Page 66 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

JJ

I’VE BEEN DRAGGING my feet on the walk back to the rental Marley’s staying in. I could have driven, but it would’ve meant saying goodbye to her faster, and I want every second to last.

We’ve talked about anything and everything, and each little detail I’ve uncovered about her has been permanently etched into my mind.

I’m desperate for more. I want more time with her, but we agreed first names only.

Marley had plenty of opportunities to ask my name throughout the day, even after I point blank told her I would give her my last name if she asked, but she hasn’t.

I’m trying to respect that, because even if it was only a day, it’s a day I’ll never forget.

Thankfully, Marley doesn’t seem to be in a rush either.

Our pinkies are intertwined, and Marley is swinging them together between us.

“If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?” I open my mouth to respond, but Marley turns her head up to look at me, a goofy smile illuminated by the light of the full moon.

“Serious answers only,” she teases, and I laugh.

Little does she know how serious I’ve been in every answer I’ve given her today.

Football is the obvious answer, but if I could be anything in the world, it’s not what I would ask for. “I’d want to be happy.”

“Why happy?” she asks, and I must be imagining it, but I swear we slow our pace even further.

“I think a lot of people go through the motions in life, but I don’t want to simply exist. I want to enjoy my life and truly live, and I know that’s probably naive of me to say, but I don’t want to take a single day for granted.” What I don’t say is, I think I could be happy with you.

I spin Marley, careful to not let her trip in the process while she laughs with delight. She turns into me, resting her hands on my chest as her cerulean orbs peer up at me through dark lashes.”What about you?” I ask, brushing her hair out of her face.

“What about me?” Marley asks, squinting as if she’s confused what I’m asking.

“If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?”

She shakes her head, pulling away, and I don’t like how sad she looks now. “If only you knew how funny it is to ask me that when my entire life has been planned out for me.”

“Try me.”

“JJ.” She sighs, kicking a loose pebble across the path.

“Fine, if I could do anything I wanted, I’d want to be a music therapist, but it’s virtually impossible because I can’t play the guitar or sing in front of anyone.

How can you be a music therapist if you can’t play in front of others? ” Marley asks, and I shrug.

“I’m not sure, but if you ever need someone to listen to you practice, I’m your guy.”

“Thanks,” she says, a small smile forming. It takes effort for mine to stay in place when I see the house she’s staying at up ahead. She follows my gaze, and her shoulders seem to sink. “I had the best day with you,” Marley whispers.

“It doesn’t have to be over,” I say, and I can’t think of any other way to describe how gutting it feels to not know if I’ll see her again.

“Doesn’t it? I have to leave tomorrow,” she says, tears forming in her eyes, and I hate this sight more than anything.

“Sweetheart,” I whisper, cupping her face in my hands as she pulls her bottom lip into her mouth.

“I’m fine,” she says a moment later, sniffling.

“I’m not,” I admit, brushing away a tear. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this much for someone I didn’t know when I woke up this morning, but now I can’t imagine not knowing her.

“Really?”

I crack what feels like a broken smile while more tears roll down her cheeks. “Really. You’re breaking my heart, Just Marley,” I tease as if the joke is enough to mask the actual splintering of my heart. “I know it’s insane, but I think I love you.”

Her head tips back and a laugh sounds from her lips. I’m really not sure if this is a good thing or not, but it feels like a normal response to telling someone you love them after fourteen hours. “I guess that makes me certifiably insane then, because I think I love you too, Just JJ.”

I lean down and kiss Marley, willing it to be enough to stop time, even if I know it’s not.

Her sweet mouth moves against mine, taking everything I’m giving her while she clutches my arm, keeping me in place. I can taste the salt of her tears before I pull away, resting my forehead against hers.

“I have to believe if two people can fall in love so fast, there’s a reason for it. This isn’t the end of our story, Marley. I’m not sure when or how, but I think there are some people just meant to be together.”

“And you think those people are us?” Marley asks, grazing her fingertips over my jaw.

“I want to live my life with you, being as happy as I can be holding up signs with your name on them to be your biggest cheerleader while you play the guitar for other people.”

A soft sigh escapes her. “You’re not making it any easier I have to walk away,” she says, and I steal another kiss from her.

“I don’t want you to forget me after tonight,” I admit, pressing my lips once more to the corner of hers.

I pull back, committing everything about her to memory.

“As if I could ever forget you,” she says, giving me one more heart stopping smile. “I look forward to seeing how our story ends.”

~

I’m doing my best to live, taking Asher’s last words to heart.

Rehab has forced me to deal with a lot of my suppressed feelings, and it feels like all I do is go to therapy. There’s group therapy and one-on-one therapy, and I’ve talked about my feelings so much that I think my feelings have feelings.

My therapist here has been a big help, encouraging me to deal with Asher’s death and Bailey’s goodbye, in addition to why I became addicted to pills in the first place.

Despite everything, I feel more like my old self than I have in a long time.

My leg is bouncing anxiously as I wait for Marley to get here.

We’re allowed visitors every Sunday and this will be my first time seeing her since I came here.

My parents came the first week, the second week it was Mirabelle and Henry to give an update on the townhome they’re renting this spring, and this week it’s Marley’s turn.

I’ve kept in touch with her mom a lot after she found my letters for Marley and made sure they got to her. She told me to call her anytime for anything before I checked in here, and I have no idea how many times I’ve called, but I know talking to her helps.

I wish I had real flowers to give Marley, but I’ve spent the last two weeks learning how to make paper flowers in one of the art therapy classes they have here, and I’m excited to give her the bouquet I’ve made.

