eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I . . . I’m okay.” His hesitation causes the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. Something isn’t right about this.

The sheets pull back as Marley moves, and I reach out to snag her wrist, stopping her. Don’t leave me alone , I beg silently, hoping she can read my mind. Marley nods, placing her other hand on top of mine in silent reassurance.

“Where are you? Is there anything I can send?” I ask, following the script we’ve crafted over the last nineteen months, praying this time something is different. I’m desperate for something to be different because I can’t keep doing this.

“JJ, you know I can’t tell you,” he says, nothing having changed from the last time I spoke to him.

“Please. Please just come back. Mira and I never told Mom and Dad what you did. No one has to know—”

“ Don’t . I can’t. There are people who need me, and I can’t leave them,” he says, and for the first time since he left, I feel an anger so hot, I can’t suppress the explosion.

“What about your family, Bailey? We all need you and you left us pretty fucking easily.”

“You don’t need me—none of you do. You’re dating a Benson, Mira’s engaged to Henry, and Hunter has Kaitlyn. You’re all fine without me, just like I knew you would be.”

A bitter laugh escapes me, and Marley’s hand squeezes mine.

Seeing the concern shining in her eyes is the only thing stopping me from asking him to tell me again how fine I am when all I think about is numbing everything with pills.

This isn’t how she should find out. “How can you even think that? None of us are fine, but I guess if it’s what you need to tell yourself to feel better about leaving, then fine . ”

“You don’t get it. I thought you of all people would.

You’re the best of us, JJ. You always have been.

” Bailey pauses, coughing and my heart stutters, realizing my mistake.

Fighting with him isn’t going to convince him to tell me where he is.

“When I call, you always offer money, food, clothes, and whatever else I could ever ask for. When you see people on the streets, living under overpasses and in camps, do you offer them the same? Or do you make sure the doors of your car are locked, and pretend they don’t exist by not even sparing them a second glance?

” Bailey’s voice wobbles as he utilizes his best weapon: his words.

“What makes me better than them? Because I come from a privileged family? I am not worth more than any of the other people out here. My life is not worth more than theirs.”

Despite the torrent of emotions wrecking me, I tuck away the first scrap of information he’s given me since the calls started.

He’s living on the streets. I feel like I’m going to be sick, but I need him to confirm it for me.

“So come back and do something about it. Use your privilege to help those who need help because living on the streets is not the answer.”

“Neither is coming back.”

“Bailey—”

“I have to go,” he says, and panic grips me as my chest tightens, making it difficult to breathe. Before I can say anything, the line clicks as Bailey hangs up.

No.

He didn’t say goodbye. Bailey always says goodbye and he’ll call soon. He didn’t this time.

I didn’t tell Bailey I love him. What if this time was the last time?

I try to inhale, but my lungs aren’t cooperating, refusing to take in the air I need to live. Hot tears blur my vision, and this has to be what dying feels like, and I can feel everything without the pills numbing me.

He’s living on the streets. How am I supposed to tell my parents their son would rather be homeless than come home?

I’m not sure what’s worse— knowing the clock is restarting and it’s a waiting game until he calls again, or not knowing if he’ll call again.

“JJ, you need to breathe,” Marley says, but I can barely hear her over the chaos in my head. Everything is spinning out of control, and I don’t know how to stop it. I hate no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to fix any of this or my family, so how can I hope to fix myself?

I can’t tell them this. I can’t tell them he’s on the streets. It will obliterate any piece of them still remaining.

“JJ,” Marley says more urgently this time.

I choke, trying to take a breath as my stomach rolls. There are people here who need me, and I can’t leave them. I need him. I need my brother to come back.

I can’t do this.

Run.

My hand presses against my chest, and I can’t breathe. I would have rather learned nothing at all than what I did this time. If I had just kept my shit together, and I didn’t push, maybe he would have said he’d come home.

I try to force air into my lungs, the pressure growing unbearable as black spots dance at the corners of my vision, and I’m vaguely aware of hands brushing my cheeks.

“ JJ, baby , snap out of it,” Marley says, and the death blow comes when I see her beautiful eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Her thumb swipes under my eyes again, cupping my face, and I can’t do this to her.

Marley deserves to be with someone who isn’t barely holding on to their sobriety. She deserves to have someone who thinks about her more than they think about numbing the pain with pills. She deserves better than me.

When she finds out what I’ve become, it’s going to destroy her. The last thing I have ever wanted to do was hurt anyone. I need to be okay, and right now, I don’t know any other way, even if it destroys me in the process.

I pull away from her completely, stumbling off the bed to reach for my duffle bag in the corner.

I drop to my knees, digging for the pocket inside the bag.

My fingers close around the pill hidden, and I hate myself for it, but I hate causing Marley pain more.

I found this one in my travel bag a few days after Asher went through my whole room with me, watching as I flushed all of the pills.

I told myself I wasn’t going to take it, but I think I’ve already proven I lie to myself as much as I lie to everyone else.

I force it down before I can talk myself out of it, my whole body shaking as I grab socks and shoes while the best thing to ever happen to me kneels next to me, trying to push my hands away to stop me.

“You can’t go anywhere right now. You can’t even breathe. Baby, please look at me,” Marley begs, but I know how to make it stop. I know how to make all of it stop by running until I don’t feel like this anymore, because I won’t feel anything at all.

“I need to run.” I choke on the words, and she shakes her head.

“You need to stay here. It’s three in the morning. You can’t leave,” she insists, and I close my eyes as my stomach twists.

“Please, just let me go,” I whisper, my voice cracking, and then there’s a knock on her door.

“Are you guys okay in there?” Bria asks, and Marley doesn’t look away from me.

You’re the best of us feels like a sick joke because I’m not. I struggle to breathe, desperate to escape the feeling of my world crumbling underneath me. “Bria goes with you, and you promise to come back,” she says, and I nod, crawling out of my skin to not feel anything.

“Hello?” Bria calls again.

“Promise,” I say, inhaling a gulp of oxygen that feels more like shattered glass, and Marley pushes away my hands again, but this time to tie my shoes for me.

It’s reckless for her to love me because the only way I see this ending is with our hearts broken in a way we won’t ever recover from.

Bria’s standing on the other side of the door, her eyes widening as I resist the urge to claw at my chest while Marley asks her to go with me.

Marley’s arms are crossed over her chest as she watches us leave, and I know she’s upset with me. I don’t blame her for it either.

I should stay here and explain exactly how not okay I am.

Instead, I walk out the door, listening to the soft padding of Bria’s footsteps as she runs behind me until I can’t feel anything at all.

~

I overdid it. Surprise, surprise. I ran for so long last night even Bria was struggling to keep up, but I forgot how incredible it was to feel nothing at all. The only reason I stopped when I did, is because I thought my lungs were going to give out, only that time for the right reason.

The pills did exactly what I wanted them to. They numbed everything, including the pain in my knee that was crystal clear this morning when I woke up from the brief sleep I got.

I couldn’t face Marley and Bria this morning, not after the way I fell apart last night, so I left before everyone else was awake.

If I weren’t focusing so damn hard on trying not to give away how much pain I’m in— physically and mentally —I’d probably care more about how the only thing Asher’s said to me since I arrived for weights was, “Not here.” Bria probably called him and I’m sure he connected the dots. He has every right to be upset with me.

I underestimated how much taking one pill would make me crave another, so despite my brain screaming for another, I’m not giving in. I don’t want to take another, even if it means having to feel everything.