Page 20 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

I’m all over the place. I’m trying to get Marley to give me a chance, not scare her off by being a creep.

“I’m sorry. I said I wasn’t going to push you until you were ready to see me, and here I am, fucking that up too,” I say, taking a step back to put space between us.

“I just . . . I needed to see you, and now that I have, I’m gonna go.

I’m sorry for showing up like this. It was selfish. ”

“Wait, is everything okay?” Marley asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

It’d be so easy to tell her the same lie I feed everyone else, but I don’t want to lie to Marley.

Lies are what got me in this goddamn mess in the first place.

“No, it’s not,” I admit. “I like your hair. You look beautiful,” I whisper, offering the faintest of smiles. It’s all I can muster right now.

I turn to go back the way I came when her arms snake around my waist, holding me in place as her body is pressed against my back. It takes a couple seconds for my brain to make the connection Marley’s hugging me.

“You don’t have to go,” Marley says.

My willpower is weakening. I should leave. I got what I came for by seeing her for the first time in weeks, and it’s enough. Having her touch me and say I don’t have to leave is more than I deserve right now. She deserves better than me when I couldn’t tell her the truth from the start.

Marley deserves someone who can give her the world instead of feeling crushed underneath the weight of it.

I wish I didn’t feel anything at all right now, and I know exactly how awful that is.

“I should.” Fuck, it’s better for both of us if I leave.

Her arms tighten around me. “Please, stay.”

And with two words, my willpower crumbles entirely.

“Okay,” I agree. Marley unravels herself, grabbing my hand to pull me along with her into the apartment. I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart.

Marley mutes the television playing a sitcom in the background, taking a seat on one end of the couch as I stand awkwardly, aware of the layer of sweat on my skin. Her couch is really nice, and the last thing I want to do is leave a stain.

“You can sit down, JJ,” she says, the corners of her mouth pulling upward. “The couch doesn’t bite.”

“I know,” I say, relaxing a little. “I’m sweaty and gross, and I don’t want to ruin your things.”

Marley tilts her head, her gaze working its way down my body, before trailing up again.

“I don’t care, but I can tell you do,” she says, standing up, only to take a seat on the ground a moment later.

“Please sit down, it’s making me anxious because I’m worried you might only be a figment of my imagination and disappear. ”

I slowly lower myself to the floor, wincing as my knees crack at the movement.

“Thank you,” I say, trying not to grimace as I stretch my leg out.

It was a mistake not to take another one before running.

“No Bria?” I ask, looking around the apartment to see if she’s lurking behind a doorway to scare the daylights out of me.

“She’s at the library, but you don’t have anything to worry about. She likes you,” Marley says, reaching up to play with her shorter strands.

“Don’t tell Asher,” I joke, feeling a faint smile tug at my mouth. “I really do like your hair.”

I’m rewarded with her stunning smile, and Marley twists the strands between her fingers. “I needed a change,” she says, and I nod, understanding where she’s coming from.

“It looks good,” I repeat, hating how thick the tension between us is. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t think she does either.

She crosses her legs before uncrossing them. If I didn’t think my body would protest, I’d probably be crawling out of my skin, but I’m too damn tired. “Whatever happened . . . I’m sure it can’t be as bad as you think it is. I don’t want to push, but I’m worried, JJ.”

I love her optimism, and I wish more than anything Marley were right. My mouth feels dry as I swallow the lump forming in my throat, and I focus on the blue hue in Marley’s irises. “My brother called.”

“The one who . . .” Marley trails off, her eyes widening when I wince.

“Yeah. Bailey,” I say, feeling dizzy. I scratch the back of my neck, looking anywhere but at Marley. It’s a struggle because the only thing I want to do is look at her, but do I deserve to feel better?

“Is he okay?”

Despite how hard I’m trying not to feel anything, tears well up in my eyes as I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth to keep them at bay.

“He said he was, but I don’t think he is,” I say after a moment.

“B still won’t tell me where he is, but he did say we should stop looking because he doesn’t want to be found. ”

I don’t get it. Mirabelle and I have been over it a thousand times, and it still doesn’t make sense.

“Did you tell your parents?” Marley asks, and I purse my lips, shaking my head.

“I . . . I think it would only hurt them more if they knew I thought he wasn’t okay, so I lied, and I told them Bailey’s safe.

” I resist the urge to claw at my chest, the visceral pain of knowing what my parents’ hearts sound like when they break again is almost too much for me.

I hate it more than anything. It’s suffocating me, the sound wrapping itself around my neck like a noose to hang me for my failings.

Marley startles me, resting her hand on top of mine, squeezing reassuringly. “In this kind of situation . . . that knowledge can be invaluable, JJ.”

“I don’t know if it is. My parents are some of the strongest people I know, and they’ve been crippled by Bailey’s choice to run away.

I’m afraid I’m only giving them a false hope to cling to by hiding the worst from them, because I’m starting to think he might never come home.

” I haven’t even admitted this to myself, afraid of even thinking it into existence, but I guess this is another piece of my soul that belongs to Marley.

Her entire face softens, as does her kind voice. “Hey, don’t go there. You don’t know what will happen. Bailey could come back in a couple of weeks for all we know.”

“It’s been nearly two years. If Bailey were planning on coming home, I think he would have by now.

” My breathing hitches, and I clench my fists as they shake from all the awful thoughts beginning to swirl in my head, but the ugliest one of all is trying to imagine what my future looks like if Bailey doesn’t return.

“What if he doesn’t come back?” I ask, my voice cracking as my tears spill down my cheeks, blurring my vision.

What happens then? I can’t keep counting the days between signs of life, slowly dying under the pressure. I can’t keep hearing the disappointment in my parents’ voices when I call them without an update, and the grief when I have one. I can’t do this forever.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

How long until I run out of restarts?

Hands touch the sides of my face, tilting my head up as I inhale raggedly, trying to catch my breath as I bite down hard on my lip to keep it from trembling.

“JJ, hey, I need you to look at me,” Marley says, and I’m paralyzed.

“Fuck it,” she mumbles under her breath, and then she’s straddling my waist. “Look at me,” she instructs firmly, and for her, I try.

“Marley, I can’t. I just can’t . . .” I trail off, full sobs breaking free as I lose control of the torrent of emotions inside me.

She wraps her arms around me, holding me tightly as I rest my head in the crook of her neck, crumbling.

As if Marley can understand how badly I need this, she doesn’t let go, running her hand up and down my back.

“I’ve got you,” Marley whispers.