Hopefully, she doesn’t think they’re stupid. I just want to show Marley she still means everything to me, and I’m still me despite everything.

And then finally, I see her. I stand up, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants as Marley beams at me, picking up her pace to throw herself into my chest, her arms and legs winding around me as I react to catch her.

“I’ve missed you,” I say, breathing in the comforting and familiar smell of her shampoo while she buries her face in my neck.

“Not as much as I’ve missed you,” Marley mumbles, showing no sign of her grip loosening.

“Did you become a koala since the last time I saw you?” I tease, dragging my fingers through the ends of her hair.

“Yep,” she says, pressing her lips to my neck before pulling back to smile at me, finally letting me look at her face. I adjust my grip under the back of her thighs to make sure I’ve got her.

“Hi, beautiful,” I say, looking directly into her cerulean eyes. I could stare into them forever.

They twinkle as she smiles before teasing me. “Wow, you’re calling me something other than sweetheart?”

“Don’t get used to it, I just couldn’t think of anything other than how beautiful you are.” I press a short kiss to her sweet lips before Marley unravels herself from me.

“Smooth.”

There’s a flash of gold around her neck, and I’m glad she’s still wearing the necklace I gave her.

It’s so good to be near her. I thread my fingers between Marley’s, bringing her hand up to my mouth to kiss it.

“Not as smooth as spending two weeks making you flowers because it’s the only way to give any to you.

I’m sorry they’re not real, but I promise there will be plenty in the future,” I say, twisting to reach behind me where the paper flower bouquet awaits.

Marley gasps as she gently takes it from me, looking at the flowers in awe as she sits down. “JJ, these are beautiful,” she says, turning the bouquet to examine them all. “I can’t believe you made these.”

“I’ve had a lot of free time, so I figured I should do something with my hands.”

“I love you,” she says, her smile warming my heart. “How have you been doing?”

“I don’t always feel like I’m doing great, but I’m clean and that’s what matters.

” It’s only then I realize I’m honest about how I’m feeling.

Maybe this whole therapy thing actually is working.

Before, I never would have said anything about how I was really feeling.

Yet, I don’t want to make her worry either.

But when I peek at her face to see what kind of reaction she’s having to my honesty, Marley’s nodding, appearing to agree as if she can understand where I’m coming from.

“Keep taking it one day at a time,” she says, and a terrible part of me is glad for a moment her mom is an addict too, so Marley already understands how all this works.

It’s not something I should be glad about.

“How have you been doing?” I ask, flipping her own question back at her.

I don’t want to talk about myself anymore.

I feel like I do it enough. Marley’s been going through a lot too, and I hate not being there for her the way I want to be.

I have to take care of myself before I can take care of others, though.

“I’m doing good. It’s weird not having you there, but things are getting better,” Mar says, trying to smile, but this one is different. This one is forced.

I stand up, pulling her with me to walk to the open outdoor area we have.

The air inside can feel suffocating, and I’d rather be outside despite the chill in the air from it being late January.

I don’t say anything until we’re out there, and I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier.

“You know you can tell me how you’re actually doing.

I can handle it,” I say, rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb.

I probably won’t let go of her the entire time she’s here, if I’m being honest.

Marley takes a moment to respond, and I can practically see the gears turning in her brain.

“It’s not going to help when you can’t do anything to fix it, especially when I know it’s what you’ll want to do.

I want you to focus on your recovery. I want you to get better for yourself and selfishly for me too. I’ve got everything handled.”

I can understand where she’s coming from. I really can because she’s right—I do want to help even though I’m here. I can focus on my recovery and fix things. I can do both.

“Is it Bria?” Her name falls out of my mouth and detonates like a nuclear bomb. I already know it has to do with her. She didn’t seem like she was doing well before I came here, and I’m worried about her. If the roles were reversed, Asher would do everything in his power to help Marley.

“JJ,” Marley chides and I huff in annoyance.

“Marley, I’m fine. I want you to tell me.”

She stops in her tracks, stopping me with her.

“JJ, it’s not Bria, or involving anything you need to worry about.

I’ve got it covered. It’s just going to take time.

” My girlfriend stands tall, and I can tell from her body language she’s preparing for me to argue with her.

I take a second to hear what she’s saying, opening my mouth to agree with her when she continues before I can.

“You’re doing better, but you’re not fine.

The only thing you need to focus on while you’re here is getting better and working through everything.

I cannot watch you pile more weight onto your shoulders, so please, if you love me as much as you say you do, don’t push me on this. I’m doing everything I can.”

Marley’s bottom lip quivers and I step closer to her, kissing her briefly. “I was going to agree with you and drop it before, but now all I want to do is tell you I don’t love you as much as I say I do.”

My words process in her head as she tries to step back, but I’ve looped my arm around her lower back, pulling her closer. “ What ?” she asks, bewilderment written across her face.

“I love you more than I say I do. There aren’t enough words in any language we know to convey how much you mean to me.

Ti amo con tutto il mio cuore,” 29 I say in Italian before continuing in French, “J’apprendrais cent nouvelles langues pour te dire que je t’aime si cela signifie que tu me croirais. ” 30

“Jonathan Jacob Walker, that was mean,” she says, poking my chest with her finger.

“It’s the truth. I love you more than words.”

Marley purses her lips. “You’re lucky I love you.”

“I am,” I say, kissing her again for anyone to see and I quite frankly don’t give a shit. Despite everything, Marley is still standing in front of me. I don’t know how and I’m not going to question it, but I am so grateful the girl I kissed under the stars came back to me.

I don’t know where I would be without her.