Page 56 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

JJ

“HAVE YOU CHANGED your mind about telling me what happened with your knee?” Mirabelle asks, plopping down on the couch next to me, having no idea she’s only twisting the knife I plunged into my own chest. I thought after everything was fine at the games the last two days, she’d drop this, but I guess not.

“Don’t you have your own house now?” I ask, getting up because I don’t want to talk about this right now. I want her to drop it, but she’s like a bloodhound once catching a scent.

“Sorry for giving a shit about you. I wonder what Mom and Dad would think if they knew there was more to it than you’ve said,” she mumbles under her breath.

“There isn’t. Let it go,” I say through gritted teeth. Why does she have to push? I stand up, fully intending to walk away before we can get into another argument.

Marley left earlier this morning to fly to New York for an investment meeting at their company’s headquarters after asking me a thousand times if I was okay with her going, but I can handle the last thirty-six hours with my family.

I think she was also stalling when it came to packing, but I didn’t want her to go either.

She must have given Asher a heads up because he texted a little after Marley left to let me know he was there to talk if I needed him.

“Too damn bad. You’ve been acting differently for months. What the hell is going on with you?” she asks, pulling on my shoulder to get me to turn.

“ Nothing .”

“Nothing, right .” Mirabelle scoffs, shaking her head at me. “Or you can stop lying and tell me what’s happening. I get you don’t want Mom and Dad to worry about you, but maybe they should. We don’t need another Baile—”

And then I explode, Bailey being thrown at me after the hell I’ve put myself through takes it a step too far.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.

Just because you’re older doesn’t mean you know everything, Mira.

I don’t have to tell you every single part of my life, but it doesn’t make me Bailey.

I’m fucking fine ,” I snap at her, immediately regretting it when Mira takes a step back from me.

“You’re very clearly not because the JJ I know would never speak to me the way you just did,” she says, her voice trembling.

Hunter appears at the bottom of the stairs, and I feel sick. “What’s going on? I can hear you from all the way upstairs.”

Mirabelle looks at me like I’m the one supposed to respond here. Her face falls when she realizes I’m not going to say anything. “JJ was just reminding me I have my own house. See you later, Hunter.”

Hunter pushes his glasses further up on his nose, staring at me in disbelief as Mirabelle walks by him. She ignores whatever he whispers to her before shaking his head at me, saying nothing else until the front door slams. “You’re lucky Mom and Dad aren’t here because they’d be so disappointed.”

“Hunter, I’m trying to protect her!”

His whole face changes, and I drag a hand through my hair, wishing Mirabelle had never made the trip to California. If she hadn’t been there while I was struggling to figure out my next step, I would have been more careful with what I said.

“What do you mean you’re protecting her?”

This is such a mess. “Do guys say shit about Mira to you?” I ask, and his jaw tightens telling me everything I need to know. Out of everyone, Hunt would be the one to understand.

“I mean, sometimes,” he admits, shrugging. “I try not to let it get to me, but what does this have to do with what’s going on between you guys right now?”

I swallow the lump in my throat threatening to choke me.

“The game I hurt my knee, the linebacker who hit me was trying to get in my head, and I didn’t give him a reaction until he started chirping about those fucking leaked pictures and how he’d like to pass Mirabelle around their locker room since she likes being on display.

I shoved him after calling him on his bullshit, and on the next play, he took me out. It wasn’t an accident.”

“JJ, what the fuck? Why didn’t you say anything?” he asks, moving closer, and I hate the look of pity in his expression.

A short laugh falls from my mouth because it should be obvious. I haven’t said much of anything about the shit that matters because I don’t want them to worry. It honestly makes me wonder what Hunter’s kept to himself too, because I can’t be the only one with secrets.

“What was I supposed to say? Mom and Dad were worried enough about the injury without me ripping the scab open by making Mirabelle feel like shit again for something out of her control. I didn’t have to react. I could have let it go, but because I didn’t, I’ll never be the same.”

In more ways than anyone could know, that moment changed my life forever.

If I hadn’t reacted, maybe he wouldn’t have hit me as hard, and I would have been able to get up.

I wouldn’t have needed the surgery, and I wouldn’t have been in a vulnerable position to get hooked on pills.

I would be JJ Walker, rising football star, instead of JJ Walker, drug addict.

“Dude . . .” Hunter trails off, surprising me by pulling me into a rare hug. He’s not a fan of physical touch unless it’s on his terms. “I’m sorry.”

“It is what it is. I didn’t mean to let it slip. She caught me by surprise on a bad day after an awful game, and I wasn’t in the right headspace, but I caught myself before I said anything. Mira’s pissed I won’t tell her the real story.”

“You’re still a great player, but that’s not the only thing you are. You’re a good person, and an even better brother,” Hunter says, but I’m not convinced he’d still say it if he knew the truth.

~

I’m slow to wake up from my nap that I hadn’t meant to take after getting back from another meeting. I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night, but I didn’t think I was tired enough to fall asleep at my desk while writing a letter to Marley.

I tug on a sweatshirt, heading down the stairs to the kitchen for a snack as my stomach grumbles for food. My parents are in the kitchen and seem surprised to see me here.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask, yawning while I open the fridge to see what’s inside. I have another recipe I want to try before I make it for Marley, and the ingredients are pretty standard.

“We thought you were out with Hunter,” Dad says.

“He’s at Kaitlyn’s, but I was sleeping,” I explain. He asked me if I wanted to go, but I was leaving for the meeting, so I made some excuse about going to look for a Christmas present for Marley. I didn’t feel good about lying to Hunter, but I’m not ready.

Mom appears next to me, resting the back of her hand against my forehead. “Are you feeling okay? You never take naps.”

“I’m fine. Just tired, I guess.”

“It’s been a while since I stretched my arm out. Do you want to throw the football around?” Dad asks, and I have a funny feeling there’s more to this that they’re not saying. Did Hunter say something about what I told him?

“Sure, if you want to,” I say, shutting the fridge to see Mom frowning at Dad.

“Bash, I don’t think he feels good,” she says, and now I know something’s up.

“What’s going on?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest as they share a look.

Mom’s hand drifts up to tug at the necklace she wears. “I talked to Mirabelle, and she mentioned you guys got into an argument earlier. Is everything okay? I can’t remember the last time you fought with her.”

I force a chuckle, scratching my jaw as my head spins, trying to find a way out. “I don’t know. You know how Mira gets when she doesn’t get what she wants,” I say, trying to play it off like it’s nothing, because the last thing I want is more questions being asked.

“No, JJ. I don’t know how she gets, but I do know you’re not acting like yourself right now.

Do you care to tell us what’s going on with you?

” Mom asks, and I blink, caught off guard.

How would she know if I’m acting like myself?

My chest starts to grow uncomfortable, and I press my hand to my chest.

“No, not really,” I say, for once choosing to not be invisible. “You haven’t exactly cared the last two years, so you don’t need to start now.”

The bullet has been loaded for a long time, but I never thought I’d pull the trigger. Mom’s eyes widen as the truth echoes louder than I think any of us would like it to, her demeanor cracking to show how deeply my words have landed.

I’m afraid to look at my dad, and the pressure on my lungs grows heavier. My eyes land on the door located on the far wall of the dining room, the escape calling to me louder than anything.

I walk past them, refusing to stop until my bare feet touch the cold sand, giving me something else to focus on instead of the panic sinking its claws into me. Marley would tell me to breathe in through my nose and exhale out my mouth. The first one feels impossible, but I keep trying.

Sitting in the sand, I watch as the waves beat mercilessly against the shore. The ocean is angry today, and I understand it because I’m angry too. I know I shouldn’t have said it, but I wasn’t wrong, even if my delivery could have been better.

God, it feels like forever since Marley left, and it was only this morning. What a nightmare of a day.

I think I’m starting to understand what everyone at the meetings talks about when they say getting clean is the easy part, because right now, I think I’d give anything for a few minutes of bliss where I feel nothing. I just keep fucking everything up.

They’re my parents, and I love them, but I feel like they don’t even see that I’ve been so busy trying to make sure everyone else is okay that I’ve completely lost myself in the process.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see my dad lowering himself into the sand. He doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to.

“I’ll apologize to Mom when I go inside,” I say, trailing my fingers through the sand, trying to ground myself.

Dad sighs, and I hold my breath, waiting for the lecture I’m about to get. “Good. You should apologize to her, but right now, we’re just going to talk.”

My fingers brush over a shell, and I pick it up to throw it into the water, watching as it disappears among the waves without a trace. “About what?”

“Anything you want to.”

It sounds so simple when he puts it that way—except it’s not.

“You don’t need to humor me by asking now. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, but it’s okay. You don’t always have to be okay,” Dad says, throwing his own seashell into the abyss.

“But I do. I have to be okay because everyone else gets to be upset about Bailey, except for me. I’m not allowed to be upset because he talks to me. It’s only on his terms, but still.” I’m not allowed to be angry or scream about how unfair it is, because what good would it do anyone?

“JJ, you absolutely do get to be upset about Bailey. Just because he only calls you doesn’t mean shit,” Dad says, but it’s almost two years too late.

“Dad, can you honestly remember the last time you called me on the phone, and you didn’t ask if I’d heard from Bailey?

” I point out, looking at him with all of my walls down.

His amber eyes drag over my face, finally seeing past the facade I’ve had up for so long.

I can practically see the gears moving in his head as he thinks back, but based on the way his mouth turns down, I don’t think he can.

I’m not sure I even know at this point. “Every single time he’s called, the first thing I do after he hangs up is call you and Mom.

I call and listen to the sound of your hearts breaking all over again, and it makes me feel like I don’t exist for anything other than to be the one Bailey speaks to.

You guys didn’t even know I learned Italian, or how I’m—” I cut myself off quickly, wiping my eyes blurring with tears as I look back to the water.

“You’re what?” he prods when I don’t continue, and the cold breeze stings my cheeks.

Is this it?

Is this the moment where I come clean about everything?

“I’m lost, Dad,” I whisper, wondering if I’ll escape the whirlpool I’m caught in, or drown first.

He falls quiet, and I’m wondering if this conversation will be another one of those things my family doesn’t talk about when I’m done making waves.

“I know . . .” he falters, clearing his throat.

“I know we’ve spent a lot of time focused on Bailey and finding him, but it was never our intention to make you feel invisible.

I can’t change anything, but I’m going to try to be better from now on.

No one is perfect, and we’ve never expected you to be, JJ. ”

“Then why haven’t you ever told me that?” I ask, turning to face the man I look so much like.

Dad looks as tired as I feel, his expression shadowed by emotions.

“Because I thought you already knew it, and I’m ashamed I haven’t told you already.

” He drags a hand over his stubble, and I wish we’d had this conversation sooner.

Maybe things would have turned out differently.

“JJ, you are so good at hiding your emotions— much better than I thought you were —and I’m sorry for not looking harder.

Your mom isn’t perfect, and I’m so far from it, I’m not even sure where to begin with the list of mistakes I’ve made. ”

“I don’t expect you to be perfect, I just want you to put in the same amount of effort with me as you do with Mirabelle and Hunter.” I wipe my nose on the sleeve of my sweatshirt as Dad’s eyes begin to shine.

“I’m sorry, JJ. I’m so sorry I haven’t seen how lost you’ve been.”

“It’s fine.”

“ Don’t lie. Don’t tell me it’s fine when it’s not,” he says and I look away, my fingertips searching for another seashell to throw.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“Sometimes there isn’t anything to say.”

We sit in silence, the tall grass blowing noisily behind us in the wind as the waves crash onto the shore just mere feet in front of us, the salt spraying our faces.

I can’t remember the last time I sat with my dad like this, but I’m not willing to ruin the moment by elaborating on exactly how lost I’ve been.

I feel like, for the first time in a long time, my dad is listening to me.